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21

A single Wolf mired in bloodlust was bad enough, they most certainly did not need two.

"Sorrin!" Ander called as loud as he dared, chasing after the lumbering brute. "Wait, damn it!"

Paying him no heed, Sorrin blundered through the trees, grunting and snorting. He was like a boulder rolling downhill, not even bothering to skirt around any obstacles. A skinny sapling emerged from the shadows and he simply smacked it out of his way with one sweep of his burly forearm. A rotting log jutted out of the snow and he simply stomped right through it, crushing it underfoot.

He was making far too much noise.

Ander sped up, leaving the Foxes behind with Nilia, trusting that she would be able to keep everyone in their proper formations.

"Sorrin!"

The burly Wolf just kept going, batting low-hanging branches out of his face and crunching over thick patches of underbrush.

"Sorrin! We need to stay together! Hey!" Ander grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around, expecting to see the quiet, earnest Wolf who had carried Danado through the pass on his back without a single complaint, but what he got instead was an unstable behemoth, spewing jets of steam from flaring nostrils, every bit as fearsome as a bear woken from its winter slumber.

He did not say anything, did not make any moves to fight, but Ander could sense it nonetheless. It was in his heavy breathing, in the way his muscles flexed and his shoulders rose up and down, the way his fingers opened and closed as if itching to wrap around something and squeeze down hard. But mostly it was the eyes. These were not the dark brown eyes of the Wolf who loved Taberah so much, who shielded her and reassured her that everything would be all right. These were the eyes of a madwolf, crushed down to dark and shining slits, seething with a fury so intense Ander could actually feel it washing over him in waves of heat.

Sorrin was on the verge of losing it, and if he did, Ander wasn't sure he'd be able to stop him by himself.

"Sorrin, you need to calm down."

"Or perhaps you're the one who needs to hurry up. The trail is going cold. Just look at it."

Ander could not argue with that. The snow wasn't letting up, and the spots of blood were quickly getting buried under all the fresh layers. He could barely even smell it anymore. "Be that as it may, you're not doing us any favours blundering through the forest like some wild boar! Think about what you're doing!"

Sorrin suddenly stepped up so they were almost nose to nose. "What I am thinking about is what that monster did to my baby girl! You don't know what it's like so don't you dare tell me what to do, pup!"

Ander did not know how to respond to that. He could have told Sorrin that it would do no good to dwell on the past, that he was only blunting his own senses and putting them all in danger, that they would have a better chance of finding Banno if they proceeded calmly and methodically. But he didn't. He couldn't.

You don't know what it's like...

No. But he soon would. In less than a year, he would have a baby boy or girl of his own, and then he really would understand what it was like, to be in charge of something so precious and fragile, to have that responsibility weighing on his shoulders.

Looking into Sorrin's haunted eyes, Ander could not help but see himself.

That could be me, he thought. That could be me if I fail...

"It would be a pity, then," Nilia suddenly spoke up, emerging from the shadows, "if Taberah were to lose you in addition to her daughter. I don't think she'd be able to go on living, even with little Renna trying her best to keep her happy. But then again, that's not really her job, is it? It's yours."

The Foxes finally caught up, stepping out from between the trees, and by the overlapping light of their torches Ander was able to get a good look at Sorrin's face, bathed in a fiery glow. He was able to see the crinkled muzzle, the exposed teeth, the brow furrowed over eyes that had darkened to the colour of pitch.

They were the same as Banno's.

Startled into action, Ander positioned himself between Nilia and Sorrin almost on pure reflex. They could not afford to have their two best fighters at each other's throats.

But then the light shifted, the shadows across his face receded, and Sorrin was Sorrin again. The burly Wolf closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and when he opened them again, he seemed to have calmed down. At least a little bit.

"Fine," he said, although the tone with which he said it made it clear that it was most certainly not fine. It was not fine at all. "Let's just find him. Let's find him and end him."

End him?

Sorrin stood aside, inviting Ander to take the lead, and that's exactly what he did, trying his very best to ignore the dread settling in his heart. He kept his eyes on the ground and followed the trail without a word, listening to the innumerable footsteps at his back, fusing together into a meaningless whisper. Their torches split his shadow into dozens of hunchbacked phantoms, stretching across the snow before him. Where they overlapped they created a black arrow in the dark, and from this arrow sprouted ghostly limbs, elongated to monstrous proportions.

End him.

What were they doing out here? What were they really doing?

There was no point in even asking himself that question. He knew the answer very well. They were hunting his brother. Plain and simple. It was no different from how he and Banno used to hunt game together, except now it was Banno fleeing through the woods, running for his life from a relentless pursuer.

They would track him. They would find him. They would riddle him with arrows. And if he still put up a fight, he, Nilia, and Sorrin would close in for the kill.

That was why they were out here.

To end him.

To kill him.

The snow suddenly felt much colder beneath his feet. The night, much darker. His heart pounded against his ribcage and the air burned in his lungs. It felt like he couldn't take another step, like he was trying to push his way through a solid wall. Like...

No. That wasn't true. It's not that he couldn't take another step, it's that he didn't want to. He was afraid to. And why?

Because this was different. He knew what he had to do, he knew there was no alternative, but still, this was different.

The river. The first time he ever went over the edge. The first time he killed a piece of his heart in order to end a life. He had reached out, he had begged Banno to let go of his anger and hatred and to take hold of his little brother's hand instead. But that's not what happened. He was met only with snarling teeth and blood and pain. He had forced Ander into a corner, and when Kiana grabbed hold of him, trying to save him, there was simply no other choice. It was either kill Banno or allow him to drag all three of them into the abyss.

One life for two.

Then there was the trial. Garten, with his broken tooth and his fur singed to a crisp, his skin covered in blisters and his eyes bugging out of their sockets, more animal than Wolf. Ander had begged him to stand down, to take just one step back, to take a moment to look at what was happening, at what his hatred and anger was doing to him, at what it was turning him into.

But he failed again. There was a blade running through the centre of his palm, and he couldn't reach out. He couldn't reach out...

The Pass. So many Wolves. All of them he knew by name. He had begged for peace. He had begged for them to just turn around and return to their homes, their families, to live and let live. But it wasn't enough. His pleas were met with madness, with uncontrollable anger. They broke upon the wall like water and he failed for a third time, the worst time, and so many lives were lost.

Those were the worst moments of his life, moments that would stay with him forever, scarring body, mind, and soul. But there was something they all had in common, something completely inconsequential to the ones who had lost their lives, but still able to give him relief, small though it may be.

He was never the aggressor. All those times, they came to him. They_bared their fangs at _him. They raked their claws across his flesh. They spat in his face and threw rocks at his back. They broke his bones and ran him through. Everything they ever did to him, they did because they hated him, but everything he did to them he did to protect the ones he loved.

Did that not count for anything?

Yes. For Kiana, for their unborn baby, for Bethany and Salem, for Sarah, for all the Foxes and all the Wolves who had joined their side, for Hezzi, for Nilia, Sorrin, Taberah, Danado, Renna, for them it counted. For them it meant something. For them it meant they could continue living. Ander knew it wasn't enough to justify so many deaths, nothing could ever do that, not even for one, but it was enough for him to keep going. The fact that they were still breathing, that they could still be with each other and love each other, was proof that his actions didn't simply end lives. Their smiling faces were proof that he wasn't just another animalistic murderer. It was something to cling onto. Something to believe in. Something to give him hope.

But that was also what made this different. That was what made this evil.

They were the aggressors now. They were the ones doing the attacking. They were the ones baring their teeth. They were the ones chasing after prey with their claws raised.

He was the one actively seeking the death of his older brother.

Ander shook his head and tried to tell himself for the hundredth time that it wasn't like that. The timing was off to be sure, less instant, but this was no different from the other times. In Killing Banno, he wasn't committing murder, he was safeguarding his family. He was saving them.

Are you sure about that? Are you positive that Banno will kill if left alone?

Yes. Yes he was. He knew his brother. He knew what he was capable of. He bore the name of 'Banno' for good reason. He didn't live to merely stay alive, or to find love, or to be happy, or any of those perfectly normal, even admirable reasons. He lived solely to kill. And as long as he was alive, he would never stop killing.

Killing him is not murder. Killing him is saving every life he would have ended in the future.

But still there was that voice in the back of his mind, a weak, perpetually hopeful and unbelievably naive piece that insisted that murder couldn't be the only way. Murder was never the only way.

Oh... how he wished he could still believe that...

A hand came down on his shoulder, making him jump, but it was only Nilia.

"I know what you're thinking," she said, piercing him with those dark green eyes.

"You do?" Ander tried to focus on the diminishing trail of blood splatters at his feet, but he kept being drawn back to those eyes, just barely catching the torchlight in a glimmering, orange arc. This wasn't the first time he felt that Nilia somehow saw and understood everything.

She knows. Of course she knows. It must be written all over my face.

But Nilia surprised him. "He's turning into a liability," she whispered, subtly tilting her head in Sorrin's direction. Tired from his outright sprint, he had fallen back in line with the Foxes, who were more than happy to have him watching over them.

"Can you blame him?" Ander whispered back from the corner of his mouth, keeping his head down low.

"No, but that is irrelevant. Sorrin may be big, but he is no warrior. If he goes charging off like that again, he will get himself killed. Worst case scenario, he'll take us with him."

"And what do you want me to do about it? Take him aside and tell him to just stop being angry about what my brother did to..." Ander rubbed his face, unable to finish what he was going to say.

"I know what he's going through," Nilia said. "I know what it's like to have a wound that festers inside your heart for years and years. More importantly, I know what it's like just before that wound bursts open. I have been lucky, but Sorrin might not be. If he sees Banno as he is now..."

Ander could certainly guess. The sight of those dark eyes was still fresh in his mind. "It will turn into a bloodbath," he finished for her, and Nilia nodded.

"If it looks like he's about to lose control, you might need to hold him back. We can't have him blocking the archers' line of sight."

"No. We can't."

"That should be enough, but... in case it isn't, I will stand ready to deliver the final blow myself. Don't worry, you have my word that it will be quick and clean. Not that Banno deserves it."

Still as blunt as ever. Don't you realise he's my brother? That's he's Hezzi's brother? That he's my mother and my father's son? Don't you understand how hard it is for me to go through all this again!?

Ander almost said something he was sure to regret, so he bit down on the soft flesh of his lip hard enough to draw blood. It didn't make him feel any better, but it did keep his mouth shut, which was enough for now.

"I'm actually surprised," she said, keeping a sharp eye on their surroundings while he focussed on the tracks.

"At what?"

"Out of all the Wolves, I thought you would be the one to lose control."

Ander did a double-take. "Why do you say that?"

"It is your heart, Ander. Just as Sorrin's anger is a liability, so is your compassion. You are too quick to forgive, too eager to show mercy. It is what makes you you, it is what gives you strength, but it is also what makes you soft. Too soft."

"You think I -"

"Please let me finish, Ander. I do not know how much time we have left before... just please, you need to hear this before we find him."

Ander was ready to argue with her, to tell her that she had no idea what she was talking about, that a Wolf with 'compassion' and 'heart' wouldn't have so much blood dripping from his hands. He was ready to tell her all of this and more, but then he noticed the way she was holding her bear claw necklace. Several times he had seen her almost crush it inside her fist, usually when she was upset or angry, but this wasn't anything like that. She was holding it lightly, delicately caressing it between her thumb and index finger.

Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe she was just occupying an idle hand. But...

Ander didn't think so.

He swallowed, looked down at the tracks of blood, and nodded. If she had something to say, he would listen, no matter how blunt it might be.

"I would have killed Ivio," she said, going down a path Ander did not expect. "I would have pushed his head down and slid the blade across his throat in one clean cut. I would have done the same to Seffer, to Denko, Dorin, Vekka, Thoka, the whole lot of them. I would have done it because it was the smart thing to do. I would have done it simply to increase my odds of survival. That would have been reason enough. I could tell myself that it was nothing personal, that I was simply defending myself and my comrades, but I'd know better. I remember my old self far too well to be tricked by such childish lies. I would have killed them because I wanted to, because I was angry, because I was hurting without fully understanding why. I would have killed them to make myself feel good again. But do you know why I didn't, Ander? Do you know why I showed them mercy instead?"

Ander glanced up from the tracks and saw the way she was looking at him. This was no blank gaze of stone, no neutral look of concentration, no soulless glare. What he saw in her eyes was pure emotion. It was a face he could have easily imagined on Renna or Taberah, but never Nilia. It was such a contrast from what she normally looked like that he almost stumbled over his own feet in surprise.

When did that happen?_he thought in amazement. _When did she become so... open?

"I let them live because of you, Ander," she said. "I showed them mercy because of the pain you went through. Even though I was putting myself and my friends at risk, I couldn't bring myself to end their lives. I kept seeing you in my head, over and over, pushing Garten off your body, staring at all the blood, and then that look on your face, that look of pure agony, like you were the one that had been stabbed. I kept hearing the sound of the knife as you pulled it free of his skull, and the sound of your screams filling the air." The corner of her mouth twitched into a little half-smile, something he never would have thought she was capable of before now. "I think it was just fear, at first. Fear and confusion. I felt like a kid who had seen another stick his hand into a fire and pull it back screaming, and thinking to myself: 'Wow, I'd never want to do that. I'd never want to hurt myself that way.' But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that was only half of it. The other half was what really changed me, Ander. It was what made me into who I am now. I remember how you held me that one time, when we pretended you were taking me hostage. I asked you why you didn't want to kill, why you felt so bad for ending a sack of filth as repugnant as Garten, and you told me how precious life is, all life, how it is something to cherish and protect. I looked at you and I saw a Wolf fighting so hard to do just that, to protect life, even the lives of the monsters seeking to kill him. I saw a Wolf who cared so much that he was willing to sacrifice everything to save a group of Foxes he had known less than a month, Foxes who, quite clearly, were more accepting of him than his own people. I saw a Wolf who could see the good in anyone, and even though I didn't fully understand it at the time, he was a Wolf I desperately wanted to be like."

It was getting harder to follow the tracks. His vision had gone blurry, and there was a rather uncomfortable lump in his throat, making it difficult to breathe. He wiped his arm across his face, hoping that Nilia would assume he was simply getting rid of the snow in his eyes. He checked just to make sure, and that's when her half-smile suddenly bloomed into a full smile, a real smile, and it completely transformed her face. Her hair was still a tangled mess and there were still lines of soot smeared across her cheeks and speckles of snow stuck in her fur, but that smile made it all irrelevant. She was beautiful.

If Nilia saw the tears in his eyes, she pretended not to notice. "I am not a murderer, and it's all thanks to you. I didn't want to feel the same pain as you, and I didn't want to inflict it, either. That's why I let Dorin and his friends go. Killing them would have been wrong. So wrong. More wrong than I can explain. It would have been like spitting in your face all the way from the other side of the mountain. It would have been like saying that everything you had gone through, everything you believed in, everyone you bled for, was all meaningless. I wanted to be able to face you with my head held high. I wanted... I guess I wanted to prove to you that I could see the good, too. I wanted to show you that I was different, that you had made me different. And you know what? It didn't stop with me. Dorin and his friends, the ones I spared because of you, just look at what they did. They didn't have the safety of the wall, but they stood with us regardless. They turned around and they held hands and they stood strong and they fought for what they believed in, just like you did. Dorin, the Wolf who held your arms behind your back. The one whose teeth marks are still embedded in your shoulder. _That_Dorin. And it wasn't just to repay my mercy out of some overblown sense of pride, either. He was different even before I held my blade to his neck. He warned me about Wardo's plans, he ordered his men to stand down instead of fighting, he practically begged Danado to end his life, all because he was so desperately trying to make up for his sins, to seek forgiveness for something he believed could never be forgiven, to balance out the scales, to make everything right again, and the reason he felt that way, the reason he tried so hard to go against his old self, was because of you. I truly believe that. You have a way of touching people, Ander. And the people you touch go on to touch others. It is a power I think even you do not fully comprehend, but it is real, and it is within you, and it can change the world."

"Why are you telling me this now, Nilia?" Ander spat, feeling both angry and miserable, blinking the tears out of his eyes. "When we're off to kill my brother like some animal...?"

"That is exactly why!" Nilia grabbed his shoulder and jerked him around. "The reason I said all those things was to make you face yourself! So you can see who you are and what you've done for everyone around you! The reason I made you think about me, about Dorin, about all those Wolves we dug out of the snow, everyone who would have died without you, the reason I want you to think about them is so you can realise that Banno is not one of them! Just like you, Banno is different from everyone else. But unlike you, there is no good in him. There is nothing for you to try and save."

"What are you saying?"

"You think I don't know you by now, Ander? You think I haven't noticed the way you're walking? It's exactly how you approached the Cora statue to be tied up for your trial, like someone about to face an execution."

"But isn't that exactly what we're doing, Nilia? Going to an execution?"

"By the Cora, it's written all over your face. Even now you're trying to think of a way to forgive him, aren't you? You're trying to think of some magical solution that will solve everything. You want to fabricate a happy ending for everyone in which we all hold hands and go skipping through a dew-dappled meadow while butterflies flutter about our feet and rainbows shoot over our heads."

"I know that, Nilia! Everything you're telling me I already told myself! I know there's no other way, you don't have to cram it down my throat like this!"

Ander angrily wiped his arm across his face, wondering how everything had gone so sour so fast.

"You made me a better Wolf, Ander. You did the same for your father, for Hezzi, and even for your mother near the end. You changed Dorin, and Aisa, and all those Wolves recovering in the basecamp this very moment. I've walked among them, I've talked to them. I kept expecting them to band together again and resume the attack, but it soon became clear that you know them better than I do, because the things I heard them say is nothing short of miraculous. They talk about going home. They talk about their friends and families. They talk about what a huge mistake it was to come here. They even bow their heads in shame and offer their thanks to the Foxes who saved their lives. The reason they can do that is because you saw the good in them, even when everyone else, myself included, believed there was nothing in that throng but hunger and hatred. You were able to see what I could not, that even something as horrifying as a pack of wild, bloodthirsty animals can change for the better if given a chance. But, Ander..." She fixed him with a stare that was far more like how she used to be, before she knew the warmth of the valley. It was cold. Calculating. Emotionless. "Do not for a second think that you can do the same for Banno. It would be the greatest mistake of your life. Anyone else has the potential for good. Even Wardo might have had it long ago, but not Banno. He is not like us. Sometimes I'm not even sure he is truly a Wolf. He is... something else. He is hunger given flesh. He is hatred given fangs and claws. There is no good in something like that. Even your sweet little Kiana knows this. Trying to bring it out will only get you and the ones you love killed. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Ander?"

Ander swatted a branch out of his face and continued down the path, going faster and faster. "I know perfectly well what you're trying to say, Nilia. It all comes down to two things. I have to kill my brother, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. Hell, maybe I should feel glad about it. He's not even a real Wolf, am I right?"

"Stop twisting my words. I'm trying to tell you that, when the time comes -"

"I shouldn't be weak. I should do what needs to be done. I know, Nilia! Would you please stop preaching at me!?"

"I know you've been through a lot. You just watched your mother kill herself. Your little brother is hurt and fighting for his life. Even being out here right now is asking a tremendous amount, but this is -"

"I know, Nilia! I know! You know how I know? Because I was there! I was there for everything! Every bloody moment I was there and I couldn't do anything to stop it! This whole night has been nothing but me going from place to place, killing everything I touch! And this here, what we're doing right now, is no different! So why don't you just shut up and let me do what I'm really good at, the thing that happens wherever I'm involved, whether I want it to or not, whether I try to stop it or not!? Just let me go and kill my broth -"

The slap came out of nowhere, hard enough to stagger him against a tree. He touched his cheek, amazed by the warmth filling up the right side of his face and the taste of blood seeping over his tongue, but what amazed him even more was the look on Nilia's face. There were tears flowing down her cheeks, drops of silver bleeding from emerald eyes.

"Tonight is hell, but if you truly believe what you just said, then this night will never end for you. The sun will come up eventually for the rest of us, but for you it will stay dark. Winter will turn into spring, but for you it will always be cold. I know what it's like to be stuck inside a single day, Ander. I've been doing it my whole life without even realising it. It is a quiet hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, least of all you. I only hope Kiana will be able to make your sun rise once again, because I can't."

Ander was still leaning against the tree, rubbing his face, his knees weak, too shocked to speak, when the glow of torches signalled that Sorrin and the party of Foxes had caught up with them.

Nilia wiped her face and instantly went back to looking like normal, like nothing had happened. It was a trick he wished he could imitate.

"What's going on here?" Sorrin asked, eying the way Ander was holding his face.

"Ander tripped," Nilia answered him. "Fell against a tree."

"You hurt?"

Ander shook his head. "Just a scrape. It's nothing."

"Then let's get a move on. Banno can't be far ahead, not in his condition."

"Yeah..." Ander's voice sounded natural enough (to his own ears, at least), so he straightened up and brushed himself off. He tried to catch Nilia's eye, but she had her back turned and was surveying the woods to the west.

For you it will stay dark...

Ander started following the tracks again.

For you it will always be cold...

Spots of blood inside the snow.

For you...

A single night for the rest of his life, forever and ever.

It will be a quiet hell.