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Part 4

I'd never even been the least bit unfaithful. I didn't look at other guys as they passed, I didn't window shop, I didn't think about other guys, and I didn't even dream about other guys. I was happy when I had him, and even when he was like this, he was the only one I thought of. It was probably unhealthy, but I was in love with him.

I heard the family walk by me in the snow, being sure to keep there distance from me, like I was a drug dealer and I could corrupt their daughter with the slightest look. The door to the store chimed twice as they entered and I groaned to myself; even perfect strangers hated me.

Why would he even think that? All those times at the bar were years ago, and even then, it usually wasn't my fault I never talked to the guys again. I'd wake up, and they'd be gone. All I'd have was their name and a memory to brood over so I'd never be able to forget just how lonely I had been that night.

He may have been right; if he hadn't offered to take me out first, this relationship may had never happened. It wasn't because I didn't want to try for a relationship, it was because, to everyone else, I was just a brawny bear with no brain and no emotion. They could sleep with me, and ditch me, and I'd be too stupid to realize what had happened or even be hurt. Even on the beginning of our first date, Brian had looked at me like I was a little slow.

After that first date, it was like I was in high school again. My stomach was so full of butterflies that he was all I could think about. I'd wait around the phone, hoping he'd call me, or text me, or anything. And, he did everyday. During lunch, sometimes before dinner and always before he knew I went to sleep. I'd never even thought about going back to the bar since. I was hopelessly attached and I wanted nothing more than him. But, now he thought I was cheating.

All these years I'd thought he'd trusted me like I trusted him, but had he really been paranoid and skeptical this whole time? Did he really always sleep with one eye open to make sure I didn't leave? Everything had seemed so natural and right before, but now it just seemed confusing. Even more so than when he'd decided he wanted to leave me, because now I had the reason why he'd left. The door chimed, but I repressed the desire to open my eyes and glare at whoever was the first to walk out first.

"Hi, mister," said a small voice and I looked down in confusion. It was the little girl who I'd seen walk into the store with her parents just a few minutes ago. Looking around, I saw her mother lighting a cigarette a ways down the sidewalk, looking at us distractedly. Now it didn't seem like she had any problem with her daughter talking to a stranger.

"Hi," I said, rather shortly, even though I knew this little girl hadn't done anything to me. I was angry with Brian, and more than a little peeved that her parents went out of the way to avoid me, but she wasn't a part of any of that, but I still felt angry at her. I guess I just needed someone to be angry at other than myself.

"What's wrong, mister?" she asked softly, holding a small stuffed animal in her small hands as they were clasped in front of her. Her eyes looked much more tired and sunken than they should have for someone as young as her, but still she managed to look at me in the way that only little kids could, "why you look so sad?"

"Just having a bad day," I said, smiling as wide as I could, but it was barely more than a frown.

I pushed myself away from the wall and stood at full height so that I was towering over her, but she didn't even move as she continued to look up at me with a bright smile. It was like she was looking through everything I was, and into who I was beneath all this anger, and sadness, and confusion. It's like she saw me as the person I used to be back when I was still home.

"Why?" she asked simply, cocking her head a little to the side as she swung her arms back and forth weakly.

"I got into a fight with a friend, so I'm just a little sad," I said, hating the way I was making myself talk to her in a condescending way because she was a child. But, I knew she had many more years before she had to discover the world of dating and how much of a pain it was. I didn't want to ruin her day by saying that it only got harder from here.

"Who's your friend?" she continued, and I looked over at her mother who now had her back to us. She kicked the snow as she huddled over for warmth while a long chain of smoke escaped her lips. I watched her run a thumb along her brow quietly, "he around here?"

"He's the other man inside," I said, watching the stuffed animal move back and forth, almost like I was in a trance. It looked like it was a wolf. It was a dark gray, but I could tell if that was from it's age and the dirt that came with it, or if it was supposed to be that color.

"Oh," she said brightly, "he looked sad, too. My mommy always tells me to hug people and say I'm sorry when I get mad at them. It means that I still love them, even if they're being dumb."

"That's a really good thing to remember," I chuckled, and she smiled even though it look like it hurt her. It seemed like nothing could get her down. Maybe they were just driving through because they were on vacation; but why here, of all places, I didn't know. They all had looked a little tired, "I'll have to try that sometime."

"Are you guys best friend?"

"Something like that," I said softly, feeling the words hit me a lot harder than she could have even imagine. He was my best friend and my only friend, "we've known each other a really long time. Probably since you were a little kid."

"Oh. Well, if you're best friends, you shouldn't be sad. Best friends are supposed to make you feel happy, so you don't feel lonely. This is my friend," she said, holding up the stuffed wolf to me with both hands, her eyes full of excitement and a twinkle that didn't come from the hidden sun, "I call him Jack. He's been my friend a really long time, too. He looks kind of like your friend."

"He does," I said with a smile as she made it's head flop back and forth like it was dancing. Turning it around, she looked into it's eyes with such a deep concentration she had to stick her tongue out.

"Well, he doesn't look just like him, but the color is kinda the same, I guess. I think you should take him home with you, so you don't have to be lonely no more. That way, when you and your best friend are happy, you both can have a new friend."

She held him out to me with one hand behind her back as she rocked back and forth on her feet with a shy smile. My jaw dropped slightly as I saw how willing she was to just give away something so important to her, just to make someone else feel better. I had an impossibly hard time getting myself not to argue with Brian, but she was just at peace with everyone. She waved him back and forth, once again making him look like he was dancing, so I dropped down to one knee and smiled at her.

"It's your friend, I think you should keep him. I wouldn't have any use for him, anyway. You need him to keep you happy," I said, and she turned him around so she could look at him with the slightest frown, like she was thinking.

"No, I think you need him more. He likes to make people happy and you're sad, so I think you should be his friend," she said, shaking her head vigorously as she pushed him into my chest with a smile.

I almost felt the urge to cry, because here I had been, spending my days like they were torture because I was alone, but all she needed to make herself happy was a small toy, one that could be purchased almost anywhere. I wrapped my hand around it gently and she pulled hers away, leaving me to look at the wolf's face wordlessly.

I'd always felt like Brian needed to have an ulterior motive to be nice to me, so I always felt like I needed to get something in return to be nice to him. But, this little girl who I didn't even know her name, just walked up to me and offered me her best friend and didn't even expect anything in return. What had happened to that part of me?

Had I really gotten so lost in my past and all the things that had gone wrong that I'd completely forgotten what it was like to be courteous, and genuine, and kind, just because I wanted to? I could hardly remember what it felt like. I missed the way my heart and head just felt lighter and freer, like karma was trying to remind me that my reward was somewhere out there, and it would show up when I needed it most and expected it least; like outside a run-down, nearly empty convenience store, somewhere in between the arctic tundra and the picturesque place this was supposed to be.

She smiled at me like I'd never seen before; it was so open and so kind. So free, without a care or a worry in the world. She knew she wouldn't have her friend Jack anymore, but, even though she didn't know me, she trusted that I would take care of him and give him a good home. My jaw unhinged again as I looked into the green eyes of the wolf and felt that it was still warm, almost like it was actually alive.

"Meghan, are you coming?" her mother called from a short distance away. I held the wolf to my chest, debating whether I should offer it back, in case she'd changed her mind.

"That's my mommy, so I have to go."

"Are you sure you don't want Jack back?" I asked softly, my voice almost cracking in the cold air of the harsh winter.

"No," she said as she started to walk backwards towards her mother, "because he's making you happy already!"

"Thank you, Meghan," I said to her as I stood up and looking over the stuffed animal in my hand deeply. It was barely bigger than my hand, and it's head hung limply at the edge of my palm. I ran my thumb through the fur and it was still soft. It wasn't dirt or age that made it gray, it was supposed to be that color, and if I didn't know better, I'd think he was brand new.

Looking over to her as she walked away with her mother towards a car that was parked a ways down, she waved her hand to me. I expected her to turn around and come to take it back, but she didn't. She just got into the car and her mother got into the passenger seat. The doors didn't open again and I couldn't see them behind the tinted glass.

"Hello," said a voice from behind me, and I turned to see her father standing beside me. I looked at him, half expecting him to tell me off for talking to his daughter, but he just smiled with the same tired eyes as his wife, "what's up?"

"Hi, uh, your daughter, she was just talking to me. She was asking about my day," I muttered nervously, looking at Jack, who hung limply from the hand at my side.

"I was watching from the door," he chuckled and I felt my nerves ease greatly, "Meghan is really sociable. She'll talk to just about anyone within hearing range, whether or not you're listening."

"She gave me her stuffed animal, and I'm sure she'll be wanting it back soon. So, um, you should probably take it with you. I wouldn't want to upset her and make her miss her friend."

"Her friend?" he said, still smirking and I stared at the wolf, not knowing what I should say, or what I should do, "she must've been talking to you. She tells me all the time how she loves that thing like a brother, since we can't afford to raise another right now."

"Here, take it with you. Tell her that I made you take it. I know how kids are. They get rid of things and they want them fives minutes later when they realize it's gone."

"My daughter is really sweet," he said with a soft laugh, looking over to where the car was parked with a glint that I couldn't quite understand. It's like he wished he could be in the car with her, even if they were only a few feet away, "she's also incredibly selfless. Her cousin lost her favorite toy a few months back, one of the ones she played with everyday. Meghan just went right up to her and told her they could go look through her own toy bins and find a new favorite one."

He looked towards the ground, at the snow between our feet, his hands buried in his jacket with a plastic bag dangling in the light winter breeze. I was at an utter lack for words and I couldn't even begin to understand the odds of this little girl showing up the moment I was afraid I'd lose hope. He cleared his throat dryly and looked up at me with a forced smile.

"She's really bright. I'm sure everyone says that about their kids, but she's really one of a kind. She probably saw some reason why you needed it more than her, so I think you should hold onto it for now."

"Well, let me give you my address and where I work, so you can swing by if she ever misses him. Or I can mail it to you, or something. I'll give you my number, too, but I have to cancel it soon," I rambled, holding Jack under my arm as I fished through my pockets for that pen I'd taken and a scrap of paper in my wallet. Writing down all my information, I handed it to him and he held out his hand.

"I really hate to run out on you like this, but I have a long drive to the city ahead of us. We just stopped by to get some drinks to hold us over," he said, holding up the bag in his other hand. I shook it firmly, even though his grasp was tired and weak.

"I'll see you later," I said and he just waved to me in the same way his daughter did as he got into the car.

I watched them pull away and I followed the car with my eye until I couldn't even see it anymore. Then, my eyes fell on the wolf and I smirked. He did look something like Brian; his eyes even turned that color sometimes, when the light hit them just right.

Starting to walk home, I found myself continually looking back at the store, wondering what Brian was doing in there, curious if he was still angry with me. Our entire fight was so petty, and stupid, and he knew it. He was afraid, just like I was. We didn't like where we were, and we didn't like what we had to do to get by, and we were afraid of losing each other, even though we said we'd be together forever.

It was a hard feeling to bear when you realized that everything you wanted wasn't what you were going to get. And it was was even harder to accept that you'd have to break your back just to get that little piece of paradise you truly felt you deserved.

I don't know how many times I'd waken up before the sun had even risen, so I could shovel the stairs and driveway in hopes that Mrs. Webb wouldn't raise our rent.

I couldn't even begin to count all the days I'd had to work late, instead of being with Brian and just sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating ice cream and getting fat together.

And so many times had I set the alarm, just so I could get up when Brian did, just to see him for the few minutes before he rushed to work to open the store. We both knew the hell the other went through just because we loved each other and wanted to be happy, but it was always what killed us in the end. I wondered how we ever thought we'd be able to live the life we wanted in this dinky little town in the middle of nowhere.

When I opened the door to the apartment and was assaulted by the equally cold room, I sighed, glancing over to the thermostat contemptuously. Why couldn't heat just be free? Everyone had certain inalienable rights, to live, to love, and to pursue happiness by sitting in a warm room on a couch like a loser, watching reruns of old televisions shows.

Hanging up my coat, I took Jack with me into the bedroom and placed him amidst the ruffled comforter as I walked to the closet to grab my favorite hoodie. It was from some amusement park that I'd went to with Brian several years ago. I'd felt so stupid going there, just us two adults, but it turned out we could make just about anything fun.

Pulling it over my head, I buried my hands in it's baggy pockets and I sat on the bed beside the stuffed wolf. The bed rattled as I slid my back against the wall and stared out in the same direction as Jack did. I really didn't know what I should be feeling right now.

I was in love with someone who I thought loved me, but it turned out he just thought I was cheating, and I didn't even know why. But, I was still a little in shock from the little girl and her generosity. She didn't even fully grasp just how much a little kindness could help someone who was down, but she did it anyway, just because she could.

Eventually Brian would come back here, because we were always drawn back together. I wondered if he'd come back because he wanted to argue about it more, or if he'd come back because he still wanted to go on that date. My feelings on it were conflicted.

If I'd learned anything today, it was that we were at the point in our relationship where we were looking for reasons to argue, just because we wanted someone to vent to. But, I still wanted to be that person he could talk to, just to get his feelings out so he didn't self-destruct. Maybe I could try to talk to him civilly and see if that helped at all.

"What do you think, Jack?" I asked with a sigh, knowing he wouldn't answer. It just felt nice to think that someone was listening, someone who wouldn't jump down my throat just for the sake of doing it. Turning to look down at him, the bed shifted and he collapsed against my side, making me chuckle, "I suppose you're with Meghan on this one. Hug him to show him I still love him."

When I was twelve, my mother was only twenty-eight and working as a receptionist for some dentist's office. She decided she was still young and she'd decided to pursue her dreams of being a doctor. She wasn't about to let the mistake of getting pregnant ruin her dreams, so she started to attend medical school.

She worked a part-time job, and attended all her classes, and got nearly perfect grades. She juggled everything with skill and grace, almost like a circus performer. It was an amazing tale of intelligence, and perseverance, and will. She managed to do everything but take care of her own life, and her own son.

More often than not, I was home alone, struggling with my homework, wondering why it was that sky was blue. I often wondered why some people had two parents, while I didn't even seem to have any. I didn't play catch with anyone, or I didn't help anyone with the garden. I usually just stayed inside and played with myself, and my toys, talking to myself quietly. Sometimes I'd even pretend I was a doctor so I could show my mother that I was practicing, too.

By the time I was sixteen, I was still alone more often than not, but I kept distant contacts so it didn't feel like I was lonely. But, I still never let anyone in. Over time, I slowly began to piece together who I was and where I came from. I had no father and a mother that ignored me because there were dreams more important than me. I finally learned what I was, and that was a mistake.

I went to live with my aunt for a while as I tried to get my self-esteem back in order. I refused to talk to my mother, or even look at her for the longest time. When I turned eighteen and I was supposed to feel free, I still felt trapped, so I started talking to my mother slowly, working through the damage.

When I went to live with her again, the family didn't like my decision and they didn't like the fact that she was willing to take me back even though they said she was a horrible mother. But, I guess they never really looked at it through my eyes; I never had a father, but I had a mother, so I didn't want to lose her if I didn't have to.

As the feuding between the family escalated over different things, like the death of my grandparents and how they thought my mother shouldn't be entitled to anything because she'd written them out of her family, I began to grow tired of it all. And when I finally turned twenty-one, I met Brian and we ended up living together before we inevitably moved to this winter wonderland.

Pulling out my phone, I saw that Meghan's father had yet to call and I saw that it was close to the time where Brian would get home. The snow still clung to the window panes, but the thin sheet of ice had receded, leaving a perfectly blank view of the same gray sky.

Reaching to my side, I took Jack and folded my hands on top of my stomach, holding him distractedly. When I started dating Brian, I threw away all my stuffed animals because I was too embarrassed. I didn't want him to think I was weird, and I didn't want to lose that manly exterior because I thought that's what he liked about me. If I hadn't let go of that kid in me, perhaps I would still be more like Meghan, and we'd fight less, and we'd be better off.

I looked into the toy's green eyes and there was a knock on the door. Placing him to my side on the bed again, I pulled myself off of it and walked slowly to the door, feeling more anxious with each step. I wasn't sure how this was going to play out, but I didn't care as long as I got to see him.