FSE

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Tucked into a corner of the couch, Niv lazily scrolled through his phone with one hand. With the other, he was absently scratching Mela's chin. Her head lie in his lap as she read a book, stretched across the length of the couch. Rainy weekend mornings often saw them cuddled together in some such manner, sharing a contented silence in their sleepwear.

But today, like many others, a discomfort grew as Niv wrestled with his thoughts. They were all at once far away, and right in his face. These weren't the usual doubts and fears that had grown fond of him, though. Not the vague, intrusive thoughts of an idle mind. Rather, considerations that carried the weight of immediate, tangible consequence.

So lost in his thoughts, he didn't realize when his hand stopped moving, though Mela certainly did. She looked up at him, and in the brief moment before he noticed, she saw his unfocused stare.

"You okay?" She asked softly.

"Yeh..." His reply was quiet, accompanied by a slight nod.

"D'you wanna talk about it?" Mela set the open book against her chest. She was prompted by his hesitation to follow up with a gentle reminder. "We don't have to." It was clear to her that he wanted to, but was having his usual trouble finding courage. She sat up, putting her book aside and placing a hand on his leg. "I'll start some coffee while you think."

Niv watched as she left for the kitchen, a tight feeling growing in his chest. He tried to calm himself with slow, deliberate breathing. The thought of backing out sprang to mind. She'd let him do it, too. He pushed the idea out of his head, leg bouncing in place anxiously, ears falling flat. This was stupid. None of this was necessary, he knew. It would hurt nothing to tell her. Her of all people. Willing himself to his feet, he took a deep breath and walked to the kitchen.

Mela had nearly finished with the coffee maker, looking over her shoulder at him. She said nothing as he sat at the table, but gave him a concerned look. Once she started the pot to brew, she came to sit opposite him.

"Is it serious?" She asked in that same soft tone from before.

"Pfft, no." He smirked, shaking his head. "No, it's dumb... but... it's also, kind of important? In its own way, I guess. Like... personally important rather than actually important. You know?"

"Ah." Of course she knew.

"...And just between us. For now, at least."

"Absolutely."

"Okay," He took a calming breath, "so, there is a preamble. Because of course there is; stalling is what I do." His nervous grin was met with a genuine one as Mela suppressed a giggle. Though it put him more at ease, he still spoke in a reluctant manner. "I've been... keeping a bit of a secret. Something I wanted to explore on my own time, at least to start. I wanted to see how I felt, and if there was anything to it." He began fidgeting with his hands, worrying at his fingers and picking at his nails. "I haven't made any firm decisions yet, but... I think I've reached a point where I want to... explore more openly. And that means... sharing, which I've been working up the nerve." He paused, tapping at the table. "Not to mention, keeping it to myself is starting to eat at me pretty bad." He chuckled. "And... here we are."

"Okay." Mela easily kept pace, ears forward and attentive as she took everything in, ready to follow further.

"I know I don't need to be nervous, but, you know..." He tapped the side his head, and Mela nodded, "the real thing is always a lot harder, so... bear with me."

"Always."

He sat up straight, and while his eyes refused to stay still, he did his best to look her in the face as he spoke. "While you're at work... I've been experimenting..." his gaze steadied as the moment of truth drew near, "with wearing-" His voice caught in his throat as he saw the small change in her expression, a hint of apprehension. He swallowed and blurted out the final word. "Skirts."

"Oh." Mela giggled, her features brightening with relief. Niv wasn't sure what to make of it, but she was quick to reassure him, her tone jovial. "No, I'm sorry. But for a second I thought you were going to say you've been wearing my underwear, and it gave me a very... _interesting_mental image."

"No!" Niv grinned. "I mean, if you wanted me to, maybe..."

"You finally start wearing undies again, and they're mine." Mela said, both of them laughing.

"They don't fit me anyway." He protested sarcastically.

"And _how_do you know that?" She teased him in kind.

"Uh, I have eyes? That can see?" Niv smirked. "And they get to see a lot, you make damn sure of that." Mela shrugged, not an ounce of shame. "But... as much as I enjoy thinking about you in your underwear, we um... we're getting off track." He gave her an anxious, expectant look.

"Right." Mela conceded. She met his eyes with a kind look and a soft smile. "I love that you're trying something new. And I understand why you'd be nervous." Though she sounded casual and supportive, she let show a hint of the enthusiasm bubbling underneath. "I'm proud of you."

"Yeah?" He sounded hopeful, playing with his fingers again.

"Of course." Mela said. "It's not exactly the smoothest road you have your eyes on. Though you don't need me to tell you that, I'm sure. But you're trying it anyway, and I know what it takes for you, just getting this far. It's worth being proud of."

"Still feels a little weird." He said.

"New things often do, but I know you'll figure it out." She reached across the table, taking hold of his hand. "Wherever this takes you, we'll go together. I love you, and I'm here for any help you need -or want­."

"I'm... really glad you feel that way." His voice was a little shaky as he spoke, finally able to let the anxiety slide. "I mean, I kinda figured you would, but it still means a lot to hear it. Thank you." She squeezed his hand, giving him a warm smile.

"Speaking of help! You said you wanted 'more open exploration', yeah? What'd you have in mind?" Mela asked.

"Well, just... doing it while you're home, I guess." He shrugged. "I hadn't quite thought this far ahead, honestly. I just kinda want it to be... normal? No pressure, no weirdness. Just wearing clothes like every other day." A silence lingered, waiting for what else he had to say, but he just shrugged again.

"Well, I'm very onboard." Mela leaned in, speaking again with that calm restraint. She wanted to know everything, but was very aware of herself. Dropping the full brunt of her excitement and curiosity would greatly overwhelm him. It may even do harm. However, she knew there was value in letting a little slip through; it could do them both some good. "If you don't mind my asking... what made you want to try skirts?"

Niv took a deep breath, letting it go with an even measure. He allowed his whole body to relax as he exhaled, skin tingling as he sank into his seat. The Big Deal™ was behind them now, and it had gone quite well.

"You feel better?" Mela smiled.

"GOD_yes. Uhm..." He said with another hefty breath, and Mela giggled. "Well, it's been on my mind for a few years, just sorta floating around. 'What if?', like travelling the world, or building your dream home, or whatever; you think about what you'd do, but it never really... _goes anywhere. Usually comes up around the summer, though, for obvious reasons."

"Right, right." Mela put an elbow on the table, holding her chin as she listened intently. "So what changed?"

"Sewing machine." He gave her a knowing look.

"Aha." Her face lit up as the pieces came together, and he gave her a pointed gesture as if to say 'bingo'. "Is that why you were so keen on getting one?"

"No, it was just the costume stuff." He said. "But when the idea eventually came up again, I was like 'hey wait, I could do that now, and no one has to know about it'." He acted out having the realization and the great interest with which he had considered it. "I waffled for some time, but it wouldn't leave me alone, so I eventually said 'fuck it' and dove in. They aren't great, but they work. Mostly. Still figuring it out." He waved the thought away.

"They?"_She grinned. "Just how long _have you been at this?"

"Uhhhh...." Niv played up an act of being caught, though he couldn't quite manage a straight face. "Ffffive or six months, I think? I've... made a few." He watched as Mela did a bit of mental math.

"That's a decent chunk of time." She said after a moment. "What are your thoughts so far?"

"It's alright." His response was pretty tepid. "Fairly comfortable, physically _and_psychologically. That was a relief."

"A relief?" Mela gave him a puzzled look.

"I was afraid I would hate it. Like, viscerally." He slouched in his seat. "That would have totally contradicted what I've been telling myself for a long time. But... I didn't really feel _anything._It's just clothes, which I'm honestly kinda happy about. It's no 'euphoric revelation' or whatever... but at least I'm not a hypocrite." He shrugged, a bit defensively. "So there's that."

"I feel there's a 'but' in there somewhere." Mela prodded him gently.

"You're always tryin' to feel my butt." The grin he flashed was fleeting, lost as his gaze drifted to the floor. "...I do_hate how I _look." He paused, looking off to the side as he tried to find words. "I feel fine wearing it... but if I see myself..." The thought simply ended with a sigh. "It accentuates my 'figure'," he said derisively, placing a hand on his stomach, "and it just looks wrong with...this..." He gestured broadly at his face, bearing an unpleasant expression. It softened, though, as their eyes met. Mela had that look, and he realized what he was saying. His ears pressed flat against his head under the weight of her pity. Crossing his arms, he held his chin, fingers pressed against his face. "I guess it's just harder to ignore." He sighed.

The beeping of the coffee maker interrupted them. Niv shot a glare its way, mostly annoyed with the sudden loud noise. Mela, however, took it as an opportunity to stand, placing her hands on Niv's shoulders and kissing the top of his head.

"I understand." She said in that compassionate tone; when she knew being _seen_was what he needed. She motioned for him to join her at the counter, and the pair stood in silence while fixing their drinks. She made a point of standing close to him for those few moments, letting her tail curl around his leg. As she took a sip, her fingers briskly tapped at the counter a few times.

"So... Can I see?" Mela asked tentatively, glancing his way. "Or is that going too fast?"

"No." Niv teased her. "I went through all this just to keep it to myself: use your imagination." The weight of the conversation was still present in his voice, but he couldn't help a smirk.

"Well in that case, you're just gonna be naked." Mela fired back, exaggerating a thoughtful pose. "And cooking."

"Imagine fantasizing about a Thursday." The remark seemed an aloud thought to himself, but was clearly meant for her to 'overhear'. His smirk grew as Mela bumped him her hip. A sip of coffee bought him a little extra time to consider her request. She seemed content for him to take it, copying him as he turned and leaned against the counter. Another moment passed before he finally spoke up. "I dunno. I mean, yes,_obviously, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I feel like... We should do it _right now, ride the wave while it's all right here. If I put it off, I might talk myself out of it. But am I thinking clearly if I just jump right in? Waiting could let me reset, and take a more relaxed approach. I'm not sure what to do."

"Hm." Mela tapped her mug thoughtfully. "Let's eat first, then see how you feel. I have some thoughts we can talk over."

"'Kay." He said quietly, nodding. Pushing himself away from the counter, he placed a hand on Mela's arm. With gentle pressure, he urged her to lean down. "Thank you... for being safe." He said, pressing his nose to hers in a quick kiss.