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I've came here many times... Every third Friday of the month, at seven PM, they were there at the Blackbriar Community Center. Except I've never actually set foot inside. I was always too scared to go in myself simply because I wasn't sure what I'd find inside. Even then, sitting in my car in the pouring rain, I kept staring at the entrance of the old, decaying building that had a chalkboard written sign out front near the double doors.

'Tonight: Loved and lost support group'.

Like most times I've been there, I was contemplating on whether or not to go inside. Usually, it was just me staring at the entrance for a while before I chickened out and decided to get back in my car to drive home again. But something was different this time and I wasn't sure why I had the urge to finally do so... While I was sitting in my car, I took a good look at myself in the rear view mirror in an attempt to build up enough courage to actually get out and walk inside. Staring at myself felt like I was staring at a complete stranger... The lioness I was seeing with her puffy, weary azure blue eyes, like she hasn't had a good night's sleep in ages and her tawny gold colored fur turning pale and dull over the years was someone I no longer recognized... It felt strange, contradicting even to feel a hint of determination while feeling uneasy at the same time. And yet, strangely enough, felt somewhat at peace as well, like everything would be okay, even if it was for just a bit... Perhaps it was the cooling rain on a warm evening in August... Maybe I was mesmerized by the sound of raindrops pouring down on the car roof, hitting the pavement and trickling down the drains and rooftops... Or perhaps it was just too captivating to see the empty street being reflected in the rain, dotted by different shades of bright colors reflected by neon signs and streetlights, like an oil canvas painting... Whatever it was, it had everything to do with the realization I had this morning when I woke up. It all caused me to space out for a bit until I got snapped out of it by the sound of a car approaching the parking lot. It parked up just ahead and its engine and lights got turned off. The door on the drivers side opened up and some guy started taking a sprint in the rain towards the entrance while covering his head, doing his best to stay dry, which seemed kind of futile. And while I was following him with my eyes, I noticed he took shelter underneath the roof's overhang where a couple of other people were taking shelter as well, greeting each other. The guy reached in his pocket and lit up a cigarette while chatting with others, standing there for a while.

When I looked at my mobile phone and noticed the time, I saw it was only a couple more minutes before the gathering started, I figured I'd just turn on the engine and drive home once more, like I always did. And just when I was about to, I saw someone coming out of the building's entrance, greeting them and summoning them inside. I couldn't get a good look at him at first but I could tell he was a gray wolf. One by one, they all went inside when that wolf greeted them as he held the door open for the others. For some reason, it all felt so metaphorical to me. Sometimes, I kept running towards a door but then it closed just before I managed to reach it. Sometimes, a door was wide open but I never passed the threshold... And sometimes, a door was unlocked but I never went through, afraid of what I might find on the other side. Whatever the situation was, it all had one thing in common: I never knew what was on the other side of the door. It's about taking chances and risks and by not passing the metaphorical threshold, I never knew what could have been if I took any of the opportunities that lied before me. And here I was once more, presented with another opportunity and another door that was about to close on me, quite literally this time... I closed my eyes for a moment and looked back in the rear-view mirror. Those same weary, puffy eyes were staring right back at me but this time with a hint of determination, longing for change in her life... The need for it outweighed her insecurities and fears and realized that things would stay the same like they've always been if I went home instead... So I took a deep breath as I removed the key from the ignition and opened the door to get out, quickly making my way towards the entrance as that wolf was about to turn around and close the door behind him. Once I got there, I finally had a good look on him. A gray wolf, with piercing emerald green eyes, casually dressed in a dark blue blouse with a brown suit jacket with matching suit pants and Oxford shoes. He had lighter streaks of gray in his fur and I reckon he was around my age. Once I stood there in front of him, he looked up surprised, like he wasn't expecting anyone else to join since they all went inside earlier. Nevertheless, his friendly eyes looked straight into mine and smiled kindly at me.

"Hi there. Are you here for the support group?"

"I, uhm... I-I am, yes... I'm not too late, am I...?" I said quietly while averting my eyes as a nervous feeling started to crawl up my throat.

"No, no we're just about to start. You're more than welcome to join us if you'd like."

There was something about his kind smile and his calm friendly manner in which he talked to me that felt genuine and trustworthy. And while I was still hesitant, somewhere deep down inside, I knew I had to go inside, no matter how difficult it would be...

"I'd like to but... I honestly wouldn't know where to start..."

"That's okay... You'll only share what you'd like to share. Don't feel pressured into sharing things you'd rather not. We're all here to help and support each other. No one will judge you for what you're willing or unwilling to share."

Despite those reassuring words, I felt like I couldn't move and I completely froze. He looked at me a bit puzzled for a moment when I just stood there but I suppose he experienced other people who were hesitant to join before. He probably saw I became quite nervous and uneasy while I started to regret my decision to come out here...

"You're new here, aren't you? First time attending?"

"Yes..."

"There's another woman joining us for the first time. She had doubts too but decided to attend nevertheless. And I understand that it can be quite scary to talk about your personal feelings and experiences in front of strangers. But no one expects you to share your story on your first time attending. Some people find comfort in simply being present. It'll come, in due time, at your own pace and in your own words."

I kept staring inside the building down the long corridor that was ahead while he waited for me to step inside. But after another moment, when I still wasn't moving, he patiently kept holding the door open for me.

"Why don't you come inside for a bit and see what it's like? We've got fresh coffee and tea inside."

he said, trying his best not to put too much pressure on me and coercing me to go inside. 'I can always sit down and listen while having a cup of tea...' So I looked at him and nodded quietly, to which he reacted with that kind, gentle smile again...

"I'm Alex, by the way."

"I'm Shirazi..."

"So Shirazi... Do you prefer coffee or tea?"

"I'd like some tea, please..."

"Alright... Let's get inside, shall we?"

And with that, the two of us made our way inside the building. As we walked down the hallway, memories of my youth sped by. The Blackbriar Community Center was a place where people could organize pretty much any activity they could come up with. I remember me and my little sister Nadhiya spend a lot of time in our youths taking part in all sorts of activities like baking cookies or crafting things. There were seminars, about a wide range of topics or workshops like painting or sculpting, all organized by volunteers. Most of the time, it was about people getting together and having a good time doing whatever they were doing and I have fond memories of that. But it's obvious that time has left its mark on the building. While the community center itself was still being used, the building itself seemed as if it hasn't been renovated in years. The colors of the painted walls started to fade and saw these little flakes that you could peel off. One of the windows had a crack and a ceiling light was flickering in the hallway. The moment I got inside, the air smelled stale and dry, like an attic that hasn't been cleaned in ages. I suppose the township couldn't be bothered to clear funds for the renovation of this building, even though a lot of people still seem to be using it to this day. You'd expect that the community would at least raise some funds instead...

After a short walk, we turned left down a corridor and immediately went right inside a large open room that resembled a dance studio with a wooden laminate floor. On the far end was a stage where bands could perform but other than that, it was mostly empty except for a couple of chairs that were formed around in a circle. But I was more interested to see who was attending this support group. I wasn't quite sure what I expected but I didn't expect to see young adults as well. I thought the group that was attending was just the small group of people I saw outside earlier on but there were a lot more inside. I was actually kind of surprised to see how they all seemed to get along just fine with each other. Some were standing near a foldable table pouring coffee from a thermos in a plastic cup and eating some of the cookies and muffins that were laid out on a plate. But not everyone was mingling. Some stayed quiet and were sitting on a chair, staring ahead of themselves while others were talking and laughing. It seemed so contrasting, knowing the reason of their visit. It's so contradicting to see someone laugh at a gathering to talk about losses and grief. But I suppose that also takes the edge of things, how people cope with their feelings. Perhaps it's simply the one thing everyone here needs the most... Nevertheless, my mind was more at ease when I saw all those people of different ages getting along with each other.

I followed Alex to the coffee table where he got hold of a plastic cup while I kept scanning the room, just to let it all sink in. When I faced Alex again, he handed me a cup of tea.

"Thank you..."

"Feel free to grab something along with it. There's muffins and cookies if you'd like."

I stared down at the table and even though those cookies and muffins looked quite tempting, I figured it was best to try and skip it. I already have quite the belly, no need to add to that... Instead, I averted my gaze to all the people mingling, still surprised by how many there were.

"That's quite the turnout... Is it always this crowded?"

"It is, yeah. Usually around ten to fifteen people, sometimes more, sometimes less. Everyone has a story to share and others just feel the need to listen or simply show support for reasons of their own. Regardless of the reason why they're here, it's all because they feel the need to help someone which ever way they can."

"Because others have done the same for them?"

"Yes, exactly. People realize their necessity is also a necessity to others. I like to encourage them to help each other to get through their struggles. To me, it's great to see someone personally grow and better themselves on their own volition. People simply need a nudge in the right direction and we all help them which ever way we can."

Alex kept staring ahead at the group seemingly proud of the people who joined this evening while every once in a while, someone walked up to him and shook his hand greeting him. He seems to know everyone by name and every interaction he had was instilled by respect for each other. Some were jovial, others seemed more gloomy but he wasn't treating anyone any different. He always met them with that same, friendly smile and kind eyes. Everyone who was walking up to him saw me standing right next to him and being a new face, they introduced themselves to me as well. And while some seemed nervous introducing themselves to me, it felt reassuring to know that I wasn't alone. Once people stopped coming to us, he continued.

"This whole group isn't defined by culture or age difference or whatever. What defines these people is their experiences in life and the one thing they can all relate to."

"The loss of a loved one..."

"Yes..." Alex said quietly. When I looked at him, he seemed to be lost in thoughts for a short moment but quickly recovered once he noticed I was staring at him. He smiled at me and looked down on his watch.

"It's time."

And with that, Alex walked towards the chair in the middle at the end of the circle and once everyone noticed it was about to start, they all took their seats. So I went ahead and took a seat myself, not too far from Alex. The laughing and murmuring stopped once everyone sat down and the whole room was filled with silence except for the occasional throat scrape, cough and sniff. Everyone turned their attention to Alex who was the only one standing to start off the gathering.

"Good evening everyone. It's good to see so many of you have returned tonight. Besides familiar faces, we also have two new people to join us this evening. Emily and Shirazi. Welcome!"

A new face gets picked out easily seeing as no one in the room has ever seen you before. So they all stared at an otter woman whom I presumed was Emily and me, quietly welcoming us which felt a bit awkward to be put in the spotlight like that. So I just awkwardly smiled and nodded back in silence. Luckily, Alex took over from that point, focusing everyone's attention back to him again.

"I'd like to start off by saying to those who are new here that you can share what makes you feel comfortable. Anything just to get it off your chest. Don't feel pressured into sharing things you're not ready for. No one will judge you for it."

Alex paused for a moment when he looked around and saw everyone nodding in agreement. He then continued.

"It may seem obvious but It's important not to interrupt when someone's telling their story. That's why we have a talking stick. It gets passed around and the one who's holding it, is sharing his or her story. If there are any questions, please raise your hand first before speaking or wait until they've finished. That way, we all get to say what we'd like to say without being interrupted."

'Talking stick? Raising hands? What is this, elementary school...?' It all seemed kind of weird to me but then again, I'd probably appreciate it too if no one would interrupt me when I'm telling something. And then Alex got hold of some wooden stick with a ball on top, decorated with ribbons and bands in all different kinds of colors. He suggested to start off with someone new and somewhere deep down inside me, I hoped I wasn't the one who got picked first. Luckily, after a moment, that Emily woman who was new here as well stuck out her hand and accepted the talking stick as Alex sat down on his chair. And once he did, Emily started to share her story.

"Hi everyone, uhm... My name is Emily. I'm forty-two years old and uhm... I work as a financial advisor at Callahan Nordyne for about eleven years now. I've got two kids, Maddie, who's ten years old and Bryan, who's six. I like spending time with them by going for walks or take them swimming. And uhm... I figured I'd attend this group because I've lost my husband who passed away from cancer six months ago..."

Emily scraped her throat for a moment and nervously twiddled her fingers around the talking stick. She reached down to the floor to pick up her cup of coffee and took a small sip from it before placing it back on the floor, taking a moment before she continued.

"It's only been six month but... It's like I've only just started to mourn his passing... To me, it feels like I've lost every will to continue my life without him... All the insecurities we've had for the past couple of years are beginning to take its toll on me, like reality is only sinking in recently... For years it was an emotional roller-coaster... We were happy when there was good news and felt somber whenever there was bad news... We felt hopeful when my husband went in to remission three years after his diagnosis... And we felt devastated when it came back... After five years, my worst fear came true when the doctors told us there wasn't anything they could do anymore... How do you explain to your kids that their dad is not getting better...? I had to stay strong for them for so many years but after my husband passed away, it all came crashing down on me... Every day is such a struggle just to get out of bed but I have to, because my kids depend on me... But I just don't know how to go on anymore..."

When Emily continued her story made me drift off and imagine all the things she's gone through. And Alex was right. It was something I could relate to and I bet everyone else in the room as well. It made me think back about my own life, how it could've been. How it should've been... Would the outcome be any different if I'd made different choices in the past? I've always told myself that things happen for a reason. A reason that may not be apparent at first but will play its part in the near or distant future. But over the course of many years, I realized the lie I was telling myself no longer held truth for me... That's when I became lost myself... And I remember thinking to myself that I hoped the choice I made that evening would change everything...

I got snapped out of it by the sudden silence a while later. When I looked up, I noticed Emily wiping her eyes with a tissue while the person next to her placed an arm on her shoulder. And once Emily calmed down, she sighed and smiled at the woman next to who her. Once it stayed quiet, Alex stood up to conclude her turn by his words of comfort.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Emily. Thank you for sharing. Grieving isn't a process that one should go through alone. It's perfectly understandable and quite normal for you to process everything that happened to you months after his passing. After all, there is no "limit" on the amount of time needed to mourn a loss. And if I may give you some advice; It's okay to talk to your children about their father's passing. They need it just as much as you do. Don't hide your grief from them but grief with them, together. Share your memories of him with your kids. The sorrow may always be there but in time, it'll be bearable enough to give it a place. And as long as you keep him in your memories and mention him by sharing his stories, he will never be truly gone."

Emily nodded quietly and could barely utter a thank you towards Alex. She passed the talking stick back to Alex and after a moment of silence, Alex turned towards me and handed me the stick. I was hesitant at first when all eyes were on me...

"Would you like to share your story, Shirazi?" Alex asked.

Part of me didn't want to. I've been living with it for so long that it started to feel safe and familiar. But then I remembered the reason why I came here in the first place when everything else failed. I wasn't reluctant. I just didn't know where to start... But I had to somewhere, which is why my hand reached out for that talking stick. And so, it was my turn to share...

"Hello everyone... M-My name is Shirazi and, uhm... Heh, to be honest, I'm quite nervous. It's just that I don't know where to start. Uhm... I've stopped by several times, hesitating on whether or not to take part in this support group. But, uhm... Heh..."

I stayed quiet for a moment to think on how to continue on when I totally clammed up but luckily, I got some help. Alex raised his hand after a while when I stayed quiet and asked his question when I faced him.

"What made you change your mind about attending the group?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You said you were hesitant to join before. So what changed that made you decide to come in?"

"Because I feel that's the only way for me to make a change in my life... I have to do this, no matter how difficult it gets."

"Do you feel you owe that to yourself?"

"I do, yes... It's because a part of me feels like I have to share my story with anyone who's willing to listen... But by doing so, I also feel as if I have to let them go... The thoughts and feelings that I've been carrying for so many years are so familiar and became a part of me that the idea of letting it all go feels scary... That's why I was so hesitant and unsure about joining... And now that I'm here, I'm just..."

I stayed quiet after that... I just wanted to pass the talking stick to someone else and get away as fast as I could. I was beginning to think that attending the support group was a mistake. Perhaps that was just my insecurities taking the best of me. Whatever it was, it didn't felt right... But then, Alex raised his hand again...

"I know. It is scary. And it certainly isn't easy. But no one ever claimed otherwise. It's difficult to break the vicious cycle that spiraled you down in the first place but necessary eventually. But every small step forward is a step in the right direction and you managed to take that step despite everything you feel. Despite all the hesitation, insecurities, doubts or perhaps even a kind of fear that you feel, you still made that first step by acknowledging you need help. That's commendable and certainly something not to be ashamed of."

'I guess so...' Maybe it was something I've known all along but refused to give in to. But sooner or later, reality comes barging through the door without even knocking... I knew I had to accept things the way they are and how different the path of my life was then I once envisioned. But Alex was right. Every journey begins with a step. And even though it may have been a small step, it was nevertheless a step forward in the right direction. I think it was that night where my story truly began by acknowledging past grievances...

"Tomorrow's my birthday and uh... Knowing that I'll turn fifty two, I woke up this morning with the realization that my life is going nowhere... I imagined having a happy family by now... Instead, I got stuck in an unhappy marriage for the majority of my life... It feels like I've wasted all these years pursuing something that was never meant to be... And I think that's the hardest thing for me to accept, to know that it was all for nothing..."

There it goes again... That same nauseous feeling crawling up my throat whenever I tried to talk about it. Like a chunk stuck in your throat, unable to talk. So I paused for a moment, recollecting my thoughts and took a sip from my tea to try to wash down the nauseous feeling. It didn't help much though... Nevertheless, I pressed on...

"I got married when I was twenty four years old with my childhood sweetheart Mazhar whom I met in high school. Those were the greatest years of my life. And by the time I was twenty eight, the two of us wanted to settle down by starting a family. But to no avail... We went to see a doctor to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant after numerous failed attempts to conceive... We tried for so long and I've had several different fertility treatments but it just didn't work out until a specialist wanted to apply us for IVF treatment... It took well over a month to make all the necessary preparations, paperwork to be filled out and to receive an approval from our insurance company but the day I got the confirmation that our application was accepted, Mazhar and I were overwhelmed with happiness... It took three cycles of IVF treatment but the third one was successful... I finally became pregnant... And... Much to our joy, I was carrying twins..."

And from that moment, I stared down and gazed at the floor as the tears welled up in my eyes... And that's exactly the problem I've had for so many years. I never managed to give it a place. Like Alex said: It's like being stuck in a vicious cycle where there seems to be no end. Like most things in life, it shapes you into the person you are today, for better or worse. Nothing's more hurtful than thinking you have it all figured out only to get knocked down again. And if that happens one too many times, you're inclined to stay down... At some point, you'll simply give up. One recurring thought of mine was that giving up doesn't always mean that you're weak. Sometimes, it means you're strong enough to let go. But over the years, that too proved to be a lie I was telling myself seeing as I was never able to... That became apparent when I woke up that Friday morning, realizing I had my birthday coming up and that in those fifty two years of life, none of my life goals were fulfilled... It's something I've often thought of before but for some reason, it hit me harder than it ever did that day. It was so mind numbingly distressing as I started to question my place in life and what my legacy would be if I were to pass on from this world... Everything just seemed so futile and that day, I felt more lost than I've ever been... I just didn't know what to do... And I guess that's also the reason why I couldn't continue speaking... As I looked up and saw everyone staring at me during the long silence, I scraped my throat and averted my eyes from them...

"That's all I would like to share for now..."

Alex stood up after that and once I handed him the talking stick, he puts his hand on my shoulder and took his seat again.

"It's okay, Shirazi. One step at a time. You're free to share whenever you feel ready. Thank you."

I nodded quietly and quickly handed him the stick while feeling embarrassed and ashamed for reasons I didn't quite seem to grasp... And as the next person started to talk, I drifted off in my own thoughts again but no matter how much I pondered, I simply wasn't able to get things straight for myself...

When Alex finally concluded the gathering at around nine o'clock, I felt exhausted from all the over-thinking I did during those two hours. Probably the longest two hours I've ever spend in my life. Once everyone started to get up, it took me a moment to realize it ended when I saw everyone walking towards the exit. Alex however, stayed behind to clean up but when he noticed I still sat there, he came towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"You okay, Shirazi?"

"Yeah, I'm uh... I-I'm alright. It was just so much to take in this evening. I'm just having a hard time sharing..."

"It is a lot to take in. But it'll come in due time when you feel ready for it. Don't pressure yourself."

I nodded quietly and smiled weakly at him as I stood up, about to go outside and back to my car. But I felt kind of bad to just leave without offering any help when I saw him tidying up the place and was surprised everyone else just scampered off like that. So I followed his lead and started stacking up chairs as well while he packed everything that was on the table. When Alex noticed I was helping him tidying up the place, he smiled once more, seemingly appreciating the gesture.

"How long have you been doing this, Alex?"

"For about six years now. I started this group when I was going through some rough times myself and nothing seemed to work to get through it. Some people just want their stories to be heard or need to get it off their chest in order to process their loss. Like I said, grieving is something that shouldn't be done alone. And you'd be surprised how lonely some people actually are."

"Lonely...?"

"Hm-mm... There's a difference in being alone and being lonely."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever been to a party, having a seemingly good time with people and yet still felt lonely?"

"Heh..."

"You may be out socializing but it's all superficial. It has no actual meaning, no bonding, whatsoever. No one to relate to. To be alone is a choice. Being lonely, however, is not. That's why there's such a diverse group of people attending this support group."

"They're all lonely..."

"Yes... But they don't have to be. Being part of this support group enables you to have that choice. But like I said, it's not easy. It takes a lot of self-reflection and dedication to get yourself out of that dark place. Only then are you able to make changes for yourself."

"I don't know if I can do that..."

"There may be times where you'd rather stop attending when it gets too difficult and that's okay if you need time. But you should know the door is always open to those who need it, to either talk or to simply listen. But most importantly, you should know that you're not alone in all this."

That one hit close to home... _'You don't have to be lonely anymore...'_I averted my eyes from Alex and just kept staring ahead for a moment to process his words. He got hold of the two thermos flasks and placed them in his backpack while looking at the plate where there were only two cookies left. He then looked at me and held up the plate to offer me one. I know I shouldn't but I figured one couldn't hurt. So I picked one while he got the other.

Once everything was packed and tidied up, Alex turned off all the lights and we made our way outside the building. Luckily, it stopped raining so I was in no hurry to get to my car. Once the doors of the building were locked, we silently walked towards our cars while I was contemplating the evening I've spend with the support group. And while I was thankful for Alex to have invited me in, I still felt unsure whether or not I should be back the next time, seeing how much difficulty I had with sharing...

"Hey Alex...?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for inviting me in... I know I haven't said much but... It's difficult to just..."

"That's alright. Have you sought help in the past before?"

"I have... I've been to a psychologist before and even though it helped for a bit, I just get overwhelmed by grief again a while later and seems to get worse each time so, uhm... Heh..."

"The thing is, therapy is focused on finding an answer that you already know yourself. A psychologist tries to pull that answer out of you by changing the way you think and makes you see the issues your facing in a different perspective. Cognitive behavioral therapy is what they call it. But if that doesn't help, the answers you look for are simply non-existent... We often know the reason of how a loved one passed away. Perhaps an illness, a car crash or another cause. But one thing we'll never have an answer to is to the question of why they were taken from us. Why did they became sick, why did that car crash had to happen but more importantly, why them? Why is it that out of all the people in the world, it had to be your loved one who passed away...? It's something that nothing and no one can ever answer... Sometimes, there's only heartfelt sorrow and an empty void within which nothing in life can ever seem to fill up again... So all there is, is acceptance, closure and managing to give it a place. But that doesn't necessarily mean to forget. What it means is to find the strength to move on without forgetting. That's what this support group is all about. Helping people pick up their lives and regain their happiness is what I strive for. And if I can help someone accomplish that, then well, I know I've done a good job myself."

Even though Alex was smiling at me, I looked in his eyes which told a whole different story... He's been through all of that as well otherwise he wouldn't have spoken with such hope and certainty in his words... But there was truth to them as well, perfectly describing everything when grieving my losses was still part of my life even after so many years... It stayed quiet for a moment as I let those words sink in... But once they did, I realized Alex would be able to truly understand the struggles I was facing every day. even though he was still a complete stranger to me... Everyone I ever talked to did so with good intentions... But I needed someone I could relate to, someone who experienced the same which is most likely why it never seemed to work, no matter how many times I talked about it to someone...

"You speak from experience..."

"I am, yes..."

"You've been through a lot yourself, haven't you...?"

"Haven't we all?"

"Heh..."

"Goodnight, Shirazi... Take care of yourself and I hope to see you next time."

"Goodnight... And thank you..."

And with that, Alex gave me one last smile and a nod before he got into his car and I watched him drive off. Once I got in my own car, I kept staring ahead in blank space trying to piece everything together. And while it didn't make much sense at first, there was still a little spark of hope that ignited inside of me for doing something I never thought I could. It may not have lasted long but it was still there, nonetheless... When your perception is so black and white, it's hard to see the gray's and realize that things may not be as bad as they all seem...

I took my mobile phone and saw it was only nine twenty PM. I didn't want to go home just yet, afraid I'd get swallowed up by my own thoughts once I got home. It's something that often happened, especially after a particularly bad day. I couldn't seem to grasp anything as my mind was still spinning. Even though I haven't said much, my mind was reminiscing past events, even when the gathering was already concluded... It became stuck in my head... I needed something to distract me. So I called the one person who supported me through and through...

"Shirazi, hi!"

"Hey, sis..."

"How are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm, uh... Heh... I'm sorry I haven't stayed in touch lately... I just needed some time alone but..."

"Is everything okay...?"

"Hey, uhm... I-I know it's late but... Can I see you...? Is that alright...?"

"Yes, of course, you know you don't have to ask!"

"Thank you... I'll be there soon, okay...?"

"Alright... Drive safe, sweetie. See you then."

"Bye..."

It's only a fifteen minute drive to my sister's house. Not that very far away. And like she said, I have been isolating myself from them for no particular reason. I guess putting up fake smiles and telling my family everything was alright is exhausting which is why I needed some time alone. Of course, my sister knew it was nonsense. Nadhiya always saw through me, probably because she knew me better than I knew myself. And most of the time, she was able to talk some sense into me. She'd tell me things I already knew deep down inside but just needed confirmation. Nevertheless, that didn't always go down well with me, simply because she also told me things I didn't like to hear about myself...

The streets were empty, especially for a Friday night. Normally, there was quite a lot of traffic in downtown Stanford consisting out of people going out celebrating the weekend. I supposed everyone stayed inside after that downpour but now that it stopped, you'd expect more people to be out on the streets. And just as I was thinking that, I heard the weather-forecast on the radio predicting rain later on in the evening. As I stopped at an intersection in front of a red light in downtown Stanford, I looked to my left and saw a young couple cuddling in a bus-stop, talking and smiling at each other. I was so fixated on them when I started to remember those moments in my life many years ago that I didn't notice the light turned green. The car behind me honked its horn for me to move on... So I did and eventually reached the outskirts of the city and got on the freeway to make my way to Wellingham, a small village about seventeen kilometers south of Stanford. It's so much different compared to Stanford, with its idealistic homes, lush green meadows and the occasional farm. It seemed like a perfect countryside village with a small city center and lots of residential area. It's a place where I've always wanted to live but unfortunately, wasn't able to finance. Still, I kept imagining owning a house there... Perhaps one day, who knows...

Once I arrived at my sister's house, I parked my car in front of it and made my way towards her front door. Seeing as it was late and I wasn't sure if her daughters were asleep, I decided not to ring the doorbell but gently tap the window to get her attention once I saw her sitting on the couch, reading a book. A moment later, Nadhiya looked up and smiled once she saw me and hurriedly walked towards the door to open it. And once she did, she threw her arms around me and gave me a big firm hug and a smooch on the cheek... Staring right back at her, her hazel brown eyes locking straight into mine, having a good look on her face. Even though she's only four years younger than me, she doesn't look a day over thirty. Doing yoga exercises regularly, she had a toned body and a gorgeous figure, something I quite envied... Long, tousled, wavy black hair that reached just below her shoulder. Her fur is darker in tone than mine but had the same beige patch on her snout like I did. But I often wished I looked more like her instead...

"Hi sweetie, it's so good to see you. I've missed you..."

"Hi, Nadhiya... It's good to see you too..."

"Is everything alright...? You sounded so glum on the phone earlier... Have you been crying...?"

Nadhiya looked me straight in the eyes as she placed her hands on my cheeks. Her expression turned from cheerful to concerned in a moment's notice and carefully wiped my eyes with her thumbs. It sounds strange but the moment she asked me if I had been crying, I felt quite ashamed... I wasn't able to utter a single word after that and totally clammed up, feeling as if I was about to burst into tears once more. That nauseous feeling crawled up my throat again and felt like I was starting to suffocate. Nadhiya saw what was happening even though I tried my best not to show it... And when I didn't answered her question and averted my eyes instead, she held me close and gave me a big firm hug. Almost immediately, that nauseous feeling seeped away and I felt like I could breathe again. It only took a couple of deep breaths before that awful feeling disappeared entirely once I placed my arms around her as well, firmly clenching on to her... We stood there only for a moment but that hug meant the world to me. It reminded me that despite everything, we still loved each other deeply... It reminded me that our bond as sisters was unbreakable, after all the things we've experienced in our lives... And especially after all the things we've put each other through...

"Come in, I'll make some tea..." Nadhiya said quietly...

I took off my shoes in the hallway and followed her to the living-room. Quite spacious, with a modern gray/white interior and an open kitchen with a cooking island. A huge flat-screen TV was mounted on the wall and on the opposite side was a big comfortable sofa that seems to swallow you up once you sat down. Movie nights at Nadhiya's place was like going to the cinema. I often wondered how they could afford all these things. Seeing as her husband David held the job title of a Senior Project Manager at an IT company and Nadhiya working as an HR Consultant at a job recruitment agency would probably explain it. But one thing I particularly liked was that on the window sill right next to the couch, she kept a collection of photo-frames. Pictures of us when we were young, my parents, her children, her husband and Nadhiya and some of her friends. It goes to show that was she was a real family person and valued that above all else, like I did as well.

As I was staring at those pictures, I kept looking at photo's of her daughters. The oldest, Sarah was ten and the youngest was Rachel at age six. And they are absolutely wonderful. Bright, quirky, upbeat and inquisitive yet can also be quite mischievous at time. They reminded me a lot of me and my sister when we were young. Nadhiya was the rebellious one and always managed to get in trouble even through out her teen years. Me on the other hand, was the Mary Sue of the two; always played by the book and followed all the rules. It's safe to say that we differ from each other as day and night. Despite our differences, we were able to get along quite well with each other when we were young but we both had one thing in common: we were both quite stubborn. Needless to say, that often lead to clashes between the two of us, like most siblings do. But I started to notice that something had changed as we grew older. She became a tomboy, followed her own rules and did whatever she wanted. And while my parents were strict, she only seemed to derail further during her teen years. The only one who could keep her in check was my father, seeing as he had pretty much the same personality as her and somehow understood her better than my mother and I were able to while I was leaning more towards my mother. Even though my father and I had a good bond, I couldn't help but to notice that our family was starting to split in two. Things got worse when Nadhiya started to hang out with the wrong crowds in her teen years and lived quite a wild life unlike me. She got caught shop-lifting, was expelled from school for insulting and spitting at a teacher, vandalism just to name a few and I was genuinely worried about her. That wasn't like her. The good intentions I had on trying to keep her on a straight path and helping to get through her struggles wasn't welcomed. But every time I tried to talk to her, we got into a huge fight. It's like Nadhiya sought any excuse to pick a fight, with either me or my parents. It even went as far where she actually hit me one day during a particularly harsh fight and I never could understand what caused her to act like that. But the older she got, the more mature she became and finally started to realize that the talks me and my parents had with her had actually truth to it. Nadhiya made a dramatic change in her early twenties. She started to come around when she met her future husband David and fell in love. And while love can make you do crazy things, it had quite the opposite effect on her. David had a good influence on her and her behavior. He was able to get through to her somehow... Our relationship started to heal as time went on and we became sisters again. Things went great for a while...

Nadhiya settled down in her mid thirties and got married, while the years before were spend traveling with David, building up a career and buying a house together. She followed evening courses, graduated, managed to land a well paying job, was successful in everything she did and I started to loathe her for it... I wanted her to be successful in life and now that she finally was, I should've been happy for her, right...? I knew it was wrong to feel that way about her but at some point, I wasn't able to hide it anymore... But then something snapped inside of me when she got pregnant of her first child... I became envious and jealous of her picture perfect marriage... I detested the child she was carrying... I held a grudge and despised everything about her. And the reason for all of that was because it was supposed to be me to have all those things, not her... I did everything by the book, followed all the rules and yet I was left with nothing but an unhappy marriage... Seeing her felt like she was rubbing everything she had right up my nose... So I started to avoid her like the plague and we haven't seen each other for a year while I kept spiraling down, not realizing that by what I was doing was tearing our family apart again as I dealt with my own issues and marital problems... Things were getting worse and worse until one day, my parents and Nadhiya sat me down and I had a stern talk with them that lasted for hours which totally made me break down about my own unhappy marriage and the problems I was facing... What I failed to realize for so long was that both the good and bad experiences in Nadhiya's life made her grow as a person while I kept being stuck in the past and got swallowed up in all the hardships I was facing... All the things she accomplished in her life was because of her own strong determination, perseverance and discipline. It's the kind of experiences that life teaches you along the path, sometimes the hard way. And I was reflecting my own shortcomings and issues back on her successes while never realizing it. I was digging up the past and blamed her for all the things she was putting me and my parents through... A lot of things that happened in the past and were never talked about came out that day, everything I've been bottling up for so many years... So that confrontation that day was a huge eye-opener for me. I heard a lot of things I didn't like, things I wasn't realizing I was doing to Nadhiya and my parents while all she wanted was for us to be close again and for me to be a loving aunt to her first child... And up to this day, I regret that I ever let it get that far...

Since then, Nadhiya and I managed to bury the hatchet and our relationship slowly improved for the better. I got to see Sarah for the first time since she was born and once I started opening up, I started to bond with my little niece, giving me so much in return... I received unconditional love and she taught me a thing or two about giving unconditional love as well... All of us became a loving family again... A flawed one nevertheless, with each and everyone having issues of their own but all the hardships we've been through made us grow closer than we've ever been before... I missed a lot of Sarah growing up during that year I wasn't seeing my sister... I didn't make that same mistake when Rachel was born...

Even though the relationship with my family became better than before, I realized I still had so many things in the back of my mind that I was never able to process... I sought help once more and even started to talk with Nadhiya to share what was on my mind, which only seemed to improve our sisterly bond as the years went by. But when my father passed away unexpectedly nine years ago, Nadhiya was absolutely devastated by his loss... Even though she had a good bond with my mother, she always felt more connected with my father. She felt lost when he was no longer there for guidance and I started to see myself in her... I didn't want her to go through the same things that I was still going through... Nadhiya poured her heart out to me and we genuinely shared our sincere feelings for the first time in many years... It made us realize that we weren't so different after all... It became unbreakable and the sisterly love that we started to have again made me realize that a lot of precious time was wasted with unjustified loathing for each other based on petty differences... I'm still quite ashamed about it to this day whenever I think back about that period of my life... But I can honestly say that it was perhaps the best thing that could ever happen to me... It made me strive to be a better person and a loving aunt despite my own issues I was still facing...

"I've got mint tea if you'd like."

Snapping back to the present, I looked up and faced Nadhiya who was leaning on the kitchen counter watching me staring at those photo's as she waited for the electric kettle to boil. Her expression hasn't changed since I came in and I could tell she was worried when she looked straight at me. Giving a quick nod, she picked two mugs from her cupboard in which she placed a teabag. Nadhiya poured hot water into the mugs once the kettle was done and dipped the teabags up and down several times before throwing it away in the garbage bin. She then carefully made her way over towards the living-room and placed a mug in front of me on the coffee table. I took my seat on the couch, quietly thanking her as she sat down in a chair across, holding her mug while Nadhiya kept staring at me...

"What happened tonight, Shirazi...?"

I kept looking staring down at the coffee table for a moment, trying to recollect my thoughts. Closing my eyes for a moment, sighing quietly, I tried to find the right words... It took a moment for me to recollect but nevertheless, Nadhiya stayed patient and waited for me to speak up my mind...

"Do you remember that support group you suggested to me to attend several months ago...?"

"Yes?"

"I haven't actually been attending them..."

"You didn't go to them...?"

"Well, I-I did but... I was scared to go in... And every time I was there, I waited until they started and I went home again..."

"But you said everything went fine every time I asked? Why didn't you just tell me...?"

"I was just so scared..."

"I know you are but that's okay. They're all there to help you..."

"But... I finally found the courage to go inside and attend this evening... Except I wasn't able to say much..."

"That's good, isn't it? It doesn't matter how much you've said. What matters is that you've been there."

"Yeah, yeah I suppose so but... I mean, Everything that happened just bubbled up and... It's just so overwhelming... I mentioned Mazhar and I just... Heh... I keep thinking about the things I've put him through and where it all led to... But I just miss him so much and... I-I just..."

I already knew what Nadhiya was going to say... It's been repeated so often yet it's something I never managed to grasp... But every time she did, Nadhiya knew it sounded harsh yet was necessary... And once she said it, she always seemed remorseful about her words when she saw my reaction to them... But what else was there for her to say when everything has already been said and done...? What would I expect her to say differently each time I talked to her about it...? She wasn't able to help me with that, no matter how desperately I needed her to and I knew that all too well... So it wasn't any different that evening, when she told me again, for the umpteenth time...

"It's been seven years now, Shirazi... Mazhar isn't coming back..."

"I know... I can't blame him for what he's done, I understand why he did it... In fact, somewhere deep down inside, I'm glad that he did if it helped him to move on and forget about me... What happened to us wasn't his fault... It never was..."

"But neither was it yours... You can never blame yourself... Please, don't ever think that... "

Sometimes I wondered if Nadhiya got ever tired telling me the same things over and over again even though she never showed any indication that she was. She changed so much in that regard, as she used to be quite impatient and usually got annoyed with people who weren't able to speak up their mind or whenever she had to repeat herself several times. I suppose being a mother taught her a lot about patience and compassion... But even that has a limit, especially when everything was already said and done... It stayed quiet for a while as she tried to find the right words... And again, I didn't like hearing them... But I knew it was the truth...

"We've had these kind of talks before, Shirazi... A lot of them, actually. And I know you've been through a lot and experienced things no one should ever go through. But twenty four years is a very long time to wonder in the dark... Twenty four years is a long time to deal with hardships and struggles... Twenty four years is a very long time to deny yourself your happiness... But most importantly, those twenty four years of grieving and struggling are years of your life that you will never get back... You know I'm always here for you when you need me. But I can't take away the pain that you're feeling. I can't make life easier for you. I can't help you cope with your losses. Because if I could, I would do so in a heartbeat without hesitation but I can't, no matter how much I want to. It's something only you can make a difference in. You're more in control of your actions than you think you are capable of... And the time to do something with that is long overdue... Still, what you did this evening also means that it's not too late... But now it's up to you to decide to do something with it... "

I kept staring at my cup of tea on the coffee-table and even though it was still quite hot, Nadhiya took a sip from her mug without ever flinching. I never understood how she was always able to do so without burning her mouth. And it's funny that it was the first thought that was going through my head after everything she just said, like it's some kind of a denial or something... But she was right nonetheless... Even though Nadhiya still looked worried, her eyes also had a hint of disappointment for me lying to her about going to the support group. And while she didn't say it outright, I could tell that she was which made me feel ashamed... I shouldn't have lied to her about that, especially when she was the one who tried to help for so long... But looking at her again, I could also tell that she knew it was difficult and scary and that she'd understand why I didn't attend...

"I'm sorry, Nadhiya... I shouldn't have lied to you about it..."

"I'm not the one you're hurting by lying... You're only hurting yourself by doing so..."

"Heh..."

"Don't let past experiences influence you and define your life to what it is today... It's not worth it... You, of all people, deserve happiness more than anything else... And it doesn't matter anymore what you did and didn't do in the past... What matters is what you do now..."

Nadhiya was right and how could she not be? Except it's so much easier said than done. Everything I've heard that day wasn't anything new. But for the first time in what seemed forever, those words actually seemed to take hold. And then a whole mix of emotions started to overwhelm me... Feeling so angry that my life took a direction I never set course for and I allowed that to happen for being so oblivious... Feeling remorseful, grieving past losses and reminiscing those who weren't with me any more... Lonely and heartbroken... Feeling ever so lost and hopeless... I'm ashamed to say that I let my emotions get the better of me that evening at my sister's house... But I simply broke down when it all became too much... And Nadhiya saw that... She sat down next to me and embraced me as I supported my chin on her shoulder, crying my eyes out for a while... Nadhiya caressed the back of my head, whispering that it's okay... But then I heard a soft voice whispering quietly....

"Mommy...?"

When I looked up, I saw Sarah standing there at the top of the stairs in her pink pajama's looking a little sleepy while holding mister Puffles, her favorite teddy bear. But once she noticed me sitting there on the couch, she was wide awake all of a sudden as she gasped and came running down the stairs.

"Aunt Shi-shi!"

Immediately jumping in my arms the moment she reached me, she firmly clenched on to me and gave me a big smooch on the cheek before hugging me again. And as I held her close, all the emotions I felt just moments before just seeped away like that... I closed my eyes as I felt the warmth of her hug spreading throughout my body... That was all it took for me to be content and feel whole again... I looked in her eyes and caressed her cheek before giving her another firm hug, just to hold on to that feeling just a little bit longer...

"Hello, my sweet..."

"I've missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, kitten... I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a while... What are you doing up so late, hm...?"

"I thought mommy was crying... That's why I came downstairs... "

"I'm sorry to have woken you up, sweet pea... I didn't mean to..."

"Why were you crying...?"

"I just wasn't feeling that well... But everything's okay now, especially now that you're here."

"And mister Puffles is here too!"

"Hihi, oh yes and mister Puffles too, of course..."

Sarah kept clenching on to me as I closed my eyes for a moment, indulging myself in the unconditional love she always gave me. It's a wonderful feeling, one that can hardly be explained... It's the kind of warm fuzzy feeling that tingles throughout your body, which reminds you what you mean to the person you're holding... I looked at Nadhiya for a moment and all she did was smiling as she watched how Sarah and I were cuddling together for a while... But looking at the clock, it was already half passed ten and she had to go to bed again...

"It's getting late, young lady. Let's get you to bed." Nadhiya said to her as Sarah immediately turned her head towards her.

"Aww, just five more minutes! Pleeeeeeeeeeease..."

"Come on now."

"Can aunt Shi-Shi read me a bed time story then?"

I looked at Nadhiya and she nodded quietly that it was okay. After which, Sarah immediately jumped up from my lap and raced upstairs. When Nadhiya looked at me, she chuckled quietly.

"Huh, funny. Usually it takes a lot more for her to get to bed."

"Hihi..."

Once Nadhiya and I made our way upstairs and to her room, Sarah was already sitting on her bed, holding a children's book. Lookie is her favorite book, about a little lion and his duckling friend getting involved in all kinds of shenanigans and light hearted adventures. It's actually quite an old book series, which my mother used to read to us when Nadhiya and I were little. This particular book however, was focused on Lookie finding his crayons with Finn the duckling. Whenever I was reading stories to them, I did so by making voices for every character. I tried to make my voice as deep as possible whenever Ollie the elephant said something and whenever Finn the duckling spoke, I did a terrible impression of a duck's voice, which had them in stitches... And once they started laughing, they weren't going to fall asleep any time soon... But what I enjoyed most of all was that my presence was appreciated by them, no matter what we were doing... Spending time with them reminded me what life was all about... And for that, I'm forever grateful...

Once I finished the story, I placed the book back in her bookcase and dimmed her nightlight a bit as I sat on her bed and caressed her hair. And even though she was getting drowsy, Sarah didn't want to go to sleep just yet. So I stayed besides her and talked to her for a bit...

"Aunt Shi-Shi...?"

"Yes...?"

"Did mommy make you cry...?"

"No kitten, she didn't... Your mommy was comforting me when I was feeling a little sad... It's something she's very good at... And so are you..."

"Is everything okay now...?"

"Of course, dear... Why do you ask...?"

"The last time I saw you at your house, you were sad too..."

"I was, wasn't I...?"

"How come...? Did I do anything...?"

What was I going to tell her...? Even though her concern was sweet, she shouldn't be worrying about these kind of things at her age. Sarah was more aware and observant than I realized and perhaps she was already filling in the gaps with her own truth, thinking that somehow she is was the cause of it... It's a kind of burden no child should ever bear and I felt guilty for ever letting her think that...

"Nooo, honey, of course not... What makes you say that...?"

"I didn't mean to break that vase..."

"It was sweet of you to bring me flowers that day, kitten... But that was an accident, you didn't do that on purpose... But no, I'm not sad about that... Sometimes I feel sad for reasons I don't really know... But then you, Rachel and your mom and dad and grandma make everything right again, just like you did this evening..."

"But I didn't do anything..."

"You gave me a hug... Sometimes, that's more than enough, sweet pea... But don't ever think you did anything to make me feel sad, okay...? You're actually doing the opposite by making me happy and I love you to bits for it... So don't worry about me, okay...? I'll be fine as long as I have you all with me..."

She looked at me and smiled, seemingly feeling relieved that she wasn't the cause of my sadness... And even though she nodded in understanding my words, I didn't feel any better for making her think that somehow she was the cause... Nevertheless, I gave her another firm hug and a kiss on her forehead...

"Aunt Shi-Shi...?"

"Hm..."

"Don't be sad anymore, okay...?"

"I promise, sweetheart... And you have to promise me that you don't worry about me anymore..."

"Okay..."

"Very well... You should go to sleep now, it's getting very late... I love you so much, dear..."

"I love you too..."

"Sweet dreams, kitten and I'll see you soon..."

"Good night, aunt Shi-Shi..."

Just one last hug and a kiss on her forehead, tugging her in before turning off her bed-light as I stood up from her bed. Nadhiya entered the room, giving her a good night kiss as well. Once we got to the door, I looked at Sarah one last time and saw she let out a big yawn and gave me a little wave at the same time. So I waved back and went out of her room, leaving her bedroom door a little ajar. Looking up, I noticed Nadhiya wasn't standing next to me but stood in the doorway of Rachel's room, watching her sleep. So I went over to her and peeked in her room to see that Rachel's blankets were half on the ground while she was lying on her stomach, had her arms spread out and one leg tugged to her stomach while the other one was stretched, snoring quietly.

"There's no way she'll wake up when she's asleep like that." Nadhiya said smiling as she entered her room and tugged her in, giving Rachel a kiss as well.

Once I gave Rachel a good night kiss as well, Nadhiya and I made our way downstairs again, taking a seat in the living room once more. I got hold of my mug of tea but it has turned rather cold. Nevertheless, I still drank it, feeling it was rude to have it gone to waste like that...

"Are you alright...?" Nadhiya asked me quietly...

Sighing quietly, I kept staring down at the mug I was holding. i wasn't quite sure what to answer. This evening has been so mentally exhausting as I was overwhelmed with contradicting emotions and now that I sat there, it all finally started to settle down...

"I'm feeling better now... Heh... It's been such a strange evening for me... I feel so tired right now..."

"I can imagine..."

"How have you been...? What have you been up to...?"

"I'm doing well, it's finally weekend. David's out for a drink with his co-workers so he won't be back any time soon. I put the girls to bed at eight and took a nice long hot bath afterwards. And shortly after I got out, you called."

"I'm sorry for ruining your evening..."

"Nooo, that's alright. I'm glad you called. You know you're always welcome here."

"I know..."

"It's okay to take time for yourself, you know. Don't feel guilty about not seeing us for a while. All I ask is that you don't isolate yourself from us."

"Sarah really missed me, didn't she...?"

"Yeah, she did... And so does Rachel... They adore you. You mean the world to them..."

I haven't always picked up my phone whenever Nadhiya called. But sometimes, it was either Sarah or Rachel who called and the idea of not picking up whenever they called made me feel guilty once more...

"I shouldn't have stayed away for so long..."

"It's only been three weeks, Shirazi... Some families haven't seen each others in years..."

"Three weeks is a long time for our family..."

"True... But you're here now and that's all that matters... Nothing would ever change, no matter how long it's been since we've last seen each other."

"Heh..."

"Listen... I know you weren't intending on celebrating your birthday tomorrow but... How about doing something small...? Just mom, David, you, me and the kids having a little get together, here at my house? We'll do some groceries tomorrow, think about what we'll have for dinner, maybe some take-out if you'd like? What do you say?"

Despite having isolated myself for only three weeks, it felt to me like an eternity without them. They're pretty much the only ones I have still left in my life and I've been neglecting them. At first, I didn't want to for reasons I wasn't quite sure. And just when I was about to tell her I'd rather not, I could hear Alex's words echo in my mind...'Break the cycle...' I could've stayed at home instead, doing what I usually do during the weekends, avoiding social interaction... But if I did, what would I be missing out on...? I went to that support group that evening to finally know what what lied beyond that door... This wouldn't be any different... 'Get out of your comfort zone and step over the threshold...' So I looked at Nadhiya and smiled...

"I'd like that..."

"Alright..."

"You sure, though? It's on such a short notice."

"Don't worry, we'll work it out, it'll be fine."

Nadhiya and I talked for another while about more light-hearted stuff. About how the girls were doing at school, things about work and daily life. It's funny how one moment all seemed so lost and the next, everything is just fine, caused by something that everyone take for granted... I got reminded that evening that I was very lucky in that regard, for having a family that had so much unconditional love for me. It reminded me to never, ever push them away from me, no matter all the hardships I was facing. Because in the end, I found strength in them and with it, the will to take on another day and everything it managed to throw at me...

I came home at around midnight, in a dark, quiet small apartment just on the outskirts of Stanford. It's only a tiny two room apartment but it was home, cozy and warm. Once you went through to the door of the narrow hallway, you'd immediately set foot in the living room. It only had one couch which I bought second hand from a thrift store but was still in good condition. In fact, lots of my furniture was bought second hand... The flat screen TV I had was an old one that Nadhiya gave to me when I moved in here seven years ago. The open kitchen did have a bar and stools, seeing as I had no room for having a proper dinner table. But the one thing I truly liked about my apartment was the deep window sill in the living room which was turned into a seating area littered with soft, fluffy pillows. It's like my personal zen space, sitting there, reading a book on a rainy night or simply just sitting there, staring outside the windows wrapped up in a fleece blanket while holding a hot cup of cocoa during the cold winters...

But being so tired from everything that happened that evening, I went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth but kind of rushed it seeing as I wanted to go to bed quickly. Once I made it to my bedroom, I took off my clothes and caught a glimpse of myself in the corner of my eyes from the mirror on the wall... Once I stood there in my underwear, I turned to the mirror and took a good look at myself and saw how much I've changed over the years... I used to have such a firm tight body when I was younger... That was all gone as the years passed... Now all I saw was a pudgy belly, big sagging breasts, thick thighs and buttocks and rolls of fat on my waist... I've always been quite self conscious about the way I look but those days of confidence were long gone, wondering who in their right minds would find me attractive looking like this... At least, that's how I perceived myself... But I suppose there's no way of knowing what others would think of me when I wasn't open to any relationships... Since Mazhar left me seven years ago, I've only been on two dates ever since... The first one was quite disastrous and on the second one, I got stood up which all didn't really help in regaining some self-confidence... So I haven't attempted to find anything since...

Even though I was so tired, I wasn't able to catch any sleep. I kept staring at the white ceiling once I got into bed. As the minutes were ticking by, my mind was processing all the emotions that I was going through that evening and the memories that were dug up because of it. For several hours, my mind was struggling to put my entire life into perspective and kept pondering on. What bothered me the most was that everything said that night wasn't anything new. So how come I felt that something was different this time...? How come it all felt so uncomfortable and uneasy...? Terrifying, even...? It's all a vicious cycle of repetitive actions that keeps spiraling you down and that it takes self-reflection and dedication to get out... How hard would it be to change your mannerisms and thoughts to something that actually contributed to your own happiness? It always seemed impossible from which ever perspective I was looking at. And while I wasn't happy, it still created a safe routine where everything felt familiar. Changing that routine was scary, not knowing what it would bring if I did... So why did I needed this change, after all these years...? And what would actually be different this time from the many attempts I've tried before...? But more importantly, how..?

I defined my life by past experiences for so long which eventually led to nowhere many years later... There were quite a few things I wasn't able to change and it was too late to change the things I did had influence on back then... That was the realization I had that morning... That's why it was so mind numbingly distressing... Knowing I was able to change certain things but didn't out of insecurity, fear or for simply being oblivious... But now I did realize it and that is also why the need for a drastic change in my life outweighed the need for familiarity and a safe routine... And breaking that vicious cycle that Alex mentioned seemed so much more difficult then I thought... But then came the realization that I already started to break that cycle I was in... I didn't went home that evening when I went to that support group, like I usually did... That evening, I took a first step outside the circle by attending the support group instead and it was something that was way out of my comfort zone... Sure, it was difficult and confronting while not having shared much but it was a start... If I stayed put in my safe zone, nothing would ever change, which is why I had to do this... It would be a long road to follow, difficult to come to terms with my past and grievances and would bring many uncertainties along with it... I didn't know what the future would bring or how it all would turn out... And I certainly had no idea how to pull through... Whatever it might've had in store for me, nothing was set in stone, knowing it was never too late to make a change in my life one step at a time, taking each day as it comes... But I had no idea how... There was only one thing that was different that night: I finally realized I wasn't alone and I didn't have to do this on my own... So here I was again, presented with another opportunity, staring at the metaphorical threshold... The door wasn't closed this time nor fully open but it was ajar now... And even though I didn't go through it just yet, I felt the need to at least take a peek... Because after all, who knew what I'd find on the other side...?