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Yip Yap!

An Instructive Guide to Understanding Your Fellow Kobold

By Gregory Pikitas

An Introduction

Alright, alright. So the title might need a teensy bit of work. A little extra flair. Something else--anything else besides what it currently is, maybe. But you can't deny that it cuts ever so straight to the point of this guide. A guide to truly understanding the kobolds in your everyday life.

Now picture this scenario: you've run into with your neighborly kobold on your jog around the subdivision. Please picture the scenario even if you don't jog or live in a subdivision. Perhaps you may imagine another picturesque scenario, if you're feeling crafty.

He starts chatting it up with you during your morning run. You know, yip this and _yap_that. The usual stuff. And now you're sweating profusely--not because you've been running, you just started your run, barely made it out of sight of your house--because how do you converse with a kobold less than half your size and over eight times more likely to fall down a flight of stairs at any given moment, compared to the average citizen?1

This is NOT a scenario you want to find yourself in. How horrible! Tragic! You don't want that to ever happen to you, right?

Tada! Your savior is here--me! Well, to be specific, this guide that you're reading--written by me!

Now, to explain _how_this guide will help you, because I know what you're thinking: why did I buy this informative, eloquently spoken guide over the dozen other guides out in the bookstores?

A great question! Not to be a snob, but those other "writers", if you can call them that, aren't qualified to educate about the kobold's history and rich culture. Some of them aren't even kobolds! And the guide written by kobolds are--how to put this kindly... pretty bad.

Mine, however, is a cut above the rest! Why? Because I dig into the meaty subjects that no one dares to take a bite of! Every one of the juicy, mouth-watering chapters you read in the following pages--I was hungry at the time of writing this, to which I apologize, but please bear with me--will sate your thirst for knowledge like no other individual can offer you.

By the time you flip to the last page of this guide, barring that you actually read the words I've written, you should have an arsenal of tools at your disposal. Only about kobolds, though, which doesn't translate very well to anything else useful in life, unfortunately. Still good to know, no need to stop reading, you're already so far--hundreds of words too deep to turn back now!

Without further ado, let's dive into the instructive guide to understanding your fellow kobold.

1 "Studies of Falling Related Incidents Among Kobolds" Gregory Pikitas, 2021.

Chapter 1: When in Rome, Yip as the Kobolds do

Much better title, right? I personally think so, even if the Rome part makes absolutely no sense. But enough about me. Kobolds! That's what we're here for! If you don't understand how to converse with someone, how are you ever hoping to understand anything about them? So, by necessity, our first chapter must be about the language of kobolds!

First on the menu--I'm still hungry--is to define key frameworks of their language.

1. Yap [Yap]

noun, verb, pronoun, etc. ­- a noise of various told and untold meanings, almost all of which are utter nonsense and can be ignored and/or forgotten immediately.

_1 _Yap!

2 _(Informal)_ Yap!

1. Yip [Yip]

adjective (sometimes) - a yip.

_1 _ Yip!

2 _(Informal)_ Yip!

And that's it! You have achieved a complete understanding of the spoken and written language of kobolds! Yes. I'm serious! That is the entirety of their dumb little speak, on and on throughout the day, a droning cacophony of mind-numbing--oh, I've gotten carried away in my rant. Not too big a worry; this chapter needed padding out anyways, seeing how little material there is to cover.

Actually, there is no more to say about their language, and you might say to that, Impossible! There must be more than two words to construct a language on! But you'd be wrong. Two words are the frame and mortar of the kobold's flimsy excuse for a language. And how do I know this for certain? What is my credibility? The crowds rally their torches and pitchforks, screaming for sources to back these claims!

Do not fear. You can lower your pitchforks and douse your flaming sticks. Let's talk about me. Hung along the back wall of my ornate office--which I am currently residing in as I draft this guide--are my certificates from the esteemed dragon academy known all around the world. I'm sure you've heard of it. At the top of my class, I was gifted with a clever mind. I've used my gift to accumulate many prestigious awards in my profession. Those hang on the other three walls of my office... and in various other places within my home.

So you see, clearly you should listen to me without raising any questions or concerns about my credibility. Because why would you dare do that? I am also aware that discussions of my credibility are potentially misplaced in the first chapter of this guide, rather than included in the introduction. I assure you that there is method to my madness that will soon make itself clear, and if not, it's on you for reading this guide so lazily.

If a few of you are still, for whatever silly reason, not convinced by my admirable reputation, then let me quash those doubts now. Any credible author must have sources, and I am not above such rules, even if I deserve to be. So let's talk sources. I have them. Yes, I have detailed sources from the very species we seek to discuss in this guide. Kobolds, that's who I mean!

I've taken the opportunity to confirm my observations with several kobolds I happen to share an intimate relationship with on a daily basis. I also grabbed lunch, so there will no worry of food puns from here on, or until I'm hungry again. While I was served food by the very kobolds I was questioning--note that I did not eat any kobolds for lunch! A careless thing to do; kobolds have much better uses than as food, which we will cover in due time. I only eat them when they misbehave--I gathered data that I think you might find very interesting.

Of the eleven kobolds under my care, eleven yipped, and more importantly, eleven also yapped. So there you have it, my studies back my claims. That should hopefully have laid to bed any concerns of my trustworthiness. I would be surprised if there were any doubts up to this point, anyways. I am a dragon, after all.

I'm so glad we cleared all that up, makes the rest of this guide much easier to write, and we have so much to cover! Let's get back to the current subject of languages before we get ahead of ourselves. So we now know their language, but how do we use this knowledge?

Simple, you don't.

I now realize that my chapter title makes even less sense, because I am telling you to_not_ yip as the kobolds do. Bah, whatever, I still like the title choice.

Never give into the simple-minded kobold speak. I tell you this because only kobolds can understand the yip-yap intricacies of other kobolds. I've have only tried once to comprehend their incomprehensible babbling, and I will never do so again; gave me a terrible headache that lasted for the remainder of that day!

What you must understand is the second language of kobolds, the language you _can_understand. Their visual language. To know what a kobold wants or needs, you need to know their mannerisms. We shall consider a few examples, using the conjured scenario we pictured in the introduction. If you were one of the despicable few that skipped the introduction for whatever vile reason, shame on you.

Now, imagine that kobold on your morning jog. It is crucial that you fill in the details. Scale color. Scale pattern. Scale cleanliness. Etcetera, etcetera. Imagine the kobold talking to you. Utter nonsense, isn't it? Yip yap yap yip yap, yip? Pure word garbage. But imagine the scene again, this time focusing on their subtle movements and behaviors. Piece it all together: the flick of their wrists, the focus of their eyes, the swish of their tail.

That's it! If done correctly, you should know what they'd asked you. It's hot out today, isn't it? Something like that. A gold star to all my pupils who figured it out. For the rest, do better. Please note that even this method of understanding kobolds is not foolproof; in the above example, they mention how hot it is on the day, however, it is only early morning. Sometimes deciphered sentences will have as little meaning as the yips and yaps that come out their adorable snouts. Kobolds are odd creatures like that.

One day they may finally make a translator that can crack the yip-yap enigma, but I sincerely doubt it. It's just impossible, even for a computer. Only kobolds have the sixth sense required to yip and yap freely to their hearts content.

I mean, what the hell are even yips and yaps? It's gibberish, it's stupid! Babies speak more coherently than kobolds! All the time with the yipping and the yapping so nonchalantly to one another, as if they're passing jokes around a campfire. On and on and on, yip yap yip yap yip yap.

Oh, I seem to have caught myself in another rant. I would apologize, but apologies become less and less sincere if you're constantly having to give them out. The one downside of having kobolds around, I'm afraid. If I were weaker-willed, I'd have been driven mad by their incessant "talk". Even with my sharp mind and steeled measure, I'm still heavily disturbed by their squawking.

Why keep them around, my make-believe audience might ask? For their numerous other uses and benefits! They're not all bad, no. Quite handy, kobolds can be. Chapters ahead will shed light on their versatility, but to neatly end this subject...

Don't listen to a kobold. Instead, teach your kobold--or kobolds, you dastardly devil--to listen for you. Is that the right way of phrasing that? I don't know. Sounds good. What I'm really saying is, teach your kobold like you'd teach a dog. You train a dog to fetch a ball, you train a kobold to fetch your dinner. You train a dog to sit and stay and beg, same with a kobold!

You can teach kobolds simple commands and cues to converse with you. With enough training, it's effortless! I hardly have to utter a word to my kobolds to have them working in perfect unison on various things--bonus tidbit, kobolds a perfect little chore-doers.

Chapter 2: Kobolds. What are they good for?

No, not absolutely nothing.

Contrary to the hit song by Edwin Starr, kobolds are good for a great many things, so many things that I needed to devise several categories to organize them all. Even with that, this is not an exhaustive list. I learn something new about my kobolds all the time. Rather, they learn something new that pleases me.

Let's start with what I've already hinted at: chores.

Pretty self-explanatory. Kobolds excel at chores. The more monotonous, the better. They like turning their brain off. The idea disgusted me at first, but I've learned to appreciate it. Dealing with enough know-it-alls all day, you learn to enjoy time spent with creatures that have zero thoughts running through their heads for minutes at a time. I'm serious. I think they go for literal minutes sometimes without having a single new thought popping into their brain. I'm horrifically curious what it'd be like to see inside a kobold's mind.

Give your kobold a step-by-step visual instruction on how to do a chore, followed up with a reward after they've completed it, and voila! You've successfully taught your kobold a chore. They will do this chore for as long as you'd like, and as long as you give them treats. Again, similar to a dog, if you will.

You want them to wash and fold your laundry? No problem! How about errands you needed to take care of? They can't drive, but they love long hikes; strap a parcel on their backs and send them on their way! There are all types of roles they can take on around your home. Gardening, housekeeping, masseuse, just to name a few. The best part is, so long as they're fed and happy, they don't require any form of payment!

I hear those pitchforks clinking and fire starters starting fires. Let me assure you that I'm not for enslaving kobolds. What I am implying is a mutualism between yourself and kobolds. It's not slavery if they enjoy my company. It's a no strings attached relationship for them, what's not to like?

When I grab one of these little pipsqueaks and drag them back to my home, I'm doing so out of the kindness of my heart. But this guide is not meant to question my morality, which is impossible anyways as I'm always morally right. No, this handbook is supposed to deliver the hard facts, the definite truths, the say-all, be-all answer. To question it is to spit in my face. So rude!

Kobolds enjoy being told what to do. They require order. Without it, they are lost, like chickens with their heads cut off! That was not a food pun, it just made sense in the moment. Kobolds need someone in charge, a natural-born leader. Naturally, dragons excel at this, but any species can fit into this role, because there are few lower on the totem pole than a kobold.

I've wandered off course. You sneaky minxes had me rambling. On to our next category: self-care.

I'm not referring to the kobold's self-care. I'm referring to the leader, because do you know how hard it is to take care of all these rascals? Well--not all that difficult. They do take care of most daily tasks for me. I still think I deserve appreciation! Who feeds their hungry tummies? Me. Who put a roof over their heads? Me. So of course I should be rewarded for such efforts.

The best reward, in my ever so humble opinion? Messages. Oh, how I adore a nice, long message to start out my day. I also enjoy one to finish out my day, too. Kobolds are the perfect masseuses, and I know it was already mentioned in the prior category, but the importance I must stress on this subject... it is demanded of me.

Kobolds are the perfect specimen to give a massage because of a few critical factors. The first is that they are small, and therefore have tiny fingers that can reach all the best spots. Second, and I'd already mentioned this before, is that kobolds excel with the mundane. Will they grow bored of buffing the scales along your flank? Will they become agitated by how long it takes to scratch at every last nook and cranny? No, they will not.

Kobolds can go for hours, so long as they are healthy and able-bodied. Nothing is more satisfying than drifting off to sleep on my settee, only to wake hours later to the same kobolds gently kneading my scales. Really revitalizes the body and spirit, I must say. They don't complain one bit, and it's not just because of the myth that kobolds worship dragons--they do, yes, but they can worship other creatures as well. Just maybe not to the same intensity.

Beggars can't be choosers. Yes, I may have lucked into being a dragon, a beautiful home, a lavish lifestyle, all the kobolds I could ever want. That doesn't mean you can't have a small piece of the perfect pie!

Grab yourself a kobold and allow them a chance to demonstrate their potential. It may take a few tries, as not all kobolds are created equal; I have my own selection of kobolds picked out for different things. Once you have a kobold interested, allow them to attend to your body, and be sure to reward them for their efforts. A properly fed and praised kobold will not resist.

Point out things you like, confirm when they get it perfect, and guide them to your favorite spots. I'm partial to paws and neck rubs, myself. Once you've tried it, you'll never want to go without it. I've built a sort of ritual out of my daily self-care, been that way for nearly a decade now. Let me tell you, my worst days are when I'm unable to enjoy their therapeutic hands working all over my body.

I have a few tending to me now, actually. Fitch and Tuna extend their greetings. Now for the next: cooking.

I've given this one away, too, but how could I not mention their many talents in this guide? A few of you might be curious as to how a kobold could whip up something delicious enough to satisfy a dragon. You'd be surprised. Yes, they're simple, and yes, their eyes sometimes do wander in two different directions at once. That doesn't mean they can't create something of value!

I must again reiterate their ability to learn repetitive tasks. Cooking is a repetitive task, so why can't they learn that, too? I will concede it is a bit tougher, and if a kobold is to be compared to a cookbook, well... it's only allowed to be a few pages long. Kobolds don't retain large amounts of information well.

To get around this shortcoming, I've devised a method of dividing and conquering. For each day of the week, a set of three kobolds are tasked with my breakfast, lunch, and dinner recipes. I understand that does add up to twenty-one kobolds, when I'd previously mentioned I only had eleven. That was a teensy lie on my part, and I assure you that is the only lie you'll find in this guide.

Now each kobold only needs to know one part of three recipes to satisfy my needs, which they handle easily enough. The end results speak for themselves: T-bone Tuesdays and fish Fridays are my personal favorites, followed closely by Sushi Sundays. Olly makes a mean eel sauce, I must admit. Occasionally I'll switch it up, which is a bit of a process to reteach them that, no, not that spice, use this one instead. No matter, I'm a beast of endless patience, and those that test my patience endlessly are dispatched quickly enough. I can only take so many over-salted lamb chops in a row before poor Chasy had to take the one-way trip down my gullet instead.

The last of the important categories is perhaps the most crucial: sex.

Don't look so shocked! We're all adults here.

Would you believe me if I told you that kobolds have the same needs as you and I? Remember that fancy word I had to look up on the internet? Mutualism. A symbiotic relationship between me and my kobold harem. They get off to me getting off. That is just how kobolds are. They're meant to serve, and they're damn good at it.

Want examples? Naturally I'd expect you would. Let's welcome Fitch and Tuna again to the stage. With a nudge and a single word of command, they've moved their tender paws to more sensitive areas of my body. They're doing a great job down there, like always. They don't just use their hands. Oral, anal, footjobs, slip-n-slide... they do it all. Enticing, right? You should be on the edge of your seat, this is fascinating stuff.

Kobolds are sexual creatures; they crave companionship. I give them that. They desire pleasure. I'm gracious enough to offer that, too. They are horny. So am I. These commonalities make up the bond that is shared among my lesser-scaled brethren.

Simply suggesting the act of passionate sex around a kobold will have them scampering to your every command. I mean it, really! They are so easy. If you're looking for hard-to-get in a kobold, you're going to be looking for a long, long time.

Speaking of a long time, they can go at it for as long as you'd like. Their stamina is unbelievable! If there's one thing kobolds every other species beat in, it's endurance. They go the extra mile--I would make a pun here, but I will withhold it for the sake of keeping this guide as formal as possible.

One important note that I must stress is kobold sexual preference. Not theirs, but yours--their sexual preference is damn near anything that has a pulse. You don't have to choose between a selection of only male or only female kobolds, though I'd highly recommend it, because what do you think they'll be doing when they aren't caring for you? The last thing you want on your hands is several litters from your kobolds getting it on like there's no tomorrow!

You could always neuter them, but know that results vary. My kobolds are all males, and let me say, that does not stop them from enjoying each other's company one bit. Horny little buggers. It's a miracle that I don't find at least one pair of them getting frisky with one another on a daily basis. More often it's several of them. Depending on my mood, I tend to join in on the fun. They don't mind one bit. The more, the merrier.

Let's circle back again to our lovely scenario. Kobold interrupts your jog, yip yap yip, yada yada yada. What do you do now? Before this guide, you might've seized up and awkwardly shuffled away the confused kobold. Maybe you would've politely allowed the kobold to continue on with his chattering noises, nodding in fake interest.

Now, let's taken what we've learned. First, shut them up. You can do this in a few different ways. I personally would take his jaws in my hands and simply start applying pressure until the noises stop. Once you have a kobold that's listening instead of talking, you can take control of the situation.

From here, it entirely depends on what you want. Feeling a bit peckish after your run? Get them to work on breakfast! Are your clothes soaked with sweat? Take them off and give them to your kobold! And while you're naked, how about having those tired muscles messaged? They can take care of that! Don't worry if that message turns into something more. It can't be helped. The second that kobold smells your sweaty clothes and sees the lovely sight of your naked body, they won't be able to stop themselves from submitting to your desires.

Chapter 3: Sex and the Kobold

This is really why you bought my handbook, isn't it? I don't blame you. Hundreds of guides, articles, courses, and not a single one dares to discuss the one subject on everyone's minds. I'm not one to punish my readers for being curious. I remember my youthful inexperience very well, an awkward whelp without any advice to push me in the right direction. having this guide would've been a godsend.

Know that the previous chapter's discussion of sex was just a tease of what's to come. An entire chapter is absolutely necessary to explore the sexual needs of a kobold, a deep dive into the nitty-gritty of what a tiny, scaled creature truly desires in a partner--or master. So, let's begin.

First, we should define what a kobold enjoys: everything.

Easy enough to remember? Kobolds are as malleable as clay rolled between your fingers. Whatever you desire from them, they will satisfy with no pushback. They can be finnicky little devils, but I've yet to find one hesitant to my advances. Remember, I'm a dragon with a plethora of experience and voracious libido, so if I've never found a prudish kobold, then you can safely assume no such kobold exists. If you do happen to cross paths with one, you can safely assume they're defective--or cursed, maybe.

But enough about whatever I was talking about, we're all here for the sex talk, so let's talk about sex! To truly satisfy a kobold, and thereafter having their undying devotion, you must experiment. Try new things with them, find what makes them tick, and expand on those ticks. Soon enough, they'll be ticking enough to sound like a clock on the wall.

To help you along with your self-discovery as a kobold-tamer, here are several points that seem to work in most general cases.

1. Foreplay

2. Petplay

3. Maws and Paws

4. Possession

5. Reward System

The first is perhaps the most obvious. Of course foreplay is important. It still requires stressing on how and why foreplay is important. Foreplay is not exactly the same for a kobold as it is for other creatures. They are always horny, so there's little need for the standard form of foreplay. We must redefine the term. Instead of foreplay being a way to prepare your partner, it should be considered as a way to pace your partner. It is a form of control.

The correct term I'm flirting around with is orgasm control--or orgasm denial, edging, and other various wordplays that focus on dominion over your partner's pleasure. Your kobold must be properly leashed--metaphorically and literally.

My final thought on foreplay is that it really isn't a prerequisite, and that the bigger challenge will be curtailing your kobold. I'd mentioned that I had a voracious libido, but it still pales compared to some of my pets. You'll need to pay importance to this if your sex drive is anything less than outlandishly wild, because your kobold's sex drive will drive you insane if you don't manage it.

I've had friends, family, and clients that didn't heed my warning, thinking they would enjoy the extra attention. They do enjoy it initially, fucking to their hearts content the first few days. The following days are usually when realization starts to kick in, as their body demands rest, but their kobold demands more. Dread follows shortly after when they're woken in the middle of the night by someone humping their face.

Within a week they'd come crawling back to me, either ready to listen or demanding I take back the kobold. I always feel bad for my scaled brethren in that moment, unsure why they're being abandoned, having done nothing wrong. You shouldn't blame your pet when they do something they were never trained not to do.

Speaking of pets, we can quickly cover the next topic of petplay. This one is also straightforward and without any twisted meaning. Kobolds simply adore petplay. What isn't there to adore about being a handsome dragon's pet?

To be honest, I don't really have much else to say about petplay, it really speaks for itself. If you're into petplay, then you're in luck. If not, your loss.

Maws and paws are more of a niche kink. You've probably heard a few jokes tossed around about kobold's lust for maws and paws. You should know that, while some of them are distasteful, they're mostly true.

The fact is that kobolds are small. Where we normally see a foot, they see a crushing press. Where we normally see a mouth, they see a waterbed. I don't act like I know what it feels like to see from a kobold's perspective; that's only for them to experience. I do know that is the feelings they've communicated to me when I smother them under my toes or bathe them with my tongue.

Now, this only applies for bigger species like dragons, unfortunately, because even though kobolds are small, they're not astronomically tiny. You can still have your fun with them as a normal-sized, run-of-the-mill individual, but the effectiveness is not quite the same. Only when you're capable of swallowing them whole or hiding their entire body under your pads will you get the most out of this kink.

And how does this apply to getting you off? Well, hopefully you can find some enjoyment out of having a kobold underneath your meaty paws. Or perhaps you like seeing their goofy faces when their entire face is soaked with your saliva. If you enjoy using their bodies in various ways, then this should be the perfect thing to spice up your sex life with a kobold.

An example I find most satisfying is dripping a healthy load between my toes and across their squished snouts. Another is pleasuring their crotch until I taste their jizz on my tongue. I'm getting myself worked up just writing these out...

Experiment! Keep on trying, and maybe you'll find something I've never considered! Don't bet on it, though.

My next point may have you stumped. Possession is not normally a sexualized term, I'll give you that. I'll use a helpful assistant to help me explain what I mean. You've met my personal favorite, Tuna--kobolds are not jealous creatures, so saying Tuna is my personal favorite is not offensive to them. This does not mean they don't feel sad or down when you mistreat them. Do NOT mistreat your kobolds!

As I was saying, Tuna will be demonstrating what it means to be possessed by me, and no, not a "haunted" type of possessed, I steer clear of that kind of stuff. What I'm referring to is how she acts and looks under my care. Right now, like all my other kobolds, she wears a collar with her name tagged on it. This is not because I can't tell them apart--though I don't mind admitting that is a nice benefit--but rather is because each of these kobolds have been claimed by me.

You think Tuna was always called Tuna before I claimed her? No, she was not. I don't remember her previous name, nor do I care to. She is my Tuna now, and she loves my new name for her. Don't you, Tuna? She says yes--or at least, the yip equivalent of yes.

Maybe you were keen enough to catch that I referred to Tuna as a she. This was not a mistake. There are many different methods to claiming your kobold. Referring to all my male kobolds as female is one of my personal methods. I always make sure to comment on how cute her tiny sheath and balls look between her legs, just to remind her who's in control. And that's what possession is: another method of control.

Tuna wears a leash often, allowing me to keep her close to wherever I tie her too--sometimes one of my paws or around my neck. Sometimes an especially short leash around the base of my tail... I'm sure you understand what desires I demand of her when she's tied down there.

Tuna, like all my kobolds, goes where I go. Being away from them is as much torture for them as it is for me. But sometimes there are times when I do have to be separated from my pets. During these short periods, I must find ways to influence my claim over them, even when I'm not there to do so.

Scents are an effective way to do this. Dirty garments stained by my seed. If you're daring, other bodily fluids can also suffice. Yes, golden showers do the job nicely as well. Marking your territory is a perfectly valid method of possessing a kobold. Just be sure to clean them up before allowing them into your bed!

Once you've successfully convinced them that they are solely your property, it will take little effort to bend them to your every will. Thank you for the wonderful demonstration, Tuna. I'll let her get back to massaging my rump now, with the promise of an enticing reward afterwards...

Which leads me perfectly into my last topic of reward systems. This one takes all the previous topics into consideration. To become a kobold's master, you must either use one of two emotions: fear or love. Fear is an awful method. What are you, a wannabe supervillain? So that just leaves love. And what better way to show your love than to reward them for their efforts?

If they abstain from jumping on top of you every possible moment throughout the day, they should be rewarded with a plentiful orgasm. If they dive into petplay with visible enthusiasm, they should be rewarded as a good boy or girl. If they lay for hours under your paws or allow you to suckle on their body like a lollipop, they should be allowed to pop afterwards. Whenever they confirm that they are your possession by an act of some sort, they should be praised to the upmost degree.

All this to say, please shower your kobold in affection when they do something right! You should not be careless in your responsibilities. A kobold will only care for those who care equally for them.

There must be one similarity at the end of each of the scenarios we conjure in this guide: reciprocation. Reciprocate with your kobold, damnit! Too many of you are expecting the world from your kobold without putting in any effort in return. I've seen it too often, and it breaks my heart. If you cum, they should also cum. It is as simple as that. An orgasming kobold is a happy kobold.