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I had this dream once... I was walking on a deserted country road while I was surrounded by grasslands as far as the eye could see. No hills, no trees, nothing for hundreds of kilometres. The heavy rain was pouring down as the grey clouds were slowly moving above. My clothes were soaked and I felt so cold as I followed the small dirt road, not knowing where it was leading. Each and every time I looked back, it made me feel as if I wasn't moving at all. As if I kept walking around in circles. I didn't know for sure because the landscape didn't change. And at some point, I reached an intersection. There was a wooden pole with signposts attached to them but they were blank. No designations were written on those signposts... So I sat down with my back leaning against the pole, curled up and held myself, crying my eyes out for a long period of time... And then all of a sudden, I felt the rain stopped pouring on me while I could still hear it coming down... And when I looked up, there was this girl standing next to me with an umbrella, smiling at me... She was absolutely the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... I didn't know what species she was... She reached out a hand to me while she kept that beautiful angelic smile... She kept her patience when I was hesitating... But her angelic smile never disappeared... So I took her hand and she helped me getting up... And once I got on my feet, she firmly held on to my hand... We didn't go left or right at the intersection... We took the most obvious path we could follow... We went straight ahead and didn't look back...

Dreams can tell you many things. It can show you the things you desire the most or show the things you fear the most. And sometimes, dreams aren't meant to be taken literally. My grandmother once told me that dreams are messages from our ancestors. They tell us tales and guide us. Seeing as I remember I had a lot of dreams in that period of my life made me believe they were quite the chatterbox... Some things were perfectly clear. But most things kept me wondering. And that's exactly my problem. I think about things too much. And each time I remembered a dream, I thought about it. And ever since I was young, I was curious. The how, the why... It's not healthy for a young cub to think about things she shouldn't be thinking of at such a young age... But I guess the life I led and all of those experiences I've been through made me think about life too much sometimes. And even though I never had the answer to any of my questions, I kept thinking about it. Even today, I still do...

When a woman is pregnant, she is expecting a little cub. But what can the little cub expect? Will it be able to live a care free life and find happiness? To be surrounded by those who love and care for it the most? I often thought of these questions at night, wondering what my place is in life and if I could really make a difference to someone's life. To find something stable and to build on from that to make it unbreakable so that no one can ever come between it... So that no one can ever take that away from me... But how the hell was I supposed to accomplish that if I closed myself down towards everyone...? I started to think that I wasn't meant to be together with someone even though I didn't want to stay lonely... So I had to change the way I was living. And maybe... Maybe I had to open myself up just a little against other people, no matter how difficult it seemed to be... To lead someone in my life with little baby steps at a time if I ever wanted to be happy... I wasn't intending to be a closed door anymore if anyone came by and knocked on it... I wanted to answer the door, knowing I had a chained door lock to protect me if anyone tried to barge in...

The reason why I asked myself these questions is because people might've considered me to be indifferent. And maybe I really was at that age now that I look back. What I did to Blain, Samantha and Simon in the past is just one of many examples. But after everything I've been through, how was I supposed to love and care for someone? And after Sarah broke up with me, that feeling only became worse. It made me realize that I wasn't meant to be with someone. I was there for a reason except I didn't know. Is it really possible for someone to make such a huge difference to someone else's life? I saw young couples everywhere and they made everything look so simple. I missed those sincere gestures of affection that were real... Simon and Catherine and every other family member showed me love and affection but that wasn't the kind of affection I was looking for. I wanted to be with someone, to have someone of my own to share my life with. To be able to kiss someone and know that everything is real. I learned at a young age that sex is the key to affection. Maybe for some people but not for me... I have my pride and dignity... It's just so sad to realize that I found out years later that it's not. After everything that happened, it didn't surprise me why I was so cold against people. It was to keep people at a distance... But not everyone is like that... I knew that and yet it was difficult to accept that. But then something happened to me at the age of seventeen... It caused me to look at life differently...

I've seen how lives ended. I've seen death more than anyone ever should. But I never saw how a life started... My aunt Isabelle was pregnant at the time from her first kitten. The day she told the news that she was pregnant was overwhelming... I never saw anyone so happy in my life before... My grandmother was so happy and when she hugged aunt Isabelle, the tears were rolling down her cheeks of happiness... She tried to get a little kitten for so long with uncle Colin and now they were expecting one... They were counting down the days, waiting... My grandmother, aunt Isabelle, Catherine and every other aunt sat around the table, discussing names for the little one and shared tales of all the joys of having a little kitten, something that Catherine couldn't really relate to. I often listened from a distance but never sat with them. It made me feel as if it wasn't any of my business. But still... To see aunt Isabelle so happy made me feel so happy for her... And I even caught aunt Isabelle in front of a mirror with her belly exposed, gently caressing it... Whispering to her little kitten of how happy she was that it was on its way... As the months passed by, it was clear that she was expecting a little girl... All those hours sitting around the table weren't for nothing... Her name was going to be Ashley Taylor Jaisyaram...

Ashley came to this world on the twenty-seventh of September in the year 2004 at eleven fifty-eight PM... Two minutes before midnight... When I heard the news of the arrival of my newborn cousin felt kind of weird... Babies are fat and they cry and they smell and make a lot of noise and are expansive... Riding the bus up and down caused me to have this preconceived opinion about babies... I didn't know what I had to expect when we first visited... The whole family was downstairs with uncle Colin while aunt Isabelle was upstairs in bed with her little kitten... Everyone went up the stairs in pairs of two to see our newborn relative. And everyone saw her, except for me. While everyone was talking to uncle Colin, they had a couple of laughs and were talking about all sorts of things. I wasn't. I sat in the living room on the couch alone while my cousin Laura, Joshua and Nathan were playing outside. I was more interested in the drinks and the bowl of crisps and peanuts on the table in front of me... And while I was stuffing my face, my grandmother sat next to me.

'Have you seen her, kitten?'

'Hm? Oh! No, I haven't yet.'

'Oh, Ashley looks so beautiful, Ceylan... I feel so proud of aunt Isabelle and so happy that she finally has a little kitten...'

Hehe...'

'Would you like to see her?'

'Yes of course but I'm not very good with children, nana...'

'Oh, that's a load of rubbish. What makes you say that, dear?'

'Because last week, some kid was staring at me so I smiled and he started to cry his eyes out.'

'Hm...'

'So, uh... Yeah. I think my canines scared the shit out of him.'

'Language, kitten... Such language isn't suitable for a young lady...'

'Oh, sorry. Uh... Heh.'

'You seem to get along well with Laura, Joshua and Nathan.'

'Yeah but that's different. They are my cousins.'

'And so is Ashley...' Grandma said with a smile... Her logic is so simple and undeniable in everything that got brought up. Well, most of the time it is. I haven't given much thought on that answer. But still... Ashley's my cousin. I looked at my grandmother and saw how she had that gentle calm smile on her wrinkled face... So I took her hand and we made our way upstairs to aunt Isabelle...

The door was open yet it felt kinda creepy. I had no idea what to expect. But when my grandmother and I entered her bedroom, aunt Isabelle was holding Ashley close to her chest on her arm... When I moved closer, my heart skipped a beat... What I saw that day was so beautiful to see... My eyes were fixated on little Ashley... I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her... And of course, I congratulated and hugged aunt Isabelle but... Ashley was the only reason I was there that day... She has a white belly and grey fur with black stripes and markings all over her back... She had these tiny little feet and hands and ears and tail... She was so beautiful and so adorable to see... So fluffy...So fragile... And my heart just melted away when I saw her... And when I looked up, I noticed my grandmother and aunt Isabelle smiling at me...

'Oh my gosh, she's so adorable...'

'All kittens are, sweetheart...'

'She can't open her eyes yet...?'

'She'll be able to open them up in about a week.'

'Wow...'

I reached my hand out to her tiny little muzzle and gently caressed her soft fluffy cheeks... And when I did, she let out a quiet meow... My fingers reached down to her tiny little hand as her tail curled around my arm... Her tail was so tiny that it only covered half of my wrist...

'Would you like to hold her?'

'Can I...?'

'Yes, of course.'

Very gently, aunt Isabelle sat upright as I prepared myself to hold the most adorable little fluff of fur I've ever seen. And then she gently handed her over to me... And well, I was very nervous... What if I dropped her to the floor or something? But luckily, everything went just fine when I held her... My grandmother told me to support her head on my upper arm... And when I held Ashley like that, my heart skipped a beat once more... She is just so fragile and tiny... I touched her tiny little feet and hands and gently rubbed my finger over her forehead... And when I held her like that, I realized that what I felt was the love growing for her... This is the purest and most innocent a living being can be and it was just so beautiful to see... Thieves and murderers aren't born to be but are made by their experiences and the people around them... She's my little cousin but to me, it felt as if she was my little sister the day that I met her... I can honestly not describe what I felt that day... All I know was that I had unconditional love for her 'till the end of times...

The birth of Ashley was a milestone in my life. The day that I first held her, made me feel responsible for her. But it also got me thinking. I was once like that. And yet no one is able to tell me what it was like when they first held me in their arms. No one has pictures or memories of me when I was a little baby. And I can't remember it... I can't remember anything... But the few things I do remember is something I cherish for eternity... It doesn't have to be like this for Ashley... I held her and I know what I saw and felt that day. And I knew I would be able to tell her what she was like when she was a baby... I consider her as my little sister... And it made me believe that someone can indeed make a difference to someone else's life...

About a week later on a Saturday morning, I woke up by a strange noise I've never heard before in this house. It sounded like a shrieking... something... I couldn't place it and I didn't worry about it too much so I turned over in my bed and tried to sleep again. But the shrieking sound didn't stop. It had some pauses before it continued again and I had no idea what it was. I figured now that I was awake and couldn't sleep anymore to get up. So I did and got dressed, brushed my teeth and did my hair. And when I got downstairs, I found out what the shrieking annoying sound was. I saw a bird cage near the window, containing a green budgie... And then Catherine came back with plastic feeders containing water and seed...

'Ah! You're awake!'

'Yeah, no thanks to that thing over there... What's it doing here anyway?'

'Mrs. Finley isn't able to take care of him anymore and asked if we could provide a good home for him.'

'Cool, you brought me a little snack, then.'

'Ceylan...'

'Well, if it keeps shrieking like that, I can't be held responsible for my actions.'

'He just needs to settle in, that's all. Everything is new for him.'

'Hm... What's his name?'

'Rocko.'

'She named the bird after a cartoon?'

'Cartoon?'

'Never mind...'

At that moment, the telephone went and seeing as Catherine was standing near it, she answered it. That is, after she gave me the plastic feeders with water and seed and told me to put in the cage. And while Catherine was blabbering on the phone, I approached Rocko's cage and opened the little door. To my surprise, he didn't went ape shit when my hand entered the cage to attach the plastic feeder containing water. He was just sitting on the highest perch, watching my every move. He didn't seem to be terrified... I moved my head closer to the cage and exposed my teeth in an attempt to scare the shit out of him for waking me up. But the little bastard came closer instead and looked at my teeth. As if he was curious or something... So I removed my hand and placed the feeder containing food on the other side of his cage. But Rocko noticed the food and climbed down fast. And all of a sudden, he was on my hand, patiently waiting for me to place his food where it belongs. When I attached the feeder to the cage, he took a couple of nibbles but stayed put. He didn't get off my hand... "You little bastard..." And even when I removed my hand out of the cage, he stayed put... I lowered my hand in an attempt to get him back in his cage but instead, he walked up my arm, waggling with these little feet, gently pecking my fur each time he stopped. He reached my shoulder at some point and when I turned my head, he gently started to peck my muzzle. And it kinda tickled... Then Rocko started to nibble my hair and walked around my shoulder. He just looked at me and all of a sudden, he started to bop his head up and down violently as if he was head banging or something... When I reached out a finger to him, he jumped on it without hesitation and I held him close to my face to examine him... His black little eyes were just staring at me as if he was trying to say "you know you love me." Rocko's little paws felt so warm and his little bright yellow head with black and dark blue spots on both of his cheeks looked so curious at me. Budgies seem to be interested in bright colors and seeing as I'm orange, black, white and beige might explain why he was so interested in me. All of a sudden, he jumped on my muzzle and turned around as his tail poked my eye. Rocko gently started to peck my nose and when he turned around, he walked on my muzzle and gently pecked between my eyes... As if he wanted to say that he loved me... And at that moment, I really had a weak spot for him... Especially when he was fondling my hair and gently pecked between my eyes... As if he gave me a little kiss... And then I thought he wasn't so bad... He's just downright adorable... Right that very second, he jumped off my muzzle and flew back to his cage where he started to eat again. I felt something warm on my muzzle and heard Catherine snickering quietly when she stood next to me and took a good look at my face...

'He just pooped on your muzzle.'

"Oh, you little fucker..."