Chapter 9: Mean
#9 of The Mating Season 5
Chapter 9: Mean
Though Kilyan had sworn to himself that he would not, he couldn't resist asking his father that morning as they set out if it was true: was it true that Kel and Aliona had no intention of ever returning to the summer village to live? Kilyan wasn't oblivious: he saw the large bulk of his parent's belongings: this was a journey they did not intend on coming back from. And after checking his parent's hut in secret, he had gone there to find it was almost bare. The cabinets, the floors, even their marriage bed of so many happy years. To see such a thing had solidified the truth, and Kilyan, with a painful sting beating in his chest, went to his old bedroom, sat on the edge of the low bed, and for a very long time, just looked around the room - this now gloomy room where he had grown up - and let the truth sink in. But . . . he just couldn't believe it. And he felt silly and childish for his misery: he was an adult, fully grown, way past the age of clinging to his mother's tail; for even in his twenties a male was allowed to want his mother and father near for wisdom and guidance. Still . . . it had been more than that for Kilyan. He had always wanted his parents near because he loved and honored them, probably more than Keeno had ever realized as he teased his best friend, "Kilyan, you're such a mama's boy." But Kilyan knew he was too old to make such protests anymore: he was going on forty.
"My son," was Kel's quiet reply that gloomy morning they set out, "a wolf can not choose who he is or who he loves."
"Or who she loves," added Aliona playfully.
The aging wolves smiled at each other, and lifting Aliona's chin as they walked, Kel kissed her.
Still troubled, Kilyan sighed and dropped back to walk with Keeno. Between him and his parents walked Wynn - whose hips, he was irritated to see, were swinging more than should be allowed - and behind him bringing up the rear was solemn and pensive Inden.
"So swear it to me again," said Keeno, "Roriana is dead. Done. Kaput."
"As a doornail," said Kilyan, who was staring at the ground as they walked. When he clutched the strap of his traveling pack and kept brooding, Keeno sighed and said, "All right, what is it now? It's not just Avi. I know the worried-about-seeing-Avi look and you haven't worn that since breakfast."
Kilyan laughed. "Maybe you're right, Keeno. Maybe I am just a mama's boy. But . . . I don't want them to go."
Kilyan was surprised when Keeno said fondly, "Nothing wrong with that, Kil. It's called love. Family. Closeness. And if anyone tells you you're wrong for wanting your parents around, tell them to eat shit."
Kilyan looked at his friend and said, "Keeno?"
"Yeah?"
"Eat shit."
Kilyan laughed and dodged a playful swipe at his head, and they would have continued their boyish play-fighting had not Kel cleared his throat: they were exiting the southern gates of the village. It was time to be wary and on the alert. Embarrassed by Wynn's small smile and Inden's carefully averted eyes, Kilyan and Keeno cleared their throats and didn't speak again until the group made camp around noon.
Wolves usually traveled at night and slept during the day, but the group sat awake that afternoon because of the sudden downpour. It was a bad time of year to be traveling, the rainy seasons, but Kel and Aliona were adamant about visiting Zaldon, who they explained had made it very clear that he had no intention of ever seeing them again. And Kilyan knew that if he did not return Wynn to the jungle as soon as possible, trouble was going to erupt in the summer village. The very thought of Wynn large with an unwanted pup terrified him. And so there they all sat on the edge of the southern woods, gathered close together under a tree as the sky lashed whips of lightning across the clouds.
Inden sat in the center of them all, his great wings spread to cover the heads of Wynn and Aliona in gentlemanly fashion. On Aliona's other side sat stern-faced Kel (who was using the old stern look to hide his more characteristic worry), and on the other side of Wynn sat Kilyan and Keeno.
Presently, Aliona said what they'd all been thinking, "There's no getting anywhere in this."
Kilyan leaned back against a tree, spear in paw, and heard his father sigh somewhere in the gloom. No one wanted to say it, but Aliona was right. The group needed to cross the wastelands, and given the sheer lack of protection in that desolate place, there was no getting across without certain misery. Kilyan glanced sideways at his daughter and thought wearily: Wynn had chosen the perfect time to start getting out of control.
"So what do we do?" Keeno wondered. He was sitting upright beside Kilyan, his spear standing straight up as he clutched it in both paws. His muscular arms were cast in sharp silhouette in the darkness after a sudden flash of lightning.
"The only thing we can," Kel answered. "We wait until it stops."
"If it stops." Kilyan wanted to say that, but he knew better: his father would only give him a stern look and Kel would be right: what was the point in scaring everyone? Of course the rain was going to stop, of course they would make it to their destinations and everything would be alright . . . right? Kilyan closed his eyes and listened to the rain. God, he hoped so. He hoped that just for once things would be straight-forward and boring as hell: no rapes, no abductions, no fights to the death . . . He thought of Avi and wondered how she was, how she looked, if she had taken another mate. How old would she be now? In her late twenties? No, her early thirties. Ah, she was probably still such a pretty thing. Pretty. It was a word for a girl, not a fully grown female. But Avi would always be sixteen to Kilyan. He thought of the night he first touched her with a smile. So trembling and scared she had been! So young! "Couldn't we just try?" he had asked her so many times that last time he had seen her. And so many times, she had said no.
The jungle was calling her. The jungle was her duty. The jungle came first. Always the damned jungle! Didn't Kilyan's feelings matter at all? And now here was Wynn, doing the same thing her mother had: leaving him for the jungle! Kilyan thought of Lea and Ohana, how they'd argued and snapped at him all night, and how in a defiant rage he had finally stormed from the hut and gone to the village council to ask permission to return Wynn to the jungle. They had tried to stop him and Ohana had even grabbed his tail, but he firmly and gently pushed his wives off and marched outside. "How can they be so selfish?" he remembered growling as he stormed through the dark streets. Didn't they think it hurt him too? Didn't they think he was just as angry that Wynn was leaving them? But many hours later, Kilyan resented pushing his wives, even gently. He and Lea and Ohana had never been so mean to each other.
God, to think what one fun night with Avi had done to his life. Not that he regretted it. He was in love with Avi now and regretted nothing but the pain he had caused her and their child and everyone else who had been affected. Wynn's coming into the world had been like a ripple in his placid pond. But if he had it to do all over again, he would have taken Avi with him, lifted her up in his arms and fled into the jungle without looking back.
Sitting there watching sadly as slender, black Wynn hugged her knees, Kilyan wondered what his life would be like without his daughter. It would probably be so empty without his Wynn. Fiery Wynn, who never hesitated to talk back, jerk her chin, flash her tail, and swing her little hips as she followed Lea down the street with a basket. Her tiny paws and dimpled back, her high breasts, her little waist . . . she was just a young duplicate of Avi. And everywhere she went, the eyes of young males were glued to her. The very worst thing? She knew it. She would glance over her shoulder and down at her own rump, then smile, as if to say, "Look what I got." And Kilyan, angry and alarmed as he witnessed this on his way home from patrol, would grab Wynn by the arm and march her into the hut.
Wild Wynn. He hated his daughter's nickname, hated the hoots and mockery he was subject to every time he walked the streets, but he loved his daughter more than life itself. Because her very existence gave him utter and complete joy. Having her around . . . it was sometimes so much like having Avi there that he felt an ache in his heart to think his little girl was going "home." Wynn had said that! "Going home." And seeing the pained look in her father's eye, she had quickly assured him that the summer village was her home too . . . but Kilyan knew better.
Kilyan cleared his throat to banish the thoughts. "Will we cast lots for first watch, Father?"
Peering miserably out at the rainy wastelands, Kel shook his head. "Keeno and I will have second watch. I suggest the rest of you get some sleep. We'll be walking all night to reach the sacred stones before dawn." With that, Kel set to work helping Aliona roll out their sleeping furs.
Kilyan's heart sank: he would have first watch with Inden. He glanced furtively at the young male, who looked just as unhappy about the arrangement as Kilyan. Inden's sheltering wings stiffened when he heard his name uttered by Kel, and though he tried to hide his anxieties, Kilyan could see the black feathers jerking in tiny spasms.
Kilyan folded his arms over his spear. "Very well, Father," he said, trying to keep the bitter rage from erupting through tightened lips. He was still just so angry at Inden! How could the boy do such a thing? He was still trying to understand it. No, screw understanding it. He wanted to punch Inden out of his fur.
The others were settling in to sleep when Wynn announced that she had to "go." She stood and dusted herself off, and Kilyan was about to accompany her when Kel ordered Inden to do it. Kilyan's mouth almost dropped open, and Inden's cheeks went a miserable shade of plum. Wynn, with her ears pricked forward in her surprise, glanced at her father as if she hadn't heard Kel right.
"Do what your grandfather says," Kilyan told her quietly and did not look at his daughter or Inden.
Swallowing her surprise, Wynn moved into the trees without looking at Inden. Clumsy and embarrassed, Inden followed. They went as far from the camp as they dared, never speaking until Wynn found a decent spot and squatted to go. Still fumbling and uncertain, Inden turned away and stood holding his spear in one awkward paw. He hated when the sound of Wynn's urine tinkling as it hit the leaves made his cheeks go a deeper shade: listening to her go drew his young mind to that hot area between her little thighs, an area that had been so tight and wet and unrelenting in its grasp. He cleared his throat in a miserable attempt to banish such thoughts, but saw out of the corner of his eye that Wynn was wiping herself with a leaf. It looked for a moment as if she was touching herself, and Inden felt with a miserable leap of his heart his dick stand upright. He groaned.
Wynn looked up and smiled. "Aren't you glad you were with me finally, Inden?" she whispered, rising slowly out of her squat. Her shapely body twisted as she stood, and Inden looked firmly away when her raven curls spilled back over her shoulder, revealing a high tit and the hard black nipple that jutted from it.
"Well, I was glad," Wynn said a little angrily. "Why aren't you?"
Inden looked at her and saw the tight lips, the hard jaw that was so much like her father's when she was angry. She stood with one paw on her hip, which was thrust to the side as she watched him.
"You know why," Inden snapped. "How can you even ask that? We are both spoiled now, and even worse, your father hates me!"
"Spoiled? Inden! I'm not a bowl of milk! I'm a living, breathing girl who has the same needs as any male, and I shouldn't have to stifle them because I'm a female!"
"You're right," said Inden, startling his lover. "You shouldn't have to stifle your desires because you're a female. You should be stifling them because you are young. Because too many partners is dangerous. Because we're in love and I wanted our first time to be special!"
Wynn's ears flattened into her curls and she guiltily averted her gaze when Inden jabbed an accusatory finger at her. His wings fluttered in agitation behind him, and his face twisted with such emotion that Wynn held back the urge to run to him and hug him tight. She was suddenly so sorry, so sorry for everything. She had never wanted to hurt Inden. How could she make him understand that? It had hurt her just as much, him not wanting to be with her. In the jungle, a wolf's very first intimacy was the ultimate expression of love, and Inden had refused to give that to her! So in her anger she had squandered her body to too many males to count. And she had sought to hurt Inden as much as his refusal hurt her.
"We're not in the jungle, Wynn," Inden answered when Wynn explained these things. "In the summer village, I could not touch you and at the same time please your father! And now the friendship I have with Kilyan - it is destroyed! Everything I have worked so hard for . . . Wynn, I've lost you. Don't you see that? I didn't touch you out of love for you!"
Wynn took a few steps back as Inden started approaching, his entire body tense as he said through flashing fangs, "And then to betray me with Sylas a second time - Sylas, who I swore to beat into a white lump if he touched you again --"
"You won't lay a finger on Sylas!" Wynn burst more passionately than she meant. Her breasts were heaving from the wild outburst, and she sounded so protective of Sylas, so wildly emotional and terrified, that she bit her lip and placed a slender paw on her chest to catch her breath, glaring in the opposite direction when Inden's accusing eyes zeroed in on her face.
"So that's it," Inden whispered. "That's why you let him touch you after you swore to me . . . You love him." Wretchedly defeated, Inden bowed his head and turned his back. He lifted his free paw, and Wynn knew he was pinching the flesh between his eyes, holding back tears. Inden had always been so sensitive.
"But how can you love him?" Inden said through his teeth. "You let any and every male touch you. Why is Sylas so damned special to the village slut?"
"I let him touch me," Wynn growled out, "because you're a winged vagina!"
Inden's back tensed and his tail dropped low. He said in a solemn voice, "If I see Sylas again, he's dead."
"You put a paw on Sylas, and we're over."
"Nothing will stop me."
"Then we're over."
Inden lifted his face to the sky, and Wynn knew he was letting the rain blend with his sudden rush of tears. His long mane fell back around his thick neck as he said in a convincingly strong and clear voice, "That's it then?"
"That's it."
And though Wynn's voice was just as clear and strong, she too was crying.
You used to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You used to send me flowers
If you fucked up in my dreams
I used to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
But now you roll your eyes
And walk away and shake your head
When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking
How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be
Always sentimental when
I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new
And we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me
You'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me
And you tell me that you're tired
You know I get so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you had
And all those sorries ain't never gonna mean a thing, oh
How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be
We said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck tryna hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually
Now do we stay together
Cuz we're scared to be alone?
We got so used to this abuse
It kind of feels like home
But my baby, I just really wanna know
How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free?
Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be
- If I don't have to tell you who the artist of this song is, either you pay attention or we have some things in common