FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Sean groaned as he grabbed for his phone, doing his best to find it in the darkness of his room. Once found and turned on, his eyes squinted to little slits at the sudden brightness of the screen. Once he'd given his eyes the proper amount of time to adjust to the light, he let out yet another, more annoyed, groan when he saw it was five am. Once awake it was difficult for the beagle to fall back asleep so his plans of sleeping in until noon that Saturday had been thrown right out the window.

He considered lying in bed and browsing the web on his phone until the rest of the house got up but the dryness in his mouth had other ideas. Throwing back the duvet, he stepped out of bed and groggily made his way down the hall to the bathroom for a a much needed glass of water. He walked past his older sibling's room, not thinking much of their door being slightly ajar. At least, not until he heard what sounded like sobbing coming from inside.

Sean was surprised to say the least. Riley was the strongest person he knew and never cried. Naturally concerned, he poked his head in through the doorway and gave a quiet, "Riley? You okay?"

The noise immediately stopped. The room was dark, Sean only just able to make out the shape of his sibling sitting up in bed. They moved towards a bedside table and turned on a lamp, the room instantly filling with light.

Sean could now easily see the wet streaks of fur on Riley's cheeks. Riley, however, chose to completely ignore them and instead, with a large, obviously forced grin, said, "Hey, pup. Why you up? Have a bad dream?"

Sean rolled his eyes. "I'm NOT a pup."

Riley sniggered. At fourteen, like most his age, Sean wasn't the biggest fun of being treated like a little kid. Didn't stop Riley from doing it, however. Although, despite how he acted, he didn't mind so much when Riley teased him or called him a pup compared to when others did it. Despite a three year age difference, the two had always been close. Riley never thought twice about including him in whatever they were doing and always had an encouraging word for him when he was down. Maybe that was why he was the first one they told about being non-binary.

Sean had been twelve at the time and, while he'd heard the word transgender thanks to the internet, non-binary had been totally alien to him.

"I'm not really a guy or a girl," they'd said. "I hate being called a girl or a guy, she or he. It's just so..." Riley was a happy person, always willing to give a smile to those that needed it. But in that moment, the pain in their eyes, Sean knew that they needed a smile more than anyone at that moment.

"It's okay," he'd told them before wrapping his arms around them in the biggest hug he could. He didn't really get all of what they were saying at the time but over the next two years he did his research online and asked Riley plenty of questions. He'd said some pretty ignorant things back them but Riley had been patient with him. He had only been twelve, after all. The ignorance that their parents exuded, however...

Sean cringed at the thought of their parents and found himself asking, "Did Mom or Dad say something?"

They didn't like that Riley was non-binary. They didn't like their new name or the fact that they used they/them pronouns. They never gendered them correctly and it was deadname this and deadname that. Sadly, no amount of correcting them seemed to do any good.

"No, it wasn't them. For once," they said with that last part eliciting a growl from the back of their throat.

Sean walked over to the bed and sat down beside Riley who winced at the action. Okay, that was definitely strange. It was then that he noticed they had their thickest wooly blanket wrapped around them, only allowing their head to poke out. The night was hot as hell but he didn't question it. At least until he inched closer and they pulled the blanket even tighter around themselves.

"What's going on, Ry?" he asked, wanting to get to the bottom of it all.

Riley opened and closed their mouth, looking something akin to a gasping fish, before sighing and saying, "It's my binder."

Sean tilted his head to the side. " I thought you threw that away because it got too old and was falling apart?"

"No, I mean my new one."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Um, what about it?"

Not long after coming out to their parents, which they'd done a month after coming out to Sean, Riley had bought their first binder. Their parents refused to help in any way with their transition so they'd bought it themselves with money they'd saved up by doing odd jobs for people in the neighbourhood. It hadn't been cheap but the way their eyes lit up when they got it in the mail had to have been the happiest Sean had ever seen them. But binders weren't meant to last forever and, after two years, it just wasn't wearable anymore. Their original binder they'd purchased from an overseas company they'd heard nothing but glowing reviews from. For their second one they'd decided to get one from a local group they'd managed to find thanks to the power of the internet. They didn't have to wait nearly as long for the new one to arrive and it was cheaper, too. Everything about it just seemed great. However, seeing the matted fur on their cheeks, Sean was guessing that wasn't the case.

"It's absolute shit! It doesn't flatten me at all," they said with a choked sob.

"Well, that explains why you haven't been wearing it."

"But I have been wearing it. See? It's such garbage that you couldn't even tell."

Their body shook from the force of trying not to cry again. Sean reached over to wrap an arm around around their shoulders. "Hey, it's okay-"

"Don't touch me!"

The sudden shriek caused him to jump back. Riley shot him a look that absolutely seethed with rage. He'd never seen Riley so angry and it actually scared him.

"I-I'm sorry," he apologised to the other beagle.

Riley's expression immediately softened at his words, their anger replaced by a look of guilt. "I'm so sorry, Sean. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm just so damn frustrated. I spent so much money on this binder and it's fucking useless."

"I thought it was cheaper than your old one?"

"Cheaper but not cheap."

"Can't you return it?"

"They don't do refunds."

Riley let out a heavy sigh. One of their largest points of dysphoria was their chest. Before getting a binder, they'd always wear the baggiest clothes, even when the weather was absolutely sweltering. They also used to wrap themself in the thickest of blankets as they walked around the house...oh. Them bundled up made a lot more sense now.

"You know," Sean began, "I can help pay for a new one with the allowance Dad gives me. I've got some money saved up."

Riley's eyes began to well up with tears again and Sean quickly tried to backpedal. "I'm sorry! Don't cry again. I shouldn't have offered, please don't be sad."

To Sean's shock and confusion, Riley threw their head back and burst out laughing. "I'm not upset, you daft pup. I'm happy." They wiped at the tears streaming down their face anew. "I know you've been saving up for a bike, you won't bloody shut up about it, but then you go and offer to buy me a binder?"

"I mean, it seemed more important than a bike," Sean said as he blushed.

Riley wrapped their arms around Sean who, while initially shocked at the sudden contact, smiled up at Riley as he leaned into the touch.

"Don't worry about my problems," Riley said to him as they gently rubbed their back. "You get your bike and have fun with your friends. I'll sort this out on my own, okay?"

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking up at them with genuine concern in his eyes.

"As sure as I've ever been." They sighed and added, "I'm sorry I scared you."

"It's fine."

They sat there until the sun's morning light began to shine in through the window. Sean was still worried about Riley but, when they shot him a big smile and offered to make waffles for breakfast, he knew that while bad days would come, so would the good eventually rear their smiling heads.