An Open Heart
#1 of Heart
The wolf glanced anxiously at his watch. It's happening now, he thought. No amount of self-control could keep the twinge of apprehension out his eyes or stop the nervous twitch in his tail. In an effort to take his mind off his fears, he looked around the library in which he was seated.
In front of him were wooden tables designed for four people. He was seated at the table furthest back in the room and could see the five rows of tables in front him with simple plastic chairs around them. Just beyond those was a long table for computer access with fifteen computers to a side. Looking further down the library, the grey wolf could see the front desk and the glass doors leading out to the rest of the school. Without looking, the wolf recalled the metal shelves with the non-fiction books behind him while the novels at the front of the library were partially obscured by the computer table. When the wolf stopped his perusal of the library and took notice of himself again, he noticed his fingers were drumming on the tabletop.
He glanced at his watch again. He had come to school earlier than usual and noted that his watch read 8:10. The canine hoped that he could keep his focus in class when it started in twenty minutes. He was so preoccupied by these and other equally gloomy thoughts that he did not notice one of his friends entering the library until she dropped her binder on the table in front of him.
"Hey, Mike. What's up?" she asked. Mike had hoped to avoid that question, but it was obvious to anyone who knew him that he was worried. He usually had an energetic and happy-go-lucky attitude. On a normal day the only time the wolf lacked a smile was when he was engrossed in a book. This particular red fox had known him for a little over year now and was well aware of his temperament.
"Hello, Jess," Mike replied. "Nothing's up. I'm just tired this morning."
He could see that Jess didn't believe him, but she let the comment stand without question. Instead, she sat down and tried to take his mind off whatever was bothering him. The fox attempted to engage him in conversation about school and, when that didn't work, anecdotes about their friends, but she only got one word answers from her glum companion. Finally, she lost patience and decided to try again.
"C'mon Mike, I know there's more to this than being tired. What's really wrong?"
Mike sighed and stared at his paw on the table for a moment. Then, without raising his eyes, he quietly said, "My mom is going for open heart surgery today." He glanced out the window at the December snow before continuing. "The doctor found a growth beneath her heart around a month ago. They don't know what it is, but they know it's not supposed to be there. They say she'll be recovered in time for Christmas, but if something goes wrong...." He left his thought trail off unfinished.
When he looked back into Jess' brown eyes, he saw the concern in them. He took a glance down at himself to see what she saw.
Mike's head fur was never particularly neat, but he knew that today it was worse than usual since he had been running his fingers through it. He had picked a shirt off the floor at random, and the red material was wrinkled. The wolf's jeans were in the same condition as his shirt. He knew that his blue eyes, which normally looked like still water, were clouded by the anxiety he was feeling. His 5' 8'' frame was more fidgety than usual. Overall, he knew he was not disguising his fear very well. Mike took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down and managed to stop his fingers from drumming on the table. When he looked back to Jess, she was just opening her mouth to speak.
"Oh, Mike. I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Mike replied. "It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault."
A hint of displeasure entered Jess' eyes. "You know what I mean. Are you going to be okay? Maybe you shouldn't have come to school today."
"I need something to take my mind off of it," he said, shaking his head. "If I stayed at home, I would go crazy. Crazier than I already am, I mean."
The fox gave a brief smile at her friend's attempted levity. Her expression quickly resumed a somber expression as the first bell rang. "If you need to talk..."
"I know. Thanks, Jess." With those parting words, Mike stood and slowly walked from the library. He did not notice Jess still watching as he left for his English class.
*
The rest of the morning saw Mike in a melancholy mood. When his teachers called upon him, he gave brief answers without his usual conviction or thoughtfulness. His history teacher went so far as asking him what was wrong after class, but Mike simply brushed the question off with a "nothing" and shuffled out the door.
During the twenty minute break before his next class, the wolf decided that he would prefer time alone to the company of his friends and headed to the deserted football field behind the school. He sat with his back against one of the soccer posts and closed his eyes in an attempt to think of other things. He was only partly successful. When his thoughts wandered from the surgery, he found himself thinking of the other things that were wrong with his life. Normally Mike did not mind his small circle of friends, but today he found himself lamenting the small number of good friends he had. He recalled a quote saying if you had five real friends when you die, you've had a great life. Mike reflected that with three good friends, his life could only be described as sub-par.
Once he started down that line of thought, the grey wolf had trouble turning his thoughts to more pleasant topics. As he reflected on his family life more, he realized he hadn't exchanged more than ten words with his brother in the past week despite living in the same house. One of his sisters lived under an hour out of town, and he hadn't spoken with her in a month. He used to talk to his sister that was closest to his age a lot, but she had been spending more and more time elsewhere, whether at work or with her boyfriend. While Mike did not begrudge her this, the realization that he had so few people he could trust or talk to pushed him a little closer to despair.
The wolf considered suicide for a moment. This was not the first time he had thought of it, but he once again concluded he could not. He was too afraid of the pain and death, and he knew how deeply it would affect the few people who did care about him. Mike did not know that many would miss him if he left that way, but thought only of immediate family and close friends. When he mused on how bad life could be, he often overlooked the others that cared about him. He remained silent as a tear rolled down his cheek.
*
Jess was beginning to worry. She was at a corner formed by two hallways in the school where she and her friends often spent their break. While Tiffany, Lauren, and Jake (a leopard, bear, and a wolf, respectively) were there with her, Mike was still nowhere to be seen. Under the pretence of getting a drink, she had gone in that direction to check the library for him, but he was not there. The fox did not think Mike had gone home, but was at a loss as to where he could be. When the others wondered aloud at his absence, Jess merely said that she had seen him before class. She did not think it would be right to share something so personal to Mike.
The five minute bell rang, and the group dispersed. Jess and Tiffany headed toward their mathematics class while Lauren went to English and Jake to physical education. Jess hoped Mike would be in class as he had math too. About a third of the class was in the room when the girls arrived, but there was no sign of Mike yet. Jess sighed as she sat at her desk and straightened the black sweater she was wearing. She was often cold despite her fur. She was in the second column from the left and third row from the front. Tiffany sat two columns to her right. When the second bell rang, the red fox glanced to the back row where Mike sat and was relieved to see him in his desk. However, rather than engaged in conversation with the hyena next to him as was usual, he stared sullenly at the board without a trace of interest in his eyes. Jess tried to catch his eye, but was foiled when the teacher called for the class' attention.
While Mike knew he would have difficulty concentrating on the lesson, he would have been surprised to know that Jess was having almost as much trouble as he was. Her thoughts kept turning with concern to her friend, but she did not know what she could do to distract his focus even if she could talk to him during the lesson. When the lesson concluded and time was given to work on the assignment, Tiffany noticed her friends' unease and wondered what they knew that she did not.
When class ended for lunch, Mike did not wait for his friends and left the class immediately. This further concerned Jess and confirmed beyond doubt for Tiffany that something was wrong. The wolf often complained when the others started to leave without him, and the fact that he was voluntarily alone when he obviously had nowhere he needed to be right away worried the girls. Tiffany asked Jess if she knew anything about it, so Jess told the leopard briefly what Mike had told Jess. The two of them headed to their lockers and hoped they would find Mike downstairs where the five friends normally ate lunch.
*
Mike had gone straight to his locker after class and grabbed his lunch. He was still undecided as to whether or not he would eat his lunch with company or alone. As he walked down a hallway that would put off his decision for a moment, his history teacher, Mr. Peters, came walking down the other way. The wolf often talked to the older tiger outside of class. Mike actually had a relationship with most of his teachers outside the classroom. He was often willing to discuss ideas or trivialities with the staff which made him one of the more recognizable students to the adults in the school. It came as no surprise to Mike when Mr. Peters inquired, "Mike, how are you?"
What came as a slight surprise to the wolf was that he decided to answer honestly. Putting on a façade of contentment or even indifference was too difficult with the worries troubling him, so he said, "Terrible," even though he knew that it would prompt questions he did not really want to answer.
Sure enough, Peters asked, "Why would you say that?"
"Because if life got any worse, I might start drinking just to fit the cliché."
The history teacher had a hint of sternness in his eyes as he put a key in the lock of a nearby classroom and said, "Step in here for a moment, please."
Mike was too emotionally drained to attempt to find an excuse to decline the request, so he walked in and let his teacher pull the door closed behind them. "Now, Mike, why would you say that?" the tiger asked.
Mike was not normally the type to share his emotions or inner thoughts, but he was tired and needed to tell somebody. His problems, perceived and real, had been weighing on him for some time and the added strain of the surgery brought it all out to the surface. "Well," he said, "my brother and I haven't exchanged more than ten words in the last week, I haven't talked to my sister at all in over a month, I have perhaps three friends who I ever see outside of school, my dad is becoming withdrawn and even more pessimistic, and my mom went in for open heart surgery today and nobody knows what's going to happen. All I need now is for my pet to be run over and I have the makings of a good country song," he concluded with an attempt at black humour. Mike did not have a pet, but the way his luck was going, it was just as well that he did not. That is what he thought, at least.
Mr. Peters looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before phrasing his reply. "Mike, no matter how bad things are going, you shouldn't even joke about taking up alcohol. I'm sorry that things aren't going so well for you right now, but drinking isn't the answer. Things will get better."
"I know," Mike replied. He started moving towards the door.
"Mike."
"Yeah?"
"If you ever need to talk-"
"Thanks, Mr. Peters." Mike left the room.
The tiger stayed for a moment, thinking. Then he left and locked the door behind him.
*
Mike ate his lunch while he walked. He never brought much to school, just whatever he could grab in the morning. Sometimes he thought it odd how he could eat a sandwich and be fine until supper while other times he ate a full meal at lunch and still be hungry for supper. He finished his food just as he came to the intersection of hallways where he would have to decide where to go. His friends would be down the stairs to the left, and the way outside was straight ahead. Or he could turn around and head to the library. His friends would go there after they finished eating. Then, a more appealing option occurred to him. He turned right to go to the office.
He retrieved the band room key from beside one of the desks. He had taken it many times before, and he was a familiar face to the secretaries. He headed back towards the library and took a right down to the portables. Band was only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so today, a Monday, no one would be in there. When he unlocked the band room, he did not bother to turn on the lights. He simply closed the door without locking it and went to the electric piano in the front corner of the dark room. His familiarity with the room let him thread his way between the conductor's stand and the stool in the dark. He hit the power button and let his fingers rest on the keys.
He sorted through the songs he knew by memory. His memory for piano was good, but he quickly narrowed the list. He was not in the mood for any jazzy or happy pieces. While he knew quite a few songs that started slow and sad, a lot of them sped up part way through. Discarding the actual songs he knew, he let his fingers travel to the notes for a G minor chord and started to improvise a slow piece.
*
Jess was once again troubled over Mike's absence. She could see that Tiffany, Lauren, and Jake felt much the same. They had just entered the library and saw that Mike wasn't at any of the tables or on the computers. As they sat down, Lauren said, "Do you think he went home?"
Jess replied, "He said he was going to stay." Her tone showed how uncertain she was about her answer.
"Doesn't seem to want company, at any rate," Jake said. "Maybe he did go home."
The conversation started to move towards other topics. Lauren wanted help from Tiffany with some math homework, Jake started sketching in his binder, and Jess took out her notebook of stories and poetry and started writing. After a couple minutes, Jess asked her friends to watch her stuff as she went to the washroom. Had Mike been there, she would have worried that he would try to read her work, but the others weren't as curious or prying as the grey wolf. Although, Jess reflected, today he probably wouldn't care enough to read it anyway.
On the way back to the library, Jess had an idea of where Mike could be. Sometimes over lunch, he liked to play the piano no matter how his mood was. She figured he would probably go there if he did not feel like socializing. Instead of going to the library, she went down to the portables to find Mike.
As she opened the door into the portables, she heard her hunch was correct. She could hear the piano coming from the band room, and she had never heard anyone else go to play piano over lunch. Sometimes some kids went to play the drums, but the fox guessed she would only find one person in there.
When she opened the door, she was surprised to find the room dark. Mike had played in the dark before because he sometimes liked the quiet and feeling of solitude, but his friends did not come to find him in the band room to often. The fox was quiet enough that Mike did not notice her until he finished what he was playing twenty seconds later. He had moved away from his improvised piece in the intervening time and had been playing "Let it Be" when Jess came into the room.
"Hey, Jess. How's things?" Mike asked. He was feeling a little better now that he had spent some time releasing his emotions on the piano.
"Meh," Jess replied. It was her standard response to that question. "How about you? You holding up okay?" she asked.
"I'll be all right," Mike replied. Jess noticed that he used the future tense, but was happy to see some improvement in his attitude.
He still must have seen something in her face though because he added, "Really, I'm fine," with a small smile.
Jess returned his smile and quoted a passage from a movie that Mike said often: "You know what fine stands for, don't you?"
"Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional," the fox and wolf said together.
Mike's smile grew a fraction more as he thought about the friend he had. Hopefully things would turn out well with his mom, but he knew that whatever happened, he had a friend who cared.
Well, my first story with length to it. Just over five pages on OpenOffice. Feel free to leave construtive criticism. I pride myself on my grammar skills, so feel free to point out any errors. On a side note, I am a pretty talented piano player, and if I had the recording equipment, I would put up the song that Mike plays in G minor. Well, not exactly the same; it was improvised after all. Tried to end on a positive note, so let me know how that worked. Oh, and I have a lot of trouble with titles, so any better suggestions would be appreciated. Bonus points to everyone who knows where the movie quote is from. The hyphen after Mr. Peter's last words should be an em-dash, but the alt codes aren't working for me. And lastly, I apologize for any spacing errors. I don't know why, but sometimes it spaces differently in the edit box than it shows for the actual story.