Lost In The Dark
#1 of Reflections
As I feel lost and unsure, not knowing what to do and my shadows take over, I write. I try to understand. I try to allow and let go. I am tired. But I will not give up.
I woke with a start and found my gaze completely empty.
No light, no shadow, just dim, unending grey.
I turned left, then right. Nothing. Endless void.
"Hello?" I called out, my voice immidiately dying off as though eaten by the nothing.
"Hello?" I tried louder. "H-hello?"
It felt like my breath was being pulled out of me with every word, then every breath.
Then, at the edges of my vision, I saw them.
Shadows that shifted away from my sight every time I tried to look at them.
Then, they whispered. So softly I could hardly hear them over my racing heart.
Then, louder. But not at me, within me. They spoke directly to my mind.
My heart raced faster and faster. My breath shortened and quickened.
They spoke dark things to me. Terrible things.
"I'm not worth it. I'm not good enough."
I closed my eyes, not that it mattered.
"You can't be loved. You're not attractive."
I tried to cover my ears, but they began to shout.
"You're a fool! An idiot!"
I shook my head, tried to stifle a sob.
"The moment you love someone, you fall apart!"
Tears burn down my cheeks.
"You never learn! You try and you always fail!"
I can hardly breath. I open my mouth, try to gasp, I nearly choke.
"You are alone!"
I finally wailed. Loudly. Liberally. I wailed and wailed.
"I am not!" I shouted back at them.
"I am loved!" I hollered.
"I am worthy!" I cried, tears flowing faster.
"I am not alone!" I howled, louder than anything.
And the shadows faded. Puffs of smoke before a summer wind.
The darkenss shifted and tore. Little cracks appeared and spread across the void.
The ground shook and the dark broke away, falling into a still pool.
I floated above the surface of the water, saw my own reflection.
"You are love," it said gently to me.
"You are never alone."
It smiled at me and I smiled at it. Gently. Encouragingly.
"Let them go."
"How?"
"Be love."