FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

A Still-Beating Heart

There was an empty space in the middle of Ricky's chest. And he himself was in the middle of emptiness; a dark surrounding though he himself was not bathed in its shadow. His breathing was harsh, quick, but the agitation hadn't been there. It felt unnatural both within and past him, strung up by them. Hanging, impaled as he always had been in a form that none but Figgy could see.

Figgy wasn't here. Ricky couldn't summon him either like he always would. Any time he would think of someone to help him out there, wherever he was, only sharpened the pain in his chest. He could feel his lungs being dragged down by it, almost like a black hole living inside him. For a heart- it meant he was a leech. But he resented that notion, doubtful that he could possibly be one. Deeper down, he always felt that obligation to only give.

"Or is that a ruse, an excuse to be selfish?" The darkness called out in his own voice, the same pitch and tone.

"Definitely not," Ricky retorted, the black hole in him expanding itself. He knelt, weakened by his lungs disappearing into nothing, gasped for air that went nowhere. Yet he could not lay down on his side to cushion the metaphorical blade extruding through him. "I am not.." he insisted.

"Tsk, tsk," the darkness could be felt strutting around, or perhaps it pranced. Gloating itself around him. "The illusion of selflessness; you only want something in return, don't you? You want to exist."

His black hole ceased expanding, taking up the insides of his chest and was still being choked by it. The only way he could reply was by thought, that which the darkness always heard, "Because I want to feel alive." But having to have thought was just as exhaustive. "I just want to be me."

"Ah, but you have had your reflections before; you are being who you are. Are you not?" It made him feel as if he was crouched in front, "Are you not Ricky Anthro Furgo?"

"I am," he replied.

"Then what will you do?" The darkness asked. "Continue or change?"

"I..." Ricky paused. He wanted to change but that in itself brought about consequences he had not considered yet. Yet he needed to do it. "Want to change." Words were running out to be said, in his paling form he saw the outlines of his final challenge. A form, simple, yet it consisted of 'all'. Describing it would label him a madman amongst madmen. Whatever it was had been capable of kneeling, of being in front, and to move in such a prideful manner.

"Change, Ricky?" It stood up, pacing around him. "Remind yourself, like you do so others, of 'consequence' both for action and inaction. Or it's how it goes according to you."

"Change." Was all he could say.

"Change," it repeated. "Change, change, change." It said. Silhouettes surrounded the dox; a sabertooth tiger, a raccoon, a deer, a lion, a griffin, a crocodile. Their forms shifted from one variation to another. Only the sabertooth remained the same. Whereas the deer had a brown pelt to gray fur, and an eventual crown on his head; the lion of yellow mane turned to white, and his throat had been imbued with two flexible transparent tubes that came from his mane; the brown griffin seemed normal, but had worn eye blockers, and then became a cloaked and dark-feathered figure before he returned to his normalcy; and lastly the dark-green crocodile who had become cybernetic, with an LED'd face, infected with Starfire, only to return to the same normalcy as the griffin.

The darkness had them kneel too, "Change, change, change. It's all you ever do. But your return to who you once were, now that is the actual change." It applauded in sincerity, yet Ricky could only find it sarcastic regardless. "And now you want more, don't you?"

Ricky could only nod as the rest of his body no longer responded. Still knelt on an invisible ground, his other past selves expressed the same sentiment. Exhausted, and only wanting relief.

"And then you must do more, which you did," The darkness clamored. It held up a phone prop and pretended to take photographs of himself from its fake screen. "Could be better, I'll say, but you are making the effort after all."

There was a shrivel of anger that coursed between the only functioning veins on his head, aptly the right side of his face that twitches whenever he had been annoyed. And while it was true that he had been indulging himself in vanity, it was good that he did. Felt different. And that thought made him realize where the need for change led to. A turn in a manner he did not want to hear.

"There it is," the darkness said. His past selves become silhouettes again as darkness itself enveloped them.

Tightness left him as the black hole shrank into obscurity. Perhaps still there to abduct an atom or two, but tiny enough to let his body function as normal as it could. He would need to after all soon enough. Despite it, however, his heart was not yet there.

"You have to say it if you want it back; I'm done doing it for you after all."

"Fi-"

"No, you're not allowed to say that anymore either. Commit to it," The darkness giggled but in a tone of its own, distorted and bounces from masculine to feminine. Unnerving at first but it was its own way of calm for Ricky, knowing it had been pleased for now.

"Change because others refuse to." Ricky snarled, smiled, he could feel his chest thumping. "Change because the other can be wrong." Excitement coursed throughout his body, the vibration of his heartbeat resounded life within. This was what he wanted, his upright knee tapped its foot to a quickened rhythm. Change. Change. Change!

"One more," the darkness retreated.

"Change because I love him," was what made him stand as the delusion shattered itself.

"Good," the darkness faded for the time being.

Darkness shattering like glass revealed his personal savannah, with its faded green tall grass, its lone narra tree, under gray clouds. Ricky walked between them, brushing his fingers over the undying vegetation. He exhaled in relief, and looked around with the hope he could show this to Rev in the future. The thumping in his chest, though weak, kept on. It would become strong once more as he himself would continue to change.

He sat down and contemplated the peace, wondering what was to follow in his growth. The clouds above he told to move aside, twirling around a solitary star that gave life to his world. With such power here, he decreed the flames emerge from the cloud walls, engulfing itself around the star. With that, his heartbeat grew louder, stronger, and life returned to him. Reaching out, he felt the heat reach his hands, as lightning struck distant grounds but it did not spark his savannah. It was not in his interest, therefore he did not deem it. Ricky was in control.

Somewhere else, on Earth, far from the dream...

Rev murmured something about paellas as he slipped into a state of half-consciousness. Saffron once in his mouth had turned out to be his drool that smeared his partner's chest, muzzle nuzzling just above the small pool he made. The sunset from his dreamt beach had been a pseudo-dawn that peeked itself through their curtains and kissed his nose with gentle pseudo-heat. The smell of pomegranate and sampaguita was still on his partner, and on himself by that extension, and it invigorated him enough to move around, but not gracefully as the other half of him demanded more rest.

"So sweet," the gray fox murmured while adjusting himself, moving over to be the dox's hugging pillow. This time, his entire figure was on the other side, still hugging, and caressing his chest. "So pelty," he snickered and twirled his finger around the ruined fluff. His digits traced towards the center, a gentle thumping of Ricky's heart, and he could hear him breathe and exhale a sigh of content. He himself did so too, before scooching closer and nuzzling against the dox's neck, making him purr in delight.

Rev thought about Ricky making a silly metaphor regarding them dancing to the sound of beating hearts. Having written a story or two about how they are in tune to a song of life. Dancing together, through anxiety or excitement when their chests paced their beats. Or through the calm stillness of the rain, in a Savannah that he's been persistent about. Vivid descriptions of a single tree amidst tall grass under skies that matched his fur. He found it quite adorable and looked forward to seeing it in person, his tail wagged under the sheets.

Ricky subconsciously moved an arm across the fox's back and pulled him into an embrace, followed by a kiss on his forehead which instead landed on the bridge of his partner's nose. And he patted the smear of saliva and booped Rev's nose with it, giggling. "Morning, hun," he said, hugging him closer.

"You're a prospect," Rev mumbled, nuzzling Ricky's neck with his moistened snoot. "Make it not day yet."

Ricky grumbled and yawned, reaching his arm out and swiped it down but it didn't do anything, instead falling down to a caress along Rev's curved and fluffy back. "Too lazy, rather work job than be God."

"Fiiiiiiiine," Rev tipped over into his conscious state but continued pressing himself against his partner's fur. "Ten minutes then."

With a quick motion under his pillow, Ricky got his mobile device and only read the large numbers. He grumbled, "Hmmm, we got thirty." And set it down, yawning over his head.

"Thirty's good. We get ten minutes of silly time."

"I'll silly your time, hun," Ricky chuckled and started the first twenty of cuddling; legs wrapped around him, their tails tied together as their bare bodies rubbed against each other.

"Silly," Rev pressed against him, feeling his rhythm. That of a still-beating heart.