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57

Kiana really didn't know what to do with herself anymore. Previously, it had felt like there were never enough hours in the day to do everything she wanted, but now they seemed to ooze along like snails, and this grim silence hanging over the house wasn't helping.

Mother was sitting by the table, going through all her medicine stuff, carefully arranging them to fit inside her big black bag. Bottles tinkled and knives and scissors clattered against each other. It was a frightful sound.

Father was sitting opposite, doing absolutely nothing at all, not even smoking his pipe. Without that polished piece of calabash sticking out of his mouth and a puff of smoke jetting from his nose, his face looked almost naked. That by itself was enough to make this dreary evening feel like some bizarre dream. She wished he would lean back in his chair, like he always did, balancing precariously on the back legs in that way that always made Mother frown so hard.

Layla had a book in front of her, thick and leather-bound, but it was closed. She kept looking at it, but made no move to open it. Kiana had to restrain herself from reaching over, slapping the damn thing open and yelling: There! Read it! Just read the freaking thing!

She would do no such thing, of course. She was under the same spell. After the debacle that was the welcoming party, there were a lot of Foxes waking up with thick heads, filled to bursting with wine-breath and a healthy dollop of truth. Oh, on the surface everything seemed to be going all right, but you didn't need to look very far to see the differences. Foxes were a little less jovial than usual, a little less chipper, a little less cheerful. You couldn't walk through town without spotting at least three or four people absentmindedly abandoning their daily duties to stare at the mountain, lost in thought. Children weren't running around and having their afternoon snowball fights anymore, but whether that was because they were scared or because their parents had forbidden them from leaving the house was impossible to say. Half the market stalls were closed, and those that were still open were all manned by grim Foxes who seemed more intent on being there as an act of defiance rather than doing any actual business.

A pall had fallen over the valley, and Kiana was no exception. She felt so tired these days, and even the smallest bite of food made her want to throw up. Maybe it was just the baby, but she didn't think it deserved all the blame, or even most of it. No, this sick feeling came from the secrecy still hanging over her head, and the certainty that Mother knew about it.

Kiana rubbed her stomach underneath the table, willing it to calm down. She and Ander had talked for a long, long time after Mateo had blown his top. All alone together, in that warm, cosy room, they had talked about all the problems that worried them, all the actions they could take to fix it, and all the results those actions might bring, and the most important topic was this little miracle right here.

Ander believed it was important to let both families know as soon as possible, but he also said it would be better to wait until the world stopped crashing down around their heads. There were enough things to worry about without throwing an unexpected pregnancy into the mix, and Kiana agreed. Right now, everyone's attention was focussed on the defence of the valley, and they couldn't afford distractions of any kind. Also, there was the horrifically calm assurance of Ander's departing words on the night of the party, right before people started going home.

You'll only need to keep our secret one week longer. Probably less.

My gods, Ander, are you sure?

I am.

Kiana clutched her stomach and tried to calm down. All this stress couldn't be good for the baby.

The clinking and clanking suddenly stopped. Mother was looking at her from the corner of her eye, not moving.

Kiana pretended not to notice, and after a short while, Mother resumed her organizing, carefully checking every label on every bottle before slipping it into its proper place.

Kiana swallowed.

She knows. She has to know. But she hasn't said anything. That must mean she's thinking along the same lines as Ander, right? That this can wait until the real disaster is over?

The crazy urge to just blurt it all out at the top of her lungs still came over her on occasion, but one look at Father's tired, sooty face was always enough to stay her tongue. He had been working in his smithy non-stop for the past three days, forging nails and hammers and countless tools, braces and hinges and strips of metal, heavy crossbow bolts and arrow heads, the list was endless. And he did it all without a single word of complaint, because he understood how important every little contribution was.

She couldn't add a baby on top of all that, not when everyone already had so much on their collective plate. The whole atmosphere was just so noxious. There was so much stress and worry and anxiety and waiting. By the gods the waiting! That was what this pall, this miasma, really was. Thousands of Foxes just sitting around, waiting for something to happen. Just waiting and waiting. She couldn't stand it!

Kiana slowly dragged her claws across the bottom of the table, feeling like she was about to explode. Maybe she should just blurt it out anyway. Maybe she should add to the plate. Anything to get someone to say something! To do something! Anything to get rid of this awful, empty, waiting!

Kiana drew in breath, then bit down on her tongue. She couldn't do it like this. It was wrong. Mother and Father weren't the only ones struggling right now.

Kiana looked out the window. It had been cloudy all day, and now the last silvery shreds of sunlight had bled away to nothing, leaving only this solid darkness behind, infected with flecks of grey snow. They slammed against the glass in a steady patter, driven by an icy wind, and beyond that, where no eyes could see, there was the mountain, the 'Cora' as the Wolves called it. She wondered if Ander was still there, working on his horrific plan. She was shocked when he first brought it up - the bluntness of it, and the sheer directness with which he had talked about it. On some level, Kiana suspected he was trying to shock her on purpose. She thought that, maybe, he was trying to get her to talk him out of it. She was probably the only one who could, but...

There's no halfway, no compromise, no backtracking. It's either one way or the other.

Kiana made to run a hand across her stomach again, but caught herself just in time. If she kept doing obvious stuff like that then even Father would notice eventually.

She sighed a silent sigh, and contemplated her little passenger. They were the real reason behind Ander's conviction. They were the real reason he was finally able to make the decision to go through with it.

Things have changed. There is no choice anymore.

But what would it do to him? Ander was the sweetest, kindest, most caring person in the entire world. For someone like him to be forced into something like this... It would destroy him.

I want us to live so we can be a family, Kiana, and for my family, I will do it. For you, I will do it. For my baby... for our baby... I will do it...

I only hope you can still love me after...

Kiana rubbed her eyes, pretending to be tired, but she was actually wiping the tears away. She didn't think she could handle any difficult questions right now. Maybe she should just excuse herself. If she was going to burst into tears without warning, she would rather do it in the privacy of her own room. At least there she could -

Kiana dropped her hands and saw something appear in the darkness beyond the window. It simply came out of nowhere, a tiny orange spark halfway to the sky. It took a moment for her to realise what it was, but when she did, it was as if all the walls of their house suddenly vanished and winter itself came rushing into her heart. She felt colder than she had ever felt in her entire life. Goosebumps rose up on her arms and legs and her mouth dropped open in a silent gasp.

Father was the first to notice. "Kiana? Something wr-"

She stood up so fast her chair fell over with a clatter, making everyone jump. She was transfixed by that tiny, faraway flash of flame, burning amidst the falling snow. That torch could only mean one thing.

"They're coming."