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Another psychological field I found yesterday, and ouch...

This one really, really hurts.

Had plenty of time looking at Me'Zelf's form, and it created a gap in my mind. The same overwhelming elements never disappeared, but became more organised and clearly presented. To the point that it seemed to draw the attention of others. It was highly contradictory, considering that I never got a proper sense of comfort when expressing it, except the moment where it was finally liberated from my mind.

From yesterday, I found myself a new psychological field. The Attachment Styles Theory, which had physical observations done from a popular test known as "The Strange Situation". It was something related to upbringing and parenting. And from prior knowledge about trauma and upbringing, I just quickly dived into this field and found a convincing test. The results though... It wasn't nice. It brought hurt much more than relief, to the point that just getting stoned.

OUCH.

This clearly explained the inner madness I had realised within the last year, but much more. It also revealed how past trauma could be translated into subsequent generations, and uncovered extremely unpleasant memories that finally had explanations. This gaping tear in my depths that created this dissociated sense of identity, and the unexplained fear for intimacy. Or should say, I personally just don't know what even intimacy is.

The Attachment Theory initially had 3 classifications, which only one is the best scenario:

Secure. The only one that is complete.

Dismissing. Low anxiety levels, but with high avoidance. Resistance when assured.

Anxious. High anxiety levels, but with low avoidance. Clingy for assurance.

But there was an extreme, where both are at high levels.

Disorganised / Disorientated / Fearful.

This single classification is rare, to the point that it wasn't even properly researched compared to the rest of the field. The classical symptom was something I was all too familiar with, to the point that it was natural for me to display it even in drawing. That conflicted and dazed expression when faced with uncertainty. The disorientation was extremely clear, something even noticeable when presented in The Strange Situation test.

The reactions were extremely unpredictable and volatile, due to the scale of inner conflict not even fully visible on the surface. It displays traits of both the Dismissing and Anxious traits, which were actually conflicting with each other. That created a polarising gap within, and potentially fragmenting one's personality into pieces. That was because one never had a proper attachment to build the personality from, to begin with.

The young days...

Were extremely unstable and unpredictable, I admit. I did remember countless instances where I would just bury my face into arms while sitting at a desk, and cried into dehydration through extremely long periods. Even if my parent did finally attend, the comfort did not come. Things were further exacerbated through the upbringing environment, which was really rough most of the way through.

A day-care location I had, the only memory I had was having an ok meal with a type of tofu soup, having an interest with the baby rocking machine, and the rest was that huge black shadow of an Indian man that was strict, violent, and abusive. Looking back at then, I did not even know that I was controlled by fear to obey. Despite always trying to explore with an insatiable curiosity, these did put me into some really strange situations to the point that it now still gives me confusion.

And a lot of pain through rattan canes and feather dusters through our traditional disciplinary activities, pinching, smacking, Idunnowhat gibberish which was probably verbal abuse, arguments, fighting, grounding, locked away in secluded places, too many to list. But most of all that was clearly revealed in this discovery, it once again revealed that inner void I struggled to fill in, yet never able to do it on my own no matter how I've tried.

There was no foundation of security.

Our local traditional culture of upbringing was to control young individuals through punitive measures, which this lasted all the way until the end of my teens. During this whole time, I was extremely unstable. It only got worse when entering the rebellious age, and I just started questioning why I was unable to do anything that could please anyone. I always tried to follow what others said, but there was just this overwhelming force of rejection.

And yea, that episode of years where the breaking point was faced again and again, including those experiences with "That One". The traits of Anxious Attachment were prevalent within the childhood stage, but the heavy mental struggle stage during the rebellious stage brought in clear traits of the opposing Dismissive Attachment. It was fine for a few years, where the Dismissive Approach allowed my adaptability in National Service and after, but the pandemic brought out my true nature...

Became dissociated and indeed, disorganised. The fear of abandonment became incredibly clear, replaying those memories and warped nightmares during that night for the first time in years. The scarring was indeed brought to the extreme, when that scene of memory was replayed TWICE by "That One" already. The most recent only happening earlier this year. It was clear that the trauma never disappeared, only hidden away. And I was still trying to ignore it.

The inner demon, Si. The past remained my greatest enemy.

Due to connections with other field of psychoanalysis I had in all the previous months, this theory wasn't hard to understand at all. Already predicted that there was a correlation between parental upbringing, environmental influences, and the cycle of unresolved trauma. Also, with experience with the Enneagram, it wasn't surprising that this theory actually had connections with the it. And assuming that if cognitive MBTI was valid was a base preference, it all made further sense that this Attachment Theory also uncovers the past of an individual like the Enneagram...

Besides... It wasn't hard to determine the Attachment styles of my family members. My parent is a Dismissal type that only recently turned Secured (likely due to my interactions with her the past year), my brother is likely a Secured type too. "That One" is a clear Anxious type, and the one that I'm actually also worried with, was my sister likely being an Anxious or even Disorganized... She also had that unpredictable fluctuation, but not as pronounced as what I experienced...

My brother was probably the most fortunate within the family, being relatively free of such issues in his upbringing. I do have abit of an attachment towards him, and a solid Secured stance towards my parent, as she was the only one that ever brought me assurance, even if extremely rare in the past. The attachment was strengthened within the last year, as I managed to bring clarity to her resented past in that rainy night. That night was a significant change.

But now being isolated from that, another perspective of anxiety kicked in. Something picked up all the way from childhood. The external environment of upbringing. That Anxious stance I had in childhood, were causing huge problems as I was sent to completely unfamiliar environments unwillingly. Those tuition classes where I would just struggle and cry all the way into the very first class, and seemingly making a drama and fuss that no one understood.

It was carried into school, where the alienation kicked in. I was constantly trying to escape that fear by doing all sorts of weird interests, and somehow becoming a parenting figure for other weird and younger individuals. I was rejecting the social structure, without knowing why. Then the neglect, escapism, game addiction, mental struggles, threats of abandonment, more physical pain or scars, bullying, name-calling, fights, arguments, and more instances of just unknowingly tearing in bed.

Then yea, the Dismissal stance was built up in early adulthood, through National Service.

Next up though, was the worry of my sister. From experience, I'm aware that emotional trauma would scar her more deeply as a feeler MBTI type, and considering recent incidents. She also had the unfortunate incidents of developing distrust towards society, although maybe not on that same intensity of what I had, which was to the point of frustration leaking in when touching on the topic. I couldn't tell how much she felt as she rarely revealed anything through the classical Fi fashion.

If it was the worst-case scenario, it would be obvious how her experiences would be.

Rough.

AS HELL.

And worse, not expecting that it would scar that deeply to the point of not being able to shake off.

Even if forgotten, it would always come back when in extreme stress.

For an Fi user, it would hurt even more due to the natural self-awareness.

For me, it was manifested as an image rather than the raw emotions.

That inner child, in the symbol of Me'Zelf.

That's also why I just don't understand. Why do people like the character appearance or even have interests in it? It's a manifestation of all my struggles in the past, not an idealised self at all. Yes, the manifestation of Me'Zelf does increase my self-awareness and gave the ability to rationalise the reasons behind why I'm this madman today, but I just don't understand what others think about the newest appearance... Those were battle scars, fuelled with pain to constantly battle that fear.

Yet it also constantly reflected that inner simplistic animal desire for affection. Put that with the Ego represented in White (or I don't know what name to put), it resulted in this paradoxical stance that could easily play Devil's Advocate with extremely contradictory perspectives. And every time single time I broke down, it would always come to the very same thing again and again. There was no foundation for affection. That inner loneliness that might just never be understood by anyone.

Again and again in my drawing. Even the past two introductions to Me'Zelf's existing forms. The grey wyvern was accompanied by that chaotic mental struggle, and the Avali form was accompanied by a recreated scene. However, the Avali form reflected it much clearer than the previous, as the flashback just continued to increase in clarity. Even if displayed in scribbled images, the intent was a clearly recognisable explanation for his persistent form.

The animal desire for affection, hence the feral wyvern form with no hands. The forms closer to human form were actually components by White, or my very own ego. But even so, it was extremely conflicted to the point that a solid sense of self just doesn't seem to even be there. It's just that overwhelming intensity in the eyes, which becomes a conflicted daze when faced with a troubling situation. And another significant trait...

That ALL OR NOTHING intensity. That BLACK AND WHITE.

COGNITIVE DISTORTION.

It was something that developed during the teens, when the Attachment style manifested. Even if I don't know what my baby or toddler memories were, I think things were pretty obvious. That inconsistent or unstable environment, where there was a constant switching of caretakers as my parents were working to earn the bread. It was an irony that a Secured Attachment only developed recently, but it still wasn't something that would heal this overnight...

A mistake I made, without realising the realistic notion that something accumulated over 2 decades wouldn't just heal overnight. Realisations were different from healing, as they are actually only the start of the healing process. It might be true that I'm in the healing process, but I now think that it would take more than just another year. Considering how dark the shadow was, where even survival was threatened. That day of uncontrolled pure rage, was an obvious impingement on that fear.

That strong perfectionism and the silent inner critic manifested into my ego, was a product of this overwhelming black hole of past failures. The more past failures I accumulated without any reassurance, the heavier it got. No one has ever sincerely told me that "you have done enough". Watched a professional psychoanalyst describing her experiences, and a phrase created an intense inner conflict as I just became dazed with tears flowing.

"THOSE POOR CHILDREN."

That sense of rejection was so strong, to the point that I just shut down on that part. Deep down, I was in a double-bind situation. Just stoned and dazed, and eyes wide open with tears leaking. I couldn't even control them at all, despite trying to. That image of a crying child appeared in my head, and it also instantly destroyed the illusion of public perception by the popular media. The Disorganised Attachment Style wasn't as simple as it seemed.

It ACTUALLY HURTS. Like HELL.

Another image came into my head, reflecting my stoned expression yet contradicted by tears coming from wide-opened eyes. In my personal understanding, that was the definitive sign of such an unstable Attachment Style. Screw the generalisation by popular media. It was the same situation like MBTI, where things were made unrealistically mellow and superficial. It wasn't some simple sad soul needing love, but they have seen some real shit.

Those that they have an attachment towards, were also their source of fear.

They would freeze, and be force themselves to comply.

But the instability grows underneath until it completely destabilises their psyche.

And this also exposes them to significant mental and maladaptive issues.

As they gradually revert to simplistic and animalistic impulses.

All those fictional characters I had an interest with, were all displaying this very attachment style. Guts from Berserk, Stain from My Hero Academia, Garou from One Punch Man, Kaneki Ken from Tokyo Ghoul, these were all antihero stances. And many more, in fact too many to list. But always those that had a really rough background that warped their very soul or perceptions in any direction. They all had no one as a Secured Attachment, no foundation of reassurance.

STRUGGLERS.

All they really want, was to just drop that intensity.

Even if they aren't even aware about it.

But even if it was the most extreme type, it wasn't completely hopeless.

It was possible to heal from this. By understanding and unravelling the past. The reestablishment of Secured Attachments, even if late. It would require significant courage and determination to overcome that immense fear of the past, to see what they really want. Because it would require facing all that intense pain within the shadow, and that's only when they could see the answer. It would never be something solved instantly, as you would also need to change your reality...

There was also a sign that I was breaking the cycle of trauma. It was clear "That One" had his unresolved trauma, but just would never admit to reveal it. He was clearly afraid of me underneath, when I was starting to stand up against him during those days after so many years of abuse. But I also know where his fear was coming from, that his Attachment Style was just too obvious to see, and knowing about his past upbringing from my parent.

Despite being human with an ego, we still have such a basic animal instinct underneath.

That could be realised, through depersonalisation in good or even horrible ways...

And hello there, Me'Zelf.

A product of such an instance, a manifestation of an incredibly dense shadow.

Now holding that overwhelming fragment of void, in his new form.

Even until now, I still have that mental image displaying Me'Zelf in a form of rage. It wasn't pretty at all, and nearly no one even know what was actually behind that childlike vibe within his bright eyes which symbolised a fearful child. That wasn't something I would even want to draw, because I knew that it had manifested in reality already, those destructive impulses of rage. But being able to hold that back, also meant some form of control I was gradually earning through inner work...

Still a long way to go, I don't know how long. But this psychological field just added abit more tangibility to this inner void within. I do know roughly what I'm seeking for, and it added further clarity when couple with the recent drawing manifestations. Sure, it hurts... But it still didn't kill me. Seeing the end in despair and still surviving it... What that meant, would be up to the interpretation of others. I do not have to capacity to judge that.

I know better what I really want... I just want to drop this crazy intensity, and be at peace with everything that haunted me from the past. Seek that something I had never experienced, but longed for. And of course, that would be subjected to changing more than just my inner world, I had done everything I could with it already. The important part would be to change the external reality too, and that would never happen overnight. It's a process, or journey after all.

Trauma does continue through generations, if left unsolved.

It would only be overcome by understanding and determination.

The light would burn it up, finally setting it free.