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Even though Rocko pooped on my muzzle the first day I met him, I never held any grudges against the little guy. Ever since that day, I totally loved that little bastard and he made my black heart melt each time I was spending time with him. Before you think that someone took a dump on my muzzle, Rocko was my budgie encase you weren't listening before. He was very active and loved company. Sometimes, I could sit with him for hours playing with him. And this one time, late in the evening, he fell asleep while he was sitting on my hand. I didn't want to wake him because he looked so cute, sitting like that with his head buried in his fur. It's kinda strange to realize how someone can get so attached to a small ball of fluff...

Blain and I were starting to hang out again, much to his girlfriend's annoyance. We weren't hanging out as much as we used to but it was a start. His girlfriend was a real pain in the ass because she called him constantly whenever the two of us were hanging out. Sometimes I really had the urge to yank his cell phone out of his hand and to tell her the truth to put it nicely. If I did, I'd probably yell every swear word known to mankind and tell her that if she calls him again whenever we were together, I'd pay her a little visit to knock her teeth straight. Of course, I never did but it really started to piss me off... Blain, on the other hand, is a sweet, sensitive, calm and caring guy. He'd never go ape shit against someone... Blain is timid and his girlfriend seemed to take advantage of that. It was just the way he was talking to her... I never fully heard their conversations but I always knew that she was. I didn't know what it was that made him fell in love with her in the first place. And it really made me think that she wasn't worth it to be Blain's girlfriend. I think deep down, Blain knew he was getting used by her but being the sweet guy that he is, he chose to get used by Rachel just to satisfy her. We had talks about his relationship with her but that always came to a dead end. I really wanted to intervene whenever she used him because it was really pissing me off... But for his sake, I never did... But whenever she wasn't calling him, we had one hell of a good time together whenever we were hanging out...

Things went fast ever since the evening I went to the gym with Samantha. Within no time, she became my best friend. I remember we tried to kick each other's asses in the hospital several months ago but now we were best friends. I still remembered that but I think that Sam forgot that it ever happened. It didn't take long before we started seeing each other outside of school as well. Hanging out together in the weekends, usually shopping and nosing around in the mall, and of course, going to the gym together. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I had a paper round when I was fifteen years old. It paid like fifty dinar a week and even though it wasn't much, I managed to save up quite a lot. It was usually spend on clothes or I just saved it encase I saw something I wanted in town. And of course, to spend it at Giuseppe's... And one day, Sam and I were spending the afternoon together in town. I haven't been at Giuseppe's in quite a while but the moment Sam and I entered his ice-cream parlor, he still recognized me, smiled when he saw us and asked how we were doing. He immediately brought us two bowls of Dame Blanches and seeing as Samantha never tasted his ice-cream before, Giuseppe waited until she took the first bite. She fucking loved it... I wouldn't expect any different. Anyone who tasted his ice-cream would agree that it was the best thing since sliced bread. A smile appeared magically on her face after that first bite. Giuseppe laughed and told us that this one was on the house... Of course, he said that when there were no customers in his parlor... We thanked him as he smiled at us and went back to do his thing when a couple of customers entered his parlor while Sam and I just enjoyed our ice-creams...

'Wow, this is really good. I can't believe I haven't discovered this place sooner.'

'Hm-mm... My boyfriend and I used to come here all the time when we were still together...'

'You still miss him, do you?'

'I still got my moments every now and then, you know...'

'What was his name?'

'Hm?'

'What was his name?'

'Sar- Samir.'

'Hehehe...'

'Sometimes I just really miss him...'

'Why did he ever break up with you?'

'Because he was moving away and he thought that a long distance relationship wasn't gonna work... And well, I tried to stay in touch with him but it just wasn't working out anymore...'

'I'm sorry to hear that...'

'Thanks...'

It stayed quiet for a moment while we were eating our ice-cream. That chocolate sauce is just so good on those scoops of vanilla ice-cream... I already finished mine a couple of minutes after that but Sam really took her time to enjoy every little bite...

'You know, my dad used to take me to ice-cream parlors when I was little but I can't remember I ever had an ice-cream this good.'

'Hehehe...'

'No, seriously...'

'Do you and your dad get along well with each other?'

'Oh yes, absolutely. He's the best dad you could ever wish for.'

'Hehe... What about your mother...?'

'Well... My mom left us when I was five years old. So my dad raised me all by himself. And after school, I always went to the gym where Frank took care of me until my dad picked me up after work. My dad practiced kickboxing and Frank trained him ever since he was little. And now that I was visiting the gym every day, Frank trained me as well and I've known him for as long as I can remember. So yeah, I grew up in a guy's world. Things weren't always so easy for my dad and me but we always managed.'

'I see...'

'Heh... Two years ago, my mother tried to get in contact again with us because she wanted to see me. My dad told me that I could see her if I wanted to. But I just figured that she didn't want me as her daughter and I didn't want her as my mother... And then one day, I came home and noticed she was in the living-room, talking to my dad. So I was very brief about that visit and told her that I don't know her and never want to know her.'

'Oh...'

'My dad had a hard time seeing her again after all these years though. But we made it through all these years without her and seeing her again after so many years wouldn't change anything between us. The moment she left again, things returned to normal. He did so many things for me and busted his back to pay for my education, which is why I'm taking every opportunity. He's the best guy you could ever wish for...'

'Aww...'

'Hehehe... Yeah...'

'Are you gonna finish your ice-cream?'

'I'm working on it...'

About fifteen minutes later, she finally finished her ice-cream and even though Giuseppe told us it was on the house, I paid for it. Sam already got out her wallet but I gave Giuseppe a ten dinar bill and told him to keep the change. He had a friendly smile on his face as we said our goodbyes and made our way outside his parlor.

'Thanks for the ice-cream, Ceylan.'

'You're welcome...'

While we were walking around, we came across various shops and everything. And we even came across the tattoo parlor where Sam got her tattoos. We stopped and looked at the window display, showing numerous tattoos on display, as well as different piercings and stuff. Seeing Sam's tattoos was something that made me think impulsive and I was dieing to get one too. It's a good thing that Sam reminded me that I've got black stripes so if I had a tattoo, it would be difficult to spot... And then I saw a picture in the display window of a lioness... She had her lip and her nose pierced, along with her bellybutton. But what got me was that she had three piercings in her right ear... And that's when it came to me... I could imagine myself with three ear-piercings... Just one wouldn't do... I saw that picture of that lioness and that's exactly how I wanted it... But then I noticed the pricelist... It costs thirty-five dinar for the piercing and the jewellery... Times three is hundred and five dinar... And it's a lot of money... But I had the money... "Go insiiiiiiide..." Imagine the look on their faces when they see me with three piercings... I could only imagine how it would look like...

'Hehehe, what are you thinking of?'

'I thought a lot about tattoos lately but I think that it's not really my thing.'

'Yes, it would be difficult to see it with all those black stripes you have.'

'That crossed my mind as well. Sooooo...'

'So?'

'What about something that's more visible...? And maybe even look cooler than a tattoo?'

'A piercing?'

'PiercingSssss... Three of them, to be exactly.'

'Well, where do you wanna put them?'

'My right ear, just like the girl on the photo.'

'You serious? You don't think you're parents will be pissed if you did something like that?!'

'Yes! Come on!'

I dragged Samantha inside the shop and this cougar guy covered in tattoos and piercings behind the counter was cleaning up or something. And while we were walking slowly towards the counter, I took a good look around the parlor. It looked very clean and decent...

'Hello!'

'Hi! Can I help you?'

'Yeah, I'd like to inquire more about ear piercings.'

'What sort of piercing are you interested in?'

'The ones that go on top of your ear, like that girl on the photo.'

'Ah, a helix piercing.'

'Hm-mm. So... How exactly does it go?'

'Well, first of, we mark the place where you want your piercing to be. Then you can hold the jewellery to your ear to get an impression how it looks like. And after you're satisfied with it, we can pierce it. Your ear will be disinfected with alcohol before we apply the piercing and we use sterilized needles and latex gloves. The piercing itself will be sterilized in an autoclave to get rid of any bacteria's.'

'Will it hurt? I bet that's a question you get a lot.'

'Hehe, we do, actually. It depends whether or not it hurts, really. Some people think it's painful and others don't. It also depends where you're placing it.'

'I see. Anything I need to keep in mind after I got my piercing?'

'It's very important to keep it clean. Never touch your piercing when it's in the healing process. You should clean your piercing with mild soap until the wound is healed, which would take around six to eight weeks. If it's not healed, you should avoid pools, saunas and tanning. Dry you piercing with a clean towel or a tissue.'

'Is it dangerous?'

'No, it's safe. However, there's a possibility that it might get infected or bleed if you don't take good care of it. Before we apply a piercing, you'll have to sign an informed consent and that you are aware of the possible consequences. If something happens, we are not responsible if you're not taking good care of it.'

'Wow... That sucks all the fun out of it.'

'It's safe to do so if you take good care of your piercing.'

'Alright... Is it possible for me to take an informed consent home with me so that I can read everything through?'

'Yes, of course, but I would like to see your ID before I give one to you.'

'My ID?'

'Yes. You'll have to be eighteen years old before you can get a piercing.'

'And I suppose that when you're below the age of eighteen, you need approval from one of your parents.'

'Yes. They need to sign another document and bring their ID with them when you and one of your parents come here to get your piercing.'

'Oh... I never thought it was that much of a big deal...'

'It is. It's legally required.'

'Hm... Guess I'll just have to wait another year then.'

'At least it'll give you enough time to think about your decision about getting one.'

'True. Thanks for the info, you've been a great help.'

'You're welcome.'

'Cheers, mate.'

'Bye.'

And after that, Samantha and I got out of the tattoo parlor... I really hoped I could get my piercings but seemed I had to wait another year... At least it gave me a lot of time to think about. It's never a good thing to trust on your impulsive behaviour and thoughts...

It was getting late in the afternoon when we got out of the tattoo parlor. But Samantha and I were not intending to go home just yet. We talked while we were slowly strolling past the countless of window displays of various shops. Some of them were closing and called it a day. Every now and then we stopped to see what they had on display but continued to walk anyway... And at some point, we reached the park located near the shopping mall and sat down on a bench near the lake...

'Ceylan...?'

'Yes?'

'Have you ever thought about dating again after Samir broke up...?'

'Nope... Not really. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm perfectly fine being single.'

'Yeah but...'

'But...?'

'The things you told me about him made it sound as if you were madly in love with him, you know. It's just sad to know that something like that gets torn apart by something that isn't even your fault to begin with...'

'It'll pass, Sam. There are a million more like Samir out there.'

'Then why aren't you trying to find someone else?'

'Because you won't find it if you're looking for it...'

'Well, not if their hiding from you.'

'Hm? Whadda ya mean?'

'I think some guys might even be afraid of you...'

'Afraid of me? Why?'

'Well, you can get a little intimidating sometimes, you know. A lot of guys seem to like you...'

'You don't look bad yourself.'

'Yes, but I'm already taken. And you, my dear fluffy furry feline friend, are not.'

'So?'

'Sooooooooo... Maybe you just need to get in touch with your feminine side every once in a while...'

'Just what the hell are you insinuating?!'

'I'm just saying to ease up a little whenever a guy is trying to approach you. It can be difficult for a guy to approach a girl they like, you know...'

'I know, I know... I just have a lot of trouble trusting people, you know. I had a lot of difficulties in the past just to get myself straight from everything that ever happened to me...'

'Because of the war...?'

'Yes... Amongst it...'

'Ceylan... I know you don't want to talk about it but...'

'Hm?'

'If you ever feel the need to talk about it, know that I'll always be here for you when you need me...'

'Hehe... Thanks, Sam... I really appreciate it... But it's all in the past now...'

I looked in her green eyes and saw she had a weak smile on her face. But behind that smile, I saw something that I couldn't really place. Was it compassion? Sympathy...? Or just plain curiosity that made her say it? I didn't know for sure but the fact that she cared so much about something she knew so little about made me feel that Sam was the most caring person in the world. No wonder why so many people liked her... I regret I ever had to lie to her about my imaginary boyfriend Samir... I felt guilty about the fact that I couldn't be honest against her, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to keep that a secret... I wasn't intending to tell her the truth about me... Not just yet... Not that afternoon when everything seemed so perfect when we were together... Just the two of us... I looked at Sam and noticed she looked a little desolate as she looked down... I placed my hand on hers just to let her know it's alright... To know that I appreciate her as a friend... She looked up afterwards and smiled at me while I felt these wonderful feelings rushing through my body... So I quickly let go of her hand...

'Heh...'

'So how was Samir like...?'

'Very sweet... I knew him for years but it wasn't until a year ago we started to realize that we had feelings for each other...'

'Aww...'

'He was just so much fun to hang out with, you know. He just knew what I really liked...'

'Like what...?'

'Well... Giving these tender bites in my neck scruff... The way he did it really turned me on...'

'Hehehe...'

'And the sex... The sex was just so amazing...'

"Oh wow... She totally didn't expect THAT..." She looked a little surprised when I blurted it out just like that. I thought that if she really was so curious about me, I figured she also wanted to know about my sex life too. It sucked at the time but I had a great sex life with Samir- I mean Sarah. Samantha looked at me for a moment while numerous memories were flashing by me... I might've even had a bit of a dreamy smile on my face... But Samantha kept staring at me, as if sex was a taboo to talk about...

'Sex?'

'Well, yeah... I mean... Don't you...?'

'Sometimes... Whenever I feel I like it...'

'You and Devon or...?'

'Or...?'

'Alone?'

'Both...'

"She doesn't talk about sex much, does she...?" Sam looked a little embarrassed after that short but revealing answer. It seemed that Devon and Samantha didn't talk about sex the way that Sarah and I did. We were open about it and told each other what we really liked... Experimented with new things... And maybe that's the reason why Sam was so embarrassed about it... As if it was a bad thing to like it...

'So uh... Do you like having sex with him...?'

'What?! Seriously, what kind of a question is that?!'

'A simple one. I just want to make sure that Devon is taking good care of you...'

'Uh...'

It was obvious that Sam was shy about sex at the time. She couldn't fool me that she never had sex before with someone. But what surprised me was that someone as tough and confident like Samantha could be so timid and insecure when it came to sex... She had no problem showing off her body to me whenever we were taking a shower after we worked out at the gym...

'It's not that I don't like it with him but... It's just that...'

'Yes?'

'Naah, forget it...'

'Oh, come on! Tell me!'

'Well... Uh... I, uh... I just don't feel ready for it yet...'

'What do you mean?'

'Just the thought of it doesn't feel right...'

'You're a virgin?'

'Yeah...'

'Hehehe...'

'What? You're gonna laugh at me because I am?'

'No, no, I just never thought you'd be so insecure about sex...'

'Well, that's the thing... I do everything Devon asks me to do but I just wished that he would do more for me, you know...'

'Why don't you just tell him what you really like?'

'I don't know... Sometimes I feel confident about it but at the last moment, I always crawl back... He doesn't really like that and well... I don't want him to think that I don't want to anymore...'

'So it just stays at oral and stuff...?'

'Yeah...'

'Do you think sex is mandatory when it comes to having a relationship? That it's all part of it...?'

'I guess...'

'You shouldn't do it if it doesn't feel right, you know...'

'Yeah, I know but sometimes I get the feeling as if he gets fed up with it... I know he really wants to...'

'If he really wants it, then he'll have to wait until you're ready for it... That's all there is to it...'

'I guess so...'

Was she really happy with him? Did Devon even know how she feels about him...? Did he even feel the same way about Samantha...? So many questions were going through my head when I sat on the bench with Samantha at the park that day. It was clear to me that Samantha was a romanticist. She'd value cuddles and kisses more than a desired climax with someone she loves the most... But that didn't mean she doesn't want them... Hearing her story made me think that Devon was doing an absolute shitty job in what he did... And what's worse was that Sam thought that sex is mandatory in a relationship... It's never mandatory unless you both want to... And it's clear that she didn't want to go that far... So in conclusion, her sex life must've been a little shitty... But then again, I never saw what happened in her bedroom... I wish I could, though...

'Did you ever go that far with Samir...?' Sam asked me quietly...

'Hm-mm...'

'So how was that like...? Did it hurt...?'

'Naah... It didn't really hurt. To be honest, I thought that it would be a lot worse...'

'How did it feel...?'

'I don't really know how to describe it. But it was amazing though... He got down on me for a while and gently fingered me... And at some point, I got on top of him and gently rubbed my vagina against his penis... Aaaaaaaaand... Then I got on my back while he was prodding his tip in me... And after that, well... He penetrated me... Everything we did happened slowly and well... I can honestly say that it was the best sex I ever had...'

Sam looked a little disturbed when I went in detail like that. But it also sparked her curiosity... It might've got her wondering why Devon and she couldn't be like that...

'Heh...'

'I believe it's very important to talk about sex, what you really like and what you don't like. Foreplay was something that was the most important to us and the actual intercourse was always just a bonus... I guess that's the reason why our sex life was so great. And that's also the reason why I miss it so much...'

'I see...'

'Plus, it also depends if your lucky or not.'

'Whadda ya mean?'

'I was lucky that... Well...'

'Hm...?'

'I was lucky that Samir loved the taste of my pussy... He'd go down on me for as long as I wanted...'

I can honestly say that I had a hard time trying to keep my laughter in. Her face turned red in a blink of an eye the moment I said that... But still she remained that little spark of curiosity in her eyes...

'Did Samir ever made you... You know... When he did...?'

'Reach my climax?'

'Yes?'

'He did, once... And uh... I'm not a girl who reach them frequently, so yeah, that was really special... And so good... Samir started to wonder what was wrong with him... I've got a lot of difficulties reaching one but I don't need one to enjoy the sex...'

'Even when you're going "solo"...?'

'Yup... Even when I go solo...'

'Oh...'

'What about you...? Did Devon ever made you reach an orgasm...?'

'Nope... I do when I go solo, though...'

'So what's your secret?'

'I don't know, I just close my eyes and think happy thoughts.'

'That's what I do but it never really seems to work...'

'Do you feel nervous...?'

'No, not really, why...?'

'Well... Maybe you're just focusing on reaching orgasms too much. Maybe you need to find out and well... Play with yourself a little to find out what drives you to it...'

'Hehe... I'll keep that in mind... Thanks...'

'You're welcome...'

The conversation we had that day was a little strange... It started out quite innocent while Sam was a little embarrassed to talk about this particular topic and all of a sudden, she gave me tips on how to successfully accomplish an orgasm. But she wasn't the only one being curious... I made her talk about sex... And now it was time to put the focus on her... I chose my words carefully when it stayed silent for a while...

'So uh... What exactly are these "happy thoughts" you're thinking of...?'

'You really wanna know...?'

'Hm-mm...'

'Promise me you won't think any different of me if I tell you...'

'I promise...'

I think she might've jumped the gun a little bit. The hesitation I saw prevented her from telling me... But I was dieing to know... On the inside, I was like "Tell me!! Tell me what you're thinking of when you masturbate!!" But on the outside, I stayed calm and acted as if every answer she was gonna give would leave me indifferent... And maybe that's the reason why she told me...

'I sometimes wonder what it's like to kiss a girl...'

'You do?'

'Yes...'

'Well, it's not that different, really...'

'How'd you know?'

'Because I kissed a girl once...'

'Oh?'

'Yeah... So... Don't think any different of me, now...'

'Of course not... So how was it like...?'

'Not really that different...'

'Heh...'

'Does it go further then just kissing or...?'

'I don't really know...'

'So... Are you telling me that... You're bi-sexual...?'

'No, I'm not...'

'What makes you so sure...?'

'Because... I believe that sex doesn't determine your sexuality... You either like it or you don't... I mean, a guy might like it to take it up his tail hole but that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay...'

'You're very right on that... But... Does that mean you want to know what its like to have sex with a girl...?'

'I'm not really sure... I wish I knew...'

'You're just curious... There's nothing wrong with that...'

'Thanks... I'm glad we can talk about this, you know.'

'You're most welcome... But I'd like you to promise me something as well...'

'What's that...?'

'Promise me that nothing will ever change between us because of it...'

'I promise, Ceylan...'

It stayed silent for a long time while I had a huge grin on the inside... At least I knew a little more about her sex life and her fantasies. I'd love to hear more to what drives her mad but I figured that I shouldn't be pushing it... It'll come... And even though I knew Sam could never fall in love with me and that I could never be with her the way I wanted to, I felt confident... At least I knew I wasn't alone anymore who cherished the same fantasies... But I had to stay realistic... Sam was already taken... And that thought came as a blow in the face... But then she asked me something that I totally did not expect... Especially not from her...

'Can I kiss you...?'

It took a couple of moments to sink that in... And once it was, I started to feel nervous... She was just going to kiss me to know what it's like to kiss another girl. But right that second, I knew that kiss would change everything for me. And maybe it would change everything for us... I tried not to show that I got so nervous all of a sudden so I looked at her, doing my best to pull a normal face...

'You want to kiss me?'

'Can I...?'

'Yeah, sure, why not...'

"Bad idea... This is such a bad idea, Ceylan..." But of course, I wasn't listening... To feel how she placed one hand on my cheek while the other one held the back of my head was so wonderful... My heart was beating faster and faster the closer I saw her getting to my face... And when I placed my hand on her cheek as the other one held the back of her head, I felt as if I could implode any minute... They say that when you're in love with someone, you feel butterflies in your stomach... But what I felt that day weren't butterflies... More like Pterodactyls roaming my stomach... The moment she gently pressed her lips against me was something that I will never forget... And it made me remember what it was like to be in love again... This ecstasy I felt myself floating away in was so intense... But the moment she stopped, I snapped back to reality. It only made me want more of it, as if I got addicted to a new kind of drugs... And then Sam looked at me and smiled nervously...

'How's that...?'

'Not bad but... if you're gonna kiss someone; you need to do it properly...'

'Uh...'

'Like this...'

I placed my hand on her cheek again while the other one held the back of her head... Samantha wasn't expecting me to kiss her again and I guess that made her a little nervous... So I had to be careful if I didn't want to fuck it up... I touched her lips with the tip of my tongue and tilted my head a little... And to my surprise, she did the same... She opened her mouth and tilted her head... Gently rubbing our tongues over each other... Over, and over again... Sam's a great kisser... I hope she knows that... This ecstasy I felt myself floating away in felt more intense than it did before... And the only thing I wished for was that I could kiss her every day like this... Just to hold her... And to make her feel things Devon couldn't make her feel... I already imagined my hand going down her jeans... Imagining rubbing my finger up and down slowly between her slit... To feel her getting wet... To turn her on, knowing she has fantasies about other girls... "Don't fucking push it, Ceylan, don't blow it..." And that's when I stopped... I looked at her while she was biting her upper lip and smiled nervously again...

'Heh... Wow...'

'How's that?'

'You're a good kisser...'

'Hehe... That's how Samir and I used to kiss...'

'Devon and me too but he's not that much of a kisser...'

'Then he obviously doesn't know what he's missing...'

Samantha and I looked at each other while there was this awkward silence... Samantha might've thought that kiss wasn't that much of a big deal but I already felt it... I felt more and more attracted to her since that kiss... But Samantha would never feel the same about me... She just had to satisfy her curiosity... And I already felt confused about everything... Why is everything so difficult...? I always knew I had different feelings for her... Being able to love Samantha was something that felt like catching the wind for me... You feel it but you'll never be able to grasp it and hold it tight... And that's what made everything so confusing for me... I always had a crush on Sam... But after that kiss, I was madly in love with her... And that kiss was the most confusing...

Many hours later, I was still thinking of her while I was at home in bed. Staring at the ceiling while so many thoughts went through my head... "Sam... Sammi... Samantha... Sweet pea..." I couldn't get my mind off of her... "I can't help it... I love her so much..." But it also got me wondering... Why did she want to kiss me...? Is it because I told her that I kissed a girl before...? Did I sparked her curiosity...? Or was it possible that there was more to our friendship...? Maybe she wasn't sure yet and had to find out for herself... And I know what it was like... I experienced the same confusing feelings, questioning things about myself and others. And I could only imagine what she was doing at that same moment... I hoped that Samantha was in her bed, thinking of me... I hoped that she started to have feelings for me since that day... But what I hoped most of all was if that kiss answered all of her questions... That it took every doubt away... I had to tell her... I had to tell Samantha that I'm bi-sexual and that I fell madly in love with her... But telling something like that isn't easy, especially if you don't know for sure if that person has feelings for you as well... But Samantha is such a sweet and caring girl... She'll understand... I was determined to show my feelings for her... But just the thought of it made me nervous... Exposing those feelings I've been bottling up for so long... And maybe... Just maybe... I was able to hold her close and kiss her gently... I closed my eyes and held on to my pillow as my mind drifted away to her once more...

"Goodnight, sweet pea..."