Rudolph has Issues I
#1 of Rudolph has Issues
Author's note: wasn't entirely sure how to classify this story, for reasons that will become obvious below. It's not your typical "What's my sexual orientation" story.
Rudolph has Issues I
Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer was worried as he walked through a cold night illuminated by the moon. The ground was covered in a thick blanket of show and he was surrounded by pine tress. Specifically about his sexual orientation. Every time his penis had any kind of twitch no matter how small while a buck was nearby he would worry. Not like the "Oh my God I'm gay!" or "Am I gay?!" type of concern. He would just think quietly, his face tightened with concern. It certainly didn't help that he was never sure. There were always does around and he frequently fantasized about both genders rather casually. The only difference was he never really got hard thinking about bucks. Sure his penis would twitch slightly at times but it softened fast. He really didn't see much point in even talking to other bucks. What's the point? Rudolph thought. Why befriend someone you can't rut? The young buck was actually terrified of other males, always latently worried they'd hurt him someday. He simply didn't understand his own gender. For most of his adult life he hadn't really befriended any bucks, being a loner. And Rudolph certainly didn't feel any longing need to be with them either. Sure the slender buck could talk to them just fine but he didn't get them. Unfortunately in spite of the fact Rudolph had many qualities that appealed to does, he never got a chance to actually act on his desire.
He'd never even touched a doe, and that hurt him. It had gotten so bad that he had suppressed his sex drive almost completely. After all, when he had been younger(from the human equivalent of 15 to 20 age-wise) he'd been oversexed. A typical buck, but he came across horribly then to does. He was just too horny and sex-obsessed back then. In frustration Rudolph shunned the idea of mating with a doe anytime soon, and the mere memories tormented him. Rudolph decided to wait patiently and embraced asocial behavior. The red-nosed reindeer found an outlet for his needs via masturbation to the seedier materials that got distributed around the North Pole. At first he'd only given himself oral while reading about bucks banging does and especially does mating with other does. But eventually after a number of years the buck came to realize the stories were actually kinda painful to read. They reminded him of his own failures as a heterosexual, Rudolph's complete ineptness at it. He could not hit on does at all, no skill whatsoever. All Rudolph could be to these female reindeer was an acquaintance. And Rudolph had no time, constantly busy. Privately he knew these projects were just a way of avoiding any kind of meaningful relationship. Rudolph deliberately wiped his memory on a regular basis: he often couldn't remember the events of the previous hour except for what he needed to remember.
The cervine was a loner, happily independent and not tied down in any relationships like so many other bucks. Those bucks frequently got more trouble out of sex than they'd realize, Rudolph had seen the headlines. One reindeer after another breaking up after a miserable pairing and such. Rudolph thought them fools: getting into what they weren't ready for. He certainly wouldn't make that mistake. He'd practiced abstinence. But abstinence for him was a double-edged sword. Sure Rudolph had mastered passive sexuality and it had given him piece of mind for the most part...but his desire to live out his life-long dream remained. Rudolph dreamed of pairing up with a doe, starting a family, all that sort of thing. But that dream looked so hopeless to him. I have no chance of getting laid anytime soon, Rudolph thought. But how much longer can I wait? the tears started to well but he hide them. Very little could hurt Rudolph emotionally. 8 years of almost permanent de facto social isolation had killed off most of his negative feelings. For Rudolph knew it was an isolation by choice, he had only himself to blame and so he harbored little resentment. Except for the anger directed at himself. He rarely got angry, or sad, or jealous towards anyone even when they did him wrong (and that rarely happened). The reindeer had come to realize that anguish for him was inevitable, so he'd just accept the pain. He even kinda liked the chemical rush that came with the rare bouts of sorrow and rage he felt. The cervine knew when to vent and not suppress his pain when it was inappropriate to do so.
Truth was Rudolph used masturbation the way other bucks would snort those powders made from special candy canes or drink lots of fermented liquids. Self-pleasuring was the reindeer's drug that kept him going, as well as a very realist viewpoint. Rudolph felt a great deal of pride in surviving those eight years of pain. The world had not broken him! He'd made it because of self-reliance as well as aid from a number of kind reindeer. Oh who are you kidding Rudolph, he thought. Only reason you're so calm is because of those social anxiety meds you've been taking! he kinda resented the notion he needed any pills at all. But Rudolph recognized it was partly true. His permanent anxiety about everything now manifested itself in the form of questioning his sexual orientation. Surely he had be to bisexual, Rudolph told himself. He'd been masturbating to dirty stories about bucks doing other bucks (though it usually took the reindeer three hours to blow his load, whethers as the other stories could take a matter of minutes to an hour depending on how horny he was). Sure he'd never had any real sexual feelings towards male reindeer but it had to be an example of closeting, Rudolph thought. It'd be just like the stories.
He'd have a big realization that he liked bucks and then he'd have any the sex he'd wanted. Problem was: the sorta-hoped for outcome didn't happen as planned. Rudolph could masturbate to tales of bucks doing sexual things to each other but he never had an "I'm gay" or "I'm bi" moment. The red-nosed reindeer could pleasure himself to stories of males copulating all he wanted, but Rudolph still felt like his straight self afterwards. Rudolph could not accept this notion: he was a traditionalist. Or more accurately simplistic. A male reindeer masturbating to gay reindeer porn has to be gay or at least bisexual! He had to be bi! Hell Rudolph was kinda eager to be bisexual. He'd show that he could do anything he set his mind to. He'd be a brand new reindeer! Liberated from the shackles of heterosexuality, giving the oppressive straight world the finger! But it did not happen. Rudolph's much-hoped for "moment of truth I'm gay" moment did not happen. And that frustrated him. It meant that Rudolph's chances of getting any sexual satisfaction were almost impossible in his eyes. It made him angry.
Rudolph was eager to create the closet for himself to come out of and thus get all the sex he wanted. It was just....Rudolph never FELT bisexual. The much-hoped-for feelings towards bucks, the secret hidden gayness within him, none of that stuff that was supposed to happen did. For who knows how many years the sexually-frustrated reindeer remained impossibly straight. No matter how much gay porn he'd blow his load to. Rudolph signed, "I can't come out of a closet that doesn't exist for me. No sex for me then in that area either. I was so eager to convince myself I was gay so I could get laid. Can't screw does, then screw bucks instead."
Dasher emerged from out of shadows, "You can't create a false orientation for yourself Rudolph. You are who you've always been. Can't fit a square into a circle."
Rudolph turned to the unapologetically bisexual reindeer, "Ah but I'm jacking off to gay porn! I'm avoiding male reindeer because I'm secretly..."
Dasher cut him off, "You avoid male reindeer because you have no connection to them really and because you have the image of the violent macho buck stereotype in your head. You're so hopelessly asocial that you couldn't even go to a bar with a male reindeer let along have any kind of meaningful relationship with one."
Rudolph looked pained, "I self-pleasure myself looking at images of male bucks having sex with each other! I should have had a moment of truth by now!"
Dasher rolled his eyes, "I'm bisexual Rudolph. You're a straight. But your straightness to you is also a liability in your eyes. You think it denies you sex. You WANT to believe your bisexual or gay. Because part of you is so sexually-desperate that it would try to convince you an buck's anus is a doe's vagina."
Rudolph shouted at him, "I don't need sex!"
Dasher frowned, "Sex is overrated yes, but you really want a doe. Do you have feelings towards bucks? Do you really want to fuck one? Am I attractive Rudolph?"
Rudolph looked at him, "What?"
Dasher repeated himself, now with blatant sarcasm: "You're Mr. Out-Of-The-Closet now! So since you're Mr. Liberated Bisexual confess your secret love for me!"
Dasher laughed at him, "Admit it you can't confess your desire for me or any other buck because it DOESN'T EXIST!"
Rudolph tried desperately, "You are the most gorgeous buck out there. I want to spend my whole life with you!"
Then suddenly the young gagged as the fakeness of his "confession" hit him head on and he looked about to throw up, "Oh God no I most definitely DO NOT! You're got no breasts and your ass is all wrong! Way too many muscles and your voice is disgusting deep! I don't even want to be near such a muscled buck! You smell way too male.......no offense Dasher. I don't have anything against bisexuality. And I don't hate other bucks, I just don't see the point of spending much time with them."
Dasher burst out laughing, amusement mixed with sympathy: "Poor Rudolph: the straight reindeer who tried to convince himself he was into bucks! That's rich! What a song that would make! Look Rudolph, do you actually feel anything for me?"
Rudolph signed, "No. You are a male and I know it all too well. Your testosterone and pheromones are like acid to my arousal. I feel astonishingly repulsed by the idea of having sex with you, the thought of putting my cock inside you and blasting my gross sperm into your unclean ass. I'm sorry to be so blunt Dasher about that. I know you really love to screw bucks and I accept that. Nothing wrong with you or being bi. It's just gross to me. I have a real hard time with it psychologically and instinctively speaking. I really mean no offense, I just lost control there."
Dasher smiled slightly, "Your gross sperm? But Rudolph you are a male. Never forget that."
Rudolph nodded, "I know, I know...it's just....I've never really had a chance to BE a straight male. To really feel male. I'm way too sensitive, soft-spoke, my eyes water a lot, I have no muscles, my face too beautiful....it's like torture to me. Why do I put up with this? I'm an embarrassing failure as a buck. I'm not male enough!"
Dasher shrugged his shoulders, "None of us are. You did it because you thought being like that would help you get a doe. You've got the right stuff Rudolph, all you have to do is act. Just remember sex isn't all its cut out to be."
Rudolph signed, "I'm such a pathetic bastard."
Dasher spoke up, "You are way too hard on yourself. You constantly demand impossible tasks on yourself and then berate yourself without mercy when you fail. The slightest sign of doing something wrong and you freak out. There is evil in all of us Rudolph."
Rudolph nodded, "I know Dasher. I've done my best to control my temper. I'm scarred by my past failures but I am not beaten yet. I'm still the playful buck I was in youth, still a goof-off. I just hide that too."
Dasher laughed softly, "It's your strength Rudolph. You are very good at creating shields against emotional pain, but you also hold your better nature in reserve as well. You call upon that goodness when need be, which is why you are an eternally young reindeer. At heart you never did grow up Rudolph."
Rudolph signed, "I don't hate you Dasher. You're my friend. And I don't want to hate anyone. I've been hurt so much that I can't stand the idea of ever being the bad guy. I don't want to be like those who tormented me because I couldn't fit in." Rudolph hid the fact that he had a great deal of suppressed but intense resentment towards Dasher due to perceived wrongs.
Dasher smirked, "Well it certainly helps that you don't have anyone to blame but yourself for most of your problems, so that's why you don't have a lot of externally-directed anger. Very few reindeer actually hurt you Rudolph, but that medication you were on before you switched it caused you to be quite paranoid for many years. Your formative ones. Eventually you caught on that the anxiety medication you were taking was not only making you worse emotionally but suicidal."
Rudolph spoke quietly, "I was suicidal for most of the days in those eight years. But I vowed not to give the world the satisfaction of me suddenly vanishing. I resolved to survive. It was my way of fighting back."
Rudolph suddenly laughed, "Oh what years those ones were Dasher! I wish I knew all the stuff I know now back then! I'm so much more experienced socially now it's amazing! In spite of everything that's happened to me, I'm still a nice buck."
Dasher paused, "You want to know why you jack off to bucks doing bucks? Because on the most basic level, you understand what they're going through sexual-sensation wise. What you do to your penis is the only sexual sensation you've ever know which is also why you love stories about oral sex the most. It's not an accident that the buck/buck stories you read all involve oral and yet you don't really get the bucks' interest in each other. You get why they're feeling good in their dicks but you don't understand their desire for each other. Never have and you never will. And you don't read the stories for anything but the sensation do you?"
Rudolph nodded, "It's porn isn't it? I don't picture them in my mind really, I just read through and pleasure myself as best I can. I actually try not to think much about what they're doing to each other, it kinda makes me ill if I do. And I've never really felt like an actual attraction towards the bucks involved either."
Dasher smiled, "Which is why it takes you forever to blow your load regarding all-male stories. Why you are so calm and collected. Why your masturbating is so relaxed and non-frenzied. And I know for a fact that you never get an hard-on to the buck/buck stories until your own mouth is actually on your cock. In other words, when you actually begin to perform oral on yourself."
Rudolph laughed, "Compared to the doe/buck stories or the doe/doe ones. I may not understand what they are going through as well sensation-wise since I'm very sexually inexperienced, but my desire is definitely present. It's almost wanton. I can't stop myself the way I can with buck/buck stories. With all-male stories I can stop any time I want, I don't feel any real compulsion to finish. By contrast, stories involving not involving buck-on-buck sex I'm always in a hurry, licking my cock as fast as I can. I couldn't stop if I tried. I simply have to finish, and I actively picture the images in my mind. Hell I can't even think clearly when I'm pleasuring myself then."
He turned to Dasher, "But it's not the real thing. I wanna a doe so badly! It actually hurts because I've suppressed my desire for them too well!"
Rudolph almost started to cry. "Haven't I done all the right things Dasher? Am I not the ideal buck for a doe? I'm nice, I'm not particularly selfish, reasonable, friendly, sociable, considerate, sensitive and I still have the desire and knowledge of sexual techniques."
Rudolph spoke out in sheer frustration, "So why can't I get laid?"
Dasher answered, "You're not trying hard enough. You can't just cruise through life and expect the does to come crawling to you. Rudolph you have to stop wallowing in self-pity. You say you want a doe Rudolph, then you're going to have to work at it. Get your affairs in order and make the time. Stop making all these excuses."
Rudolph signed, "You're right Dasher. I may masturbate to buck/buck stories but I just do it cause it's porn. I can jack off to a great deal of subjects just as long as it does its job. But my mind and my sex drive wants a doe to call my own. It's not an accident it takes me 3 hours to cum to buck/buck stories and as little as a few minutes for doe/doe ones."
Dasher laughed, "You see? You're straight. It's just that a part of you thinks you're bi, an smaller small part wants to convince you you are bi but it will always be false. Discard this irrational concern, it has no basis in fact. No matter how hard you try Rudolph you will never be into bucks. If you ever do fuck one it won't be because you really desired it or felt any kind of sexual or emotional longing. To you buck/buck sex would be a means to an end: to get an orgasm. And I seriously doubt you'd even try same-sex stuff of any kind, heh heh. The buck himself, for you, is little more than a sensation-creator, a substitute-vagina when the real thing won't suffice. I being bi as hell don't see it that way, but you do. Non-sexually speaking Rudolph bucks will always be nothing but friends to you and rarely if ever reindeer to bang for anything other than creating raw sensation in your penis. By contrast the doe is a fully-fledged creature: you want to do a lot more than just fuck her. You see her on all levels. You do want a meaningful relationship that goes way beyond friendship or even dating, you want a doe as your mate as long as you can. You feel both lust and love for them." The much stronger buck signed, "Rudolph, you'll never be bi. Only a small fraction of you is even considering sex with male reindeer at all and the rest of you rejects the inherent falseness behind your vain attempt to be what you are not. But if you ever need a reindeer to get off on, take me into consideration."
Rudolph shook his head, "Dasher that isn't fair to Prancer and you know it. He loves you and you love him."
Dasher nodded, "Don't worry I'm not abandoning Prancer. And if we do anything together it will be with his consent. This, Rudolph, is only a suggestion. I'm not proposing we date or anything. I'm just saying I'm willing to be your outlet for your raw sexual needs."
Rudolph signed, "You are male. I can't feel anything meaningful sexually or otherwise for you. The only thing I could get out of it would be..."
Dasher smiled, "A temporary way to satisfy your penis. A tongue is a tongue and a hand is a hand. You won't be sucking me off or anything like that."
Rudolph spoke up, "Exactly what is your idea?"
Dasher smiled slightly, "Simple. You fuck me in my ass, I suck you off. Both involve your cock getting stimulation. Sex on the most base and primitive level, raw sensation. Think of it as an extension of your buck-on-buck story masturbation sessions. Anything else is totally optional."
Rudolph frowned, "My penis is twitching."
Dasher shook his head, "Ugh! As I said before, it won't get erect. Until I go to work that is."
Rudolph hung his head, "I do need some form of release. I'm just so desperate."
Dasher turned around and started to walk off, his feet crunching in the snow, "I'm going to go calling around. See if I can find any potential does for you."
Rudolph smiled slightly, "Are you serious? You would do that for me?"
Dasher scoffed, "Duh. I may be a rampantly bisexual male reindeer but I'm not going to force you into anything. Ultimately you want a doe. In the meantime though, I can show you a few things that may help you out. If your cock needs it that is."
Rudolph felt his penis swell very slightly but it didn't rise and a few seconds later it shrunk again. He really wasn't that excited at all.
But Rudolph did think, "What the hell."
Dasher looked at Rudolph's limp member and only laughed. "Bisexual buck, my ass!" Dasher chuckled softly. Then he disappeared into the night leaving Rudolph alone with his thoughts.....