Second Chances: Chapter 1
#12 of Ar
Author's note - There is gay content in this story so if that disturbs you in anyway, too bad if this is not for you. This is my first story and was originally meant as a cathardic release for my emotions so if it is not up to par, sorry. I did, however start to become attatched to the story line and created a chapter 2 and 3 so if anyone likes this I'll upload the other chapters. Feel free to critisize as I am just starting to write for others to actually view so I'll probably need alot of improvement. Please enjoy.
I wanted to start by saying that where we begin our little tale isn't exactly the most proud moment in my life, in fact I believe it is exactly the opposite. Hi I'm Rose, I know it's a girls name and I hate that my parents don't see anything wrong with it, "it'll toughen the kid up" was my fathers reasoning. It's not too bad though cause I soon earned the nickname Ar. It's short for Arctic Rose, which my friends deemed me for the deep blue color of my fur, alas this has nothing to do with the story, or as I believed it to be, the end of my story.
I was staring at the counter at 6 in the morning sleep deprived, every time I laid in bed the thoughts kept coming back, thoughts that I didn't want to believe existed. My problem here is that I believed that my church and parents were right when they said being gay is a choice. I had tried everything I possibly could to change my thought process, I tried being homophobic, going to church 5 days a week, ignoring that I had any feelings at all, being super flirty with all the girls, and trying to keep so busy and stressed I thought I wouldn't find time for the thoughts to creep in. Nothing helped and nothing changed, as soon as I saw a tented pair of equine pants or a cute lupine ass my mind went wild and in your senior year of high school you see plenty of those. I even ended up quitting the swim team because there was a silver wolf, Luke, that just drove me wild. So after all my plans failed and I had yet to be able to make the "right choice" according to my parents I saw only one avenue that was left, and that was to kick the bucket, say asta la vista, au revoir, my final good night. Suicide just seemed to be the last option available to me and I was surprisingly calm about it is as the foil crinkled as I popped out each of the individual pills from their wrappers. That is so annoying can't the put name brand sleeping pills in a bottle like ibuprofen, I feel like I shouldn't need to exert myself before I commit suicide, at least one thing in my life should be easy. After popping out the pills I arranged them in a square pattern, an odd time for my slight OCD to kick in, and I stared at the 16 neatly arranged pills and took a deep breath. Well all my other plans had failed and I always need a plan, having a plan keeps you on track, it keeps your goals achievable. There was no suicide note; I couldn't fathom disgracing my family with the tid bit of WHY I was doing this.
Well down the hatch. I always was impressed with my ability to dry swallow pills. I felt my chest tighten, and I then stood up and stumbled to the ground. I heard a scream and then black. Nothing. I knew I was going to hell because of the whole being gay thing but this wasn't what I expected. I was standing I blackness, naked, so this was my eternity huh? Suddenly my knees hit the ground followed by my face hitting the "floor". My eyelids were really heavy as I forced them open as best I could.
Shit. A hospital bed.
Apparently even the ability to properly commit suicide is out of my reach. I let out a small sigh and a tear ran down the right side of my face moistening the fur as it travelled. I guess this is a good time to let you in on a little bit more about my physical features. I am a fox with navy blue fur and baby blue "fox socks and sleeves" my ears are long and pointed and seem to slowly change from navy blue at the base to a small white tuft at the top. I also have two unique white birth marks on my face directly under each eye that look like elongated triangles, I've been told It makes me look like I've been crying so much the color simply washed out of my fur. I stand a 6ft even, well not counting ears I think that's cheating when people do that, and I have a slim build not really lanky but definitely thin and without a whole lot of definition. By this point I had stopped crying and in walked a doctor, I had assumed, carrying a clip board and several pens. Which looked a little funny in her small rabbit hands, standard white rabbit type really, looks wise at least.
"Hello, my name is doctor Black and I have a few questions for you..." she paused as she flipped through the chart at the foot if my bed for my name, oh yeah here it comes, "...Rose?" And there was that confused look on her face as she glanced up for approval, as if she needed me to tell her that she wasn't hallucinating when she saw my name.
"Yes. Bur please call me Ar," I said letting her have the sweet peace of mind that seemed to hang in the balance that could be blown to pieces from something like a misplaced chart.
"OK, then mister Miller, I just have a few yes or no questions for you to assess your condition and when you can go home. I am also obligated to inform you that no matter what your responses are you will be held for observation for 24 hours. Do you understand what I have just said?"
"yeah"
"Ok, has anyone else in your family either attempted or committed suicide?
"No"
"Are you currently or have recently abused any substances?"
"Well besides the sleeping pills just now, no"
"Have you ever attempted to commit suicide before this?"
"No"
"Have you lost any loved ones recently?"
"No"
"Do you have any confusion or conflict about you sexual orientation?"
I stopped cold. Why would that be an issue, I mean sure that was the reason I had done what I did but it couldn't be that common. Surely I was just a weak exception to the rule.
"Mr. Miller do you need me to repeat the question?"
"I don't see how that piece of information is any of you damn business!". Oh, shit, if that didn't make it obvious I don't know what would of. "Besides I don't see how that has anything to do with how I attempted to commit suicide". I wish I would think about what I say before I say it a little more, the word attempted just left a sour taste in my mouth that I definitely did not care for.
"Mr. Miller it is obviously relevant, research shows that youths with same-sex romantic partnerships are twice as likely to attempt suicide. The stress of coming to terms with ones sexual identity in a culture that generally shuns or demeans minority sexual preferences contributes to this self-destructive behavior. These youth generally also have less parental and peer support."
I just sat there and absorbed what she said and was speechless. I tried to open my mouth to say something but nothing came out. "If you need you can circle yes or no on this questionnaire and return it to me when you finish."
"I'll do that" I spluttered out as quickly as I possibly could. I started breathing a little bit heavier trying to catch my breath, I couldn't tell if it was the medication or the fact that someone just mentioned the gay thing out loud so easily and clinically that it felt like a heavy blow to the stomach. "Do you have to tell my parents?"
"It is your choice Mr. Miller, you are now 18 and therefore have all the privilege of doctor patient confidentiality."
"Thank you" was all I managed to whisper. As I filled out the questionnaire I realized now how many categories for possible suicide an warning signs I fit under, teen male over the age of 16, sleeplessness, pessimistic, recent loss of religious beliefs, helplessness, and viewing yourself as isolated. Although one question did make me giggle, which got an eyebrow raise from the doctor was, "Have you ever inquired how to become an organ donor?". I guess it made sense but it was right between the questions "Have you ever found yourself telling people you've decided to kill yourself?" and "Do you believe in suicide as an answer?". So it just seemed a little ridiculous.
After the questionnaire was filled out she brought my mom into the room and my ears dropped and my eyes fell to the floor so heavy I felt like my gaze could break through the linoleum covered floors. My mother was an arctic fox who stood at 5'9" and had brown tips to her white fur, with brilliant hazel eyes that watered so painfully they seemed to weigh on my soul. Apparently I had forgotten that my mother leaves for work at around 6:30. 'So that's where the scream came from' I reasoned. Maybe if I hadn't taken so long to take the pills out if those damned wrappers it wouldn't of just been an attempt.
She broke through the silence with one simple word, "Why?". I couldn't help it, I broke down in tears. You would have too if you felt those eyes. She just stood there off a little bit to the side, as the grief dissipated it was replaced with disappointment. Nothing new there. "When you can answer me call and I'll be right there, and we'll make a plan. Just like always we can get through this, we can get through anything". I just nodded and continued sobbing as she left the room.
The rest of my 24 hour "observation" period went by fairly uneventfully. "Observation" was just a not so secret code for make sure he doesn't try to off himself again. Besides being bored and not being allowed visitors, not that any would come, the day just crept by in that hospital bed. At the end they gave me back my clothes and just had me sign out to leave as I walked home.
It was November and it was my version of perfect weather, in So Cal it's usually just dry heat... And I am not a fan of it but, in November it gets cloudy and cool breezes blow and it gets nice and chilly. The kind of weather where you want to stay inside and curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and relax. I love cold weather, I guess that's just another reason for the "Arctic" in my nickname.
On the way to my house from the hospital there is a tiny, insignificant, and at night, shady park that is nice in the cool morning breeze. I walk over to the benches and sat down to enjoy the breeze, completely ignoring my current situation, when I heard some soft sobs from behind me. I turned around and there he was, that
beautiful silver wolf from the swim team, the one who has the crystal clear blue eyes that make you think his soul is pure with the black tips of his cute silver ears, the one that my dreams were made of, and he was crying.
"Hey Luke"