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I would've loved this town when I was younger.

This is pretty much the sleepy small town of my dreams when I was sixteen. A pretty small population, it's in the middle of a really dense forest, and it looks really pretty in the snow. Plus, I never would've discovered this place if I hadn't been given directions. I wouldn't have cared if I wouldn't be up-to-date with the rest of the world. This town was perfect.

The park here looks beautiful, too. It's well kept and taken care of. The people here are getting ready for the holidays, putting up wreaths and all that. It's pretty early for me, but I guess it's just how this town celebrates Christmas.

It starts snowing again, and the kids are getting excited. They run around, chasing snow and letting it fall on their hands or their tongues. Their parents either watch or join in on the fun. I smile and lift my own hand, palm facing the sky. A snowflake lands on it, and I move it around with my thumb. I then stick my tongue out and drop the snowflake on it. I chuckle at the small chill. Now I'm having a hard time believing this town actually exists; it's practically a scene from a movie.

No wonder he chose to live here.

The thought alone is enough to bring a damper to my mood. I ignore the voice in the back of my head telling me to go back. I didn't come all the way here and rent a room only to get cold feet. No, it's for him. And for me. This is for us to sort things out and to finally find the closure I keep looking for so much these past few weeks.

I pick up the pace, walking past the park, then downtown. After that, there's a small bridge. I go over to it and I see a retriever standing by the edge of the bridge. She spots me and smiles once she recognizes me.

"Hey," she says. "Dan?"

I nod. "That's me."

She reaches her hand out to me and I shake it.

"I'm Kylie. Jacob's friend, as you already know by now."

"Yeah. Thanks for doing this again, by the way."

"No problem. It's not every day someone calls for Jacob specifically." Kylie smiles. "I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he had a friend before me or the others. Just feels strange, you know?"

Hearing that worries me, but I smile back. "You'd be surprised."

"I guess I will. Anyway, should we go?"

I nod and we start walking. As we do, I look at the frozen river below. I wonder if he chose to live near this river because he's still trying to skate like he always insisted. Is he still doing that now?

"So," Kylie asks. "How long have you known Jacob for? He's pretty secretive about his life before he moved here."

I want to tell her he's like that around new people, but he moved here a year ago now. Kylie would've known him pretty well by now.

"When I was six," I say. "Or maybe seven. It's pretty fuzzy."

"Wow. Childhood friends. That's neat."

"Yeah. How about you? When did you meet him?"

"As soon as he moved in. He looked pretty lonely, so I thought, why not? I think that's how I make most of my friends."

I smile. "That's a way, all right."

"Yeah. Oh, and by the way, if it's not intruding, what was Jacob like back then?"

"Well... he's nice, extroverted, outgoing, friendly. All that."

Kylie looks genuinely surprised by this. "Oh wow. He was a completely different person back then, huh?"

"Why? What's he like now?"

"Let's just say we throw celebrations if he decides to come out of the house."

"Oh."

"But hey, maybe you could make him come out of his shell a bit. Being his old friend and all. It might lift his spirits up knowing that someone still thinks about him."

I doubt it would. I have been thinking about him, yes, especially the first few weeks. But then it's just... there, in the back of my mind. It only resurfaced after a bunch of impulsive decisions, a one-night stand with a stranger, and baring my heavily omitted life story to said stranger in his car. The last thing Jacob wants is another person to know.

I nod. "Let's hope so."

We cross the other side of the bridge, and we reach a neighborhood. It's a pretty generic one, identical houses and all that. There are barely any people here other than a guy shoveling his lawn and a few kids building snowmen. Really completes the image of a small, sleepy town. We pass more people by, house by house. When I thought we'd go on forever, Kylie stops.

"We're here," Kylie says.

I turn to the house she's looking at. It's the same as every other house I've seen. I feel like I'd get lost here if I were on my own.

"By the way, I need to go," she says. "Some stuff to do. Are you gonna be okay with me leaving you here?"

"Oh, sure," I say. "Thanks for bringing me here."

She nods. "You're welcome. Oh, and by the way--because he keeps insisting--you can just walk in if you want to."

"He still does that?"

"He used to do that before?"

I nod. "Back in college."

Kylie gives me a knowing look. "What do you know? You learn something new every day."

"Thanks for the heads up again, Kylie. And for everything else."

"Don't worry about it."

We say our goodbyes and she walks the way we came from. I turn back to the house again. For some reason, I'm having doubts about whether this is really his house. I don't know. I guess I expected... more.

I take a deep breath and count my steps to the door. Another count to three and I knock. I hear a few sounds inside. Shuffling, mumbling, and I hear something fall over.

"Come in. Door's open."

I freeze when I hear that voice. It's been a while since I heard it, and I almost forgot how it sounds like. Sure, it sounds tired and fed up, but it's still Jacob's voice. I psych myself up and open the door.

In front of me stands a hyena I haven't seen in a year. He looks... different, somehow. I don't notice it that much, but being fixated on him so much, I could see it. His shirt looks tighter around the shoulders, his fur is puffier, and there's a strange look in his eyes that I can't explain. I seem to catch him in the process of opening the door himself. I could see the expressions brush by his face. Surprise, confusion, familiarity. He used to smile when he sees me.

"Hi, Jacob. It's been a while," I say.

He nods. "Hey, Danny."

I scratch the back of my neck. The preparations I have in my head are out the window already. This happened a lot back then, but Jacob was always the one who kept conversations up and running. Made them fun too. But he's just standing there right now.

"So... uh, long time no see."

"Yeah," he says. "How long has it been? A year?"

"A year," I nod. "How are you holding up?"

He shrugs. "I'm managing, and that's what matters. At least."

"Yeah."

Jacob looks at me, and I fix my clothes again and clear my throat.

"So you're still doing the thing you did back in college," I say. "You're not worried about getting caught in the buff, among other things? Or someone breaking in?"

He shakes his head. "No. I don't do them here, and no one here is stupid enough to try. Everyone knows one another. Also, before you ask, no I don't do weed. Not in a band yet."

I laugh at the old joke we used to make. "I'm not interrupting anything, right?"

He brushes me off. "You're not. Like I said, you can come in anytime."

I raise my eyebrow. "Anytime?"

"Anytime." Jacob's glance turns to the doorway behind me. "I'm guessing Kylie brought you here?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Of course she would. She always wanted me to socialize. I get it's for me, but..." Jacob groans. "Well, if she wants me to, then who am I to intervene?"

"That's good to know." At least that part of him remained the same. I look around me, at the surprisingly tidy house. I can't say the same for everything else, though.

I turn to Jacob again, smiling. "So, wanna take a walk? We can catch up on the way."

I see a faint smile form on his face too, and he nods. "Sure."

***

I expected us to go back to town and walk the streets or some place beautiful I've never seen. Instead, we're in some nondescript path somewhere beside the woods and a road with the town just in sight. Going downtown would've been something Jacob would've suggested. Hell, Jacob is the reason I got out of my shell in the first place. I remember him dragging me to places just to hang out, and all of those places are just so happen to be public. Slowly, I got out of my shell and became just as outgoing as him--much to the chagrin of everyone we ever passed by. Right now, the only sound I hear are our footsteps. I hate it.

Part of me is itching to go somewhere else. I pretend to look at something to my left to take a peek at Jacob. He has his head down, hands in his pockets and hunched over like he's hiding himself from the world. Or it just makes him look tired. I wonder if he really is.

"So..." I say. "How has the past year been treating you?"

"It's pretty complicated," he says.

"We have a pretty long way to go. You can spill."

He chuckles. "You're still stubbornly persistent."

"Insisting once isn't enough to count."

"And a smartass, too. Guess you haven't changed."

That last sentence was probably innocent, but I can't help but think that it's a jab at me.

"I changed. But before we get sidestepped--like you always made us do--how was the past year for you?"

Jacob shrugs, making a face. "Eh. Could be worse."

"That implies it wasn't good."

"Didn't say it was; didn't say it wasn't, either."

"What happened?"

"Stuff. Things got a little rough for me. Things didn't work out, bridges were burned, something something tragic backstory. Now I live in a house in a pretty nice town hidden from the world."

"You're not telling me, are you?"

"Too lazy. You're gonna have to pry it out of me."

You would've kept on talking until I interrupt you, I think.

"But you first," Jacob says. "How's the city life?"

I decide to sidestep that issue for now. "I'm doing fine. I'm managing my life there pretty well and the views are nice. Now that I think about it, I maybe have sacrificed the peace and quiet I have back then." My ears perk up to a car passing by and kids shouting at one another. "This is quieter than my apartment at three in the morning."

"What the hell are you doing at three in the morning?"

I give him a smile. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

He smiles. "All right then. Keep your secrets."

He looks like he's going to say continue, but he doesn't. I don't think I can rely on him to keep the conversation going anymore.

"Anyway," I say. "What do you do here? Or whatever it is you do."

When we were younger, Jacob wouldn't shut up about what he wanted to do when he grows up. I'm pretty sure half of them were just him being a kid. Others he was dead serious about. The most persistent one was him joining a band, or at least making his own music. The songs he made were pretty good, even if they were written when he was thirteen, if my memory is anything to go by.

"Nothing much," Jacob says. "I work minimum wage at a store where I don't get assaulted by the customers."

"Perks of living in a small town?"

"Yeah, since everyone knows each other. Word gets around. Other than that, I do volunteer work every now and again if I have nothing else to do." Jacob sighs. "Actually, I do volunteer work a lot."

"Nothing to occupy you in your free time?"

"Yeah. It's been happening a lot lately."

I avoid looking at him and choose to focus on the path in front of me and how it seems to have been used a lot. "Do you still have the guitar?"

"Of course I do. It's in a special place in my bedroom too."

"That's good to know."

Jacob gives me a look, then shakes his head. "I'm not throwing the guitar away because you're the one who gave it to me."

I nod. "Okay then."

I cross my arms, doing my best to just shrink into my clothes. I don't know what to feel here. All this time, I thought he left it as soon as I disappeared from his life, but it's still there. As for Jacob, I could tell he's not enthusiastic about me being here, as much as he tries to hide behind jokes. I've known him my entire childhood, after all. Thinking about it makes me want to run into the woods and never come back.

"How about you?" Jacob asks. "What do you do now?"

"Well, nothing much," I say. "I work in a coffee shop. And unlike you, we get assaulted by customers now and then."

I see the smile make its way back to his face. "How bad was it?"

"Sometimes, they're not afraid to get on the counter."

He laughs. That loud hyena laugh that I always got out of him when we were younger. I never noticed how much I missed that. I find myself laughing with him.

"All right then," Jacob says. "And what do you do in your free time?"

"Other than the hobbies which you know about, nothing much. I just sit around, looking at the ceiling, or sometimes out the window. It's fun; you should try it sometime."

"Wish I could. Doing nothing all day, bored and lonely? Sounds lovely."

I look at him. "I'm not lonely."

"I don't know what you're talking about; I didn't say anything."

"Let me tell you that I'm as social as you are."

He feigns surprise. "Oh, really? You're a shut-in now too? That's a surprise."

I shake my head. "Whatever. You're impossible to reason with."

"Sounds like someone else I know."

At first, I think he's not joking, but there's a smile on his face. I don't know. I'm not sure anymore.

"Hey," I say. "Are you--"

"So why'd you come see me again?"

That feeling I had earlier comes back in full swing. Jacob's tone is different this time. It's more distant, like he's thinking of something. He doesn't have to say anything, though; I already know what's on his mind.

"Well, you came to mind at one point, and... I thought I should go here and visit you. See how you were holding up."

At first, I think I might've said something wrong. But then he nods. "Yeah, I guess you were probably at least wondering since I ghosted you for a year. Sorry about that."

Now I'm surprised. This wasn't something Jacob would bring up. He wasn't one to talk about stuff like this.

"It's fine," I say. "But..."

"Yeah?"

I shake my head. "Nothing. It's good. All is good."

"If you say so."

I kick a pebble peeking off the snow. It hits a tree. Almost.

"Hey, if it doesn't step any boundaries," I start. "Are you dating anyone?"

He looks at me weird. Actually, no. I have no idea what's going on in his mind right now, and I try to shrink myself inside my clothes again.

Jacob sighs. "No. I mean, if it comes, it comes. But... I don't know. I just don't feel like doing it."

"Oh... okay."

Jacob turns his head around, then takes a turn to his left and starts jogging. For a split second, I think he's running away from me, then he gestures for me to follow him.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Just follow me," he shouts. "You won't regret it."

I decide to not question it and follow him. We go somewhere on the outskirts of town. Other than this strange, unused road, there's nothing here. I used to imagine kissing a guy in places like this when I was fifteen, like in those movies I was so sure were much more realistic. I'm not proud of my desperation back then.

"Where are we going?" I call out.

"We're already here."

I'm about to ask again when I see it. A junkyard. It's smaller than I expected, but this is a small town, after all. There's a lot less stuff there than what I imagined too. Just a few cars and other scrap. It's still a junkyard, nonetheless.

"Welcome," Jacob says, turning around with his arms spread out, "to my special place."

I shake my head. "Charming. What do you do here?"

He shrugs. "Why don't you take a guess?"

I look at him and try to ignore that feeling in my chest. "Considering it's you, weed?"

"For the last time..."

I raise my hands in the air. "I know, I know. Sorry. You like meth."

Jacob lets out an exasperated sigh, but lightens up and laughs. "Even if I did, I wouldn't do them here."

"Why?"

"I dunno. This is a public property, I guess. Doesn't feel right."

I pick up an empty can sitting from the hood of a car. "Okay. But seriously, what do you do here?"

"Nothing much, really." Jacob climbed up the hood of a pickup. "I go here whenever I feel like it. Or whenever I want to be seventeen."

"You say that like you're forty years old."

He shrugs. "Maybe I am inside."

I shake my head. Jacob was just like this ever since we hit puberty, though it toned down when he was twenty. It's weird to think that was just a few year ago. It definitely felt longer. I missed that.

Jacob sits on the roof of the car and pats the space next to him. I take this as an invitation and climb up the car, much faster than he did, and much more gracefully, too. He scoffs.

"Showoff," he mutters.

"You know I'd use my innate abilities if I get the chance."

Jacob shakes his head, then lies down, head in his hands. "Yeah. I remember."

He closes his eyes and I take the time to take it all in. Jacob and I used to do this a lot. We didn't really have a certain place to go to, so we just went wherever we felt like it. I missed it, but this doesn't feel right.

"Hey--"

"It's pretty nice, right?"

The question catches me off-guard. "What?"

"This junkyard. It's pretty nice, right?"

"Oh, yeah. It is. It's pretty quiet here. I can hear my own thoughts."

"I figured you'd appreciate that here."

Just like that, I forget what I was going to say. The feeling of wanting to run away is suffocating now. I know Jacob wasn't curious about how the snow situation in my apartment. At least that's what I tell myself. I don't know Jacob anymore.

"Hey, Jacob, about why I came here..."

He sighs. "I know."

He sits up again. He's slouched, staring at the floor. Whatever happy expression he had a few minutes ago was gone now, and he's looking away from me.

"Jacob," I start. "I'm..."

I don't know why, but even after trying to talk to him, having these long messages I sent him, and even preparing these speeches in my head, I have no idea what to tell him right now.

He takes another deep breath. "Be honest. Why'd you decide to come see me?"

Jacob looks at me this time. The look in his eyes makes me regret everything I've done that led me here. It should've been between the two of us. I knew that's what he wanted.

"Look, I've been thinking about you a lot," I say. "We've known each other since we were kids, and then you suddenly ghosting me hurt a lot. I just wanted to bury the hatchet with you. Even if you didn't want to see me again."

I could tell he's not satisfied with my answer as he nods. "All right. And what pushed you to actually do it?"

You know me so well, I think.

"I met someone a few months ago. I don't know why, but he reminded me so much of you. And because of that, I did... things that I wish could've been different. I don't regret it, but it just didn't feel right considering what I was thinking about at the time. We had a talk about it a week later, and I realized I really needed to talk to you, like I said, to bury the hatchet. Leave it all behind us."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Well, we cleared on why we agreed to do the things we did, and realized that we had things to move on from."

"And did you tell him about us?"

I sigh, nodding. "Yes."

The silence comes next is slow. Agonizing. Jacob just stares at the ground, and I sit there beside him, tugging at my sleeves in anticipation. Every second dragged on and my heart won't stop pounding. I just wish he'd speak up and tell me what he feels just to get rid of it.

Instead, Jacob shakes his head, jumps off the truck, and walks away.

"Hey, wait." I get off the truck and run over to him. "Jacob, I--"

"It's been a while since we've last seen each other. We have other things to talk about."

"So you're not gonna say anything?"

He walks faster. "It's not... let's put a pin on that topic and save for it later. Please."

"Can't you just say it now? Just that one?"

"Danny, please. I need some time to think about it."

I reach out to grab his shoulder. "Jacob I--"

"Goddammit, you just can't take no for an answer, can you!"

Jacob turns around and stops, grinding me to a halt as well. The look in his eyes... the last time he looked at me like that, I revealed one of his secrets to most of my class back in 7th grade. This time his eyes are watery.

"It's not..."

Jacob lets out a groan. "God, no matter how much I say no, you just keep at it. I thought you would've known by now, but... fuck."

He sits down on a spare tire and buries his face in his hands. I gingerly sit down beside him. The pent-up frustration in his voice is enough to stop me from doing anything, so I stare at all the junk all around me. When it finally sinks in that Jacob isn't going speak up, I do.

"Sorry for pushing you," I say.

He shakes his head and looks away. "Fine, you want your answer? Here. The thing between you and me? It should've stayed between you and me. I've told you all the time back then that the things between us stay between us, because you know full well why I don't want to share it with other people. You should've learned that a year ago."

I nod. Jacob takes a momentary glance, as if to see if I'm still there. I see his eyes for a second and it's gone just as fast.

"Look, I'm sorry I just stopped talking to you out of the blue. I wasn't thinking straight and I should've told you I needed some space. I never knew this was what would happen."

"It's... it's okay," I say. "But why did you do it?"

"You really don't know?" He shakes his head again. "You were always like this, ever since high school. Ever since you told me how you feel about me, personal space seems to be out the window with you. I thought this was just you being you, but no. You were just this way with me, specifically. You were always hugging, always so touchy, always so dangerously close to kissing me then and there and you'd go on and on and I couldn't get a say in it."

I remember all of it. I always was very moody back then, and I fell for Jacob pretty hard. And with me being in high school at the time, it wasn't far-fetched for me to do what I did. It never occurred to me back then how it could've overstepped boundaries. And here I thought I knew myself too much.

"I'm guessing that time apart made us think about it more, huh?"

I don't say anything. Jacob looks at me, then a couple of expressions flash by his face before he sighs again.

"It's fine. It's all in the past, anyway... I guess."

"I..." I close my eyes and sigh. "Is... are there any more things you I did that was pretty bad?"

"Aside from the kiss you gave me? No."

I wince at that. "Oh..."

"Guess you really didn't think about it, huh?" Jacob turns to me. "I was uncomfortable, Danny. You have no idea how much you hugging me out of the blue or just being touchy with me or just not respecting my personal space made me uncomfortable. I know I should've said no, but I always felt bad, you know? I felt bad because I knew you were in a dark place at the time and it always felt like I'd hurt you pretty bad, and even if I did say no, you won't stop.

The kiss was just... God, I wasn't even sober too. I told you no, but you did it anyway, in front of everyone else. Do you now know why I didn't talk to you at all?"

I couldn't bring myself to look at him right now, so I look away.

"I know that look on your face. It's just beginning to sink in to you, huh?" Jacob looks at me dead in the eye. "Tell me, when you were telling the guy about me not talking to you, what were you thinking about?"

I don't answer, because if I did, then Jacob would be right, and I don't want that. But that won't change anything. In that conversation back in the car, I was thinking about how it hurt, about why Jacob stopped talking to me again, about the state I was in after that. I didn't want to admit it, but he was an afterthought at the time.

Jacob just looks at me, and then he gets his answer.

"I really thought you've given it more thought, Danny. I really did." He gets up and walks away. "You haven't changed at all."

"Jacob, wait." I get up and follow him.

He raises his hand, and this time I stop. I know it would be so easy to ignore that, pretend it didn't happen and run over to him, say I'm sorry and that we should talk it out. But I don't. I can't do that anymore, so I stand there and watch as he walks away from me.

***

I walk up to Jacob's door again.

I'm tired, and I don't know if it's because I'm nervous for the past hour or because it's six in the morning and I haven't had much sleep last night. I shouldn't be doing this right now, with the state I'm in and with everything that's happened, but yesterday just left a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't want things to end the way they are now.

Still thinking about yourself, I think.

I stop right at the door. The nervousness is beginning to eat me from the inside. I wonder if Jacob is okay with seeing me so soon. Or at least be willing to talk to me. I don't want to push him to his limit again, but I want this to be over. Besides, I sacrificed a lot to go here. This might be the only chance I have.

Here I am, staring down his door again, and it's just beginning to snow. The deja vu I get from this is pretty strong. The door has never made me so scared in a while, and the thought almost makes laugh.

I wonder if I'm still welcome to open the door unannounced. I really hope so. With that, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and twist the doorknob.

It's locked.

My heart drops. A sinking feeling crawls its way up my spine. The last time I remember him locking his door was after the kiss. I shake it off and knock on the door.

"Jacob? You there?"

I wait. After a minute, I lean my ear against the door and listen. I hear some music and the whistling of a kettle.

I knock again. "Jacob, it's me."

Still no answer. Whatever resolve I had melted away as I wait. There's a voice in the back of my head telling me that Jacob won't answer the door, but I ignore it. I don't want things to end like this between us. I've known him since we were kids; he was one of the oldest friends I had.

Please answer the door.

I knock a third time. "Jacob?"

I listen closely, and this time I hear footsteps. I wait for it to go to the door, but instead it gets quieter and quieter. And then I hear a door close. It's silent again.

That's it. That's my answer. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I want to call out some more, tell him everything I want to say then and there. That I'm sorry, that I never meant to do it, that I should've thought about him. But the door's still locked, and there's nothing I can do about it anymore.

I rest my forehead against the door. It's freezing, but I don't mind. Tears well up in my eyes and I wipe them away. I wait for something, anything, from the other side of the door. Then I straighten up, turn around, and walk away.