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38

Kiana was somewhere in that strange place between sleeping and waking, where the real world could slip through and merge with her dreams. She could hear his heartbeat, could feel it thudding lightly against her cheek. She could feel the weight of his arm around her shoulders and the gentle touch of his hand. She could feel his soft warmth all around her, even greater than the heat washing over them from the fireplace, crackling merrily somewhere beyond her closed eyelids.

This was the most wonderful dream she had ever had, only...

It wasn't really a dream at all.

Kiana opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Ander's leather vest and a tuft of his light brown fur, slowly rising up and down as he breathed. She looked up and had to stifle a giggle. He had fallen asleep in such a way that his head had lolled off to the side, and now the back of the padded bench he had made was smooshing his cheek upwards, making him look so adorably goofy she just wanted to hug and kiss him all over.

"Ander..." she whispered. "Are you awake?"

He flicked his ears, muttered something unintelligible, and slid down a little further, smooshing his cheek even more so that some of his teeth and gums showed beneath his lip.

She reached up and gave him a quick peck on the nose, feeling so much love for him it bordered on physical pain.

Ander yawned, but instead of waking up he pulled her in closer, hugging her to his chest. She laughed out loud and snuggled against him, feeling a bit like a child's bed-doll.

His hand shifted down and came to rest on the gentle swell of her belly, and that caused her smile to fade ever so slightly.

She put both her hands over his, bathed in the warm, flickering glow of the fire.

Two months had passed since that night, and she'd been lucky so far, but no more. She was starting to show, and with a midwife for a mother it was only a matter of time before she was found out.

What was she going to do?

She bit her bottom lip, rested her head against his chest, and looked up at his sleeping face. The logical thing would be just to tell him, but... she was scared.

She remembered the way he had slept when he first came here after that horrible incident with his brother, the way he used to toss and turn, moaning and gasping, cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, constantly being attacked by dreams so terrible he refused to even talk about them. But now he was finally at peace. She could see it on his face. She could hear it in his words. She could feel it in the way he held her.

He was happy. Everything was absolutely perfect just the way it was.

A baby would change everything. It would impact every aspect of their lives and neither of them were ready for such drama and responsibility. She didn't want to risk shattering the happiness he had worked so hard to attain, but...

Maybe the news would make him even happier?

Kiana started to chew on her thumb claw, slightly disgusted by the little clicking noises it made against her teeth, but she was too nervous to stop. Just thinking about the tiny life growing inside of her made her feel nauseous.

Maybe Layla would know what to -

No. Terrible, terrible idea. Layla would jump for joy at the thought of becoming an aunt. Kiana could see her right now, climbing up on the rooftops and yelling for the whole village to hear: 'Hey everyone, my sister is preggers!'

It was a good thing her hand was already near her mouth. It made stifling the unexpected burst of giggles much easier.

Ander snorted and Kiana lay perfectly still, her hands clapped over her mouth, fighting to keep it all bottled in. After a while he licked his lips and settled down again, breathing softly.

Kiana let the pent-up air rush out of her lungs in a noiseless whoosh and lay back, thinking that maybe she should just enjoy this time they have together, just the two of them, and let Future Kiana deal with whatever problems might raise their ugly heads down the line. Past Kiana was a total bitch, but Future Kiana was always dependable. She could take care of anything. Of course none of this was her concern, Present Kiana, so she'd just relax and not worry about anything. Not a single thing. Not a single teeny tiny teensy weensy little thing.

Like the baby growing in her womb.

Dammit.

She let her eyes wander through Ander's home, desperate to find anything to take her mind off things. Despite being built for a Wolf, it was pretty small compared to most of the other houses in town. Still, it was by no means a 'shack' as Mateo had so inelegantly put it.

There were shelves upon shelves lining the walls, with every inch occupied by all of Ander's artistic endeavours. There were little wooden carvings of Wolves and Foxes, deer, stags, owls, woodpeckers, squirrels, just about every animal under the sun. There were spiderwebs of string spanning intricately woven rings of river reeds and decorated with beads and feathers hanging from the ceiling. There were charcoal sketches of the valley adorning the wall opposite the big window, where the light would shine in brightly every morning. There were big chunks of flattened tree bark with tribal patterns and glyphs carefully scorched into the rough surface with coals. And off in the corner, displayed with no less pride than any of his other works, there was a set of hilariously deformed glass balls from his attempts at glass blowing (one of the few skills he couldn't master right away).

Looking at all these little bits and bobs was like looking at pieces of Ander's Soul, and it made her love for him glow even brighter.

He used to be so shy about these things, hiding them away under his bed. It was a leftover from his time in that prison, where his people would regard his talents with nothing but scorn and mockery, and sometimes even violence. It made her so mad she just wanted to -

No, that time was over now, and slowly but surely he was coming out of his shell. He was coming to understand that building things, creating art, taking everyday scraps and making them into something beautiful, was not wrong. It was a miracle.

She remembered the day he came out of Father's smithy, all bashful, and gave Mother that stern little carving that now watched over their kitchen table. She had held it in her hands, and Ander had looked so big and out of place, all covered in bandages and his head almost touching the ceiling. He had asked her if she liked it, and Mother had violated her own repeated admonitions by giving him a great big hug in response.

The next day, Kiana had sat and watched him work on the next one, mesmerized by the way those big fingers of his could carve out such delicate little details, trying not to giggle whenever he unconsciously stuck out his tongue in concentration. By the time it was halfway done, she could already tell that this particular carving would go to Sarah. It was in the shape of the face and in the slim build of her body.

She had asked him what these carvings actually meant to him, and what he was trying to say with them.

His fingers paused, his tongue slowly crept back into his mouth, and he had pondered her question. The answer he finally gave came as no surprise, but it still touched her deeply.

Back in my old life, these carvings were the only way for me to really connect with my family. Everything else I did was always useless, or dangerous, or blasphemous, or cowardly, or a thousand other things. But not these carvings. I could make something for the Wolves I cared about, and they would care back, even if only a little. Even Banno liked the carving I had made of him, so maybe that gives you an idea. It was a way for me to show how I felt on the inside without being punished for it. I guess that's why I practiced so much. If I could make a perfect carving, with every hew and cut and scratch in just the right place, then that meant I could show more and more of what I was feeling. Even though it was only in a disguised form, it still felt good to get it out. And when I saw the smile on Hezzi's face that first time, I knew he could see through to what I was actually saying, and that meant a lot, not just to me, but to him, too. To both of us. I know things are different here, and that I don't have to send my feelings out in 'code', but to me, it's still one of the best ways I have to let the ones I care about know that I care about them, that I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, and that I... that I love them.

He had shrugged and gone back to work, etching out the area around Sarah's eyes with the tip of his knife. But I guess that's a lot to pin on one little figurine, huh?

Kiana had gotten up from her chair, walked around the table, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

You say a lot more with these than you think, Ander, she had said, pressing her body against his back, wrapping her arms around his middle, and resting her head on his shoulder. And every Fox who receives one of your carvings knows exactly what it is you're giving them. It's not just a piece of wood. It's a piece of your heart.

Wow. Thinking back on her little speech now it all seemed so terribly sappy. But then again, didn't they deserve a sappy moment or two? Most people would deny it, but she thought that, secretly, everybody desired to have an abundance of sappy moments in their lives, dripping with honey and cream. And what was so wrong with that?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

She caressed Ander's hand, and he lightly rubbed the swell of her belly, perhaps feeling the life of his unborn child in the depths of his slumber.

Making something out of nothing. It was the most beautiful miracle of them all.

Ander yawned and stretched out his arms with a groan. He looked around, blinked his bleary eyes, and saw Kiana all snuggled up against him. "Oh hey down there," he said. "Did I fall asleep?"

"We both did," Kiana said with a smile.

"Oh, that's okay then."

She laughed. "Afraid you'd missed something? I assure you, my sleeping face is a wholly un-entertaining and blessedly boring affair, a perfect example of poise and dignity. Unlike yours..."

"And what's wrong with my sleeping face?" he asked, trying to sound grumpy and failing miserably at it.

"Oh, nothing, nothing... But maybe you should ask that wet patch of drool on the cushions instead, hmm?"

"Hey, come here!"

"Hee-hee!" Kiana giggled as Ander caressed the side of her face and bent down so that the tips of their noses were almost touching.

"I love you, Kiana," he said, looking down at her with those big, brown eyes of his.

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, closing the final inch of distance between them. "I love you, too."

Their lips locked together in a long, passionate kiss that seemed to make time itself stand still. Even when it ended, they still didn't part. They stayed together, their lips lightly touching, staring into each other's eyes.

Now's the time, a little voice spoke up inside of her. Just tell him.

"Ander?" she said, feeling like she was about to explode in his arms.

"Yes?" His breath flowed over her lips as he spoke, making her feel numb and lightheaded.

"I..." How was she supposed do this? Just blurt it out? That seemed so uncouth. "There's something that I... I need to..."

Everything was so quiet. She could hear her own heart beating, suddenly doubled. She could hear the fire crackling somewhere in the background, but except for those two things it was as if sound itself had ceased to exist. There wasn't even any wind blowing against the house, no snow pelting the windows, no -

No snow.

"Hey, it stopped snowing!" she said and practically leapt out of his arms and rushed towards the window. She looked outside and was almost blinded by the pure white expanse stretching out before her. The snow was so deep it almost reached all the way up to the glass, and she was immediately overcome with almost childlike glee and excitement. "Ooh! Let's go outside! I wanna see!"

"Erm... okay?" Ander said, sounding slightly bewildered by the sudden change in atmosphere. But so what? There was so much snow!

Awfully excited about a pile of cold wet slush, don't you think?

She pushed the thought away and went straight for the front door, feeling only slightly sick to her stomach. She pulled it open, revealing a solid wall of snow that rose all the way up to her chest.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, jumping back as clumps of snow tumbled down to the floor. "Look at this!"

"Hmm..." Ander scratched his chin and pondered the situation. "Maybe I can build something to help with this..."

"They already have a tool for this. It's called a 'shovel'."

"But shovels are so boring. What if I made one that heats up? Or burns like a lantern? Or is part of a series of shovels attached to a track that spins around and around? Or -"

"Or what if you blow the house up? There's that, too."

"Then I'll build a better house. An un-blowuppable one. That's a word now."

"All right, Mr Smartypants. How about you put that brain to use and help me get ov-OOOH my!"

Next thing she knew Ander had literally swept her off her feet, lifting her up to his chest, his big strong arms supporting her back and the crooks of her knees. She giggled uncontrollably, but with great effort managed to ask what he was doing.

"Helping," he said and rolled his eyes, as if it should have been self-evident.

"Hey, don't act like you're doing this out of courtesy and not because you like fondling my tail, you dirty Wolf!" she said and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder.

"And don't you pretend like you don't like it, you sexy vixen."

Kiana stuck her tongue out at him and he burst out laughing. It was a wonderful, carefree sound, devoid of the worry that had plagued him as he poured over the unfinished carving of his little brother. It was a sound she'd like to hear more often.

"Up you go," Ander said and lifted her up onto the ledge of snow so she could wriggle through the gap beneath the doorframe like a caterpillar.

After the cosy warmth of the fire the sudden cold outside was like a slap in the face, but in a good way. She stood up, brushed the snow off her dress and looked around, her mouth agape.

The world was completely transformed. Everything was covered in a blanket of white as far as the eye could see, with swathes of blinding sunlight reflecting off the curves of the hills. The log bench was completely buried, as if it had never been there. Everything was pure and calm and quiet.

Something suddenly closed around her ankle and she gasped out loud, but it was only Ander, reaching through the gap in the doorway. "Hey, Kiana?" he asked, looking up at her from ground level.

"Hmm?" This might actually be the first time I've ever looked down on him, she thought with some amusement.

"Was there... something you wanted to tell me?"

Her smile wavered, but she managed to keep it intact. He looked so strangely small from this angle, so fragile, trapped inside that little rectangle at her feet. She loved him so deeply it frightened her sometimes.

"I just wanted to tell you that... I've never been so happy in my entire life, Ander. And that's the truth."

His smile was so warm, and she hated herself for being such a coward.

"Me, too, Kiana," he said. "Me, too."