FSE

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"Kate! Hey sleepyhead. It's over. We gotta go." Katherine raised her head from the desk and tiredly looked up to her friend. "Huh?" she finally managed to say, receiving a frown as a reply. "I just can't understand," Lisa started complaining, "why you don't take this seriously. Only three weeks until our exams, but you prefer to sleep through lectures." "I wasn't. I focussed on the important points, and... skipped over the rest." "Technically that counts as-" "Ok ok. Maybe I was asleep. But really, how can you not be?" she interrupted Lisa and gathered her stuff.

Just a year ago when she had started university it was exiting. New friends, parties and no pressure whatsoever. Everyone made it through the first semester (except for some hopeless cases, but they didn't count). But this drastically changed over the course of the last month with the upcoming exams. The cranky husky girl liked her flat-mate, but sometimes she was way to serious about everything. Learn this, practice that... A more reasonable version of herself would definitely have agreed, but there was plenty of time left. Whatever today's topic was, Lis would it explain to her later anyway, so why bother with the boring instructor? It all sounded the same anyway. Every single lesson involved a lot of complicated formulas that later would simply boil down to a few cryptic sentences. Similarly complicated, but at least not a whole page of text.

As they left the stifling auditorium she asked her friend, "Wanna come over to Dustin? He has this awesome new pickup and invited a few friends to a ride. You don't even have to drink anything." "Nah, I'll have to pass. As you hopefully remember both of us, this includes you, have calculus homework until tomorrow. I have to finish this before our meeting, the literature club I told you about," the shorthair cat, sandy colored fur, teal eyes with a little golden edge around the pupil, replied apologeticly. But Kate wouldn't let her off it that easily and nagged,"One day. One day I will get you there and then you will regret every single moment you missed." "And one day you will grow up," Lisa smiled, "But hurry, before Dustin starts missing you." Kate gave her an insulted look, but said goodbye and on her way she was.

Back in their shared room, Lisa finally began to work. Though being exhausted from the lectures, it had to be done. Hours of calculations passed, either scribbled on paper or half-heartedly punched into her computer. Being on an elite university surely had its benefits, but an easy life was definitely not one of them. But after a few minor personal crises, it was done. With a feeling of relief she pressed save for a final time... and smelled something burn, right before the screen flickered and went dark. While the ventilation slowly stopped she could only stare at the blank display. With a stunned look she tried to boot it up again, but it remained silent.

As if she knew what had happened, her room mate finally returned. Kate came closer and greeted her with a friendly "What the hell are you doing there?", a slight scent of alcohol mixed with her notebooks last breath, "I mean... you look productive, with all these notes, but isn't this thing supposed to be on?" "Oh really?" Lisa blustered. Eventually her friend started to realize, possibly because of the small trail of smoke rising from the keyboard. "Oh.... Oh that's bad. Doesn't have this thing warranty or something?" "Not any more. Wouldn't bring back it back anyway. There is basically everything on there. If this wouldn't be bad enough, I've spent the last few hours on this stupid homework, which conveniently is also gone." she frustratedly said, "have you even taken a look at it?" "Nope," her friend replied jolly, "that's the only reason I had such a great evening. You really should have seen-"

She suddenly stopped at Lisa's piercing glance. "Right. Sorry. My bad. How can we fix this..." After an uncomfortable silence Lis started unconfidently, "I mean... I know someone, but... Nah, this isn't a good idea really." "Who is it?" "No, no, this definitely is a bad idea." Kate gave her a telling look, a promise to keep asking, until she got her answer. "Remember the guy I told you about? IT whatever? From the course? Our neighbour?" "He is out neighbour?" "Three rooms next to us, " Lisa sighed exhaustedly.

Unlike her friend, who enthusiastically headed for the door, "What are we still doing here then? Computers can't fix themselves, but he can." As she was clearly not in the right mind, her friend tried to stop her. "It's 10PM. Come back, you're drunk, "Lisa called after her, but it was too late. As she caught up, the Husky was half way there. "You can't just go and-" "No normal being sleeps at this time of day." Before she could stop her, her friend knocked on the door. She desperately whispered, "But he isn't normal. Trust me. You-"

The door opened and she could get a peek inside. Or at least what was lit up by a set of monitors and a dim desk light. A slender Australian shepherd mix emerged from the half light, slightly smaller in size yet energetic in his appearance.

Without even looking he started, "What's so hard to understand about..." He looked up and stopped surprised, then mumbled embarrassed, "Oh, sorry. I've mistaken you for... doesn't matter anyway. What is it?" Lisa gave her friend a little 'told you'-look. Either Kate missed it or ignored her straight away, because she smiled widely and asked, "Hi, my friend here", making an alcoholicly broad gesture towards named one, "burnt down her laptop. And you know how to fix it. Because that's what you study, right? Tech-things and... stuff." After he recovered from his bemusement he slowly replied, "Sort of... Technically that's just a small portion they don't even cover nearly detailed enough here but... Yeah." "Amazing. So you can help us?" "Probably, I guess? But is this really too urgent for tomorrow? "Not caring for his protest she took his arm and was about to pull him back to their room before he pulled back and commented angrily, that he would at least need his equipment. Lisa made the probably thousandth mental note to never let Kate close to alcohol ever again.

But as they were finally on their way back, Kell asked her, "Didn't we meet a week ago? The session about the application of analytical algorithms in managed structures?" "Don't mention that, she is sensitive about that topic,"Kate giggled, earning another annoyed stare. As he carefully entered their room, he looked around and after a bit of uncertainty he found his patient. "It doesn't look that bad actually,"he commented, "May I?" He gave Lisa an asking and slightly sympathetic look as he hadn't missed her huff towards Kate.

But she nodded and he began loosen the screws of her laptop, the husky-girl watching every move with a strange interest although she was as clueless as her friend. It just took him a few minutes to confirm the obvious. "Ok, I might have been wrong. It is bad,"Kell concluded," Most of it is still intact, but a few larger components are fried beyond repair. Hard to replace, not sure if it's even worth a try. The only good news is, that your hard-drive looks fine. Just plug it into a backup PC and it should be running." "And why all of this?" Kate asked absently. "Dunno. Mistake during assembly, a splash of water on the keyboard, really could be anything." he chuckled at something.

"But this happened days ago!" Kate suddenly yelled. As she saw her feline friend's questioning look she continued on a more adequate volume, "You were late, I wanted to look through your notes, your laptop was still on and there might have been a little accident... But that can't be the cause, right?" "Might take a little longer to sink in the right places if not dried properly," Kell said. "I needed a new one anyway..." Lisa sighed before turning to Kell again. "I don't have a PC actually. Any alternatives?" "No problem. You can use mine to copy it into the cloud. Then you can at least access your files from the university work stations."

On the way back to him, this time they left the drunk Husky behind, she commented shyly, "Sorry for the sudden assault tonight. Sometimes she simply does not know when to stop." "Don't worry. There are worse ways to spend the evening. Overall she seems nice. What did she mean with 'sensitive about that topic' by the way? Is there something I need to know?" "It's nothing. Just her being her." Rescuing the data was easier than expected, yet it took about an hour to get distracted in a passionate discussion.

But finally it was done and time to part. "Once you have a new one, I can help you get everything back where it belongs if you don't feel like going through this on your own," he offered, which she gratefully accepted before heading back. "Still alive?" Kate greeted her tiredly. Already in her pyjama she barely managed to stay awake. "This might surprise you, but yes, apparently." "Told you it would be a good idea..."Kate started, but Lisa interrupted her jokingly, "Like pouring water into my laptop? You really owe me something now, you know?" "Always. Revisiting the topic homework..." "It's not a good idea while you're in this condition. Tomorrow we'll still have time to save you. Not much, but enough.

For the next days as the fear of upcoming tests swept through the students, they started seeing Kell more often: either somewhere in the audience of the few lectures they shared, on the campus or on the hallway to their rooms, like he just had magically appeared, as Katherine commented. No one could tell how it happened, but at some point they formed a learning group. Practising together proved to be way more productive than the former "one brain, one distraction" setup. The Australian shepherd often had a different view on topics and while he sometimes shot off in the completely wrong direction and it took several minutes to find the mistakes, preparation generally became easier and more exciting and as the exams arrived, all three made it with more or less success

"Can't believe I passed!" Kate exclaimed after the results arrived. Lisa looked over to her, but was less excited about the outcome, "this was close. I'm happy or you, but... I'm afraid, this might not be enough next time." "Close is good enough. At least I didn't end up like Dustin. But I will miss him." "He definitely shouldn't be the benchmark." Suddenly Kate started laughing loudly, her fangs glistening in the sun. As they drew the attention of some unsettled students, Lisa asked nervously, "what's so funny?" She didn't like the looks at all. "Nothing. I just had to imagine his parents. They invested so much in his education and now he has to explain them. Poor guy." Once she had calmed down, Kate asked, "by the way, do you have plans for holiday already?" "Not really. Heading home probably." "Yeah... my family expects me too, but maybe you could come with me. Bit of celebration, first year done and everything.... You could stay for the weekend or so. If we leave tonight, we are there in no time. It's Gonna be so awesome!"

Lisa was baffled at first, but agreed, "Sure. If this is alright for your parents. I'd love to, but maybe you should tell them first?" "Of course. But a bit of spontaneity has never hurt anyone, right? Anyway, gotta go. Important meeting down-town. See you later!" And off she was. But later when Lisa arrived back in dorm, Kate had already left, most of her stuff was gone. Suddenly a message arrived on her phone: "Had to go alone. Important stuff. So sorry it didn't work out this time." But her following questions remained unread. And when she visited Kell he didn't know anything either, "She was in a bit of a hurry, but you know her. Always on the go." She still wasn't convinced, but unable to reach her friend it was nothing more than pointless speculation.

The holidays passed way too quickly and seeing the trusty apartment again felt like she had never left. It just took a few uneventful days until everything was back to normal. Except for one thing. Kate didn't seem to have returned entirely. Sure, she was lazy and eccentric as always. There was no single day without vivid complains about university. Yet some part of her was missing. One afternoon, Lisa would find her just sitting in her room for hours, lost in though, even absent and when Lisa joked about her sparking enthusiasm she barely reacted. Her claims to be fine and the sarcastic comments about the exaggerated care weren't convincing either.

One day Kell caught her on the hallway where she just had finished an apparently stressful call and when he approached she startled from his steps. "Why so jumpy?" he asked, "Bad news?" "No, just my mom calling, Nothing special."she replied, barely able to hide the frazzled sound in her voice. "Sure about that?" he continued sceptically. Her sudden reaction caught him off guard, "What on earth is your problem? You all are so concerned 'bout me!"she yelled across the corridor, "Can't you just leave me alone? I'm fine. Jeez, you two are like a... swarm of parents giving me not a single free minute!" "I'm just concerned. We... If you need someone to talk, just... let me help, alright?" he placatingly relied, but only received a devastating frown before she theatrically turned around and headed for her apartment, "Have a good day sir, but I am definitely not interested in your fucking game you're playing here!"

"You know, I usually wouldn't care if you tell me. But your arrogant ignorance makes it hard not to. Have you spoken to Lis? Do you actually know what you are doing to her? I don't care what you've been through. I don't care what problems you have. Play the princess where ever you want, I - don't - care. But at least have the decency to not let others pay the price for your nullity." He stopped, silence flooding the hallway as Kate stood still in the door frame, only giving him a desperate look. He had definitely crossed a line here. Without intention he had gone too far, overwhelmed by the growing frustration, but it was too late. "I-" he carefully began, only to be interrupted by the reverb of the door fiercely slammed into the frame.

For the next few days Katherine would avoid him and even her flat-mate barely saw her any more. Sometimes just the locked entrance to her room indicated her presence.

Until she eventually knocked on the Australian shepherd's door, her terrible condition sorely reminded him of his fault. The obvious sleep-deprivation and stress had reduced her to a fraction of her former self. "Hi,"she weakly smiled. After a moment of paralysis he stepped closer and embraced her firmly, ignoring the imprints left from the silvery tears in her fur. "I am so sorry. I had no right to... It just kinda..." he stammered before she interrupted him. "If you want to apologise, at least give me some room to breathe," she demanded harshly, but with a certain relief he noticed. As he let go she continued, "May I come in for a second? I mean... I don't want to disturb you. Just if you... have a moment?"

"Of course. Sure. Let me just finish this, "he replied hastily before stepping over to his computer and hitting a few keys. It replied with an error sound and shut itself down, much to his displeasure. "I can also come back later if you want, "Katherine offered unconfidently, but he refused. "It's nothing I can't fix later. Take a seat." He lead her to a small couch and sat down next to her. "You look awful. Who let you outside like this?" the smaller dog joked but then turned serious again and carefully asked, "How do you feel?" It took her a moment to reply, "Fine... sort of. What you said there was... rude and heartless." "I'm so sorry for that..." "But I think it helped for some reason. You probably have your own problems and I don't want to burden you, but..." she made a long break, "Do you still want to know, what happened?" "As long as you're comfortable about it."

With the necessary reassurance she shakily started explaining, leaving out no detail about her parents, the problems, the arguments, the upcoming divorce. At first it felt weird, but step by step it became easier. But with the memories also came the feelings. Kell was a good listener, but sometimes it might just have been his inability to cope with the situation. "I should have been there! I should be there right now!" she finally exclaimed, "What am I even doing here... It's my fault after all, but instead I hide here and... make a drama in front of you while my whole world is collapsing. As if this would fix anything."

He gently took her paw and asked, "Your fault? Why would that be?" "Have you even listened? I stole, I drank, I lied... and every single time they would have to fix it. I tore my family apart." "These few times? Definitely not. Judging from what you've told me, you are the most wonderful thing that happened to them. Of course, it wasn't always easy, but what actually is? You are the very reason they made it so far." "And then I failed them." "No. You lived your life. That's what they wanted for you." "I'm not so sure I want this anymore. What do you even know about it? It's not like you are suffering particularly right now." He suddenly lowered his voice, a cold undertone sinking into his soft voice, "You should know better than to judge from the outside. There often is more to others than the obvious..."

Noticing her questioning look he continued, "My older brother. When I was younger, he made mistakes, met the wrong friends and when my parents found out it was too late. After he had returned from prison nothing was the same. So one day he just packed his stuff and left, never to be seen again. He was not exactly my idol, but I loved him and to lose him so suddenly was... hard. I had a mental breakdown, my parents unable to help. They had enough trouble themselves. It took me over a year to recover and once I had left for university, they moved to another place to start afresh. Life has to move on and even if this means, that I rarely visit them, I take it."

He had remained completely calm and although Kate noticed a little sorrow at the end, it was a little unsettling how clinical his depictions were. He looked at her and chuckled,"Oh god, this probably didn't exactly help, huh?" She averted her look and fell into silence. "What is it?" he asked. "Do you hate them?" "What do you mean?" "Do you hate them for what happened? You tell me the worst time of your life like a... little story, some meaningless anecdote. Do you care so little about them, about you?" She almost sounded shocked, even backing off a little.

Kell took his time and finally replied, "You're getting me wrong here. I hate what happened. I hate me for so many things back then. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I started suppressing it. It worked, but each unpleasant experience, each destructive idea took a part of me with it. And finally, there was not much left to cure. That's the real issue. Forget the memories, forget the actual events. What really drowns you is the persistent imagination of what you could have done."

After a while he continued, "I didn't tell you to feel sorry. I am glad for your sympathy, but this was over a long time ago for me. So believe me when I say, that I have an idea of what you are going through. I am most certainly no role model. Far from it. Just know that I will help you where I possibly can." "Our wonderful little support group, "she smiled. "Now you're making fun of me," he laughed. "Just... promise me one thing, ok?" Katherine asked with a sudden seriousness, "Keep all of this our secret. Especially from Lis. It's not like I couldn't trust my friends, but... they don't necessarily need to know everything." "Of course. Even without you asking." "Thank you."

"Are you gonna tell her any time though?" he continued. It was a simple question, but the answer was a long time coming. Finally she replied, "I actually won't." Kell wanted to complain, but she stopped him in his tracks, "I know, I know, you have a totally different opinion about this, I get it, but please cut that therapy-shit for a moment. I'm grateful for what you've done. But just let me do this my way, ok?" "Ok. Just know what you are doing." They continued their conversation for a little longer, but as it turned late, they decided to call it a day.

The next day Lisa immediately noticed the change in her friend and as she slowly developed back to normal, her worries started diminishing, maybe only because she didn't knew the full picture. Meetings with Kell became regular as the conflict between Kate's parents was far from over, but as long as it helped, Kell was fine with it. Although he didn't like the secrecy, it wasn't his decision and soon he got used to it. It was a future problem and there were other things to worry about. Time passes and all we can do is to keep moving. Only hope that what you left behind will never catch up again.

---

Hi,

I'm glad you made it down here. As you might have noticed, some parts of the story are a little bit more... meaningful than others. I did my best to paint a fitting picture, but as this is literature, it's nearly impossible to represent reality accurately while composing a more or less coherent story. So take it seriously, but don't nail me down to something up there. And though some of it has a more personal meaning to me than other sections, life's often complicated and if it get's down to business, this clearly is not the right place to look for solutions and/or mistakes. Hope you enjoyed what you read, I just didn't want to put this up front, cause I might be over-interpret this a little bit. Would be a little bad advertising, don't you think?

Hope to see you around again,

bye