Conversational Catch-Up
A poem I wrote a while ago about my anxiousness surrounding conversations that I find myself coming back to now and again for how perpetual a problem it is and how that still bothers me. Originally posted February 2021
Conversational Catch-up
By: A.X. Bueno
I sit and try to absorb the contents of a word filled screen
Sigh This shouldn't be so difficult, it should be simple and at this point routine
And yet here I am questioning myself and overthinking the lines between
Typing and retyping my response as I wonder whether my words are clear
Then I also wonder whether my message actually sounds good and sincere
Of course as I wonder this there's a distinct ping and another message appears
Leading me to re-contemplate and adapt what I'm saying all over again
With a bit of time I write out what I want to say and then
It's just a matter of hitting send
Occasionally for one reason or another I can forget even this stupidly simple task
Whether it's because I got too distracted or simply wanted to give someone else the chance to talk first
Sometimes I just don't want to say the wrong thing and risk slipping up in the virtual masque
When I'm not too preoccupied or simply overwhelmed I usually try to respond to those unanswered messages in one big burst
Despite my slowness and often hindering apprehension
Good conversation is actually something for which I thirst
Most of the time I just need a few minutes to think of the right thing to say and to ignore is never my intention
It can just be hard to keep up with the conversation sometimes
Even though I'm always pretty happy when I do, well most of the time
It's just hard to gauge a lot of the time if what I've said is good enough
I'm always worried especially when it gets too quiet that I've said too little or maybe too much
It's tough to know when you don't usually have any indication unless you straight up ask
I just worry there's times people see what I say as nothing but fluff
Of course all these thoughts and concerns carry over away from the screen too
Whenever I'm thinking of what to say next in the conversation this is all in my mind to stew
I guess it can't be helped too much
Spending too much time playing catch up can vary from a bizarre blessing to an annoying curse
But it all comes together better in the end, for the most part
Besides I can say from experience that silence and loneliness are so much worse