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Cheese and Crackers

Written by TheCrimsonDM

Copyright 2022

The city of Gold and Silver, it was a beautiful city and one of the largest in all the land of Books and Baths. It wasn't even too far away from the queen's castle either. Well a couple of hours south but not that far. In this city there were many species of the gathering, practically any you could name was here from the common rabbit, to the rarest of dragons. It was in this city that a particularly uncanny duo was about to get wrapped up into a crazy event.

In a small cramped office on the 8th story of a tall building. With two metal desks, two uncomfortable chairs, and with filing cabinets, old paperback novels, newspapers and any other junk item one could imagine haphazardly shoved into the room, a lone rabbit sat at his desk and searching through various files looking for the right thing to save the day.

Cheese sat at his desk in the little office he had purchased with his partner. At the moment he was busy reviewing potential cases they could work on. That stupid Detective Purrlock and his assistant Pawson had taken the last three cases they found and solved them before Cheese could even smell the adventure. No, he was not going to let this slide. He needed adventure, excitement, mystery, suspense, and love.

Only one of which he could easily get from his partner. Cheese was a droopy-eared rabbit, the whole Hops family was like that in fact. His white fur was stained with some dirt from digging around in the crawl space trying to find a rat today, he just made himself messy. Brushing a hand through his dirty brown hair he wondered if it even mattered. None of these cases would pay enough to make rent, and the ones that did were above their pay grade. What were they, the Mystery Crew? Nah, they needed a talking pet before they could do that and perhaps some kind of THC-laced snacks.

No he'd keep searching until he found one that worked with their skills and needs.

The door opened and his partner walked into their office. The door was an old wooden thing that creaked, the glass window was cracked, and as it opened up it hit a stack of well-used paperback novels, knocking them over into a pile. His partner in question was a green feathered parrot with dark blue hair covering half his face and wearing a pair of jeans, and a long-sleeved v-neck, dark gray. In his arms he held a large metal box and he had to use his leg to close the door shut behind him.

His partner spoke, "You having any luck... where are your clothes?"

Cheese looked down at himself. Yes, he was naked. No he did not care. "Crackers, we have bigger fish to fry than me being naked."

Crackers gave him a look over. "Bigger's not that hard to do, Cheese."

Cheese rolled his eyes. "Shut it, bird brain. I'm trying to make money and fun here."

"You can make one of those things, and I wish it brought us money." Crackers set the metal box down on his desk, opposite of Cheese's and began prodding the lock with his fingers.

Cheese was feeling a bit more distracted now and set the file aside. "Whatchu looking at big boy?"

"I'm only five feet and eight inches tall, it's not that I'm big, your just four and a half feet of short." Crackers replied dryly. "I'm looking at this metal box a client gave me. They said that if we could solve the mystery of what's inside it, and what it means he'll give us a few thousand grave coins."

Cheese sat upright. "What the fun? Seriously? A few thousand? That would pay our rent, and let us go get dinner at some nice place. Like Mcburger."

Crackers gave him a cold glare. His one blue eye did not seem amused. "Mcburger is fast food, I was thinking at least go to the International House of Bacon."

"Eh, I could take or leave IHOB. Still, I'm excited to see what's in there."

Cracker's eyes trailed down. "Yes, I can see that. Please put some clothes on, it's distracting."

Cheese rolled his eyes. "Fine you big baby." Cheese grabbed his clothing. A simple outfit to be sure. A pair of jean short shorts, a white tank top, and a red flannel shirt that he kept the sleeves rolled up on. It was too hot to wear long sleeves here. How Crackers managed it was beyond his imagination.

Once dressed he hopped over to Cracker's side and looked down at the metal lock keeping it shut. He frowned. "Well I don't know how to open that. You got magic or something right, being a bird brain and all?"

"Not all birds or deer have magic. Even though I do have magic, it's not useful for lock picking."

Cheese let out a defeated sigh. "I knew I shouldn't have asked. Alright, I'll do this my way."

Crackers raised an eyebrow but once Cheese pulled out the firecracker and the lighter he nearly jumped back. "Cheese! We're inside the office, you can't-"

Cheese lit the fire cracker. "Can't what?"

Crackers backed up further as Cheese shoved the firecracker up the lock's hole, stuffing it nice and tight. That lock wasn't going poop for a week after this. After that he jumped back himself and watched. After a few seconds the firecracker popped its load and the lock exploded. It fell in at least two pieces onto the desk, spent.

Crackers glared at him. "You didn't have to do that."

Cheese shrugged dismissively and walked to the metal box placing a hand on it. He could feel the mystery inside, just waiting to be opened, explored, and played with. His heart was racing. "You can't pick locks remember? And I'm impatient."

"No, Cheese, I meant that I have the key."

Cheese looked at him as Crackers pulled out the old metal key. "Well I'll be, you could have said that sooner. Oh well, a firecracker well spent is never a mistake."

Crackers groaned.

Cheese shoved open the metal box, it was larger than his head so he was sure it had to have had something amazing inside. Something big, valuable, hot. Oh he couldn't wait. Once it was fully opened he looked into it and his nose wrinkled. It was a book... not even a fun book like a Playbunny. No it was just an old leather bound book, brown in color and written in some language he couldn't make heads nor tales of. It was also locked.

"Crackers, what gives? It's a freaking book, and you know I can't read. There better be pictures inside there."

Crackers rolled his eye. "You can read just fine. It's just written in the language of the Ol' Diggers... let's see, I'm a little rusty but I think it says... Secrets of the Clan."

"Hoo boy! Secrets, I love secrets. Oh, Crackers, won't you tell me your secrets?" Cheese fluttered his eyes for extra measure.

Crackers ignored him. "It's locked."

"I know that, how do we fix that? My firecracker's too big to go in that hole."

"I do not believe anyone has said that to you before, not even once."

Cheese pouted. "Come on ol' buddy, best pal, friendo express. How do we break-in?"

Crackers picked up the book and weighed it in his hands. "Hmm... I think we'll have to go to the place where this box was found. Our client told me as much."

"Who's our client anyhow?"

"Are you familiar with the Giraffe, Mister Tall?"

"Oh boy, not the rich snob again."

"Yes, well he had one of his servants hire us. Because they'd already hired the other 'good' detectives for other projects and this one wasn't important enough to worry about the damage. He also said we should be good at handling garbage."

"We are good at that!" Cheese exclaimed. "I dig through your garbage all the time."

Crackers seemed to ignore the comment. "Anyway, he told me the address. It's an old abandoned factory at the edge of the city. I think we should be able to find some clues there."

"Man, I just gotta get a clue."

"I don't think you've ever gotten a clue before."

"I know right, but today's my day. I can feel it in my bunny butt, we're gonna strike it rich. Or well at least pay rent and get some better than mediocre food."

"I can agree to that."

"So Polly, what's the name of this old place we're going to anyway?"

"The Ink Factory."

"You mean the old abandoned ink factory that is said to be haunted by ghosts? Hooboy! Count me in, this is gonna be fun."

***

Cheese and Crackers arrived at the location a little later on. They took their van out to the scene, it wasn't a mystery machine by any means. In fact on the side was a picture of a male rabbit holding some kind of frosting tube in between his legs as it sprayed out thick off color frosting. The label under it said, 'the cream machine'. It was an advert for an old sweets company that went bankrupt with the advent of Host Us.

They pulled into an old driveway, long since abandoned with a few ruined vehicles laying about. Most of which had been stripped to the bare skeleton. The actual factory itself was a giant towering building with boarded-up windows. The front doors had been kicked in and a simple sign made of iron and rusted by age read, "The Ink Factory."

They stepped out of the van, turned it off, locked it and got ready. Cheese pumped a fist in the air. "I ain't 'fraid of no ghost!"

Crackers was by his side a moment later. "I'm pretty sure ghosts aren't real. Eldritch horrors from the stars, toxic masses of burbling slime, dragons, those are all real. Ghosts not so much.'

Cheese looked at him. "Awww come on man, do ya have to do that? Now I'm more worried about slime monsters molesting me than ghosts possessing me."

Crackers shrugged. He had a backpack on, a brown thing that had gone through more rough engagements than Cheese had gone through loafs of bread. The book was safely locked away inside the backpack so that the moment they found the key they could open it.

They began their walk to the front door of the old Ink Factory. Crackers spoke as they did. "Apparently Mr.Tall had tried to cut the lock off. The blades they all used went dull or broke before the leather binding would. It must be warded against damage."

Cheese shrugged. "Probably, them Ol' Diggers may be mostly gophers, but hey, they knew their runes and wards. I betcha they had to have a lot of sex to make all that magic work."

Crackers rolled his eye. "Do you know how magic works?"

"Uh... not really. Everyone has lust energy, if you screw around enough, fiddle the right places, something magical happens, etc."

Crackers shook his head. "Let's not talk about magic then. Let's just go inside and get molested by slime monsters."

"Hey, I did not say I wanted to do that... not that I would say no or anything, but I didn't say that was my goal per se."

They walked through the front doors and entered into the large open space. The floor sunk in a good twenty feet in front of them revealing that there was a factory floor beneath them. Tall machines, rusted with age and long abandoned stood. Vats, now empty of anything had remained, and the air smelled faintly of copper. There were catwalks going to and from over the factory floor, but with the rust on them and with pieces missing, they did not look any safer.

Cheese snapped his fingers. "Aw, snap. This place is a wreck. How do we find any keys in here?"

Crackers shrugged. "They found the book didn't they?"

Cheese looked up at his buddy. "Actually that's a great question, why was there a book and a metal box in here that had nothing to do with ink production. In fact, what kind of ink did they make here? What color was it? What did it taste like?"

Crackers began walking to one of the catwalks. "Let's try and focus."

Cheese giggled madly. "Alright. I'll try..."

"And don't stare at my tail feathers the whole time>'

"You take the fun out of everything."

"Someone has to."

"No, no they don't. No one has to remove fun from the equation, you just suck."

Crackers glanced over his shoulder. "I would, but it's really hard to find what to suck on when you're that small."

Cheese gasped as they continued onto the old failing catwalk. How dare he, just because Cheese was a rabbit, he wasn't that small... okay he wasn't that big either, but not that small. Oh he'd show him, somehow. Tall feather-brained bird dork.

They were halfway across the catwalk when they saw it connected to an old office. Once that also had its door broken down. Probably thanks to Mr. Tall's goons. They began walking in that direction.

Something inside the office moved.

They both froze.

Crackers spoke in a hushed tone. "Did you bring any weapons?"

"You mean like a vibro-blade? Or a dildo-gun? No, no I did not."

Crackers blinked. "Why the hell do you have a dil... never mind. I do not want to know the answer to that.

Cheese opened up his shirt pocket and pulled out a dill pickle. "Oh, I always keep a dill on me. What do you take me for? Crazy?"

The shadows in the office moved again. This time they saw it. Some large, dark shape undulated inside the office. The shape was followed by a low, terrifying groan. It sent shivers up Cheese's spine to hear it. Maybe there really was a slime monster after all. A terrible ink slime monster, filled with toxins, and bendy-arms like an old cartoon, and ready to infect them.

Crackers pointed at the office window. Just on top of it they could see some junk. From old remotes, to buttons and switches long since removed. Finally Cheese saw it, he saw keys. Not just one key, no, there were at least a dozen keys there with various shapes, sizes, and colors. All inside the office, all inside with the strange moving shapes.

Crackers hummed. "We need those keys, Cheese."

Cheese nodded. "Yeah, we do."

Crackers rubbed his green feathery chin. "Okay, I have an idea. You're small."

"Hey, I'm not that small..."

"I meant in height."

"That too."

"What I'm saying is that you can sneak into tight places without people even knowing you've gone in."

"That's what he said."

"No that's what I said. Now listen."

"No."

"You need to sneak in there, grab the keys, and then get out. Can you do that little buddy?"

Cheese looked up at him. His droopy ears twitched. "Oh come on, you can smell that monster from here. It smells rank. I don't wanna go in there."

Crackers smiled. "Come on my little Cheese Doodle. Please?"

Cheese let out a sigh of defeat. "You know I can't say no to being called your cheese doodle... fine. But if I get horribly molested by the slime monster, and end up making a huge mess, you have to clean me up."

"Deal."

"With your tongue."

"D-wait, I take it back. I'll go myself. W-wait-"

Cheese went on all fours and scampered over to the door. He was careful, quick and quiet. The three skills that led to him getting in trouble when he would sneak into the locker rooms in college. He peered into the room and saw the huge shape in the corner. Still too dark to make out clearly, but boy did it smell in here. The thing was also making all sorts of small noises. Grunts, groans, and heavy breathing. It sounded horrible, just awful.

Cheese snuck into the room. Careful not to make a single sound as he walked over broken glass, and just barely avoided kicking over an old tin can. Once he got to the desk in the office he carefully grabbed the keys. One by one to make sure that he made no sound. He shoved them into his pockets, hoping that none would get lost on the return trip.

He reached out for the last key and found it sitting right next to a humongous pink bra... wait... that was not an old discarded thing, it was fresh, hell it even still smelled like a lady. Following the pink bra he found a pair panties, then a skirt and blouse. A pair of pants, some boxers, and a shirt.

He looked over at the corner once more where the huge, undulating mass was and could see dark brown, nearly black fur. Limbs, mouths.

Oh...

OH...

Oh.

Cheese snuck back out and met up with Crackers. "Man, you wouldn't believe it."

Crackers blinked. "Why? What was it? Was it really made out of ink?"

"You ever see two grizzly bears hump before? Nasty."

Crackers looked very, very confused. Well Cheese would explain later, in egregious details, because hooboy did he have a story to tell. For now the two of them left as quickly as they could and quietly too.

Once back outside at the Cream Machine, they pulled out the book and all the keys. One after the other they tried them. They went through almost all of them before they found one that actually worked. The lock clicked and the book opened.

Cheese couldn't wait. He had to see what was inside the book. They'd gone all this way for it after all. Once it was opened, he saw the pages and realized he still couldn't read the language of the Ol' Diggers... it was just a mess of symbols to his eyes. Like penciled out vomit on paper.

Crackers smiled. "I see, secret indeed."

"What is it? I can't read, tell me what it says!"

Crackers chuckled. "It's a list of secret recipes used in cooking. Do you know how much this book would go for on the market? It's a hot piece with the right collector."

Cheese sat down on the pavement. "You mean, we went through all that, just to find a thousand year old cook book!"

"No we did that to get paid. Me stealing the recipes for our dinner tonight is a bonus."

Cheese let out an exasperated sigh. "I almost got sucked into a bear orgy! I would have had my little bunny bones crushed by meaty bear hips! I wanted spooky, scary, mystery! NOT COOKING!"

"But you're hungry too right?"

"Yes... fine. I'll allow it, this once!"

Crackers snickered, put the book and its key back and climbed into the driver seat. "Come on, our client's waiting."

Cheese groaned and picked himself up. At least he was getting food out of this.

The end