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Ya know, it's one thing to accept an offer to go have a good time with someone dear to you while you're at your lowest. A point where, desperate for some level of closeness you felt was just ripped away yet again, you're willing to agree to anything that might give you some vague substitute to fill that emotional pothole with cement.

It's another thing entirely to go through with it, it turns out.

So now that I'm sitting here, the bus slowly carrying me to a place packed full of people on a Saturday night, it's hard not to wonder if I've made some kind of mistake. Sure enough, this time at the pub'll be more focused than most of my outings... hell, the one person I'll have any plans to pay attention to is sitting right beside me, her hand keeping a gentle grip on mine as I stare out the window. Jill's been a saint about this; the last thing I expected anyone this close to me would do is try to comfort me, rather than take offense to... well, every last thing I'm feeling about Bone. We've yet to talk about it in more detail, but I get the feeling that'll be coming up on this outing, there's no avoiding that. All I want is to let this mess pass me by all over again, yet here I am. Desperation can really draw us out of our comfort zone, I guess...

Just as that thought concludes, I feel a light squeeze around my hand.

"We're just about there, Kylie... are you ready? Doing okay...?"

"Well, er... yeah. Well enough. We'll see how it goes, 'kay?"

"Alright... let me know if it gets to be too much, though. I don't know exactly what's wrong and what you can handle just yet. I-If you don't speak up... I can't help you."

"Heh, alright, alright, I getcha. You've got my word, Jill. I swear to ya." If only I could live up to that. Either way, the bus is here, like she said. Just glad the place is right by the bus stop, gives me less of a chance to back out. Things are a little crowded, but we manage to get a booth instead of a table; I could do with that slight feeling of privacy the tall, cushioned seats provide. Some starting drinks get ordered, mostly either water or tea. Even if I were feeling more energetic like usual, I don't wanna touch the hard stuff. Losing even a shred of control over what I'm presenting would make everything I care about fold like a house of cards, I'm sure of it.

"So, Kylie... d-did you wanna talk about what happened? About Miss Bonnie?"

"No, not really, but that's gonna come up no matter what I do, now..."

"Kylie... whatever's eating you about this, you can tell me. My lips are sealed. Not like I'd have the n-nerve to tell anyone else, you know?" She's really gonna keep playing dumb about this? All to be the concerned party? Gah, I just... all I can do is stare down into my drink. See a coward's face swimming in tea. Can't even look her in the eye for what's next.

"Hmph. Like you don't know."

"...and what does that mean, Kylie?"

"Come on. I find out where Bone is, skip Ladies' Night to go to her, and the first thing you hear on the phone is bawlin' and the fact that she's dating again? Not a lotta options there, Jill... I still don't get why you're not pissed about that."

"And I don't get why you fear the worst constantly, but that's part of why I'm here. Whatever's been keeping you like this, Kylie, it's... it's n-not okay. Which is why I want to hear it from you. Because right now? All this looks like is you constantly, constantly dodging the issue instead of facing it, and it's never going to get better until you do."

"...fine, then. I've known Bone since middle school. Pretty much my only real friend there. Who knows when it started, but by the time high school ended, I was down bad for her, just... she was the sweetest little thing. Didn't wanna risk anything, though, and college woulda shoved us together even harder. So I made sure I picked somewhere exclusive. Somewhere my honors could get me, somewhere Bone couldn't follow. And then, I... thought I'd move on. But I didn't. ...was that what you wanted to hear?"

"It's a start, at least. Thank you, Kylie." Bleh. Even just sayin' it all out loud is all... stomach-turning. Doesn't anyone get that there's no point to this? I've kept it all inside while taking the silver linings I can get for this long, and I'm just fine... right? I... I AM fine, yeah...? Yeah, I have to be. There's no other choice.

...although, why do I get the feelin' we're not alone here? Besides the general crowd of the pub, anyway.

"Oooh, out for a tender night, girls? Aw, that's just precious!" ...goddammit. Any other night, she'd just be a handful. Now? Charlotte's gonna make me into a basketcase.

"O-Oh... hi, Charlotte, Kylie and I were j-just... nothing."

"Hmmm~? Well, if you'd rather keep it all secretive, I'll not push, I assure you. Just out for what might as well be a solo night, myself." ...might as well be? The heck's that mean? She's even got a beer already, though she doesn't sound like she's hit it that hard yet. What's going on here...?

"So, uh... ya mean you were supposed to be here with someone, orrrrr...?"

"Oh, something like that, Kylie. Been trying to date around the office a bit, get back on the saddle, as it were. ...not that it's an obligation, but hey, whatever phrasing works. Tried a couple guys, both were okay, neither really had their heart in it, though. So, I thought I'd invite them both out this time for a little group excursion. ...as far as they needed to be concerned with, anyways."

"Hm? But then... w-where are they, Charlotte...?"

"Ohhhhoho, maybe take a peek at the bar... a badger and a rabbit might catch your eye, my star pupil." I start sweeping my gaze up and down the place, until I finally get a peek at what she's talkin' about. Sure enough, there's a pair of guys there, one badger, one rabbit, both well into middle age. Heck, the rabbit's fur's even greying a bit. They're chatting up a storm, occasionally raising their glasses to take another sip.

"'Kay, I see 'em, but what does that have to do with-" In the middle of that remark, the badger's hand found its way across the counter, then took a discreet dive, its final destination being the rabbit's thigh. It's a welcome gesture, too, I can see the guy leaning in a bit more after he feels it. Their talk has slowed down a lot, but it's not hard to guess what's on their minds. Wow.

"...oh. Huh. Well then. So, those two're...?"

"Gay as hell, but they're middle-aged sticks-in-the-mud who weren't going to move past whatever idea of dating they were raised on. That's a dry well for me, so... might as well give them an opportunity to get it through their thick skulls what they both want. And they've taken it, hook, line, and sinker."

"Okay, b-but... where does that leave you for tonight, Charlotte? W-Will you be alright...?"

"...nothing I'm not used to, Jill dear. I've been around the block and back. It's just my lot in life, or it feels like it."

"Gah... things not really goin' as far as you'd like, I take it?"

"Oh, that's just it, Kylie... they do. And then they end. For the best, but... I was definitely no help in making sure a ring gets on this finger and STAYS on."

"Do... do you mind if I-"

"Three."

"...what?" Before I can even process that, she takes a long swig from her mug. Oh boy...

"Three times. Every issue was different. Experience helps, yes... but if it's a whole new problem, it's not as much help as you'd like. Poor judge of character, fixed. Didn't help with keeping work and life in a better balance, and THAT didn't help with figuring out how to approach someone hurting with a tendency to lash out at half-hearted attempts to help. So I just... keep trying. But it's at least satisfying to get people paired off like this. Heh, those two'll have a good time through their middle ages, so long as they can make it work... and it goes without saying, but you two are one of my prouder moments, as well."

"Oh, C-Charlotte, I... well, fair enough, I suppose, but that's... well, thank you." Heh, there's that little red star again. Just can't help herself, and she's adorable all flustered like this. ...though, this whole situation is... hmm, maybe I can ask her something...

"That's nice and all, thanks, but uh... if I can ask, how do you... move on, I guess? You seem like you're doin' way better than- er, than some folks I've seen in that position."

"Hmmm... well, I'd say it has something to do with finding closure. Wherever you can get it. Most of those splits? They at least came with some understanding that it wasn't working for either of us. That we wanted the other to be better off. ...the first one less so, but it's a lot easier to just kick a sack of manure to the curb without regrets, I'd say. So these mystery persons of yours... they ought to find some understanding. Some little connection, an acknowledgement that after what's happened, they're better off. That's assuming they actually needed it to be over, though... in which case, a more open confrontation might do some good. It might not. But either way, they'll have it all out in the open. That's what I think, anyway."

"Okay. Who knows if they'll be open to that, but thanks anyways."

"Oh, it's no trouble. Now, I ought to let you two get back to your evening, you simply MUST be getting hungry after all that talk. You've made it clear that how you go forward with your situation with Bonnie is none of my business, anyways, so there's not much point to digging deeper."

"Yeah, guess I'm gettin' a little- wait, the heck did you say?!"

"...I'm serious, you know. Talk to her. No matter what happens, you won't be carrying that around anymore. I can ask that of you, but you're the one who has to follow through. Now, enjoy your evening away from that little issue. I'll keep my nose out of it... for the most part, dear~!" ...what just happened? She just... ran off, dropping that bomb behind her. What the heck???

"Well, I... I suppose that's one way to get our evening started. Do you feel like anything Kylie? She's right, I've kind of worked up an appetite..."

"Ya know what, sure thing, Jill. We'll get someone over here. I need my mind off all this, and a good meal on top of that." Getting someone's attention, we finally manage to order. At last, our evening can go a bit more smoothly.

Charlotte might've been right, but... I've kept carrying this for a decade now. And... I'm fine. I'm still fine. I have to be fine, so... I shouldn't have to break everything for that. It's more fragile than she knows, I think.

So then, what's another decade or two compared to that? Right...?

* *

The dinner after Bonnie's packing did me a world of good. Worried as I was about how I'd spend my time alone in the house and returning to work today, it turned out that the time we got to spend together was enough of a relief that Sunday passed in the blink of an eye, fully-relaxed, and Monday is set to go similarly, even with my remaining concerns beginning to rear their head as the end of the work day approaches. Nothing unusual today, but it does feel a bit draining to go back to the grind like nothing's happened. I don't have as clear of a goal to work towards anymore, so... just what can I push myself to focus this effort towards?

Distracted from the spreadsheets on my computer screen, I catch another glimpse of the picture of Bonnie and I that's framed just off to the side, in-between my computer and my general work area. It seems strange now, sitting there. It used to remind me of what working so tirelessly and getting our debts paid off would mean for us. Now? It just seems inappropriate. We're on fine terms, but the goal at the end of all this is gone now, not to mention she's found someone else, so it almost seems disrespectful to keep this here as a result. Finally acknowledging that, I reach out to gently set the picture down on its face, folding up the stand behind it. Rest, now. Maybe she'll find another way to get what she wanted so dearly, at Clover's side.

"Penn, I've got the last batch of the forms they wanted done today. I'd send them elsewhere, but frankly, I've had enough mishandlings of these forms from the others to last a- ...ah." Hm? It seems my contemplation left me unaware of the quick knock on my office door. And now, of course, Deanna's taking in the scene in front of her. Work done a bit slower than usual, the picture frame lowered, and who knows what else those emerald eyes are realizing. All while she's saddled with a ludicrous stack of different forms, clearly meant for multiple offices. A small comfort, knowing I'll only get a portion of this mess.

"So... a bit light on the jewelry today, Penn?" True, I've laid my ring to rest in the bedside drawer. Not much purpose for it now. Might as well give her the answer she's fishing for, or what I can manage in the time she's allotted for this delivery.

"Yes, well, things are a bit different now. I shouldn't be wearing that anymore, to put it lightly, Deanna."

"Excuse me? Why would you-"

"Later, Deanna. After work, most likely. I'd imagine you've got more pressing places to be than idling in my office." Though she's working hard to maintain that disciplined look in her posture, she's faltering a tad; she's confused, maybe a bit worried. I can't speak for the reasons, but perhaps she's concerned with her advice from Valentine's. As good a guess as any. I don't get much more time to wonder however, as a yell pierces through the din of office work.

"MISS FLORENCE!! Where are those forms?!"

"ON THEIR WAY, SIR! ...gah, impatient oaf. Fine, Penn. After work, then towards the usual place. 'Kay?"

"Perfect. Take care until then, Deanna." Well then... I suppose today's goal can be to have someone to talk to about all of this. And for that, I need these forms out of the way. Just tap into that energy from before... and begin.

Pen meets paper in a storm of ink, everything being set aside as it's completed. Signature here, proper referral office there, and some checkboxes for good measure. At my best, these sorts of forms can be filled on instinct, and that's exactly the kind of effort I find myself putting in at the moment, racing against the clock to reach my evening of wise counsel from my rodent comrade in the art of paper-pushing.

Everything done, and with minutes to spare. The proper motivation works wonders, as today and the past several years have proven. I'll need to work on finding a goal less temporary than a nice evening out, though. It'll be rough to keep up here without taking work home, otherwise. Everything set aside to be picked up by someone later, I head to the elevator, descend to the lobby, and take a seat, waiting for Deanna. She'll be flooded based on those piles they had her carting around, so there's no way she's finished before me. Knowing her, though, a few minutes of double-checking some files in my accordion is all it will take to... ah, right on time.

"What, found a second wind? That pile I saw was concerning, Penn, especially for your usual speed."

"You could say that. Now, I believe we had planned for a drink to discuss this over?"

"That we did, so... lead the way, Penn." Taking the time to straighten the short, frazzled strands of her blonde hair from what I can only assume was a marathon run around the offices, she takes a spot at my side as we begin to head down the street. Honestly, it's been a while since we've gone out for an after-work dinner, but I suppose I've been kept busy with all that's been happening at home. It's a lot to take in, with not much room left for thoughts of grand plans elsewhere.

Idle chatter accompanies our walk, thankfully lessening the sting of how it takes nearly twenty minutes to get here from the office building. Were it only so simple as there being a nearby bus stop, but the major ones on the routes just get further from the place. Unfortunate, but most often worth it by the end of the night. That clean, polished look to the wood and metal adorning the storefront, the low lighting and elegant decor complementing the gleaming wood counters and tables... all of it makes for some of the most relaxing time I could imagine in a public place. And as luck would have it, there's counter seats available for us; now, counsel is in session.

"First things first, Penn... rings of that sort don't just vanish from a finger without good cause."

"Oh, I'm aware. And the reason? Bonnie and I had more than a little falling out from the aftermath of Valentine's. We've since repaired relations, but she's better off far away from that house. Far away from me as well, beyond friendly visits."

"...did she have a place in mind? I can't imagine a world where you'd have kicked her out."

"Oh, she's got a roof over her head, I assure you. Paired with fine company, too, a young feline woman she's grown familiar with in the past month or so." Deanna's become tense; there's a fine line between a sturdy bearing and a rigid one, and she's moved well beyond that. Is she taking this personally...?

"Hmm. Before I lean towards... an accusatory tone regarding her situation, care to clarify that familiarity?"

"Clover's a friend of a friend of hers. Much more than that now, though, and... I'd say I'm to blame for that. Bonnie admitted to a feeling of closeness that she considered too far in retrospect, but she didn't act on it until I- gah, until I opened my foolish muzzle. I'd rather skip that part..."

"Then she- you mean, she just- ...hmph, frankly I'm not seeing the innocence in this. You keep making it sound in her favor, but nothing about that paints a pretty picture. You sure you're fine?"

"You don't get it, I... haaaah, I practically starved her for affection, for who knows how long!"

"...and what the hell does that mean?"

"What I mean, Deanna, is that she needs to know she's doing a good job. And as it turns out, I'd let my crafty tongue from work come home with me, making every compliment into a puzzle box she was unprepared to solve. Even the liveliest flower will wilt if not given water. I'd call it instinct that she looked for it elsewhere, if not desperation."

"No, Penn, I- that's just not...! Gaaah, what the hell?! How is that fair to you? So you were unclear sometimes, big deal. You really think that justified her going around like that? Does she have any idea what she left behind?!" ...alright, this behavior has gotten odd. Were her glass any weaker, she'd have shattered it in her hand by now. How is it she's taking this harder than I am?

"Deanna, if this zeal is out of some sense of frustration or anxiety that your advice caused this, I assure you, it had nothing to do with the two of us going our separate ways."

"Z-Zeal? I... oh. Ahem. I suppose what I mean to say is that it feels like she's callously thrown away what you've been working towards for the future. That doesn't seem right to me, you understand?"

"Oh, Bonnie has little idea what kind of efforts I've gone to. I don't boast often, though the recent deal was a minor exception. Besides, it'd be impossible for her not to know what she's giving up to do this, you know. The thing we'd hoped for, all this time..."

"...Penn? When you mentioned something 'beyond the mortgage,' you weren't referring to...?"

"I'm no mind-reader, you know, but I'll at least clear things up. Once we could make a final payment on the mortgage, we were... going to try for children. Bonnie wanted to be a mother all this time, but debts and payments worried both of us on the financial side of things. So, for her to give that up, to seek love and comfort over that, knowing her new partner can't give that to her... it wasn't a decision made lightly."

"...o-oh." It feels strange to finally discuss this with someone. It's not the sort of thing I'd feel comfortable getting people's hopes up about, but with those hopes dashed, it's become safer to mention. ...I suppose the fact that I wasn't the one so excited for parenthood may also be easing the difficulty of uttering those words. The part I most looked forward to about it was seeing her unparalleled contentment at finally holding a pup in her arms, one she would cherish every moment with while it lasted. I gave nary a thought to my personal feelings of being a father. Would I like to, one day...? Perhaps. I would never consider it a burden, at least.

"That's the one thing that makes me worry for her, Deanna. I took the chance to meet Clover myself, and you know what? She may be better for Bonnie than I ever was, excepting the chance at parenthood. Even then, I suppose they could adopt or get a sperm donor, but... that's presumptuous of me." A quiet sigh escapes my companion, her rounded ears flicking slightly. It makes her teardrop earrings swing and jingle a bit, a sight I can't decide whether to call cute or amusing.

"Look, Penn. I think I get it now. I know this wasn't some fling for her, but... stop selling yourself short through all of this. It's infuriating. You deserve better. I should know, I've seen what you're capable of."

"You realize that capability is with your help, right?"

"I just make opportunities, point them out. The follow-up? That's all you. I need you to remember that going forward, no more of this deflating ego. Understood?" She never was easy to read. It was easier tonight, but the full picture is still unclear. No reason not to grant her request, though, perhaps with a hint of my own.

"Alright, then. I'll agree to your terms. No more reduction of those accomplishments. There's one matter I need to work on though, and it comes from some advice Clover gave me."

"And that is...?"

"That a bit of candor goes a long way. A clear statement of your desires, intentions, and feelings. Not advice fit for our workplace, of course, but otherwise? It's served me well, despite the minimal time I've had to make use of it. So in exchange for your terms, do you think you can commit that to memory, as well?"

"That's... not a game plan I'm used to, Penn, but I can try. For tonight, though, I'd rather unwind a bit, forget it all for a few hours."

"Hah! Well, we're in the right place for it, aren't we? Excuse me, bartender..." A fine session. Finally, someone knows. Someone I trust more than most anyone. I've no idea if she'll take Clover's advice seriously, especially since I learned this art of roundabout, precise speaking from her, but she's among the sharpest minds I've ever known. I'd sooner bet on her success in any endeavor than her failure, this matter included. Whatever she's holding back, I'll be ready to hear it.

I look forward to that day. When those walls may finally be let down, of her own volition.