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30

Dorin felt like throwing up again, but there was nothing left in his stomach. He didn't understand what he was feeling. It was like a terrible, empty, sucking sensation deep inside, like he was about to collapse inward like an unstable bonfire...

There was a bonfire at Ander's trial. Remember that? The way it roared with the wind? The way it burnt Garten's fur right off his body?

Dorin hawked a bitter glob of blood into the snow. It looked so ugly down there, all red and phlegmy against the white, so he took another few steps, keeping his head straight down, until all he could see was pure snow again. It was better that way, to look at clean snow. Clean snow... nothing else. Just frozen rain, really... but clean...

He still felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to believe it was just because of all the blood he had lost. That little brat had done a real number on his wrist, but thinking about his wounds wasn't what was making him feel so bad on the inside. It was -

No, don't think about that. Just don't.

But that was impossible. He could hear Danado scream and cry right behind him. That Wolf didn't cry anything like that when they beat him to within an inch of his life. He didn't even scream like that when they sliced the claws from his fingers and toes. Sure, his muzzle was tied, but still...

Why did he feel happy back then, but not now? The hunger, the thirst, this was what he'd been craving, wasn't it? All those years he trained his body to become a warrior, all the times his father made him wear those bracers of thorns, all the fighting, all the pain, all the strife, it was for moments like this, to grab hold of the moment that would finally fill him up, that would make the hunger go away, that would slake his thirst. He had done it. He had done it. So why... why did he feel like this? What was this feeling anyway? He thought he knew the right word, but that couldn't be it. He couldn't possibly be feeling -

"Hey." Someone clapped him on the back, making him jump. It was Wardo, and despite the blood running out of his ear and arm, he looked quite chuffed. "You really saved my hide back there, Dorin. I can see it was a wise move putting my trust in you."

"R- Right."

"Say, that was the first time you ever killed someone, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"And?" Wardo wound his arm around Dorin's shoulders like they were the best of friends, but to Dorin it felt more like being hugged by a snake. "What did it feel like?" he asked, smiling that impossibly huge smile of his. "Was it everything you hoped for? Did you get that rush?"

Be careful what you say, Dorin. Be very, very careful.

"Yes. It was exactly like that. A rush. I just... I don't think I've ever felt like this."

"Ha, I knew it! Don't worry, Dorin, that bitch back there was only the beginning. I've got big plans for this tribe. Big, big plans. And now that I've got this..." he tapped the necklace around his neck, making it rattle, "... it's all just a matter of time. And it's all thanks to you."

"All thanks to me?"

The snow wasn't pure. He had thought it was, but not really. He could see blood everywhere; some of it his, some of it Hezzi's, some of it Dan's, and some of it Lana's. New snow was slowly covering it up, but that didn't change the fact that it was still there, just underneath the surface. He could still see it shining through in some spots, like red clouds.

All thanks to me...

Danado had quieted down, but that somehow felt worse.

Why!? Why did it feel worse!? It's not supposed to feel bad at all, it's supposed to feel good!

He was just kneeling there, propped up against Sorrin like a living doll, tears silently streaming down his face.

Shekka was inspecting Lana's corpse -

I did that. Me... with these hands... I did that...

• and Renna had taken over the compress on Hezzi's back. She was crying almost as badly as Danado, her shoulders shaking, her eyes shut tight against the dead body lying just a few steps away. She was saying something. Dorin couldn't hear very well from over here, but even through all her sniffles, it wasn't too difficult to read the shape of her mouth.

Hezzi... I don't want to live in this place anymore...

"Hey, Dorin, are you all right?" Wardo asked and clapped him on the back.

"I'm fine. It's just... my arm is still bleeding."

"You and me both. That crazy bitch nearly did me in. I thought I was a goner for sure!" He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled: "Hey, Shekka! Stop tending that dead bitch and make yourself useful! Dorin and I have serious injuries!"

Shekka's head snapped up from her work, and for a moment Dorin suspended all disbelief in all the crazy stories he'd ever heard about her. In that briefest of moments, Dorin truly believed that the Empty One really could kill you with just a look.

"I will tend my son first, since he needs it most," she said, her voice shaking in anger. "Dorin will come second, and then you."

Taberah tentatively raised her hand. "Um, excuse me? Sorrin is also-"

"I'm fine, Taberah." Sorrin said. "Just stay quiet for now."

Wardo's smile wavered, then reappeared again in the blink of an eye, even wider than before. "All right, Shekka, you make a good point. The worst injuries should be treated first. Too bad you'll have to treat him out here, in the cold."

Shekka's eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about, Wardo?"

"Remember what I said about failing to refer to me as Chieftain? Ivio! Hyker! Roll out the cage! Hezzi will be spending the night here, beneath the Cora's gaze."

Shekka stood up, her fists balled in anger, clumps of snow clinging to her clothes. "Hezzi has broken no laws! What right do you have to lock him up like an animal!?"

"He has been seen in the company of that would-be assassin on numerous occasions. There are dozens, no, hundreds of Wolves that can attest to that. Who knows what they've been conspiring in the dead of night?"

"Conspiring? How dare you? You, of all Wolves! You wish to talk about conspiring!?"

"Careful, Shekka. Ask yourself what you truly want, and what you're willing to give to get it."

"I will not give my son!"

"Well I'm afraid you have no choice." Wardo turned around and casually started towards Shekka's tent, leaving Dorin absolutely speechless. If he were Chieftain, he would not simply assume that Shekka would give him the proper medicine after threatening her son like that. But Wardo seemed so confident, as if he knew that she would comply, no matter what. Did he have some kind of hold over her? It wouldn't surprise him.

Wardo stopped. "Oh, one more thing, let's go ahead and throw Danado in there as well. He did attack one of my most trusted officers, after all."

Danado didn't react to that at all. He was just... what the hell was wrong with him? He was just staring off at nothing, like a bleeding, crying corpse. Sorrin was showing more emotion right now, and that was saying a lot.

"Danado never touched a single hair on Dorin's head!" he yelled.

Without even turning around, Wardo replied: "That doesn't matter, Sorrin. His intent was plain as day. And unless you'd like to join your little friends in that cage tonight, I advise you to keep your big mouth shut."

"You -"

"Stop it, Sorrin!" Taberah begged, dropping down to her knees by her mate's side. She grabbed hold of his clothes, pulling and tugging, as if he might fly off at any moment, leaving her behind forever. "You've already done all you can! Please, don't make it any worse than it already is!"

"But he -"

"Please, Sorrin. If anything happened to you, too... I... I don't know if I could go on..."

Sorrin closed his eyes, took one breath, and all his anger was gone in an instant. It was a remarkable thing to behold, actually. Dorin could actually see_it happening, the way the big Wolf's brow furrowed and then smoothed out again, the way his breathing went back to normal, the way he simply stopped shaking. It was as if he had taken his anger and just... _crushed it.

But how? And with what? Himself? Why would he even do that?

"I'm sorry, Taberah," he said and wrapped his free arm around his mate's shoulders. She lowered her head and rested it against his side, still clinging to him for dear life, all while the entire tribe stared on in complete silence.

Taberah and Sorrin... Danado and Lana... Hezzi and Renna... even Shekka. The way they acted, the decisions they made, all of it was because of others.

It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical. If Hezzi had simply backed off and accepted Wardo as the new Chieftain, he wouldn't have been subjected to this stupid fight. If Renna hadn't crossed the line, then her mother wouldn't be giving her such an evil look right now, and whatever punishment awaited her at home could have been avoided. If Shekka hadn't placed her own son ahead of the Chieftain, she wouldn't have to treat him out here in the freezing cold. If Lana had simply accepted her brother's punishment, she'd still be alive. If Danado had simply accepted his sister's fate, he wouldn't be facing almost certain death by frostbite tonight, locked up in a cage.

Taberah and Sorrin, they were being more intelligent about it, keeping their heads down, but in the end, everything they did, every decision they made, every action they took, it wasn't to protect themselves, but each other.

Why? Why would you put yourself through something like that? What was there to gain? If all this pain and suffering was to preserve something as paltry as 'love', then he was glad he didn't have anyone or anything to feel such ways about. At least not anymore. It just wasn't... practical.

Hezzi could have killed you, you know.

That thought sprang out of nowhere, and Dorin didn't appreciate it, but now that it was bouncing around in his head, he couldn't shake it off. The memory was far too fresh. He could still feel it in his muscles, the way he had slowly crawled away across the snow, watching his own blood taint the white crust with drops of red. He could remember the way his own people had screamed for his death, and he could remember each moment passing by, convinced that he would not live to see another. Hezzi was right there. Right there. He must have had close to an entire minute to bite down and finish him off.

But he didn't.

I should be dead now. But I'm not. What does that mean? Was it just a twist of fate? Was it unbelievably good luck? Or was it simply weakness on my enemy's part? Maybe all of those? Does the answer even matter? As long as I'm alive, the reason for it is irrelevant.

Isn't it?

Huffing and puffing and general groaning signalled the arrival of Ivio and Hyker, struggling to push Wardo's unwieldy cage through the snow.

Dorin remembered how that cage once held a vixen from across the mountain. He remembered how pretty she was, how small and fragile. It was because she was so pretty he had had such an overwhelming desire to end her life, to see her blood flow and mix with the rain. But if he had done that, if he had been given permission to do the deed, what would it have felt like?

Like this?

Dorin ran his hand across his lips and his fingers came back bloody. He stood staring at it for a long while, listening to the cage's wheels creak and moan as it was carefully manoeuvred into place between the statue's feet.

This wasn't the ecstasy he had dreamed about...