FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

20

Torjo didn't understand anything anymore. He didn't understand why he was still alive. He didn't understand the blanket draped around his shoulders. He didn't understand the fire warming his hands. And most of all, he didn't understand the strange little creatures rushing back and forth all over the place, ducking in and out of tents, carrying food and water and medicine. He just...

He didn't understand!

"Hey! Hey, Torjo. Torjo, hey!" Dekori nudged him in the ribs. "Hey, Torjo!"

"What?"

"What is up with these Foxes, hey? They crazy or something?"

Torjo made a sound that wasn't quite an affirmation or a denial ("Hrmm...") and let his eyes wander wherever they wanted. He could never go very far without them getting snagged by something that just, well... didn't make any sense. Something that he just didn't understand.

There was a tiny white vixen with disproportionately big ears just down the line draping a thick bear pelt across Vano's shivering shoulders. Not only that, she actually leaned around and asked him if he was all right while she did it. Sort of like a doting mother taking care of a sick pup.

It didn't make sense!

On the other side there was a thickset (thick for one of them, at least) Fox stirring a big bubbling cauldron with a wooden spoon. Torjo didn't know what was in there, but it smelled strongly of meat and spices. Broth? Soup? Madness? There were more of those big black pots scattered all over the place, simmering over open flames, filling the air with a meaty aroma so strong it was almost enough to mask the scent of blood and death.

There were three vixens going from fire to fire, treating wounds. One of them (a pretty little thing in green garb) was wrapping strips of white cloth around Clen's leg. It was funny, actually. Clen was the type of Wolf who wouldn't think twice about barging into someone else's tent unannounced, or inserting himself into a hunting party without an invite, or even stealing food right out from underneath a starving pup's nose. In short, he was a Wolf who simply didn't give a damn about anything or anyone, and there he was, squirming in his seat, not knowing where to look.

"That's not too tight, is it?" the vixen asked.

"N-No..." Clen replied, looking more uncomfortable than Torjo had ever seen him. "But, um... why are you...?"

The vixen sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Despite her young age, she looked incredibly tired. "I am so sick of answering that question over and over. Try figuring it out for yourself. It's not that hard."

"O...kay...?"

Torjo was watching her gather up her supplies when Dekori nudged him in the ribs again. "Hey. Hey, Torjo. Torjo, hey."

"What is it?"

"Are we... prisoners, or something? I don't get what's going on."

"Do you see any bars? Any cages? Any chains or ropes or bindings?"

"No?"

"Then we're not prisoners, you idiot."

"So what are we, then?"

"I don't know, Dekori, I just..." Torjo rubbed his dry, scratchy eyes and wished for the familiarity of his own tent. "I don't know."

Dekori was quiet for almost a full minute, and then: "Hey, Torjo. Torjo, hey."

"What?" By the Cora, he was getting such a headache...

"Don't you think this would be the perfect time to... you know?"

"To what?"

Dekori ran his thumb across his throat in a slicing gesture. "Grrrrrk. That's what I'm saying."

A dull heat rose up in Torjo's cheeks and he clenched his fists without even realising it.

"Hey. Hey, Torjo. We made it past the wall, didn't we? We're in!"

"So? What about it?"

"So we should do what we came here to do!"

Torjo picked up a loose piece of bark that had escaped the fire and began breaking it into tiny little pieces, anything just to keep his hands busy. "You want to fight? Is that what you're saying?"

"No! Not just 'fight'! I want to war! I want to maim and kill! All those good things Wardo and Banno were talking about, hey?"

"Wardo is dead. Probably Banno, too. That's what all their warring got them."

"Oh pffftsshh!!" Dekori dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Next you'll be telling me you don't want to fight anymore."

Torjo said nothing.

"Torjo?"

He tossed the bark dust into the fire, picked up a twig, and started to snap it into tiny little pieces, trying to get them as small as possible.

"Torjo? Torjo, hey? Hey, Torjo?"

Dekori nudged him again and it took every ounce of willpower at his disposal not to twist around and punch the little blighter's teeth out. "By the Cora, Dekori, what!? What is it!?"

"I asked if you don't want to -"

"I just want to go home!" Torjo said. "That's all I want anymore. I want... I want to see Kayli and Liqua again. I didn't even give them a proper goodbye when I left."

"Oh but that's so booooring! We're right here!"

"So?"

"So..." Dekori scootched a little closer and in a low, conspiratorial whisper he said: "Don't you want to see what that little white Fox looks like on the inside? I bet her meat is just as white as her fur. Or what about that fat one by the fire over there? I wonder what noise he'd make if I took his head and slammed it into that bubbling pot? Aren't you curious, Torjo? Hey? Don't you want to find out what it feels like to hold a life in your hand and squeeze down until it -"

Torjo closed his fingers and the little twig crackled to pieces inside his fist. "I already know what that feels like."

"Oh?" Dekori raised an eyebrow. "And when did you ever kill anybody, huh?"

"Not that side, you damn idiot. The other side."

"Other side? The other side of what?"

Torjo pulled his blanket in closer and wondered if he should even bother trying to explain it. How could he, if he didn't even fully understand it himself? He had called Dekori an idiot, but he was the one who felt like an idiot for failing to understand what was going on inside his own head. This had never happened to him before. He didn't understand anything anymore...

"Torjo? Torjo, hey? Hey, Torjo..."

"If you nudge me again I will break your face, I swear to the Cora."

"Whoa, touchy! Maybe there's still some snow stuck in your ears, 'cause you're talking like an icebrain."

"I keep..." Torjo closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pretended like he didn't hear that last quip. "I keep thinking about all that stuff Dorin was talking about."

"Dorin? Whatcha thinking about him for? He's crazy."

"He talked about the two sides of killing. Something about both sides and feeling what it was like, and... Dammit! I wish I had paid more attention!"

"To some crazy guy?"

"Maybe we're the crazy ones. Did you ever think of that?"

"Oh, I know a few of us might not be hunting with a full quiver, but I never figured you for one."

Torjo clicked his tongue and turned his back, but Dekori grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Oh come on, Torjo! Don't be all sulky! Hey..." He fluttered his eyelids and put on an exceptionally punchable pouty face. "I'm sorreee, Torjie. Please tell Uncle Deko all about those crazy thoughts floating about inside your noggin, hmm?"

Torjo could get up and move to a different fire, but that would mean walking through the snow again. Which was worse? Dekori, or frostbite of the toes?

"Torjoooo? Hey, Torjoooo? Torjo, hey."

"Shut up! Fine! For the love of the Cora just shut up and I'll tell you, damn!"

"Hehe."

Torjo stared into the fire and tried to gather his thoughts. He kept expecting Dekori to interrupt him with more of that insufferable whining, but he kept his tongue and wrapped the blanket (which was really too small for a Wolf) around his head so that only his beady little eyes were poking out.

Torjo didn't even know what he was trying to say, much less how to say it, but he kept seeing the face of that Fox in the fire, the one with the weird headdress who had pulled him out of the snow.

Hey, buddy, are you okay?

'Buddy', that Fox had called him. 'Buddy', like they were the best of friends.

"I was supposed to die tonight," Torjo said, taking himself by surprise. He didn't know where those words came from, but now that they were out, he knew them to be true. "And so were you, Dekori."

"Ah, but we didn't! 'Cause we're a pair of rough, tough warrior Wolves! Isn't that right?" Dekori made to punch Torjo in the arm, but one furious sideways glance was enough to convince him that maybe he'd like to maintain the function of his appendages a little longer.

"No, Dekori," Torjo said. "It's not because we're tough, or because we're warriors, or even because we're Wolves. The only reason we're alive right now and not buried beneath a mountain of snow is because these Foxes had pity on us. They showed us mercy."

"You're glossing over how they were the ones to drop that snow on our heads in the first place."

"Yeah, because we came to kill them all!"

Heads turned. Foxes and Wolves all stopped what they were doing to stare at them with the strangest assortment of expressions on their faces. The Foxes were mostly nervous and threw quick sideways glances at each other, but others looked away entirely, as if they had accidentally seen something embarrassing. Some of them looked a bit sad, like they were attending a pyre for someone they once knew. The Wolves were a whole different story. Most of them looked like they had been woken in the middle of the night and were still half-asleep. They looked like they didn't know who they were or what was going on around them. The rest looked angry at his sudden outburst. They frowned at him from inside their bundles of blankets and muttered silent swears.

Torjo bowed his head and, after a brief pause, things started going back to normal. Well, 'normal' was a relative term, he supposed.

Dekori nudged him again. "Geez, Torjo, why don't you try saying that a little louder? I think the Cora Himself only went deaf in one ear."

"Shut up, Dekori. I'm tired of talking."

"Too late for that, Torjie. You can't just back out in the middle of a debate."

"Hrrmm."

"Let me see if I got this right. You're saying that, because we came in here trying to kill all the Foxes, they were well within their rights to defend themselves and try to kill us back. That I understand. That I actually agree with. War is war, hey?"

"Hrrm."

"But then you're also saying that because they got cold feet at the last second and decided to dig some of us out, that absolves them from all the Wolves they did kill?"

"I never said -"

"Because they did kill some of us, Torjo. In fact, they killed a lot. I keep looking around, and I don't see Wiks anywhere. Or Lonah. Or Ghrav."

"We knew many of us would die. I knew I might die. So did you. It was a price we were willing to pay to slaughter Foxes."

"And we didn't even get what we paid for! Does that seem fair? Eye for an eye, Torjo. Eye for an eye."

"Fairness changes depending on whose eye you're looking out of. For the Foxes, would it not have been fair to leave us beneath the snow? We came to slaughter them in their homes. 'Eye for and eye' to them would have meant killing us, not saving us."

"What if you were in a fight with another Wolf, one on one? What if that Wolf went soft and pulled his first punch? What would you do? Would you go down on the ground and kiss his feet and thank him for taking pity on you, or would you take advantage of his weakness and smash his teeth in?"

Torjo took a moment to think. "I'd probably hit him," he admitted.

"There, you see? This situation is no different. It's just on a bigger scale, that's all. They threw a punch, they pulled it, and now we have the advantage. We can strike back right now. We can do what we came here to do. We can get revenge for Wiks and Lonah and Ghrav and all those other Wolves who died. We can -"

"Get even more Wolves killed?"

"They don't have a wall or a mountain of snow anymore. Up close like this, they don't stand a chance."

"We are cold and hungry and hurt. Half of us aren't even conscious, and you want to spark another battle?"

"What is wrong with you, Torjo?"

"What is wrong with you!? You should know just as well as I do! You felt it for yourself, didn't you? What it felt like to be on the other side of the line?"

"You really are starting to sound like Dorin."

"That's because I don't want to go through that again! Knowing that I'm about to die, and there's nothing I can do to stop it! And even less, I don't want to make anyone else go through that feeling, either! It's bad, Dekori! There are probably much better ways of saying it, but that's as close as I can get! And you know what else? I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way. Not anymore."

Torjo's eyes wandered through the little village the Foxes had built here, going from face to face. So many Wolves. They huddled around fires, shoulder to shoulder, their palms extended to the flames. They lay side by side, wrapped in layers and layers of pelts and blankets, shivering in the cold, trapped inside the gap between sleep and unconsciousness. They looked down at the white cloth dressings the three vixens had tied around their open wounds and frostbitten fingers, confused and ashamed.

Yes. That was one of the words he had been looking for, wasn't it? Ashamed...

"So what is it you want to do then, hey?" Dekori asked. "Just answer me that."

"I already told you..." Torjo said, looking into the crackling fire. "I just want to go home. I want to hug my mate and my daughter. I want to tell them I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Is that it?"

Torjo nodded. "That's it."

"No more war? You're just giving up? You're surrendering that easy?"

"I've had enough of death, Dekori. I don't want any more. I don't even remember why I was chasing after it so fiercely in the first place."

Dekori threw his hands in the air. "Are you serious Torjo!? You, of all Wolves? 'Grrr, get out of my way or I'll stomp you, grrr,'? You're saying this to me right now? Did you forget the way you carried on back home yesterd- no, it's not even yesterday yet! Just half a day! Half a day ago you were punching Dorin in the face, biting Denko's leg off, spitting in their faces, dragging Aisa through the snow by her hair, and now you're a giant Gloomy-Sai? Who was the one moaning about languishing inside the walls with nothing to keep his fists busy other than farcical sparring matches with weaklings? Who was the one complaining about having nothing to bloody his spear with other than simple game? Who was the one bitching to the entire tribe about going through the same damn thing every damn day? Let me refresh your memory, Torjo. It was you! You're the one who said those things! Not me, not Wardo, not Banno, not the almighty Cora Himself, but you!"

"Things were different back then."

"How!? How were they different!?"

"Because I'm different! I'm... I mean..."

Different.

Torjo looked into the dancing flames, at the orange crescents dancing around their dark centres. This went back even further than Dorin. This went all the way back to Ander and his trial. He was trying to explain it even back then, but they were all too blind to see and too deaf to listen. They butchered him like a sacrificial stag, and why?

Because he was different.

After tonight... maybe they were all a little different...

"You're so full of it, Torjo," Dekori said. "I was only joking back when I called you an icebrain, but it looks like all that snow really did do a number on you. You're making even less sense than Ivio."

Torjo ignored him. He was tired of all the arguing. He just wanted to sit by this fire and wait for the snow to stop so he could go back home.

But evidently Dekori didn't like the sudden silence. "Oh what now, you're gonna sulk like a big baby, is that it? Hey? You gonna sulk? Hey, Torjo. Torjo, hey." Dekori nudged his shoulder. "You wanna know what I think? I think you lost your nerve. I think you talk a big game, but when the time comes to show, you're just bluster and swagger. I think you're terrified of having these Foxes nibble at your toes, isn't that right? Isn't that right, Torjo? Hey, Torjo?"

Torjo ignored him.

"Hey, Torjo!" Dekori nudged him again, although this time it was almost a shove. "Torjo! I'm talking to you! Hey!"

Torjo looked at the fire. He watched the way the flames curled and blackened the bark and turned the twigs into brightly glowing orange lines. He watched snowflakes blow into the coals and listened to them melt and hiss like dying snakes.

"Torjo!" This time Dekori really did give him a good hard shove, nearly pushing him off the log. "You going soft, huh? You going soft? Is that it? Hey? Is that it?" Dekori shoved him again, and Torjo had to stick out his hand to keep from falling over. Anger coursed through his veins, just as bright and burning as the fire crackling inside its ring of stones. It seized his hand and curled his fingers into a fist, causing his claws to scrape four short, jagged scratches in the wood.

Oblivious of the danger, Dekori shoved him again and again. "You might be going soft, Torjie, but not me! I was promised a war, dammit! I was promised blood and death! I was promised something that would make me feel alive for the first time in forever!" Dekori slapped him upside the head. "Strength! Power! Pride! All the good stuff that'll make me feel like a real Wolf for a change! That's what I want! I didn't come all the way out here to sit around some dinky campfire, looking pitiful!" Dekori slapped him again, this time right across the ear. It burned and throbbed in the freezing cold. "I want to leap over walls, Torjo! I want to burn down homes! I want to chase my prey through the fields! I want to grab hold of something lesser than me and make them admit it! I want to make them say I'm bigger than them, faster than them, stronger than them, better than them in every way! I want to see the fear in their eyes! I want to listen to them beg for their lives!" Dekori slapped him on the cheek hard enough to leave a stinging sensation in the shape of his hand. "I don't care if I have to do it all by myself, you big baby! You think I'm scared of a bunch of Foxes!? I'll show you! I'll show everybody!"

Torjo knew, he just knew that if this fool so much as touched him one more time, just one more time, he wouldn't be able to stop himself. He would deck the bastard where he sat. He would be out cold before he even hit the ground.

Dekori drew his hand back for another slap and -

"HEY!!"

That voice was so loud and piercing it made the both of them jump about a stride in the air, but what was even more surprising than the sheer volume of that voice was the tiny body it originated from. It was -

By the Cora, isn't that the same Fox we nearly sacrificed?

The little vixen with the green garb came stomping over to them with two wooden bowls in her hands. It was hard to tell which was steaming more, the bowls or her head. Her whole face was contorted into a look of fury just as menacing as anything Shekka could have achieved.

"Er, I was just -" Dekori said, starting to get up.

"SIT DOWN!!"

Dekori sat back down before his knees even got the chance to straighten fully. The look on his face was one of a Wolf who had just awoken from a deep slumber only to find a huge, angry wasp crawling over his nose; too scared to yell, too scared to even move.

"HERE!!" She shoved the bowls into their hands, making the steaming contents come dangerously close to spilling over the brim. Torjo had to tilt back a little to keep it from splashing over his lap.

"What is -" Dekori began, but got no further.

"No! You just SHUT UP! You just SHUT UP and LISTEN!!" She was looking straight at Dekori as she said that, but Torjo got the feeling she was actually speaking to everyone. Most certainly everyone was listening by then. "There will be no war! There will be no fighting! There will be no killing! What you're going to do is SIT and ENJOY the soup Michael worked so hard on, and for the love of whatever god you pray to, YOU ARE GOING TO BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!! Do I make myself clear!?"

"Yes, Kai."

"GOOD!!"

And with that she stomped off down the line, her hands balled into fists and her hair streaming in the wind. Wolves and Foxes alike tripped all over themselves trying to get out of her way.

"What in the Cora's name was that?" Dekori breathed.

"I believe that was one of those 'lesser beings' you were talking about," Torjo said, taking great pleasure in the smug grin he could feel taking shape on his face. "Still feel like chasing her through the fields?"

For once in his life, Dekori didn't have any smart comments, which suited Torjo just fine. Forgoing the spoon (it was too small for his thick Wolven fingers to hold anyway) he took a sip of piping hot soup straight from the bowl. It was rabbit, and it was delicious.

"Hey, Dekori?" Torjo nudged him in the ribs.

"What?"

"You called her 'Kai'."

"Oh shut up!"

Torjo laughed. It felt strange, but good. He was glad that he was still alive and capable of laughing, and he was glad that he wasn't responsible for taking anyone's laughter away.