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A boy stood before a video camera. He had a determined, serious look on his face despite his lack of years.

"Hello, my name is Josh Kurtz, and this is my video log for January 17, 1984. The first one of many, if I can keep it up. I've been thinking, about the advancement of media. First there was radio. I guess you could say first there was the telephone, or actually, first was the teleGRAPH, but for mass communication from one source to many in the audience, first there was the radio. The next step of advancement was the television. But it was black and white. And then, there was color television. And I was thinking to myself, is there anything that comes after that? It's hard to imagine what could. Will people ever stop watching television to do this other thing? I guess they still listen to the radio, but mostly they are entertained by watching television. Well I was watching this show the other day called Cosmos, and the guy on that show was saying that computers were the future, and would be connected to each other in a big network, and it made sense. I think that sounds like it's probably right. So I got to thinking.... if computers were really cheap, so that even relatively poor people could afford them, and their capabilities were better than they are today, this network could be that next step after television. So, how can I, Josh Kurtz, be prepared for this? What would they do when they connect to this network? Well, I guess business and entertainment. They might post their own information for others to see, or see this information from others, or maybe perform transactions, or who knows. If you wanted to publish a book, maybe you could make it available over this network. If you wanted to buy or sell stocks on the stock market, you might do it over this network immediately. If you wanted to watch television, you could do it, or you could even have your OWN television channel. Everyone could essentially have their own television channel, and anyone who connects to their part of the network could watch that channel. So.... I thought I'd record some videos, in a log! Call me crazy, but if it ever happens, I'll have possibly interesting material to show people. If anyone actually CARES about seeing my video log. Anyway. So that's why I'm making these recordings. My mom got a new camcorder and agreed to give me a supply of VHS tapes instead of an allowance and has been supportive of me making my video log and my crazy idea. She," Josh rolled his eyes, "thinks it's CUTE. Ugh. Well, anyway. I guess that's my first entry."

He finished the recording, and left the tape at the same position for the next entry.

"Hello, this is Josh Kurtz's video log entry number a hundred and nineteen, for March 14, 1985. It's been a while since my last recording, but nothing really interesting has happened. My mom tells me I'm going to have to go to school soon. I'm dreading that. I sure hope I'm ready. My sister Sarah tells me it's incredibly hard, but to be honest, she's really pretty stupid. Can I say that without it sounding really mean? I mean, let's face it, she's not the brightest bulb in the refrigerator if you know what I mean. She tells me that they're going to give me really hard math, but I don't think she's actually that good at math. Nevertheless, I have begun studying in preparation. And I have to say, some of this, is, pretty hard. I have been brushing up on my calculus and elementary differential equations. I know, simple stuff, but I want to be ready, I don't know what kind of drilling they're going to give me. I have also been reading this book called Fluid Dynamics by Raymond Binder. It's about, well, fluid dynamics, the study of flowing fluids. Pure mathematics is all fine and dandy, but it is good to have an idea of how to apply it to the real world as well. I guess I should theoretically be broadening my field of study to other things, but, well, with the exception of art and some literature, it's just not interesting to me. Even the biological sciences, and especially psychology. I hope none of the course material will involve much of that stuff. Murphy's Law though, I guess it probably will. Whatever happens, it will be the worst of all possible things. Hopefully not. Well, that's all for now, I'll see you later. Or should I say, you'll see me later. I can't actually see you, ha ha. Yeah I know I'm not funny, but I'm trying my best here. This is supposed to be entertainment for the men of the future and all."

"Hello, this is Josh Kurtz, as if you didn't know that already if anyone ever actually watches this, ha ha. This is my video log entry number one hundred and forty nine, for Friday, August 23, 1985. Ok, so, the dreaded day is fast approaching. I begin kindergarten on Monday. I just hope I'm ready for it. I have been reading all the books I can about mathematics. I think the pieces are kind of starting to fit together now. A lot of it may seem unrelated, and well a lot of it is, but occasionally, I see a connection between two things that seemingly have nothing to do with each other at first, but actually the best theory to understand each other are actually very similar. For instance, information theory, and creating error correcting codes to correct for noise in a noisy channel, and prediction of the stock market, and compensating for the unpredictable noise, and leveraging the correct amount and making wagers of the right size. Anyway, that's all for now, I've got some more studying to do. The fateful day is in 3 days."

"Hello.... this is Josh Kurtz. And it's.... it's the worst thing possible. Murphy's Law all right. I never expected this." He sighed. "This is video log number one hundred and fifty, for Monday, August 26, 1985. My sesquicentenilog, so to speak, and.... they.... they're all stupid. They're all... incredibly stupid. Everyone in the whole class. Even worse than my sister. There's something horribly, horribly wrong with all the other kids in my kindergarten class! And the course material! It's.... it's for retarded people! They, they didn't even expect me to be able to READ, or to even know the letters of the alphabet! Their 'math' was the most basic arithmetic! So after class was over, I went to the principal, Mr. Lole, and I asked him if there was more than one kindergarten class. I must be in the special ed class, I figured. And can you guess what he said to me? He said there was only one kindergarten class, in the whole school! I asked him if I could be put in a different class, and he asked me why. I told him that the other kids were all stupid, even stupider than my sister, and after being too stunned that I would say something like that to speak for a few seconds, he said that wasn't a very nice thing to say. I told him I KNOW, but there's no nice way to say it, but it's still true, and could he please put me in another class. And he told me that everyone had to start in kindergarten."

---

"Hello Miss Leminger," Mr. Lole said to the school kindergarten teacher. "I met one of your students today."

"Oh?" she said.

"Yes. Josh."

"Oh, him."

"What do you think of him," Mr. Lole asked.

"Well, he's the brother of, Sarah Kurtz. And you remember her, right?"

"Remember her? She's in I believe Miss Chase's 3rd grade class right now, she hasn't left us yet. And oh I'm not going to forget the girl who got a perfect score on all the standardized tests. I got accused of doctoring the scan sheets for THAT one. Now Josh, he said something very, odd, about his sister, though. But anyway, what do you think of him?"

"He was quiet. He observed the class and didn't participate. He glared at all the other kids with hostility. I think the term is 'does not play well with others'."

"Yeah. I would get that impression from my conversation with him."

"Do you think he's going to cause trouble?"

"No. No, not trouble, exactly. But you might want to keep an eye on him. Based on my conversation with him, he might be the SMART one in his family."

"You're kidding."

"No."

The next day, Miss Leminger tried to get Josh to participate in class. She noticed that he was scribbling something into a notebook.

"So. What's that?" she asked him.

"You wouldn't understand, I think," Josh replied.

"Well, Josh, it is my job to try to understand my students. That's what I'm here for."

Josh raised an eyebrow, stopped writing in his notebook, and held it out to her. "Here you go," he said.

She opened the notebook and was inundated with mathematical symbols, notation she was vaguely aware of as mathematical in nature, and text written in unbelievably good handwriting. It didn't look like it was written by a 5 year old, it didn't look like it was written by a human being. It looked like it was made by a linotype machine or a typewriter or something.

"Did you do this?" she asked, her voice cracking as she asked it.

"Yes," he answered.

"W... what is it?"

"It's, uh..... math," he answered.

"Ok. What, sort of math."

"It's just a linear system approximation of a chaotic system I was thinking about. I've been working on better ways to approximate it, of working nonlinearity into the terms but having the rest of the process treat it as if it was linear."

"I see," she said.

"Do you have an interest in dyanamical systems?" he asked.

"You... I... I don't...." she stuttered.

"Well, you have to get back to your next lesson to your class now, I guess," he said. "What's it going to be about this time, I wonder?"

"... uh... shapes." She sounded downcast as she said shapes.

"Shapes," he said in fake enthusiasm.

"Ye, yeah," she answered.

"What sort of shapes," he asked in an upbeat tone.

"...triangles." she said, as if she was admitting to a murder. "And... and rectangles. And circles."

"Well, you'd best get to it. I look forward to it. It sounds positively FASCINATING." He couldn't have sounded more sarcastic if he had tried.

"I'll... I'll do that," she said.

He impassively watched her continue her lessons without saying anything more.

---

"This is," sigh, "Josh Kurtz, video log number one fifty three, entry for Wednesday, September 4, 1985. Well, kindergarten has turned out to not be what I was expecting, and it's a big waste of time, but I think I can deal with it for now. I shouldn't have shied away from the humanities and biological sciences or else I might have known what to expect. What a mistake I have made. I have been looking into child psychology and child development and it seems that most human beings are severely mentally incapacitated at this age. But I am not dismayed. I have also been looking into merely taking tests to simply test out of K through 12 education, a so-called GED test, which might get me out of the rest of it. Unfortunately the law is not on my side on this issue, and this GED is intended for adults that didn't finish K-12 to get treated as if they did, while the actual K-12 system seems to be little more than a daycare center to keep unsupervised minors from causing chaos in society, but maybe I can petition someone on the matter. I remain hopeful. Josh out."

"Josh Kurtz here, video log number one fifty seven, for Thursday, October 3, 1985. I know, it's been a while since my last log, but I didn't have anything I wanted to relate. They wanted me to do something for 'show and tell', and I didn't even know what I could even talk to them about or show them from my private life that was anything that they were looking for, so I gave them a math lesson instead. That was kind of funny. I think they all learned something. Well, at the rate they're going now in school, I think they learned what must have been equivalent to a year's worth of material, or some of them did at any rate. But anyway, I couldn't think of a way to make a video log interesting, and that's the reason for the gap. However, I got invited to a birthday party. And that's new. Especially since I'm not really, friends, with anyone. But a girl in class, Erin, gave me an invitation, and it was just so... so adorable. It was a little heart card with her dumb, sloppy childish writing of my name on it, and a date and a time written in different and more competent handwriting, probably one of her parent's. You know, I think I'm going to go. She's a sweet girl, and I don't want to be mean to her. She's like a... kitten or something. With not a shred of malice or complication of motive, she just wants to be liked, and for people to be nice. Well, I have to get her a present. I was trying to think of something that would be from ME, but when I think of the things that are of interest to me, they would either be dangerous in her hands, or she just, wouldn't get anything out of them. So I'm thinking a stuffed animal. Like a plush cat. That would be appropriate, and suited for her. She might feel insulted if she understood WHY I think that's such a fitting gift, but it'll be my little secret. Unless she sees this video after she grows up. Ugh."

---

"Sarah, Josh, I have news for you," Josh's mother said to her two children. "Your father is coming back." She was underwhelmed as she said this.

"Oh, no," Sarah said. She had met him when she was 3. He had come back to conceive Josh with their mother and then left again. A sort of booty call, as it were. Sarah did not end up with a positive impression of him.

"I'm afraid so."

"How do you know?" Josh asked.

"THIS is how she knows!" blared the 3-D hologram that hovered in the air above a small device in the room.

"Ahh!" Sarah and Josh cried together. It was a sort of realistic hologram, kind of like the Princess Leia 'help me Obi Wan you're my only hope' message from the beginning of Star Wars, but looking somewhat more realistic and less projecty.

"Ah, my two children. Sarah and Josh. I AM YOUR FATHER!" He said in an annoying not-too-good Darth Vader impression. "Sarah and Josh.... Josh and Sarah..." he said, looking between the two, back and forth. "Which one is which?"

Josh and Sarah looked at each other. "I'm Josh," Josh said almost in disbelief, as if there should be any question of who is his 5 year old son and who is his 8 year old daughter.

"Of course! Aha, yes, because you are somewhat shorter! That makes sense!"

"Are you, what is this, what's going on here?" Josh asked.

"Didn't you hear? I'm your father! What's wrong Cyndi, you said they were smart. They don't seem that smart to me. Are you sure these are my children? You didn't sleep around on me, did you?"

"No! Of course not!" Cyndi said. "I wouldn't DARE do that!"

"Of course not!" the hologram man said. "Because you know that I would DESTROY your puny planet if you did!"

"As if you hold up the same standard yourself, oh dear galactic leader," Cyndi said with venom.

"The same standard for myself?" he said.

"How MANY children do you have, with how MANY females, of how MANY different species, on how MANY different planets? And I'm supposed to be faithful to YOU, who shows me no love or compassion or concern and MAYBE comes here once in 5 years just to sleep with me in between his affairs with thousands of females on planets across the cosmos?"

"Oh, well, that's DIFFERENT! I'm a superior BEING! And also the ruler of the UNIVERSE! Of course the same standards don't apply to ME."

"Oh, the ruler of the whole universe you are now? Last I heard, you weren't EXACTLY unopposed just in our little galaxy, what with the great destroyer of worlds, the mighty Bar..."

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE!" he bellowed. "You NASTY, NASTY woman...."

"So our father is an alien supervillain," Sarah asked. Josh looked at her impassively. "I knew he was an alien, and an asshole, but I didn't know... ack..." she appeared to be choking or something. The hologram's eyes were glowing blood red. Sarah physically floated into the air. And Josh realized that it was yet another Darth Vader ripoff. The telekinetic choke. Crap, he could do that, from however far he was, communicating through a hologram machine? How far away was he? If he's gallivanting across the galaxy he must have faster than light technology, so this being apparently instant or nearly instant communication didn't necessarily suggest he was anywhere nearby. But he had a more pressing concern than pondering this question.

"Please stop!" he asked his father.

The holographic figure's eyes stopped glowing, and Sarah drifted to the ground.

"Why should I? Tell me, Josh, why should I?"

"Because I asked you to please stop, and I'm your son," he said.

The 2nd rate galactic leader thoughtfully stroked his chin and said "All right. A good enough reason. I like that you didn't appeal to some sense of morality, saying 'oooohh, she's your precious DAUGHTER, you shouldn't do that'. Just 'please stop because I asked you to, and because I'm your son'. And people SHOULD be doing the things you ask of them. You are my son after all. Their place is to obey you. You SHOULD be accustomed to those around you doing as you command of them. Tell me Josh... if all tri-colored cats are female, and 5 percent of cats are tri-colored and 50 percent of cats are male and 50 percent are female, if you see a black cat from a distance, what is the probability it is a tomcat?"

"Um... uh... what?"

"Your mother said you were smart. I can see now that is only by the standards of a stupid, unworthy, inferior race deserving of having their planet turned into...."

"TEN NINETEENTHS!" he yelled. "The probability is ten over nineteen! Or 52 and a half percent or so! I only said what because I was surprised you would ask something like that, it was just so random and irrelevant. But the cat population is 1 part female tricolored, 9 parts female non-tricolored, 10 parts male non-tricolored, the subset that isn't tricolored is 19 out of 20, and 10 of the 19 are male, so if you see any given non-tricolored cat there's a 10 in 19 chance it's male, of course that's assuming the only information I'm allowed to use is what you stated in the problem and that I should presume ignorance of deeper knowledge of the situation, for instance, that the coat coloration genes are on the X chromosome and the black coloration gene is dominant which shifts the odds in favor of a black cat being female again, but by an unknown amount because then I'd also need to know some more information like the proportion of the population that are black. But either way honestly that wasn't a tough question."

"Ah!" the hologram man said, nodding thoughtfully. "Good, good, yes... yesssss..... Ok. I'll take him."

The three in the family that were actually there were silent for a moment.

"What do you mean you'll TAKE him?" Cyndi asked.

"I mean, as my apprentice. You have done a great job of raising him up until now, but it's time to get him off this backwater shithole and realize his destiny and greatness."

"Do I have any say in this?" Josh asked.

"Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh..... no." Said the hologram man.

"What about me?" Sarah asked. "Why does he get to be the apprentice of the 2nd most powerful person in the galaxy and not me?"

The galactic leader's eyes glowed red again as he glowered at her. "I am NOT the 2nd most powerful person in the galaxy! I am, I am.... because THAT, THAT'S why! Because you called me the 2nd most powerful person in the galaxy! You have no tact! No understanding of the situation! And because you called me an asshole! And also because you're a girl. NAH!" he said, sticking his tongue out at her through the hologram link.

"Well, I guess I'm going to be abducted by aliens now," said Josh.

"Good, I never liked you," Sarah said.

"I never liked you either Sarah. You're just so dumb."

She grimaced at him.

"AH HA HA HA! I like him even more now!" said the 2nd most powerful person in the galaxy.

"I guess I'm going to be missing that birthday party," Josh said sadly.

"You got invited to a birthday party?" His mom said with surprise. "You?"

"WHY? Is that so hard to believe?" He handed her the invitation card, which he had been keeping in his shirt pocket the whole day.

"Aw," Cyndi said. "This is, so CUTE!" looking at the little heart.

"When should I expect to... go." Josh finished his sentence by saying the word 'go' after finding himself on an alien planet. "So much for my video log, I guess. And the birthday party." He didn't even get to hold onto the invitation card since he had just handed it to his mother before being popped onto this other planet without it. On the other hand, maybe it was safer with his mom. No, she'd probably throw it out.

"Welcome to homeworld," a familiar sounding voice said from behind him. Josh turned around. And was surprised to see his father, who in person, was hardly even any taller than himself. He had no sense of his actual size from the hologram, but apparently his alien father was about 4 feet tall against Josh's 3 foot 10. What WAS he? Was he human, despite being an alien? Was it like in star trek, where for some idiotic reason, all aliens can just interbreed even though they should have less biologically in common than a man and an alligator? Why wasn't JOSH apparently short then, being half human and half short alien? He seemed to be developing about the same as other humans, physically. "Wow!" his father said. "You sure are BIG! You take after your mother. Are you SURE she wasn't sleeping around on me?"

"How could I know?" he asked. "She didn't have other men over since I was born at least, if that's what you're asking."

"Hmmmm, ok," his father said.

Josh was taken to a luxurious bedroom by his father. And before he knew it, a girl his own height had entered. And to his shock, she started wordlessly disrobing. He then realized she was fully an adult alien woman, not a girl his age or even a child at all.

"What are you doing!?" Josh asked

"I am servicing my master," she said matter of factly.

"I'm... I'm 5 years old." Not to mention had only JUST learned the most basic biological facts about humans in the last few weeks.

"Oh, master is very tall for his age." She started taking his clothes off too.

Josh backed away. "Ok, let me put this another way. I'm another species than you. Mostly. I think. I don't know about people of your species, but I am not, um, sexually mature, physically. If you're getting ready to do what I think you're doing, I'm uh, not old enough to do it."

"Oh." She said. "Even though you are 5 years old?"

"Well, I don't know how long a year is on your planet or how fast your breed of people develop, but trust me, I'm a child. A small child. Very young. If I was fully grown, I would be almost twice as tall. Well, probably one and a half times as tall at any rate. This is not going to happen."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed. "I was ordered by your father, to service you though. If I disobey him, my family, will be..."

"Oh my god," Josh said. "This is nuts. This is just, fucking, nuts. This whole thing is just insane."

She stared at him without blinking.

"Ok, can you just PRETEND that you, uh, serviced, me."

"The penalty for lying, to the great exalted leader, is death by slow torture of me and my entire family."

"Of COURSE it is," Josh sighed. "Well I'M certainly not going to tell on you. But then again, there might be hidden CAMERAS in here or something, at this point honestly nothing would surprise me."

"Hello, son!" bellowed a familiar voice behind him. Josh whipped around. "What do you think of the prostitute I brought you?"

"I think your culture is horrifying," Josh commented.

"Why thank you. This is one of the highest compliments to us."

Josh sighed. And then explained to his father his physical situation and a thing or two about human child development and the timeline it took and BARELY managed to sell him on the idea of NOT executing the prostitute or her family. Just barely. And then an incredibly loud siren practically scared the soul out of him.

"We're under attack!" voices said in the hallway.

"You're under attack?" Josh asked.

"Yes..." his father said, annoyed.

"I kind of figured that you were living in a secure living arrangement, being the, uh, ruler of the universe and all."

"Nobody's perfect. Follow me...." the alien overlord said dourly.

They entered some sort of control room, and a purple alien appeared in a holographic display much like the one his father had first communicated with him with. While his father just looked like a short human, this purple alien looked nothing like a human. He looked kind of like if Godzilla had spray painted himself purple.

"It's lord Bar..." one of the assistants had said.

"DO NOT say the name of he who shall remain nameless!" Josh's father bellowed. Then he turned toward the image and said "It's YOU."

"Uh huh huh huh," said the purple alien dinosaur. "Why, if it isn't the SECOND most powerful being in the galaxy. How are you gentlemen? I have captured all your bases."

"What?" Josh's father asked in disbelief.

"You have no chance to survive! Make the most of your time, what little is left that is, uh huh huh huh! I will now sing my peoples' sacred battle song..... I love you.... you love me...."

"CUT THE TRANSMISSION!" Josh's father screeched. Suddenly the alien monster's image and sound were gone.

"What should we do sire?" one of the slaves asked.

"We fight," Josh's father said.

"Um, father," Josh asked, "I don't suppose you'd consider sending me home back to Earth, until you have this all resolved."

"Yeah, sure, son. Another time, maybe. It was good to see you, son. Tell me if there's anything you need."

"Well, actually, now that you mention it, I was invited to a girl's birthday party, I don't suppose you would have something I could give her as a present."

Distant explosions could be heard, rumbling the ground.

"Huh. What's she like?"

"What's she like... well, she kind of reminds me of an adorable little kitten, now that you mention it. You must know what a cat is, since you gave me that question about...."

"Yes, yes, I know all about your world," he said dismissively. The distant explosions grew louder and closer. "Hold on. Ah, yes, take THIS, this is perfect." He gave Josh what appeared to be a small beanbag toy resembling a cat.

"Ohhh.... that looks good. I think she'll like this," Josh said. "But how do I get back, I don't even know how you got me.... here." Josh finished the sentence with the word 'here' spoken back on Earth in his own house.

"Well that was fast," Sarah said. "What did you do, doom the Earth in 10 minutes?"

"I didn't, probably, not," Josh said. "There was some purple dinosaur fighting him. The number 1 in the galaxy I guess. But number 2 in the galaxy sent me home so I'd be safe from the fighting."

"Well that was awfully responsible of him," Cyndi said. "That slightly improves my opinion of him."

---

"Josh Kurtz here, video log number one fifty eight, for Saturday, October 5, 1985. I'm going to go to Erin's birthday party today. I have a rather ordinary beanbag toy to give her with a rather extraordinary story behind it. But she'll probably like it. Oh yeah, and it turns out my father is an alien overlord who goes around having sex with and impregnating females of other species all across the galaxy and is somehow biologically compatible with them all and I'm half alien and all the aliens inexplicably speak English. But I won't bore you with the details of that story. Well, off I go."

The birthday party was great. Josh gave Erin the beanbag kitty toy, and she thought it was so cute. She wanted to be friends with Josh, and even have him over for a sleepover and go see that new movie everyone was talking about with him, Back to the Future. She was kitten smitten with Josh. Both of their parents agreed to it pretty easily, after all, they were 5 years old so what was the harm, and soon enough, they had brought a sleeping bag into Erin's bedroom for Josh to sleep in while she slept in her bed. Things were back to normal, and looking up for Josh. At least until early the next morning around 2 am.

"Josh, Josh, wake up!"

"Wha?" Josh said, confused. He couldn't figure out if he was dreaming.

"It's me, Erin!" she said. She was glad that at least she still sounded the same, as far as she could tell.

Josh rubbed his eyes. "WHAT?" he said. He was sure he was awake now. The trouble was, he was obviously having a waking hallucination.

"Something happened to me! I turned into a kitty!"

"You... you WHAT?" Josh said, more alarmed.

"Look at me!" the kitty girl said.

Josh looked. She was indeed changed. She was covered in thick, incredibly soft, black and white fur all over her body, in addition to long white whiskers on her face. Her hands and feet were now paws, with little articulation of the digits, which were now shorter and wider. The lengths of her limbs had changed so that she was a quadruped. She precariously balanced on her back legs and held her front ones forward toward Josh and demonstrated her ability to extend and retract her new claws with newfound muscles. She had a long, fluffy tail, and kitty ears at the top of her head. Though her face was only something between that of a human and a cat, and her torso was rather human, wide side to side rather than front to back like a cat's. Also, she was the same size as before, but of course there were plenty of cats that were human size or larger anyway, and she didn't look like a housecat any more than she did a lion or a tiger other than her fur's coloration. She was a human feline hybrid and unlike any other cat to be found on Earth after all.

"Erin, is that you?" Josh might not have even guessed that she was Erin if her voice wasn't the same.

"I'm me! I don't know how this happened!"

Josh had a pretty good idea of what had caused it. He glanced at the catlike beanbag toy on her bed. The catlike beanbag toy of alien origin.

"Ok, um. Erin. I don't know how to tell you this, please don't freak out, and I'm going to see if there's something I can do about it, but I'm pretty sure, my present to you is what caused this."

"...why?"

"I got it from my father. And he's an alien. That is an alien beanbag toy. There's no way anything to be found on Earth could do this to you."

"You did this to me?!"

"Not on purpose! I had NO IDEA it would do this! I thought it was just a beanbag toy!"

She was starting to cry, and her sobbing sounded reminiscent of meowing.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Josh was crying too. They huddled together, and she stopped crying and started purring. He embraced her closely, and petted her. She hugged him back, her fluffy paws pressed into his back, her claws sharply poking him, but not painfully so, as she instinctually rhythmically kneaded per paws against his back, her long, silky soft bushy tail wrapped around his right leg. She gave in to her instinctual desire to rub her whiskers and forehead scent glands against and lick his face a few times before realizing what she was doing and becoming embarrassed about it. Her tongue was long, flat and scratchy. He had already caught sight of her sticking it out and licking her feline nose so he wasn't surprised by its appearance as much, but just by the fact that she was licking him. Josh was so surprised by this behavior that he was unable to decide what to do.

"I'm sorry," Erin said, "about licking you..."

"Don't be sorry," Josh replied, "I, liked, you licking me..."

So she went back to licking him and holding him tightly as she purred. It had certainly cured him of his involuntary spasms of crying, and now he was thinking of kissing her, but decided against it. He also didn't want her to think he was enjoying this too much or else it would seem like he was reveling in her suffering. Not that she seemed to be suffering. Her misfortune at least. They both were soothed by the deep vibrations of her purring and the flooding of their own bodies with endorphins.

"It's ok, maybe, this isn't so bad," she said, feeling pretty comfortable like this, smiling, and licking him some more. This time he did kiss her back, a quick peck on the nose, and she just lost it at this and snuggled her face against his hard and started purring even louder and petting him back, while he shut his eyes hard and hugged her. Every part of her felt good, even the parts that were different or new. She tightened her tail's grip as it spiraled down around Josh's leg.

And the thought occurred to her that this was actually really cool, kind of like a powerup mushroom in that new game she had played once at a friend's house. She just got the cat powerup. It helped that she was really happy to be cuddling with Josh, and she just felt so good, and soft. They eventually both fell asleep in the sleeping bag together, but just before she drifted off, Erin's last thought was, I hope I stay like this.

Josh dreamed of a sea of comforting rumbling. Erin had been purring in her sleep all night long, as they both clasped around each other. They each had multiple really nice dreams with no bad ones throughout the night. Erin's favorite dream was the one where she caught lots of mice and brought them to Josh and he in return praised and petted her. On the other hand, their awakening at the end of that sleep was abrupt and stressful.

"What am I gonna do!" she said quietly in a panic. She could deal with the new her on her own, but she knew she had to deal with the rest of the world.

Josh examined the beanbag. It had no buttons, it didn't seem to have any mechanisms in it. He was really hoping there would be maybe a slide switch that said "human" on one side and "cat" on the other and it got switched to cat and he could just flip the switch back to human or something simple and obvious like that. Unfortunately, it was like solving a riddle with no words, no clues at all. There was nothing to go on. Was it saturated with a virus or chemical that turned humans into cats? Then would he change as well? Would her family? Would everyone in town? The world? For now, Josh got Erin to promise to keep secret the alien origin of the beanbag a secret. It would only get him in trouble, and for now, there was nothing they could do about it. It's not like you could just go to a doctor and cure being a cat.

Their morning wasn't any less stressful when they broke it to her parents. Of course they had no reason to believe Josh was somehow to blame, so far as they knew, their daughter simply had spontaneously turned into a cat-girl and Josh just happened to be there and there was no reason to believe the beanbag was anything other than something that some small time artisan had woven or factory had mass-produced.

They wanted him to keep it a secret, but Josh talked them into letting his family know about this. His mom and sister knew it was the alien thing Josh had given Erin but kept their mouths shut, no sense letting the cat out of the bag when it wouldn't do anyone any good except possibly get them in a lot of trouble.

Josh went back to his house with his mom and asked if she could activate the holographic communicator so they could ask his father how to undo the change in his friend. Unfortunately his mom said she couldn't activate it, it simply activated from his father's end, whenever he wanted to get in contact with them. And for all he knew, his father had just died in battle with that disgusting singing purple dinosaur that was even more evil than Josh's father himself.

Days went by. They spoke to the school board. They then met with the school board because who could possibly believe it without seeing it. A few other kids from class met Erin the cat. She was immediately popular with them, they dogpiled her, or should I say, catpiled her, in their rush to pet her. She was happy that they liked her and accepted her, and it felt good, so she went along with it. Soon enough word just broke out and everyone knew. And perhaps amazingly, everyone accepted her. It was not her fault. And her mind was still there. And she was cute. It was just some bizarre anti-miracle by which she mysteriously turned into a cat, or mostly into a cat. Medical tests also suggested on a biochemical level she was still human, it was just her body's shape that had been changed, implying that she was not aging like a cat, she could expect to live a long time. Genetically she was still human, but with a few strange genes just mixed in. So soon enough, it was simply decided that Erin the cat would go back to school. They custom made clothes to fit her, and she adapted to her new life this way.

Years went by. Josh and Erin now 7, and in 2nd grade. Josh and his feline girlfriend were now inseparable, although Sarah was always trying to crash in on them and get to Erin. Also, it had become clear there were some upsides to her change that were not expected. His family was just recently rich, as well, as he had predicted a stock market crash in October and convinced his mother to risk half of their life savings on shorting the hell out of it with risky options. They had given 10% of it to Erin's family, 5% for her college fund, and then spent another 5% of it paying off her family's mortgage and their other debts in their entirety. It was effectively a dowry of course, but it was more like the two families combined as everyone in each family became closer.

Erin's parents had also come to accept their daughter was now a cat and that this wasn't necessarily a bad thing, especially since their daughter seemed to like it and everyone in town was so accepting. The inside of their house was a cat furniture paradise, the walls and even the ceiling were furnished with carpeting, and Erin could walk right up the walls and even on the ceiling, her 4 paws easily getting a solid grip. Her parents got a kitten as a pet, and the two of them played just as if she was a regular cat, showing her little 'brother' how to play. She was fond of toy mice and balls, and carried them around in her mouth and had games of chase with her pet cat as they chased after the toys together. And yet she could turn it off like a switch and go right to acting more like a human whenever she wanted.

Her parents were very much in favor of the idea of her having a future with Josh, as if that needs to be said. Everyone knew it. They were already planning a wedding for them 11 years in advance, much to Erin's chagrin, and Josh's mom was in on it too, much to Josh's chagrin, especially since Sarah kept making fun of him, asking when they could expect their first litter of kittens and if she could have one since she would probably have 6 or 8 of them at a time after all. But secretly, the two of them loved it. Their futures were looking up in every way.

One morning, they were both walking to school together. Erin was wearing light cotton clothes that covered her without trapping heat inside her too badly together with her dense fur. She wore 4 custom shoes, a purple t-shirt, and purple shorts with a long sleeve completely covering her tail all the way to the end. Josh thought it was unbelievably cute how it completely snugly fit her tail. It seemed to him that the same set of shorts had some slack in it a few months earlier. Had her tail actually grown about 6 inches since then? It had definitely grown in the last two years, but it seemed like it was only growing faster. How long would it get?

"So Erin, do you like being a cat?" Josh asked. He still felt guilty, but not too guilty to ask this while petting her tail through her pant sleeve all the way to the end. She loved it when he did that. He had gotten good at tugging on it with just the right force as he did so.

"Yeah. Of course." That was a relief. He asked her that a lot. As if she might change her mind and answer differently. "How could I possibly, answer no, while, you're making my tail, feel so good," she said, speaking and purring simultaneously. "It kind of, makes me sad that, you can't even imagine, what this feels like. Maybe you, should turn into a cat, too, I still have, the beanbag toy."

He stopped stroking her tail. The thought had occurred to him too. The idea was getting more tempting by the day, but he knew it would be risky. Just because things seemed to be good for a human cat now, didn't mean the future would always be so kind to them. "Would you change back if you could?"

She stopped purring and said "Of course not."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Not a chance. I'm not kidding suggesting you change into a cat though. I'm sure you would love it too, if you just gave it a chance."

Josh would have to think about that. It was a bit tempting, especially if she could never change back, for them both to be cats. "Aren't you beginning to forget what it was even like before? How can you say that this is better if you don't even remember what it was like before?"

"I remember."

"You can't write very well with a pen or a pencil."

"I'm getting better at it."

"Yeah, but, it would be easy with human hands."

"So what. Maybe human hands would be even more capable if the fingers were even finer and more freakishly spindly and weird looking than they already are, like if they had 20 tiny fingers on each hand, but I don't see you longing to change that about yourself. What do you want Josh? For me to hate you and never forgive you? Hands are USEFUL, but paws just, look right, they're what I'm supposed to have. Every time I see human hands now, they look so, WEIRD, and wrong now. My tail more than makes it worth it anyway. I don't want to change back. Thanks for turning me into a cat Josh, it's better this way, man, I'm so glad I'm not a human, I couldn't even imagine having hands, opposable thumbs are for monkeys, and I'm not a monkey, I'm a cat, it's who I am and I love who I am, and I have paws and my paws are for walking on, not grabbing or holding things unless really necessary. Do you want to make your toes on your feet like fingers so you can grab things with your feet like a monkey? There, happy?"

"Not really. I know sarcasm when I hear it."

"That wasn't even sarcasm! I was just trying to say the truth in a funny way! Having human fingers again would be like, like having tentacles! That's how weird the thought of it is to me now! Those skinny things, they're like centipede legs, I don't want them! And just the thought of balancing while running around on two legs almost makes me dizzy just thinking about it, I want to keep all four legs safely on the ground. And it also made me a lot smarter. Not a little smarter, a lot. If changing back meant being dumb then hell no. I'm no you, but I'm at least a Sarah. I broke an IQ test that went up to 160. I'm hardly a lower animal. I wouldn't want to be average again. I wouldn't want to be unworthy of you."

"Ouch!" he said. "Yes you were worthy, from the beginning! But about that sweet girl who wrote me that adorable birthday invitation. Doesn't her existence have value?" He had held onto that invitation, and treasured it, for these 2 years. He looked upon it often. It was just so charming. So touching. Erin knew about this. She didn't mind. She admitted it was indeed kind of adorable. It was cute.

"That's ME. I'm not a different person, just because I've gotten smarter. At least I hope that's me. I have her memories. I still have the same feelings for you, plus more maybe. The girl who wrote that isn't dead. She's not gone. She's simply a cat. And she LIKES being a cat. You have a cat for a girlfriend, a cat who doesn't want to be turned into a human. This is who I am. I'm more happy you can accept me like this, because if I could change back, even if I could do it while staying smart, I still wouldn't."

"I think I love you," Josh said.

"I know. You tell me every day. I love you too." She stood up on her back legs, balancing with the help of her tail, hugged him and kissed him, clomping his back with her front shoes, and then started licking his face with her long, flat, wide, scratchy tongue.

"Erin...."

"What? I'm a cat. And you're used to it anyway."

"Goddamn but I'm lucky."

"Yes you are," she said, purring, "and so am I. I'm the happiest cat in the world."

"Just so you know, I do like you like this," he said. "I hope you stay like this."

"Good. But you better marry me when we grow up."

"Well obviously I'm going to do THAT. Our parents are already working on the damn guest list after all. What do you think of a sort of bracelet around your tail instead of a regular wedding ring?"

In class, it seemed like business as usual. That is, until a man in silvered sunglasses appeared, racing in through the door. At his side, was a large cat wearing clothes, who looked like an older version of Erin. She was built like a large and powerful tiger, probably weighing in at 400 pounds or so, but was not fat at all, and more like a feline superhero, and yet she still looked feminine. Erin, with her superior sense of smell, could tell from across the room that she smelled like lilacs. It must have been the shampoo, she figured.

The man looked at Josh and said, in all apparent seriousness, "I am YOU from the FUTURE, with a TERRIBLE WARNING FOR ALL OF HUMANITY!"

"Hi, past me and Josh! Oh you're both so cute!" the cat called out in a very human sounding voice as she waved at the two of them with a paw as best as she could with wearing front shoes.

"I think things might be about to get weird again," past-Josh said. "Also, look at you, Erin, you grow up big and strong!"

"Shut up," she said, her mostly feline face smirking, pleased with the look of her future self, how she was going to grow up to be such a pretty and yet powerful cat. She had been worried how she would end up, but this completely put her at ease, her future self was everything she wanted to be, she was perfect! She especially liked how long her tail was, it must be 4 feet in length. She had noticed that her present self's tail had started a growth spurt lately and was delighted to see that it was only just beginning.

This latest crisis their future selves had come to warn them about too was resolved in time. A few years later, they discovered the most dangerous being in the galaxy had infiltrated their public broadcast system, but after many years they eventually shut him down and kept the Earth safe from him. 18 years later, with the help of a DVD recorder to transfer his video logs from the massive VHS archive, Josh uploaded his video log collection to youtube. He currently has 50 million subscribers on the username "average guy", while Erin has 200 million under the name "talking cat babe" and they have 230 kids together. She's also been pestering him, pressuring him to use the cat beanbag toy to make the change himself. He's thinking about it. His mom and sister and even Erin's own parents certainly didn't regret becoming cats even once it turned out the beanbag toy didn't just turn humans into cats, but made them all female, and Josh and Erin certainly had enough kittens together already, and it was wearing Josh down, being the only human left in his massive family, but weren't they supposed to have some adventure where they went back in time and met their earlier selves? He was supposed to be human for that because his future self had been, and he didn't want to create a time paradox and cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time continuum and destroy the entire universe after all.