1st Grade Was Metal! (based on a true story)
A hilariously edgy adventure I played with some classmates in 1st Grade. I know it's dumb and hard to follow, but I'm amazed I remember it this well into my 20s.
1st Grade Was Metal!
Based on a true story.
Do you remember pretending you were an animal as a kid? You probably do (especially if you're reading this right now) Before the 2010s, any kids under 12 could play as dogs and cats without much fear of being mocked or called furries. Good times.
Me and my friends once played a game where I was a handsome Stallion who had to rescue a herd of mares from the glue factory. In 1st Grade!
The big rescue wasn't as easy as it sounded. First I had to chase off the evil rustlers who were tired of going after slow elk and were promised a fat paycheck to kidnap some innocent mares. Unfortunately, I was no thoroughbred and most of the rustlers escaped with the mares. Then I had to travel to Canada, because as any 6 year old knows, wholesale horse slaughter is illegal in the good ol' USA. The trip to Canada took a whole recess that seemed to last an eternity. It was just me, myself, and I out on the open road. Come to think of it, that part of the adventure was probably so the girls I was playing with would get some time away from me. I was no ladies-man, a complete gentleman, and a firm believer in cooties to this day, but I was clingy when anybody showed interest in being my friend, because I didn't have any real friends.
Once in the land of maple syrup and honey, I found the slaughter house right away, as some sickos placed it barely over the border. I kicked in the door with my powerful hind legs and found the mares soon after. Escaping was a lot harder. Every evil factory trope you could think of was there, mashing pistons, lava pits, flaming projectiles, conveyor belt to a sausage machine, and the oompa-loompa song playing in the background. Miraculously, we all escaped unharmed, but evil robots were coming after us! Fortunately, one of the mares, Shotgun Mitsy, had her amazing backpack of invisible AKs and we gunned down the hordes. A couple of us ponies went back in to set explosive charges and rid the world of the evil once and for all. Then the FBI squad arrived to tell us that recess was over. As we walked back to class, we remembered that one of the FBI agents (teachers) was tragically caught in the explosion. But we still had to do our math. 1stGrade was metal.
Despite all we went through together, none of the girls ever wanted to play pretend with me again. They said something about how they didn't want to play with anybody who was scared of the oompa-loompa song. Making friends in that school was tough. Did I ever tell you about the time I pretended to decapitate Chuck-E-Cheese, because one kid said we could be friends if I brought him the head of Chucky. He meant Chucky The Possessed Doll. Oops. Rest in Peace, Mr Cheese. Here come those FBI agents...
Note:
There were some embellishments here and there, but most of it is how I remember it. My hometown is filled with gun nuts and yes, the kids really are like this. At least they were in my day. The Chucky thing happened too.
I'm sorry, I know this was a trip. I promise my writing style is not normally like this.