FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

The way the smoke from the exhale reaches it's tendrils in every direction, before reaching the open window has always felt calming. It almost makes up for draft it lets in or steep step that seems to shrink i size with every passing day. Is there such a thing as 'perching' with your butt cheeks like? Butters shifts around trying to get comfortable, as they finish their cigarette. Sadly the window in their attic room leaves a lot to be desired ventilation wise, so to avoid the long journey down the stairs they typically use the window next to Chloe's bedroom door, that's at the bottom of the stairs that's right outside Butter's door.

"I dduunnooo", they dunno, they just don't know. Now Butters thoughts are lucid again, ironically they are in no better position to slip back right to where they were. It's the shame of it, although Butters goes back and forth on that kind of thinking. Is it productive to dismiss these feelings they get in response to rejection? Is that how we get to somewhere like here in the first place? Butters knows this is the cycle they find themselves in. Tonight will convince them, they gotta cut Humans out of their life. They'll do it too, but without addressing what they needed from them in the first place. And when, not if, but when they get rejected for searching for that Thing from Monsters, they'll go right back to craving their acceptance. It's oh so so easy to say their future is with Monsters not Human, and deep down Butters knows this to be true. But to suffer this loneliness for the sake of A Point? Aaah but what selfish thinking! And what? Are Chloe and Ell supposed to bare the brunt of their spite every time this cycle begins anew?

Oh Ell, the way she was so sweet tonight... Tonight it had dawned on them that they had developed a real fondness for Ell. The way they could start screaming at each other in the moment, but come together in the end... It was familiar to them. The clashing, the hacking of their foundations and how they help each other fill the holes that the collision had revealed. Butters thinks off Chloe and the time they spent together. Oh yes, it's a familiar feeling to Butters. To feel this again is a great privileged and yet, the Knowing of it comes because of this night.

And Chloe, their kin, their life, the owner of their very soul, where do you even begin? It all culminates as it starts to creep into Butters thoughts, that they don't deserve the friends that they have... But maybe it's time to start.

Butter was so lost in this thinking (and their head had sunken so low), that they didn't notice Chloe has returned from the outside and had headed up the stairs and towards their room. Butters eventually lifts up their head to see Chloe leaning over the steps. The Squirrel was glad to see her, perhaps for a millisecond, but Butters knows Chloe so well that not be greeted with "you alriite?" means the question doesn't need to be answered. Indeed, Chloe with a slight tinge of irritation on her face meets Butters gaze. Butters goes to say something, anything, acknowledgement? Some honesty? To let them know they care so much for them, but by god does Butters need help? But nothing comes out, just some croaks that in a better world would've been the start of a sentence. But they arn't going to say anything, Chloe knows this too. The Cat then chucks something from their Paw, Butters catches it in both hands. It was their bottle of meds they had elected not to take earlier. Butters can't even look back up to meet Chloe's stare anymore. Chloe after a long sigh breaks this silence

-You know what I'm gonna say, every word, every question, every bit of advice. So I'm not gonna say it.

Chloe then lifts herself from leaning over the stairs and opens her door as she heads towards her room. She lifts up her paw which contains a small USB drive in it.

-But what I am gonna say is: I borrowed Amber's stash of terrible movies.

Chloe doesn't close the door as she enters her room and walks over to her laptop to set the movie up.

Butters stares for a little while at he bottle of their meds, slowly twisting it between the fingers of their paws. They remember what they said to themselves before. It does no good to punish themselves for how they're feeling and lord help them, there's only one thing they feel like doing now.

Butters slowly gets up from the step they sat on and slowly walks towards Chloe's room, curling their tail around the doorhandle as they close the door.