It's Always Sunny In Liberty City - The Gang Comes Back
Disclaimer: This is not an RP in the guise of a story; it's just in script format to make it easier to read what each character is saying. Also, various copyrighted names are used, and blah blah blah, I don't claim ownership of them, all usernames were used with permission, and Liberty City and anything else from the GTA universe belongs to Rockstar Games and whatnot. So enjoy! Or don't. But if you don't, you're probably an aging hippy douche who can't come to terms with his mortality and thus can't find any enjoyment in life and thus feels that everyone else should be as miserable as you. ^^
Character List and Abreviations
ArcticWolf451/AW- Kyle
NightWolfz/NW- Jon
Product59/P59- Reuben
Sylvr- Jim
Yukigo Kurosaki/Yuki- Daniel
Middle Park East, Liberty City - 5:25 P.M.
And so, with our heroes departed to San Andreas, a blue fox by the name of Yukigo Kurosaki moves into their old penthouse, and since said penthouse was still heavily damaged, he got it for a really good price.
Yuki- Holy crap...what the hell happened in here?
Huang Lee - Ohr, rast tenants brohw up hoter room, then reave wiff their stuff and no pay. I get screwed!
Yuki- Ouch, that sucks. But thanks for giving it to me for only $250 a week man, I couldn't find anything else below $500 that wasn't only one room.
Lee- Yeah whatevah yoo say. Just no use kitchen stove. Gas main no fixed.
Yuki- That sounds kinda serious. Are you sure it's safe for me to live here?
Lee- Ohr yah, just no use stove until repair man fix tomorrow.
Crash comes from down the hall
Lee- Ach, my stewpid nephew. CHAN! WHAT THE HERR YOO DOING? STOP THROWING TENANT'S SHUTE-CASES! Leaves to go inspect what Chan is doing
Yuki - Ugh, with a landlord like that it's no wonder the last guys here trashed this place. Starts getting unpacked Damn it, where'd I put my Xbox and...
Hears the roar of jet engines approaching
Yuki- What the heck is that??? Looks out window to see rapidly approaching F-15. OH MY GAH...
F-15 CRASHES INTO PENTHOUSE...but somehow remains completely intact and doesn't blow up, thus leaving the front half of the plane jutting into the apartment.
ArcticWolf451 - Opens F-15 cockpit and steps out to be greeted with the CSI Miami opening theme Schweet, I got in on the first try!
Sylvr- Dang it Kyle, we were halfway to San Andreas, did we really have to come back here just to get your Nintendo DS?
AW- It's got my copy of Grand Theft Auto Chinatown Wars in it dude, no way am I leaving it here for some street jockey to steal and sell on the corner.
Yuki- Ugh, OMG! Who the hell are you...wait...Kyle?
AW- Daniel? What are you doing in my penthouse?
Yuki- Your penthouse? You mean you were the one who blew this place up?
AW- No, actually that was Jon who did that when he left a can of stove cleaner inside the oven while making some pot brownies.
Yuki- Oh, well I guess that makes sense. Where's Jon now?
Jet engines approach again, except this time the crash it two floors above.
AW- Cell phone rings Hello? What? Oh so that was you. Yeah you're two floors too high man, we're on level 58, not 60. Hangs up Uh, Yuki you can get up off the floor you know.
Yuki - Still shaking Gawd! What is with you people? And how can you just crash an F-15 into the building without it exploding?!?
AW- Mad skills.
Sylvr- Word.
Yuki- ???????????????
Lee- Re-enters WHAT THE HERR WAS THE EXPROSION AND...ohr no. Not yoo peoper again.
AW- Hey Mr. Lee! Sorry to bother you again, I just forgot my Nintendo DS and had to come back for it before I finished fleeing to the West Coast.
Lee- Looks over at F-15 AAARRRGGHH! YOU BREAK HORE IN MY WAHR AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS DO TO MY INSURANCE PREMIUM?
AW- Oooooh, yeah that probably would make them skyrocket. Anyway...I'll just head over and get my DS and be outta here before you know it. Goes off to his room
NightWolfz and Product59 then enter
NW- 'ey Sylvr, how'd you guys know to crash into this floor?
Lee- Ohr gawd, not him too.
NW- Mr. Lee? Hey! I see your arm is doing a lot better.
Lee- I SPEND FIVE GRAND AT HOSPITAR TO GET SURGERY! WHY YOU HAVE TO SHOOT MY ARM YOU STUPID MUTT!
NW- As I recall, you threatened to call the cops on us after Sylvr drove his truck off the neighboring roof and into the penthouse.
Sylvr- That was still worth it! I haven't seen anything that extreme since Jackass 3-D.
P59- Where's Kyle anyway?
AW- Voice heard from down the hall SONUVA... Walks into living room Mr. Lee, did you do something with my Nintendo DS?
Lee- No, but my stewpid nephew probabry selr it at pawn shop to help pay for new Praystation 3.
AW- WHAT? That little fucker!
NW- Nice goin' Kyle. You had us fly halfway across the country for nothing.
P59- Not to mention that we don't have enough money to gas up the jets for another cross country flight. And how are we gonna get them outta here anyway?
AW- It'll be fine, we'll back 'em slowly after get some more gas.
Sylvr- And how are we gonna afford said gas?
P59- I still got my AA-12; want to just rob Yuki and Mr. Lee?
AW- You're still carrying that thing?
P59- IT'S AN AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN! YOU DON'T EVER LET GO OF IT.
NW- But it's not even loaded! You wasted all the ammo on those Chinese hookers in the nightclub.
P59- Oh way to go Jon, now there's no way we're gonna be able to rob them now.
Yuki- You guys are retarded.
Lee- CHAN! GET MY SHOTGUN NAOW YOO INBRED YUTZ!
AW- Whoa whoa whoa, just calm down. We don't want any trouble now.
Lee- Yoo break giant hore in my wahr! Yoo already bring troubre.
AW- Well look, what's the cost of the damages?
Lee- Foh-ty five tho-sand dorrah.
AW- Holy! There's no way I can pay that!
Sylvr- Why not? You're a well respected and known author on SoFurry. Surely you've got some money lying around from that.
AW- Normally the answer would be yes. Buuuuuuut, the police froze all my assets after I went to jail, and since I'm still on the run from the cops I can't exactly access my bank account now can I?
P59- How did we evade the cops anyway?
Yuki- I heard on the news that you guys just disappeared somewhere over Pennsylvania.
P59- And the cops didn't bother to come after us?
Yuki- Psh, are you kidding? With all the budget cuts the government's been making the police barely have enough money for real guns.
P59- Bazzinga!
AW- Okay, so we dropped our 6-star wanted level. That still doesn't help the fact that Mr. Lee here could just call the cops on our butts.
Sylvr- Maybe we could do some work for him to pay for the damages and hospital bills?
AW- Uh, right. Like we'll be able to earn 45,000 dollars by washing windows and helping move furniture out of the building.
Lee- Yoo be surprised. I may just have job for lawress gweilo rike yoo.
Sylvr- Seriously?
P59- Dude! You look like you're fresh off the boat, you can barely speak English, and...
Lee- Draws Glock
P59- ...you have a gun. Nice.
Chan- Enters holding shotgun Alright I find shotgun Uncle. What should I do now?
Lee- Shut fuck up, Chan. Go back to getting dead rat carcasses out of tenants' kitchens.
Sylvr- Did he just say there are dead rats in the kitchens? looks around quickly
AW- Okay, obviously there's more than meets the eye with you Mr. Lee.
Lee- Damn straight! How yoo think I afford expensive hoter beerding in downtown district?
AW- You know I was too busy trying to get my stories done to actually consider that.
NW- And don't forget the part about me shooting him. ^_^
Lee- Yes, I no forget that. Yoo rucky I need stoopid muscle to correct insurance money from rocal businesses I protect.
Sylvr- He's running an insurance scam? Gawd, is everyone in this city part of the Mob?
Lee- I NO MOB! I Triad! Much better than yoo Western fucks! We no scroo 'round! Now shut fuck up and go get money. Hands a piece of paper with addresses of local businesses that owe protection money to Arctic Here, yoo go and collect five hundred dorrah from each of those.
AW- How? I don't have car or anything.
Lee- Yoo take my nephew's car. It seat arr four o' yoo. In trunk yoo find basebarr bats and taser. If business no pay up yoo beat shit out of owner, yo'kay?
P59- Works for me.
Lee- Good. Be back here in two hou-ah with money ohr I corr cops to get you for busting hore in my wahr again! Leaves with Chan.
AW- Great. Alright guys lets go. Yuki, you coming?
Yuki- Uhh, no I think I'll finish unpacking.
P59- Wait, what's Daniel doing here anyway? He barely makes 20 grand a year, how can he afford a place like this?
Yuki- Actually I just published my Chakat series and it's Liberty City Times bestseller. I'm here to celebrate and uh...yeah. That's about it.
Sylvr- Sounds boring.
Yuki- Yeah well...
Yuki's cell phone sitting on the kitchen table beeps
AW- Picks up cell phone Hey you got a text from someone. "Srry I'm l8t, b there by 7:30. Make sure u hav yor $$$ ready up front. ;)"
Everyone looks a Yuki
Yuki - Flattens ears What?
Sylvr- Snickers
P59 Also snickers
NW-Glares Daniel....
Yuki- No, it's not what it looks like!
AW- You mean you aren't hiring an expensive prostitute to yiff during your vacation?
Yuki- NO! That's a message from my Domino's guy.
P59- Bullshit! I've never had Dominos take two hours to deliver a pizza.
Yuki- Yeah well you've probably never lived in Liberty City either.
P59- True.
AW- Shaddup, both of you. C'mon let's go collect our dough before Mr. Lee shows back up.
NW- I call shotgun!
Sylvr- Damn it! Flattens ears in annoyance
Ten Minutes Later in Chan's Admiral Sedan
AW- Okay, looks like we got a dive bar and a dry cleaner to shake down. Reuben, you come with me to the bar. Jim, you and Jon take care of the dry cleaner.
NW- Wait, why can't I go with you to shake down the bar owner?
AW- Because you'll just steal all the beer and start a bar fight when the patrons try to keep you from walking out with it. Plus, everyone knows you go insane the second you knock back as little as one can.
NW- >.<
Everyone exits the car
P59- Opens trunk Okay, looks like we got two baseball bats and a 50,000 volt stun gun.
Sylvr- Takes a bat Alright I'll take one of the bats. Arctic you grab the other one and give Jon the taser.
AW- Uhh, I don't think that's such a good idea.
NW- Shut up! I know how to use a freakin' taser, sheesh. It's not brain sur- ZAP! OW! No, don't look at me like that! It's Reuben's fault for handing it to me while his finger was on the button.
Sylvr- I'm more curious as to how you're still conscious after suffering a jolt like that.
NW- Me too. Although I can't feel my skin...and my penis feels like it's trying to suck itself inside me and climb into my stomach.
AW, Sylvr, P59- ............
AW- Ooookay. Anyway, let's get to work. Jim you take the car and head down to the dry cleaners with Jon, and then come back here to pick me and Reuben up.
Sylvr- Got it. Gets in car with Jon and drives off
AW- Okay, c'mon Reub let's go inside and shake this guy down for the money.
P59- Actually you can do that. I'm heading to the Jon and taking a serious leak. I haven't had a break since we touched down to refuel back in Kansas.
Arctic and Product enter the dive bar
P59- Heads back to Men's room and finds it's mostly full, but there is thankfully one free urinal Ahh, perfect. unzips
Random Dude- Enters bathroom and notices all urinals are full Aw c'mon! Er, fuck it. Hey buddy, scoot over a bit.
P59- Huh, hey what the hell are you doing?!?!
RD- I'm sharing this urinal with you, what's it look like?
P59- Sharing? Uh, no. No way.
RD- C'mon, it's not like it's gay or anything.
P59- Of course not, it's perfectly normal for two straight guys to have their dicks out in their paws...or in your case hands...and be standing two inches away from each other.
RD- Oh grow up.
P59- Why don't you just go use a stall, there's an empty one right over there.
RD- What, and look like some sort of self-conscious douche who's too scared to use a urinal?
P59- No, you'd look like a considerate guy who doesn't try to steal urinals.
RD- Look, buddy, I think I know what this is about.
P59- What?
RD- It's nothing to be ashamed of, a lot of men have this problem. Plus whenever I whip out the ol' monster here, everyone in the room feels like they got a tic-tac between their legs. Unzips and takes out member See what I mean?
P59- FALCON PUNCHes the Random Dude
RD- Passes out cold
P59- Now, back to business.
Dive Bar Owner- But I told you, I only got $85 in the register!
AW- Look pal, either you pay up your insurance money, or I'm gonna bust every bottle you got behind that counter, got it?
DBO- Okay okay! Here I think I got some money stashed in my office for when I need to buy some potassium cyanide to take out rival mob lieutenants who drink here.
AW- Good. I'll wait here.
P59- Rushes out of the bathroom over to Arctic Uh we need to leave, NOW.
AW- But I haven't gotten the money yet.
P59- Screw the money dude, I just accidently punched out a Mafia boss's son!
AW- WHAT? How the eff did you manage to do that?
RD- Bursts out of bathroom holding a Glock You motherfuckah! I'm gonna shoot your balls off! Discharges several rounds, shattering the storefront windows
Bar Patrons- OH MY GOD, HE'S GOTTA GUN! Panic ensues
AW- Wow, this seems familiar.
P59- Except this time I don't have my AA-12.
Meanwhile in the back office
DBO - Alright, there's $500, plus a beer laced with some cyanide. That'll teach that ignorant fuck to threaten me and...Hears gunshots What the hell? Walks out to find Mob Boss's Son shooting at Arctic and Product Hey what the hell are you doing?!?!
MBS- I'm teaching those ignorant fucks what happens when you mess with the Pegarino family!
DBO- Oh. Well go right ahead and...
MBS- Oh hey, I'll take that beer.
DBO- Um, no actually this one is for that wolf over there, let me get you a new one...
MBS- Fuck that, why should I have to wait for him? Points gun at Dive Bar Owner and takes beer bottle
DBO- Oh god...
MBS- Glug glug glug Ahh, that was refresh...ing. Ugh, damn that kinda burns on the way down. Is this domestic?
DBO- Uhh....no.
MBS- That explains it and HURRRKKK! Vomits blood and dissolved remains of his digestive organs onto the floor
AW- Peaks from behind an overturned table Wow, nice going man. I'd have never thought to put some poison in his drink.
DBO- Uhh, right. Yeah, that's exactly what I did and...oh god, that's Tommy Pegarino! SHIT! I'm fucked now! When word gets out that I killed Jerry's kid he'll have more hitmen on my ass than...something with hitmen on its ass!
P59- Clever.
AW- Don't worry man, we're your protection now. You'll be alright.
DBO- Fuck that, I'm getting outta here while I can!
AW- Whatever man. C'mon Reuben let's get back to the street and wait for Jon to show up.
Meanwhile.....
Cop - Sir, you can't park your car here. This space is reserved for disabled drivers only.
NW- I'll have you know I am disabled!
Cop- Oh yeah, where's your blue parking sticker?
NW- Lost it.
Cop- Uh huh. So how are you impaired?
NW- Well officer...reads nametag is that Jenkins?
Cop- Yes.
NW- Well officers Jenkins, I'll have you know that I'm blind.
Cop- ..................
NW- What?
Cop- You're seriously gonna try telling me you're blind.
NW- I'm wearing sunglasses aren't I?
Cop- You drove a car, and you read my name.
NW- Oh...daw crap. Bangs head on steering wheel
Sylvr- Enters passenger side of car Okay, I got the money let's go.
Cop- What money?
Sylvr- Oh shit. How long has he been standing there?
Cop- Both of you please step out of the car for me, okay?
Sylvr- Great. Gets out
NW- Uhhh, I can explain....
Cop- Save it and get out of the car.
NW- Okay okay, fine. And...uh oh.
Cop- What?
NW- I can't find my wallet! Jim did you take it when you went in to collect our protection money?
Cop- Protection money? Alright that's it, you two are going downtown.
Sylvr- Damn it Jon! Places paws behind back as officer starts to cuff him
NW- Gets cuffed too Aww, c'mon! I didn't do anything! Jim is the one who broke the store owner's knees.
Sylvr- I did not! He paid up...I mean he didn't do anything, we're here to drop off Jon's pants.
NW- But I'm still wearing them...
Sylvr- Bangs head against car You fucking cunt.
Cop- Alright both of you just shut up while I search your car.
NW- Never! I won't be put down by the man. I can break these cuffs!
Cop- You can't break those cuffs.
NW- *Tries to break cuffs*nnnnnGGGGYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH!
Cop- ........
NW- Pants Ow, ow, fuck. That hurt.
Sylvr- What the hell made you think that would work?
NW- I dunno, I saw something on Cops where a guy tried that and...oh wait it didn't work for him either. Damn it.
Cop- Searching car Hey, what the hell...how did you idiots get a military grade stun gun?
NW- I don't know, ask the Chinese guy we work for.
Sylvr- Jon you idiot! You don't rat out the boss, he'll kill us!
NW- Oh relax, it's not like anyone will be able to find a building with a pair of F-15s jutting out of it.
Cop- You two are the ones who did that?!
NW- Crap, I did it again didn't I.
Sylvr- >.<
Cop- Alright, well after I get you two to jail I'll make sure we send a SWAT team to pick up your friends in Middle Park. But first picks up taser, only for it to malfunction and discharge GAH! Passes out
NW- Aha! I knew that thing was defective!
Sylvr- Great, he's down. Now c'mon we gotta get outta here before he wakes up!
NightWolfz and Sylvr take off running with their paws still cuffed behind them
AW- Gawd, what is taking them so long?
P59- Fuck this, we could've walked home by now.
AW- Wait...is that them running down the sidewalk?
Sylvr- Kyle! Dude hold up.
AW- Where the hell have you been? And where's that car? And why are you handcuffed?
Sylvr- Jon got us busted for parking in a handicap spot.
AW-EPIC FACEPALM
NW- It's not my fault there's 70 million cars in this city, and only enough spaces for half of them. What was I supposed to do?
AW- Just...just...
P59- Cops!
AW- FUUUUHHHHH!
Sylvr- Cheese it!
NW- This isn't a time for Cheese Its Jim, just run!
The gang makes their way through the crowd of pedestrians as they rush back to the penthouse while the cops get caught up in traffic
Meanwhile... back in the Penthouse
Yuki- On the phone What do you mean I can't get my money back? She didn't even show up on time, and now I have friends over and I can't have them seeing her here.
Lee- Bursts into room Hey, that hore still in here?
Yuki- NO! NO WHORE! NO WHORE! There's no prostitutes in here, I swear. Quickly hangs up phone
Lee- Huh? What in herr you tarking 'bout? I told Chan to fix those damn hores your stupid friends make when they crash pranes into building.
Yuki- Oh...uh...right right, I knew that.
Lee- I no get why yoo worked up about whore though. Whole 12th froor giant bathhouse firred with underage Swedish girls.
Yuki- o_o
Arctic and company then enter
Lee- Ah, good you guys back right on time. Where my money?
AW- Yo, here's my and Reuben's cut. But Jim and Jon didn't quite get theirs.
Lee- WHAT? HOW THE HERR DO YOU FUCK THIS UP? It's simple birr correction, not fucking meth rab! And...what the herr is that? Is that porice sirens?
Sylvr- Oh crap, they followed us back didn't they?
Lee- Ugh, yoo stupid Americans! Wait here, I go bribe cops to reave. Then when I get back I dear with you two points to Jon and Jim before leaving
NW- Quick, get back in planes!
AW- They have no gas dude, we can't go anywhere.
NW- Bullcrap! There has to be at least some fuel in there!
Sylvr- Forget it man, it's not gonna happen. But, while we're at it we might as well push them out of the hole in the wall. I mean look at that thing, it's totally ruining the room's aesthetics.
AW- He's right, c'mon guys give me a hand with this thing.
Everyone save for Yuki starts pushing the F-15
Yuki- Uh, guys, where's that thing gonna land when it comes out?
AW- Say what? OH SHIT, hold up!
P59- Too late!
F-15 tilts back a bit and then finishes falling out the side of the building
AW & Sylvr - Stick heads out of hole and watch plane fall to street below
P59- This is going to be a shame...
Lee- Here, I write check for 10,000 dorrah, yoo no come inside okay?
Police Colonel- Look pal, it's a bribe, not a tip. When the N.O.O.S.E. team gets called its 50 Gs or nothing, got it?
Lee- But I already write check!
PC- So use another one, god. They're not that expensive to replace.
Lee- Gard damn Americans, rand of opportunity my ass and...
F-15 lands in street, exploding on impact and destroying the gathered N.O.O.S.E. vans and police cruisers, as well as killing all the cops and dozens of pedestrians
Lee- HORY SHAT! Those stupid Americans and their... looks down to notice the Police Colonel has been decapitated by a flying bumper Ohr, sweet. Rooks rike those Americans were good for something after arr.
7:28 P.M., as in later that night while watching college football and eating Dominos pizza.
AW- Well, looks like we're stuck here until we can pay off Mr. Lee.
Yuki- What do you mean here? It's my name on the lease. This is my penthouse now.
AW- Whatever.
Yuki- No, I mean you guys can't stay here.
AW- What? Why not!?
Yuki- Uh, let's see. You flew two planes into the building, one of which is still stuck in the 60th floor. You almost got arrested, and you murdered dozens of police officers and innocent bystanders.
AW- And you find these to be reasons for not letting us stay here?
Yuki- Yes. Furthermore...
Doorbell
P59- I got it. Walks over to door and opens it to reveal a red furred vixen in a pink tank top and black mini-skirt. Uhh, hi.
Vixxxen- Are you Yuki? Sorry I'm late, my last client lost the keys to his handcuffs and I got stuck at his place until the frickin' locksmith showed up.
P59- 'eh Yu-KAY! Your call girl is here.
Yuki- Spits out mouthful of Dr. Pepper
AW- Oh dear god.
Vixxxen- Um, is this not a good time? Cause I can come back and...
NW- Suddenly comes up behind Vixxxen and clubs her in the back of the head with a tire iron
Yuki- Jesus! What the hell Jon!
NW- Yuki, if there's one thing I know, prostitutes are the surest way to hell. That, and I can smell a raging case of herpes on her.
AW- Wow, you gotta good nose Jon.
NW- ^_^
P59- Great, so now we got a dead hooker bleeding on the floor. What do we do?
AW- The hole in the wall is right there isn't it?
NW- Drags hooker across floor and chucks her corpse out the hole Alright, now to just get some paper towels to mop up the blood.
Sylvr- Hey bring the extra bottle of Mountain Dew while you're at it.
AW- Saunters over to Yuki Alsoooooo....looks like me and my friends get to stay here.
Yuki- Huh? Why?
AW- Cause. If you don't want me or them telling your parents that you hired a call girl, you'll let us stay here.
Yuki- Fiiiiiiine.
AW- Also, I just texted Mr. Lee, and he's agreed to put my name back on the lease since I brought him his protection money.
Yuki- Sonuva...!
P59- Shut up! World's Dumbest Shoppers 4 is on TruTV.
Yuki- flattens ears in annoyance I'm gonna kill you Arctic.
AW- Whatever. In the meantime, go get some Resolve and help Jon get the blood outta the carpet.
End theme from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia plays as credits roll over the screen as we see NightWolfz and Yuki trying to clean the blood off the floor, and Yuki being visibly grossed out by it