FSE

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formerly SoFurry search engine

Chapter 15

The day penetrated the dingy coffee shop in ways that seemed to defy everything he knew about science. Everything was cast in a golden glow, even though only two small windows were set into the wall, many feet away from the tall bar table Jayden sat at. He waited silently with his hands clutching a ceramic coffee cup that you'd expect more in a diner than a coffee shop. The warmth that radiated around his hands exhilarated all his senses, making him feel a surge of happiness as he felt the way his sweatshirt warded off the morning chill.

This coffee shop had never really been well known, but it'd always had this homey charm that not many people quite understood. Artists left their paintings on the walls, authors left their books on the tables, and musicians left a tangible electricity in the air when they struck the notes on their guitars. It never really looked like much, especially with its three sofas, two loves seats, numerous dining tables, and recliners, but to Jayden it always seemed to signify free thinking. And, on top of that, it had some of the best coffee he'd ever tasted, now so more than ever.

He tasted the faintest bit of ginger as he swallowed and replaced his cup on the table to look at Paige with a mixture of happiness, and regret, hoping for some kind of forgiveness that he knew he didn't even deserve. But, it was funny to think that the one thing that he had always angered him about Paige was the one thing that would save their friendship. Her ability to understand him just as well as she understood herself was some kind of freestanding apology card that never let them stay mad at each other for very long.

It was the kind of feeling that had let Jayden continually forgive Francis, even after all the things he'd done wrong. And, Jayden had to admit, he worried that Paige's constant forgiveness would be the things that destroyed their friendship in the end, but he decided it was best to live his life, at least for now, one sentence at a time. It'd take a lot to repair the damage he'd done, between his lies and his harsh words, but if anyone could forgive him, it'd be Paige.

"Francis came over last night," Jayden started, drinking the piping hot coffee once more, feeling his insides tingle with a nervous pleasure, "he started apologizing for all the things he'd done wrong. He said he was really going to try to change this time."

"He's said that to you a hundred times before, what makes this time any different?" Paige asked coolly, leaning forward into the table, making the fake leather bar stool crackle with age.

"Tammy broke up with him again, and he seemed to think that she meant it for real this time. She was even threatening to take the baby from him, and not let him see her," Jayden explained, the lingering remnants of his pity and sympathy pulling his smile into the slightest curl of a frown.

"She wouldn't do that," Paige said, rolling her eyes as she drank her iced coffee with the smallest huff, taming herself. She probably wanted to tell Jayden off for even considering the possibility that Francis had changed, but she didn't. Perhaps she felt that same glimpse of hope that Jayden had seen in Francis. Or, perhaps, even she'd learned something about herself because of Francis, "She couldn't do that. That would involve a ton of work on her part, deeming him unfit to see her. I mean, courts hate separating kids from their parents unless they really have to."

"I know that," Jayden said with a quick show of his teeth and an upward glance at Paige, who seemed shocked by his smile, "he knew that, too. I think he just wanted me to feel bad for him, and to be there for him."

"But, what about Audrey? Why didn't he go to her?" Paige asked, resting one arm on the edge of the table while using the other to hold up her head, which was probably full of as many questions as Jayden's. But, neither of them really knew the answers to most of them.

"No clue," Jayden sighed, "I wondered that myself. Maybe she turned him down, or maybe I was always his first choice, but seeing me hurt him too much. I mean, I don't know for sure. I'll probably never know for sure. All I can do is keep guessing."

"Did you give in like you always do?" Paige questioned, some of that harsh banter returning to her voice. Coming from anyone else's mouth, it would probably mean disapproval, or disdain, or even anger, but from Paige, it meant that he still had a chance. It meant that he was back in.

"I, uh - no, I didn't," Jayden muttered with a sly smirk as he looked at Paige.

"No?" Paige wondered aloud, pursing her lips with a curiosity that needed to be sated.

"I told him the friendship was over, and it'd been over for a long time. I told him to leave and take his stuff with him. And, he did. He left."

Paige sat back up straight, her eyes showing intense approval mixed with the slightest bit of pride, probably feeling like she had finally managed to get through to Jayden. It had actually been Francis that changed his life, and his mind, but she didn't need to know that, so he'd let her have her moment.

Looking around the quiet store, he saw a bunch of faces that he'd seen before, but had never really bothered getting to know. This place made everyone want to be themselves, yet Jayden had yet to take the chance of letting someone truly get to know him. Two wolves sat on the love seat, talking about something animatedly, their hands flailing around dangerously. A fox sat with a hyena, and a bear with a tiger, but one otter sat alone with his guitar in his lap, tapping his foot slowly as he strummed contently.

He didn't know the tune, but Jayden realized just how much it helped soothe his heart. It seemed to defy all logic, or any possible description. It was both happy and sad, but as it lifted his mood, it sent a chill down his spine. But, whatever it was, it was beautiful and he almost forgot where he was until Paige tapped shoulder.

"Do you think you'll hear from him?" Paige asked, spinning the dregs on the bottom of her cup thoughtfully. This wasn't something he'd thought about extensively, but it was something that he knew the answer to.

"I'll hear from. I know I will. But, honestly, I realized something. I realized that I care about him, I just don't care for him. I mean, I don't wish him any ill-will or anything, and I hope life is kind to him, as long as it's not a life I'm involved in," Jayden answered and bottom ring of Paige's cup fell onto the table with a clatter as she rest both her hands on top of it, a smile forming slowly.

"Think Tammy will take him back?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I guess it's really not my story anymore," Jayden said, his eyes drifting back over to the guitarist as the song changed, but was no less perfect than the last.

"You're right, it's not," Paige said, trying to figure out what it was that Jayden was looking so intently at, "but, I guess their history is similar to yours. She broke up with him and still took him back, despite all the lies and alibis. Even Audrey kept taking him back after she found out just what kind of person he was. If they doesn't speak volumes about him, I don't know what will. He's not like you, Jayden, he's looking to stay the same. You never had a chance because he never wanted you to."

"I know," Jayden agreed with a smile. The truth didn't come with that deadly sting that he'd grown so accustomed to, and, yes, it still hurt thinking about all the times that he'd been taken advantage of, or lied to, but at least now he knew he was past that and could really move on. He'd said it before, but it had never been with the right inflection, or for the right reasons. Every time he'd said it before, he'd said it under his breath, like he didn't even believe it. Just like Francis had, "but I guess there will always be parts of me wondering how things could have ended, or what could have been said differently."

"You'll always wonder. We all do. That's what keeps us going; we see the things we've done wrong and we remember them, so we know not to repeat it. There'll always be questions, but all you can really do is look at your past for what it was, a moment in time. You love, and you lose, but you're still alive to keep going," Paige rambled, and Jayden folded his arms on the table as he studied the book some other author had left for the world. Flipping through the pages transiently, he looked at Paige as she rammed her finger into the wooden table, "You finally realized all that, Jayden, but Francis hasn't. I dare you to text him, right now, and be surprised when he says that he's with Tammy, or Audrey, or whoever."

"I have no doubt that he hasn't changed," Jayden mumbled to what still remained for his coffee.

"I just have to ask; what made you realize all this? I tried for months, but I never got through to you. What was it that finally made all the pieces fall into place?"

"I'm not completely sure," Jayden said, "I guess I just finally wanted to accept it all. At first, I wanted him to admit he hurt me, and admit the things he'd done wrong, just so I wouldn't have to feel like I wasn't the only one to blame. Eventually, I realized that it was disrespectful to the both of us to expect him to be someone he wasn't."

"You know, you're too good for him," Paige stated firmly and Jayden looked up at her with a curious perk of his eyebrow, "and, no, I don't mean that in the sense of him being a bad person. What I mean is, your heart is too big. You were well within your right to just kick him out, and tell him to fuck off, but you stuck with him, even after all the pain he'd caused you. There need to be more people like that, more people who are willing to give a second chance."

"My forgiveness is what caused all this in the first place," Jayden said, listening to the song change and the idle chatter die down even lower as everyone was drawn to unwavering singing of the otter with the guitar.

"Perhaps," Paige whispered, "but, it's also one of your greatest strengths. It's what makes you a great friend, and it's what lets you teach everyone to do the same. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be sitting in this coffee shop right now."

While Jayden didn't know that the meaning of life was, he realized that he did know what it meant to him. To live each day in the moment, but never be too afraid to explore. And, the words that floated through the air just happened to be his new favorite song; it said everything in a way that made everything fit better: I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I know I don't want to wait anymore.

"Can I ask you one more question? I promise it's the last," Paige asked after the singing stopped and the guitar was packed away, letting all the colliding words fill the dampened air.

"Go for it."

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but how is it possible for you to fall so madly in love with someone who always made you aware that it'd never work?"

Jayden lowered his head as he thought about it, trying to sift through over a year of thoughts with an impossible precision, trying to find a needle in a haystack. But, the more he looked, the more obvious and simple it became; it was his greatest strength that was his greatest flaw. Sucking on his lip, a small squeak escaped him as he looked at Paige with a great knowledge that rivaled hers.

"It's because I... began to look at the small things a little too closely. I knew that he was hurting me, but every time he did something right, I saw it as a reason to hold on. A reason to believe he was changing. It just took me a little while to realize that it wasn't because he was changing, it was because even a broken clock is right twice a day."

Jayden stuck by what he had said before; it was always about those small, insignificant moments, because the next time you look, they could be gone. But, you also couldn't be afraid to let go, because you could lose what you really wanted by missing what you had once had.

"Hey, Paige?" Jayden continued, turning to lean his back against the wall. Paige did the same, and they watched the people silently. Watching all the couples, and watching all the loners, and watching all the starved artists, wondering where it was exactly they fit in to all of it.

"Yea?"

"What would you say if I told you that, no matter how far ahead into the future I look, I see myself alone? And, I don't even see myself as afraid, or sad, or lonely. I just see myself... alone."

"I'd say you're just afraid. But, we all are. None of us really know what's in the future," Paige answered sagely, and Jayden folded his arms across his chest, his face turning uncharacteristically stiff and serious, "I've been with my boyfriend for a few years now, but sometimes I still picture my future and my dreams without anyone else in them. At first, it was because I was afraid of the future and what it might hold, but, eventually, I just got to the point where I realized that my happy ending didn't have to be exactly like I imagined it, it just had to be happy. Whether I was with someone or not."

Jayden hopped down from the chair, grabbing both his cup and hers as he turned to walk to the counter. She followed close behind as he placed the two cups beside the sink and talked quickly to the woman behind the register. The answer Paige had given him was so simple and ingenious it was no wonder he'd never thought of it.

"So, you mean to say that my happy ending was a cup of coffee? That feels like such a rip-off. I hear massage therapists give a great happy ending if you ask them politely," Jayden grinned as he leaned onto the counter dramatically. Paige rolled her eyes at him, but he just gave a loud huff and rolled his eyes back.

"Ready to go own some newbs tonight?" Paige asked with a chuckle.

"If 'newbs' means 'you,' then, yes, I'm definitely ready to go own some newbs tonight."

"Ass," Paige grumbled as Jayden fished through his pocket, trying to find what money he still had. Pulling out a five, he placed it on the counter remorselessly and grabbed the two iced coffees.

"Only for you, baby, only for you," Jayden said, pushing Paige towards the door with his shoulder, making her stumble drunkenly past all the other customers. Some of them laughed, and some of them ignored them, but Jayden didn't care, because he liked the feeling that his renewed laughter brought.

"Aw, hell, if I knew you were paying I would have told her I wanted a large," Paige crooned as she collided with the closed door, the force opening it just enough for them to squeeze through.

"I think reinstating my gaming authority is worth the five bucks, so, move!"

Stopping outside the car, Paige unlocked the doors and Jayden sat down with a grin as he buckled himself in. Paige's door opened and she did the same, her hand pausing with the key in the ignition. Turning Jayden seriously, he wondered what it was that he'd done wrong, or what it was he hadn't apologized for.

"Welcome back, Jayden, I honestly thought I lost you for a while there," Paige said and Jayden let half a laugh escape his lips as he cracked his knuckles nervously.

"It takes more than a few bad relationships for me to become a complete loss."

"Don't forget the few hundred bucks you lost."

"Well, there was that, too," Jayden laughed as the engine came to life, "but, money isn't that important."

"Why do I feel like that sentence should end with 'just kidding'?"

~

Running a towel through his fur, Jayden hummed to himself lazily as he passed down the hall, not even caring that he was completely naked. He'd just gotten out of the shower, his mother wasn't home, and it's not like he lived with anyone. Besides, the temperature was perfect and the way the late spring air dried him naturally felt nice. He felt free, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. He also felt completely, well, naked.

All the windows in the apartment were open, creating a nice little cross breeze, making his fur sway gently. As he walked down the dimly lit hall and into his room, he passed to his chest of drawers, no longer having to worry about anything littering the floors. Sure, his curtains were open and he'd give anyone passing by a free show, but if they were walking around at three in the morning, they probably deserved it.

Eying the dried yellow rose on top of his dresser, Jayden scrunched up his nose and pulled out a pair of boxers. Slipping them on as he hopped clumsily across the floor, he landed in his computer chair with a weak grunt, sitting there with a smirk.

Paige had stayed well after midnight, and he could proudly say that he'd come back out on top, showing the poor little fox not to mess with him. Lucky for him, it turned out that killing zombies was very much like riding a bike; you never quite forgot how to do it properly. It also turned out that no matter how many times he saw a head explode, he would still laughed maniacally like the immature teenager he was.

He'd actually gone through with the dare Paige had made at the coffee shop earlier that day, only to find that Francis had gotten back together with Tammy. People really were as predictable as they seemed, especially the ones that you'd spent a year of your life attached to. Francis hadn't changed, and he probably would never change, at least not until he wanted to. But, what could possibly go wrong in your life if you set no expectations of yourself?

The whole time he'd been in the shower, he'd just stood there and wondered what it was about Francis that had made him so unforgettable and so able to manipulate Jayden, but he came up empty handed. In the end, he learned that it wasn't all that important, because, compared to the lessons he'd learned, he wasn't sure how else Francis could change his life anymore. He was gone, and only his memories remained. Eventually, not even those would be trapped up there in his head, and the only thing that he'd remember about Francis was how he'd been Jayden's moving force. He felt big things getting ready to happen in his life, and he wasn't quite sure why. Maybe it was just because he once again felt free.

Jayden had always thought a lot about art, and he thought a lot about words, or songs, only because they always seemed to be the most beautiful way to represent despair, or joy, or love. The best artist could make sadness enjoyable, and the best musician could make you flutter with the trappings of love, and the best author could take something you felt everyday of your life, and say it in ways that would make you rediscover something you thought you already knew.

He'd always looked at life as a bunch of lines, and brush strokes, and colors; something that always made up something bigger, something heavenly. But, he'd always thought that from where he stood, he'd never be able to see everything, or see how the seemingly inert objects mixed with the soul of the picture to create everything.

It shocked him to learn that it was much simpler than he had thought to understand the majesty of the art. To see the whole picture, and to see the mountains and valleys of every paint stroke, and to see the delicate way every color melded to create the story on the canvas, you needed to see it from every perspective.

We see everything through everything, and we see our lives through others. To see what you see as the painting is shallow, but when we see another person's perspective, or another persons feelings, or another person interpretations, we see just how complex, and stunning it all really is. No perspective, or feeling, or person is wrong; it's merely something different.

Jayden never could quite decipher Francis' perspective, or understand his story, so he could never see what they had for what it was, or see how it fit into the whole picture. All he had needed to do, the whole time, was see it the way he'd seen everything else; through someone else's eyes.

And, like he'd said, the matter was simple; they'd both gotten themselves into something they weren't quite ready for. We all go through life thinking we can change people, thinking we can find a greater meaning, or a deeper pond, and we all like to think that we matter to people, that we're important to them, but, the truth is, if you manage to touch the heart of even a single person, for at least a short while, you're better off than most people.

We look for acceptance in everyone we meet, especially the people that matter to us, and we spend our every moment trying to get them to care, and, when we do, sometimes it's hard to let go. We never stop hoping for love, or respect, or kindness from the ones we care about, but sometimes we learn to stop looking for it. His father had taught him that.

When his grandmother died, he was the only one willing to see it for what it was. And, now, he was finally willing to see Francis for what he was; his short moment in time where he could touch the heart of one single person.

Now that he'd seen the whole picture, or their whole relationship, he'd realized it wasn't quite the extraordinary work he'd imagined it'd be. All it had ended up being was splotches of paint on a thin, thin canvas. It had no greater meaning, it had no greater purpose, and it was nothing more than it was.

As he sat down in his chair, staring at his computer screen, he decided to follow Alan's advice, and do the one thing that he'd learned from that short moment. He didn't understand everything that had happened just yet, but, in time, he would. He pulled out his keyboard and rest his hands on it pensively.

"Dear Francis, one day in the shower I got to thinking..."