Chapter 21: The Same Pain
#21 of The Mating Season 5
Chapter 21: The Same Pain
Life was pain. Kel remembered his father saying that when he once expressed his shock and confusion about the horrors he had witnessed during a village raid when he'd been a child. The winter wolves, once their mortal foes, had snuck upon the summer village, intent on taking their females and livestock. Kel, just a small child, had witnessed unspeakable horrors as he and Loryn crouched together in the alley: males dashing out the brains of summer wolf infants, females smacked and beaten and carried away, summer wolf warriors writhing in agony in the dirt as the life poured from their chest. Aliona's father had been luckier: a great winter wolf struck him in the head, and he died instantly. Little Aliona and her mother came flying from their hut, ignoring the frenzied orders of the summer warriors that they should hide. Kel witnessed his first moment of true grief when he saw Aliona fall to her knees beside her father, and throwing herself upon him, she wept brokenly.
Why? Kel had demanded this in horror and confusion of Gurwin. Why had it happened? Why did wolves do those things to each other? Gurwin had given the above answer because that was the way Gurwin understood the world.
When he was a child himself, Gurwin went on to tell Kel, he had witnessed his father's death at the paws of a tail chaser. The tail chaser was being driven from the village after being caught in an affair with a married male. The male in question had already been stoned to death, and now this tail chaser - mostly because he had been a prized warrior - was being driven out by the summer wolves as a lone wolf. The mark had already been burned upon his head, and he was bloody and bruised from many beatings. The villagers were throwing rocks at him and driving him toward the gates when, in a sudden rage, the tail chaser hurled a rock at the nearest wolf - which had been Kel's grandfather. Kel's grandfather had been taking part in the stoning, had even beaten the tail chaser himself. So the rock had not been thrown at random.
When the rock struck home, Gurwin's father was killed instantly. In a rage, little Gurwin flew at the tail chaser and bit him. He was immediately kicked off and fell in the dirt, but he was bitterly rejoiced to see the others fall upon the offender at once, and with heavy sticks and rocks, they beat him to death.
Kel closed his eyes. The only way he could account for such madness was his father's old saying: life was pain. But sometimes without that pain, life was too much like death - or at least Kel had always believed that until this moment. He had rather not face this kind of pain.
Kel lay in one of the three upstairs guestrooms of Yuri and Enya's lavish home, his eyes closed as he lay on his back, thinking of Zaldon and all that had occurred. So he had been right. He would have given anything to have been wrong. Let Zaldon have come to love Julyan more. Let Zaldon hate Kel. Or even worse, let Zaldon have become totally indifferent to Kel, finding him not even worth hating. But, god, don't let Zaldon be dying! Not death! Anything but death!
Early that morning, Keeno had come bursting into Yuri and Enya's hut, and he awoke everyone with his yells. No one had seen Keeno or Kilyan since the night before when the one chased the other into the streets, so no one had known about their plan with Ceara to trick Zaldon into opening the door. Everyone rushed into the front room, and Kel remembered how his heart stopped when Keeno told his sleepy family that Zaldon was seriously ill. Kilyan had stayed behind with Ceara to look after the old sorcerer, who they had managed with Julyan's help to carry to bed.
Kel remembered Yuri's reaction. She had stood as one slapped. There was disappointment in her face too, as if - just as Kel had suspected - she had seen this coming. But her face creased with determination, and taking up her staff, she had marched to Zaldon's to take a look at her father. Enya had gone with her wife, looking strained and pale, and Keeno had escorted them both.
Kel hadn't been able to move. He'd just stood at the bottom of the stairs like one numb. He remembered Aliona taking his paw, Aliona squeezing his fingers, and the thick sound of her voice as she held back tears. She said some words to him, and he remembered how Wynn came to her grandmother's side and enfolded her. Wynn then guided her grandmother out the door. Inden remained. He asked Kel something. Kel had stood unseeing, unable to answer. So Inden left too, and Kel was left alone with the vixen.
Nontikmah lay still beside the fire, which had been built up a little stronger that chilly morning by Yuri. She had the sheets pulled to her bosom as before, and she looked so frail and tired, so drained - as dry and dull as a corpse already. Over the course of only a few days, the fullness had sunken from her face and body. She was as skeletal as a mummy now. It was horrifying to see.
Kel looked at the witch and was startled to realize her blue gaze was fixed upon him. The blue eyes peered from her face like large gleaming gems in the gloom. She looked so sorry for him, as if she had known him any number of years. Kel turned away as he suddenly remembered: she could see into his heart. She knew what he was going through, the terrible loss he was surely about to suffer. He felt violated, his thoughts molested by her unintentional prying. With a stiff back, he had gone heavily up the stairs, and it was there in the privacy of one of the guestrooms that he wept until he fell asleep.
Present-day Kel awoke some hours later in the dark. He lay there blinking, his nose silently taking in the air. No one had returned. He could tell that Aliona had come and gone, probably to check on him and the vixen. Kilyan had been there too. But no one was there now. No one but him and . . . Kel sniffed again. Yes, Nontikmah was still downstairs.
Why don't you talk to me? came the vixen's voice into Kel's woeful mind. Misery likes company. Isn't that how the saying goes?
"I don't want to talk about it!" Kel said aloud. He punched his pillow in a sudden rush of anger. He was more angry than anything else: that Zaldon had kept this to himself, that he had pushed him and Aliona away, that there was nothing he could do to help, and perhaps most of all, that his lover was dying in the first place. What was the point in talking? Talking wasn't going to stop death's shadow from looming over Zaldon's bed!
Because I feel your anger and pain like smoke thick upon the air, was Nontikmah's telepathic answer. Out loud she sounded so weak, her voice cracked and she coughed often. But when speaking into Kel's mind, her voice was soothing and sweet and lovely on the ears. Hearing her voice was like being kissed. And if she sounded like that just when she spoke, Kel wondered what her singing voice was like.
Ask Melomiel, Nontikmah answered. I never sang so beautifully as the moment when I took his life. I sang his favorite song to sooth him into death's waiting arms. And I was so angry when it happened, when I realized what it really meant to be a fox. You see, there are no real choices when you take on this form. The rest of the world, it comes first. And what you want matters very little. There was nothing I wanted more than to see my child grow day by day. Laugh and smile and run and play. But he was born to the fox kingdom, and the fox kingdom dictated that he could never be. Not unless he killed his own brother. So I killed him.
You feel the same way, don't you? You feel as if you killed Zaldon because every time you twisted the ring on your finger, it widened the hole eating away at his body. But, Kel, how could you have known that in loving Zaldon, you would bring about his death? And how could I have known that in loving Kilyan, I would wind up like this? Our pain is one and the same. The only difference here is . . . I can take yours away.
Lying in bed upstairs, Kel's heart skipped a beat. He sat up quickly, and his ears pricked forward as he waited for Nontikmah to continue. But the witch spoke not a word. All right, I'll take the bait, Kel thought and climbed out of bed. Still listening for Nontikmah to explain, he moved down the stairs and came slowly into the front room to find Nontikmah's eyes fixed expectantly upon the spot where he finally stopped to regard her. She still spoke not a word, but her lips were twisted in a small smile.
"You can help?" Kel asked.
Nontikmah's smiled widened.
"How?"