Housepets: Talk Dirty

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#9 of Housepets! Fanfics

Standalone story. Game night with Joey and his friends gives Squeak some crazy ideas.

Please be careful, Squeak. The paws and maws aren't worth dying over.


Lester sits low behind screens of dragons. The basement has one lamp on, backlighting the players. He speaks in a low voice, painting a picture of knights and wizards, ruined castles and smoldering forests.

"After the war, Harnos leveraged for control. He rebuilt in the North, fortifying the capital city. Small city-states paid mercenary groups to defend against chaos. But it seems to be a losing battle. The monsters near some cities are growing more numerous, more organized, as if controlled from afar. Your-"

"So is this going to be like a Saruman situation now?" Dallas says.

Joey shushes him. Squeak sits perched on Joey's head, digging her small paws into tufts of his fur. Lester clears his throat at Dallas.

"Your party was paid to root out evil spotted at the nearby village, here." Lester points on the game board. "The village was abandoned during the war, under threat of dragons. Its citizens never returned, but... Alright fine, what is it?"

Dallas says, "If there's going to be dragons in this campaign, can we agree seducing them is off the table?"

"Why would we agree to that?" Squeak says.

Lester nods to Dallas. "You picked a knight, Squeak."

"Dragons are probably into that!"

"Who's GM here?"

"Hhmph!"

Squeak traverses down Joey, jumping to the table. She reviews a notecard filled with tiny lettering, then motions for Joey to come closer. He leans down, and she whispers into his ear. "What's the point of rolling a high charisma score if I can't get some dragon cock."

Joey shakes his head, trying not to smile.

Lester keeps building up the setting. They each get their small painted figurines onto the board. Squeak walks on, standing beside them. She's only an inch taller than Joey's character, a Tabaxi feline named Trickling River. She takes it all in. There's no immediate danger. Birds tweet, but nothing else calls out. Everything is covered in a layer of dust, the first signs of decay. They split up, each investigating shabby, thatch-roofed homes.

"As you push inside, the door is pulled in! You hear something croak on the other side. Roll for initiative," Lester says.

"Get over here guys!" Joey says.

"What, need help with the first monster?" Dallas says.

"How am I supposed to know?"

Squeak rushes towards the house. Joey rolls, and is immediately at a disadvantage.

"A slimy hand pulls you in. The creature is dark green with a broad face, wearing a moldy tunic. He slams you against the wall, muttering incoherently."

"Bullywug?" Joey asks.

"Slaad!" Lester declares.

The whole party groans.

"Can we just kill this one?" Dallas says.

"You didn't want to help, and my character always tries to talk first," Joey says.

"Fool's errand," Dallas mutters.

"I've learned my lesson. Slaad follow their own weird logic!"

"The Tabaxi gasps, staring at the Slaad. What do you say, River?" Lester asks.

"I'm here for the party!"

The Slaad is given a low, gurgling voice. "Paaarty?"

River shakes his head. "There's no party!"

"Where. Is. Party?!"

"You know where the party is."

"No I don't!"

"You know nothing!"

"I know Grengah!"

"Who's is--no, uh, party is at the well!"

"It can't be."

River looks side to side. "Uh, yes it can?"

The Slaad's hand glows brighter. "LIAR!"

"Fine, it can't! Sometimes! Perhaps never!"

The Slaad bobs his head excitedly. "Where?!"

"Certainly not the church!"

"Certainly not!"

Lester clears his voice. Dallas is leaning over the table, mouth agape.

"The Slaad tears out of the house. You hear its feet sticking against the gravel of the path as it runs. Chh Chh Chh," Lester says.

"What was the point of that!?" Dallas asks.

"We got information, numskull!" Squeak says. "'Grengah' is probably important."

Lester wiggles his fingers, maintaining a mysterious level of eye contact with the party.

"Oh, whatever," Dallas says.

"I'm going after that Slaad," Squeak says.

The party neutralizes all evil in the village, learning their first clues. Before they can leave, the immersion shatters. Lester's owner comes downstairs and turns on all the lights. They whine, but they are left with no options. Squeak takes off her cardboard armor and climbs onto Joey's head. Joey heads upstairs and ducks out into the quiet summer night.

"Thanks for coming," he says. "Do you want to play that again?" He looks up as if rolling his eyes.

Squeak sighs. "Your friends are such prudes."

Joey laughs. He stumbles in the dark, lurching his paw up to make sure Squeak doesn't fall. He looks back to the sidewalk, watching for cracks. Squeak twiddles with the blue goggles strapped on Joey's forehead. "It's fine, I guess. I was planning to lean into my charisma and act like a hot piece of meat, but your conversation with the Slaad was fun. Maybe I can do stuff like that."

"I think you can play into your beauty, Lester just doesn't want to narrate you getting freaky with a dragon."

"As in, like," Squeak clears her throat. "I take off my helmet, shaking down my long blond hair. I say, isn't there anything a big strong monster like you can do?"

"Exactly!"

Squeak leans down on Joey's forehead, looking into eyes as big as her head. Joey stops, plucking her off, holding her in front of him. "Yeah?"

She smiles, rubbing Joey's fingers. "I was just gonna say. If you want to continue this scene in the doghouse, I don't think anyone will stop us."

Joey's lips contort. He adjusts his grip around Squeak's lower half.

"That feels nice," Squeak says, closing her eyes. "Squeeze tighter."

He manages to shake his head, placing her back on top of him. "Let's at least wait till we have privacy."

"And not risk getting caught? Boring! Let's do it right here on the lawn. Embrace our wild sides."

"You're going to get me excited," Joey mutters.

"That's the plan, kitty."

He covers his dick with a paw. The more he presses down, the more it perks up. "Oh my god, stop!" Joey speedwalks the rest of the way, pushing past the gate to his owner's backyard, ducking into his doghouse. He sighs, letting his erection stand free.

"Look at you!" Squeak says.

"Please."

Flicking on a lamp above his drawing desk, he brings light to their minimal surroundings. He pulls a blanket over the doorway. Rulebooks and binders stack high on one small shelf, his catsuit on another, sitting in plain view. Underneath it, Joey hid his more kinky accessories, figuring that no one else would ever be willing to touch the suit first.

Joey sits down in bed. Squeak navigates his snout, sliding down his chest, coming to rest beside his dick. She takes hold of his stiff flesh to steady herself. She feels his heat as he grows, his foreskin still hiding the head of his dick. As she puts her arms around him, he pulses to life, rivaling her height.

"I'm not just being nice, Joey. It wouldn't make any difference to me if you were bigger."

"Squeak, you're a-"

"Hush! Your dick is hot!"

"Mmmph." Joey flexes his dick between her arms. She rubs up and down, sliding his skin. Her breasts press on him. She stands on his sack, making his balls tense when she shifts her weight.

"Okay," he says. "You're pretty hot too."

"I appreciate it, but we should work on your dirty talk sometime."

He groans. "It's not like roleplay! It sounds wrong when I say stuff."

Squeak presses her nose to his flesh, licking his mild sweaty taste. "I promise I won't laugh."

Joey smiles, rubbing her back with his thumb. "I'll try."

"Good boy."

Murmuring his pleasure, Joey sits back, his dick standing tall. The pressure so slight, he has to focus to make the most of it. Her touch would almost always be foreplay. He wraps his paw around his penis and her, stalling her movements. "Did you want to try that thing again?" he asks.

"Only if you get me first. Finger then tongue."

"Hhhawt," Joey moans, squeezing her to his dick. She blushes bright. He picks her up, dropping her at the foot of his bed. He gets on his belly. Face to face, he offers his paw. Squeak sits. He kisses her head, pushing ears flat, leaving her hair damp.

"Careful now," Squeak says.

Joey sticks his index finger in his mouth. "Well I can't leave you dry."

"Nice."

He traces his claw against the inside of her leg. "You think?"

"Yeah, but it'd be better if we didn't talk about how we talk."

"More immersive," Joey says. The tip of his finger rubs tiny circles against her inner thigh.

She huffs out, high-pitched. "That's right."

Joey licks his finger again, trading the scents in her fur for his own. "You're going to taste great," he whispers. With the lightest touch, he holds his digit between her tiny legs against her slit. Even from just above, the nub of flesh that hides her clit is imperceptible. His saliva soaks through her fur. Straight-lipped and holding her breath, Squeak grabs his finger, pressing him to her body. She guides his minute movements, wiggling her hips to spread her labia. Their eyes meet to share the sensitivity.

Closing her eyes, Squeak rubs her hips back and forth, straddling his finger. Her tail curls.

"I'm imagining I'm with your Tabaxi character. You're warming me up before we mate."

"Would you be you or your knight character?"

"I'd be me. You're sliding your dick against me. You won't stop touching me all over."

"...Would I squeeze your boobs?"

"Yesss."

Joey slides his finger up, fingertip between her breasts, massaging her. Squeak clutches the digit, pushing her hips up to meet him. "Such a gentleman."

He keeps rubbing her chest, looking down. "You should see the view between your legs right now."

"Have a taste," Squeak says. She spreads her legs, looking up at him and grinning. "If you can stop yourself from eating me."

Choking, Joey lets his head drop. His erection throbs against the blankets. "I'm never gonna eat you, Squeak," he says.

She snorts with laughter. She falls down in his paw, feigning fainting. "Oh my, this big scary kitty better have his way with me before I chicken out!"

Squeak's arousal drools down her thigh. Swallowing down his saliva, Joey nods. He licks upwards on his palm. His broad tongue creases between her legs, his mouth open, showing rows of teeth. She braces herself. He swipes over her pussy, over her belly. The pleasure gets lost in the overarching smoothness, the rush of him bringing her so close to his maw. It feels like stepping into a hot stream, the water rushing over her, sending her into sensory overload.

Joey stares at her with big eyes, licking his lips.

She looks off into space. "Keep going," she breathes.

His cheeks go red. His tongue drapes over her again and again, always sliding in the same direction, reaching as high as her breasts. She relaxes her limbs, letting his tongue move her legs apart and shift her whole body. He grows more accurate, massaging her crotch with a constant pressurized flow. Squeak moans, high pitched, trembling.

"Ha-a-a, just like that! Such a strong Tabaxi!"

His tongue stimulates everything. It's impossible to focus. The drips from her crease get lost in the flow. He doesn't relent. Her legs drool. He pants, enveloping her in warm air. When she is able to withstand the current and look at its source, the instinctive danger makes her walls clench. His pants bring his tongue pressed between her legs, sliding back and forth. She can hardly breathe.

"Ah. Ah! Oh my gosh!"

She pulses out on his tongue. Her tiny legs put up a fight. He pulls back to let his eyes focus on her expression. A grin is stuck on her face, tongue hanging out.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

She sighs. "Give me a minute."

Joey watches her come down to earth, brushing her soaked fur flat with a dry finger. "Do you want a cloth?"

"No, no. It's better that I'm wet for you."

He smiles. "We don't have to do that if you're already worn out."

Squeak grumbles. "You have a point. What if we got you on edge right before? That'd be more practical."

"How? Do you wanna masturbate together?"

"Or... you could put me halfway in your mouth and wiggle your tongue for me. While you masturbate."

Joey's mouth drops open, then snaps it back closed, blushing. He drops Squeak off on his leg, poking his fingertips together. "You'd like that?"

She walks over to his dick, grabbing on, feeling the hardness under his soft skin. "Would you?"

"Yeah, but-"

"It's either this or you hold me under your toes. But you're so scared of stepping too hard, so..."

"You're so kinky!"

"I've seen what you put up your butt, Joey."

"Phha! Whatever."

Squeak crosses her arms. "Maybe we should get that toy in you. That'd make you plenty excited!"

"I don't need a dick in my butt to know you're the sexiest thing ever!"

Squeak takes a step back. "Yeah?"

Joey's voice to a normal octave, out of breath. "I just like how we make it work. You never think we're weird when we mess around in my catsuit. You play with my balls when I jack off. I love feeling your tiny tongue on everything. You're hot, Squeak."

"I think you figured out how to talk the talk, Joey."

"I-what?"

"Now put me in your mouth."

His dick twitches in his grasp. Pumping himself, he sticks his tongue out, grabbing her around her waist. "Which end first?"

Squeak went wide-eyed. "You'd really put me in your mouth head-first?"

"Unless you're scared."

"I'm not scared of anything! Down the hatch!"

Joey inhales, stroking himself a few more times. He raises her up, keeping his mouth agape, looking her in the eye. Squeak manages to nod a final time. Tossing his head back, he drops her in. Feeling her tiny limbs, his stomach drops. He almost spits her out. But tasting her body had a familiarity to it, the arousal clinging to her. He gives her time to adjust, twisting around, finally coming to rest with her front half hanging out of his mouth.

"Holy crap," she breathes. "Holy hecking crap."

Joey grins loosely. "Di- yuh- wa-a a-"

"I don't think you'll be able to talk," she says. "But dog, your tongue is crazy in here. Can you get it between my legs?"

Joey nods, which shakes her. They weave around each other, Joey's tongue clumsily finding a spot to sit, to taste her crease. He wiggles his toes, conscientious of her paws sitting in his mouth. He moans, grabbing his dick, hardening quickly as doubt leaves his system. With a free paw, he could touch his balls too. He mimics Squeak's gentle touch with the tips of his fingers.

Squeak looks down from an uncanny perspective. His dick grows taller than ever, and all she did is lay in the warm confines of his mouth, propped up on his incisors, feeling his thin tongue shift between her legs.

"This is all it takes to turn you on, huh? Just have a snack in your mouth?"

Joey moans, hot air over her. He tries in vain to get his tongue to flick over her crease.

"Can you not lick me like this?"

"Uh-uh."

Squeak pushes her hand back in. "Oh well. I can still masturbate in your mouth."

She feels his lips curl. She watches him speed up the paw on his dick.

"Of course you like that. You get to taste me while I do all the hard work."

Joey's slobber coats her body, giving her plenty of lubrication to get her hand down between her legs. She contends with his tongue, its edge sliding between her legs as he pants. She spreads herself on two fingers. His maw is constantly moving, his panting breath begging her for a taste. She gets herself on top of his tongue. On bottom, she presses down, rubbing herself against the smoothness, spreading warmth deep in her pussy.

Squeak murmurs. "Your tongue feels good."

Watching him fap, watching how quickly he moves his paw, made her grind harder. His tongue moves without her permission, gliding over crotch.

Joey groans, strained, jaw growing sore.

She fingers herself, swiping up his saliva, trading with it. "Just hold on. Just keep panting. Such a good boy."

"Uuh!" Joey stops moving the paw on his dick. His dick pulses, dripping pre. He squeezes his balls, tail thumping the bed behind them.

Squeak keeps her hips humping against his tongue. "Heh, you're going to cum so much."

Joey's lips press down on her. Squeak gasps, her body squished. She presses his panting tongue to her body, struggling to stay in place, resist his motion, get him sliding under her. Each breath is a wave rolling over. Joey groans deep, vibrating her whole body. Hanging on tight and thumping against his tongue, the pressure crests. Squeak tenses, holding her hips to his tongue. A trickle of fluids spreads out over his taste buds.

"Ah! Ah! Ohmydog."

Joey offers a paw, keeping one around his balls.

Squeak goes limp against a tooth. "I think I'm going to hang out in here, actually."

Rolling his eyes, Joey angles his head down, sending Squeak cartwheeling into his hand. Her grey fur is darkened with spittle. Only her face is dry, a smug aura around her.

"I'm not going to be able to eat normally for a week," Joey complains. "I had to keep thinking about trying not to bite you."

"I'm going to masturbate all week to you saying that," Squeak sighs.

Joey transfers her from one paw to the other, rubbing saliva onto his dick. Are you ready, then? I don't think I can wait another second."

She sits up. "Put on a condom, then?"

Still massaging his penis, Joey says "I was hoping I could go off on you."

"And you think I'm the kinky one."

He lifts Squeak up. Bringing fresh saliva to his tongue, he swipes over her front half.

"You'll always be the kinky one," Joey says, "because I could come up with anything and you'd find a way to talk about it."

He brings Squeak to the backside of his dick. She latches on, hugging his dick with arms and legs, looking up at him.

"H-holy, you're so warm!" he says.

"That's cause I came twice. Now hurry up and breed me!"

Joey murrs. He thrusts his hips up. His dicks slides through Squeak's arms, her butt smooshing to his balls. "You turn me on so much."

"Squeeze me. I don't want to walk straight tomorrow."

Joey flexes his fingers against her back, around his penis. He thrusts his hips again. "Huh. Hah. Oh my dog."

The bed shakes. She grunts. "That it. Don't stop."

"You make it so tight."

The side of her face slides against him. Her thighs are unrelenting. "Yes. Use me, kitty."

Joey shudders, stopping, pressing her firmly. He turns around in bed, kneeling, down on one hand. For only a second, Squeak catches her breath. Then Joey mates her. Slow at first: sliding out till her paws could barely hold on, thrusting as far as he could. He doesn't move his paw, building up speed with only his hips. He moans again, focusing on her last words, on her fur sliding against his rod.

"Faster," she says.

He huffs. His balls swing, plapping against her. Strings of spit run between them, keeping his cock gliding, twitching. Her grip around him only makes him grow harder, pounding against her body.

Squeak gasps. She presses her crotch to his thrusting penis. "You're gonna make me cum."

"Hhhuh!" Joey breathes. Lost in the pleasure, he humps her to his heart's content. She struggles to keep up, losing her grip. Still Joey presses her to his shaft, keeping her close. Precum and spit drool down his balls. She can hardly breathe.

Joey gives in. He moves his paw up and rubs the head of his dick against her chest. His pleasure spikes. He moans, unable to thrust. Squeak wraps hard around his dick. His balls tighten against her feet. She feels them pulse, his dick throbbing. Joey strains, jerking her but barely moving, struggling to hold off till the last second.

Squeak licks the pre leaking from the head of his penis, urginghim over the edge. He moans for her. Squeak closes her eyes. His hot cum shoots over her, over her legs and belly, over her face. He pulses again, reaching further, pooling in his paw against the back of her head.

"Huhhhh. Hhuuhhhh. Yesss." Joey humps, pushing her through his cum, the head of his dick smearing cum on her face. He teases out the final drops pressed between her legs, unloading on her pussy. After a few pants, he comes to his senses and licks off Squeak's front in one long swipe.

She breathes deep. "Wow. That was fun."

"You didn't mind it without the condom?" Joey asks.

"Hey, you almost drowned me in that. We're doing that again."

"Please don't make me horny right away."

"You can masturbate if you want."

"Later."

He falls down to his belly and gets her clean. The taste clings to the back of his throat, but he wouldn't dare complain. He grabs her a microfibre cloth. She licks up what he couldn't reach, then wraps herself in the luxurious fabric. With Joey lying on his back, Squeak nestles into the valley created by his arm and chest.

"Something's bothering me from our game. Did you have to kill that Slaad after I got done talking with it?" Joey says.

Squeak stares at the roof of the doghouse. "I think so."

"Why?" he asks.

"You can't have sex without movement. If I let you do the talking without following it up, I would have been leaving the motion incomplete."

"You're really pushing for symbolism," Joey says.

"Yeah. I really just don't like those stupid Slaads."