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46

• midnight.

Renna pulled her head back inside the tent, more frightened than she had ever been in her entire life. Nilia had told her to be ready to go when the moon reached its highest point, but she didn't know if she'd be able to. She hugged the little bag she had packed against her stomach, feeling like she was about to throw up at any second, but she couldn't afford to do that. She couldn't afford to make any sound at all.

Mother was sleeping just a few feet away.

Renna's hand went up to her mouth almost automatically, but she had already chewed her nails down to ugly stubs, so she wound her tail around her ankles and rocked back and forth, ever so slightly, quiet as a mouse, and she waited. And whenever it felt like she was about to cry, she would shut her eyes tight and bite down on her lip until the sensation passed.

It was almost time. Almost time to go. Almost time to leave her entire world behind.

Or die trying.

Either way, she would never see home or her mother again. As she was now, sleeping on her side with her back turned, the patchwork pelts slowly rising and falling as she breathed, would be the last memory Renna would ever have of her.

Was it time yet? She risked another quick peek at the sky outside. Even though it was smattered with countless stars, it was still the blackest sky she had ever seen. And the moon, its crescent shape as sharp as a blade, was almost directly overhead.

"You're leaving tonight, aren't you?" Mother sighed, making the pelts whisper as they rubbed against each other. She did not speak loudly, or even turn around, but her voice alone was more than enough to pierce Renna's heart with terror, like a bug impaled on a needle, writhing in silent agony.

She sat perfectly still in the dark, unable to move even if she had dared to, not even breathing, hoping that Mother would assume that her only daughter was still fast asleep, praying that she would not turn over...

"I know you're awake, Renna. Stop pretending."

What should she do? Did she really fail before she even had a chance to try? Renna's hand went up to the side of her face, gingerly touching the spot where Mother had struck her. It was swollen and painful, but not as painful as what might be happening to her friends this very moment.

She found herself caught in the familiar grip of her mother's authority, instantly transported back to her days as a pup, unable to find the right words to explain her actions or to beg for mercy. She felt trapped. Mother hadn't moved a muscle, and yet she had chained her down simply by saying her name. Renna knew what it meant to disobey her, and she knew that this was the greatest betrayal she had ever committed, worse than any that came before, but she also knew that this was something she had to do. She had to fight. Even if Mother demanded her to stay, she had to fight. Even if the scared little part of her that was always huddling in the corner chewing her fingernails wanted to stay, she had to fight. She had to break free, no matter what. And the only way to do that was to say it, no matter how painful. "Mother? I..."

"Go."

That single word hung in the air between them like a giant spider hanging from a thread. Never before had a single syllable evoked so many conflicting emotions within her, rooting her to the spot, unable to even comprehend what was happening. "W- What?"

"I said go. Leave. Do whatever it is you're planning to do. I don't care anymore."

"B- But, Mother..." Renna's voice was already breaking, and the shadows were starting to smear together as her eyes filled with tears. This was not what she was expecting at all. "If I go... I don't think I can ever come back..."

She lay with her face right up against the canvas of their tent, unmoving.

"Mother?"

"I've never been able to understand you, Renna," she said. "I tried. Cora knows I tried. But you were just too different."

"I'm sorry..." Renna said out of habit, hot tears spilling down her swollen cheeks.

"I tried to make you strong. I tried to make you into the daughter I always wanted. But no matter what I said, no matter what I did, you always stayed you."

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop apologising!" she hissed in the dark, making Renna flinch. She bowed her head and tried her very best not to cry. She knew how much Mother hated her pitiful mewling, but there was simply no way to hold it all in. She covered her mouth with both hands and settled for crying as quietly as possible, letting the tears leak from her eyes without a sound.

"I've never been able to understand you," Mother whispered. "But maybe, somewhere else, you'll find someone who can."

Renna slowly lowered her hands. "Mother?"

"Don't talk to me anymore. Just go."

"But you -"

"Go!"

Renna scrambled to her feet, but froze at the exit, her fingers curled around the flap of their tent in a death grip. This was a line she would have to cross, and once she did, there would be no going back. Once she stepped outside into this cold winter's night, she would never set foot inside this tent again. Was she supposed to feel happy or sad? She still didn't know. She thought she had prepared her heart for what she was about to do, for what she needed to do, but she never thought... that her own mother... Telling her daughter to leave when she knew she would never come back? It was the worst blow Renna had ever received by her hand.

She looked back, and Mother was still lying with her back turned, nothing but a lump of animal skins in the dark. She couldn't leave it like this. Not like this.

"Mother? I... I love you." Renna waited for her to say something, to show some sign, but she did not answer, and she did not move. Renna wiped the tears from her eyes and tried again. "I love you."

She did not answer. She did not move.

Renna swallowed back the sob in her throat and clutched her chest, feeling like her heart was about to break. She tried one last time, speaking in a voice so choked with sorrow it didn't even sound like her own. "I love you..."

She did not answer.

She did not move.

She was simply a faceless back in the dark.

Renna sobbed and clapped a hand over her mouth, staring at the bundle of animal pelts.

Please, Mother. Tell me you love me back. Tell me you'll miss me. Tell me you don't want to let me go! I'll be a good girl from now on, just please...

Don't turn your back on me. Don't let this be my last memory of you.

Please... before I go...

Won't you look at me?

Please... please look at me...

"M- Mother?"

"GET OUT!"

That was what finally did it. That was what broke Renna's heart.

*

Aisa lay in the dark, listening to her daughter cry. She waited, and she waited, until, finally, Renna stepped outside. There was a brief gust of icy cold wind, and then all was still. She listened to the footsteps outside, slowly fading away, crunching through the snow, but it was only when they had disappeared completely that she allowed herself to do what she had been fighting against the whole night long.

She wept.

"I love you, too... Renna..." she whispered in the dark, now completely and utterly alone, and she knew she didn't have anyone to blame but herself. "Please forgive me... I had to do it... I had to..." She covered her face and she cried in silence, just as her daughter had.