FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Chapter 14

"Are we just going to sit here and ignore the reason you called me in the first place?" Jayden asked, staring ahead at the dashboard, the noon light reflecting off of it and burning his retinas. At least it was easier than looking at Francis, for which he had much more painful and conflicted feelings.

The cold, conditioned air blew out of the vents and numbed his face as he finally blinked so he could turn to look at Francis. He wrung his hands around the wheel to Audrey's car, pressing himself back into the seat, surrounding him in flecks of dust that flew off the upholstery.

Francis had probably just told Audrey that he was a crazy ex, and she probably also had no idea that Francis had borrowed her car to go see that same crazy ex. It was stupid some of the things people would do when they thought they were in love.

Jayden had gotten a call around noon, asking if they could talk, and even though it went against all his better instincts, he gave in. So, now, they sat in the parking lot to an almost empty deli, completely ignoring the reason that Francis had called in the first place, not talking, or even breathing, at times.

Of all the times that Jayden had just sat with Francis only for the sake of sitting with him, this time felt the most shallow. He was both happy, and sad, but not enough of either to make much of a difference with anything.

A text message from Audrey flashed across Francis' phone and he hid it nonchalantly, hoping Jayden hadn't noticed. Too bad that Jayden was always on edge now, always looking for the next person to hurt him. That, and Francis had never really been that smooth of a liar.

"Look, I'm tired of always being angry," Jayden stated through the renewed silence as Francis was still fighting to remain calm from the text message, "and, I'm tired of always being hurt. I just want -"

"I want you back, too," Francis mumbled, bowing his head to the steering wheel. That wasn't what Jayden was going to say, but he felt shocked nonetheless when he heard Francis say it. In his head, he knew it meant nothing, and even in his heart, he knew it was all a lie. His words didn't even instill that false sense of hope that Jayden had expected, "I hate looking at your name, or - or your stuff, and beating myself up over it. I miss how we used to be... happy."

"Then why do you do it, Francis?" Jayden mumbled to the dashboard as he balanced one foot on his knee, shaking it agitatedly, "Why do you say the things you say and make the promises you do, when you know you can't hold true to any of it?"

"Everything ended up being a little... harder to deal with than I thought. I'm really sorry for the things I've put you through, Jayden," Francis said softly, and Jayden just ignored him. He didn't even want to waste the energy on him like he always had before. They'd reached the breaking point months ago, and yet Jayden had insisted on breaking it even more.

"But, why lie to me, and avoid me, and make plans with me, only to ditch me for someone else?" Jayden groaned. He didn't even know why he wanted to know, or why he still cared enough to ask, because he knew he'd never get the right answer, or even an honest attempt at the truth. Francis would never be able to utter the words that would seem right, or would bring back everything they'd lost.

"I know it's... hard to believe, but I have feelings, too. And, I'm having just as hard a time getting over it as you are. You've just always been better at expressing the things I couldn't, and I guess I just kind of hoped you'd understand. I don't hate you, I don't want to lose you as a friend, because you're one of the best I've ever had. I just don't know where to go anymore."

Realization hit him rather hard as his foot stopped twitching and his eyes locked onto his hands as they rest on his calf. He felt remorse, and regret, and sympathy for Francis, but it didn't show itself in it's usual places. Jayden didn't want to hug him, or kiss him, or even try to help him, he just wanted to be there for him. Even that thought, though, panicked his senses because he knew that, given the same situation in reverse, Francis would have stopped caring a while ago.

"Do you think we'd ever be able to get back the friendship we had?" Jayden asked and at once, a complete and total silence fell over the car, answering his question in ways that Francis never could. He wasn't sure if they could, and he wasn't even sure if he wanted to. Neither of them were.

"I don't know," Francis muttered, saying what had to be one of the most insightful things that had ever passed his lips.

"So, what's been going on in your life?" Jayden wondered aloud, feeling that awkward and painful sinking in his stomach, knowing that he was probably about to hear something he really didn't want to. Looking back at the dashboard, he tried to get lost in the cold air so the almost certain shock wouldn't get to him as much.

"Not much," Francis stated, leaning back in the chair to watch as a small, elderly fox passed his window before getting into a nearby car. Once the door had slammed and the tense silence was returned, he sighed deeply before continuing, "I don't really talk to Audrey as much as I used to, given everything that's happened and I've been trying to make things work with Tammy."

Jayden didn't believe a word he said, but he didn't say anything. He knew that he was lying, from all the texts he'd gotten from her and, more importantly, the fact that they were sitting in her car. If they weren't close friends, Francis wouldn't be borrowing her car. As he went to look at Francis with a blank frown to try and move the conversation along, he noticed that his stomach had yet to start churning.

"Ahh, I see," Jayden said, giving a fake nod.

"How have you been doing?" Francis asked and Jayden was a little taken aback by his choice of words. He had asked him how he was doing, not what he'd been doing. Did he genuinely care, or was he just trying to keep Jayden from leaving? Regardless, it didn't matter, because it was too little, too late.

Jayden had accepted long ago that Francis had cared about him at some point, he just didn't know when and if that point had ended. He didn't know if he even cared if Francis cared or not. Their bad days outnumbered their good days and they'd never be able to redeem themselves from the trust that they'd broken. And, they'd never be able to forgive each other for the moral sins they'd committed.

Would Jayden ever be content with Francis, knowing that he'd probably just cheat again? Probably not. Even after everything that they'd been through, Francis still saw no problem with lying, or manipulating, or using Jayden.

"I've been... the same," Jayden stated with certainty, playing with his hands as he paused to think about his words, "not much has changed, really."

He wanted to tell Francis about Alan, to see if he could him jealous. To see if he could make him feel as bad as he did, or feel what he felt every single time he had to put up with him talking about Tammy. He wanted to see if he could make Francis see how much it hurt to be left out, or how much it made him ache to always have to defend him. But, the thing was, he didn't really care enough about Francis anymore to want to make him hurt. All his feelings, both good and bad, seemed to have washed away the moment he realized that there was no painless way out.

"I got into some form of relationship with this great guy, and he really liked me, and... I think I liked him for the most part, but I was too afraid, so, now, I just don't know anymore," Jayden rambled more to himself than Francis as he studied the white flecks that littered the carpet. The words seemed to flow from his mouth with grace and meaning like they were the very words he'd been meaning to say the whole time they'd been hiding in the car.

"What happened?" Francis asked, watching his fist as it kneaded into his thigh pathetically.

"I turned into you," Jayden managed to whisper before his words disappeared and his head become lost to the world that thrived around him. What was wrong with him? He'd turned into the one person that had caused him so much pain. He'd begun to collude with the evil that he'd tried so hard to make sense of.

Looking up at Francis as his phone rang, Jayden felt their eyes pull apart and the truth of situation fall onto them both. The bear leaned his arm on the door as he held the phone to his ear, rubbing his eye lids deeply and entrancingly as Jayden watched him with a mixture of fear and adulation; he'd turned into that. Two faced and a liar. There were many names for what he'd become, but all of them exhausted him the same. Folding his fingers, he flattened them out to study the simple way his fingers laced together.

"Where are you?" Tammy said, her voice ringing loudly from Francis' phone.

"I'm just hanging out with Jayden," Francis answered, his fingers still kneading and searching for the cure to his impending headache. Did Jayden really want to become that? Living from moment to moment, day to day, needing to hide behind the lies, or the shadow of his every mistake? He could still do better, and he could still run away.

"How are you hanging out with Jayden? You don't have a car," Tammy pressed, her tone seeking out the lies and the deceit that she'd become so accustomed to finding. The same lies that Jayden always sought after, and almost hoped for. Everyone Francis knew and everyone Francis cared about knew he was a liar, but why couldn't he see that himself?

"I walked from my house. It's not that long of a walk," Francis mumbled into the phone and Jayden breathed out slowly.

"You didn't walk," Tammy said with a knowing accusation, "You're with her again, aren't you?"

"I'm not with her, I can promise you that. Do you want to talk to Jayden? He's right here, next to me."

"What the hell else do I have to do, Francis?" Tammy snapped, growing just as tired with Francis as Alan had with Jayden, "What the hell else is there for me to say? We were fighting about this for God knows how long last night, about you ignoring me for your friends. You didn't even remember about the restaurant with my family tonight, did you?"

"That's not today, is it?" Francis asked blithely as Jayden undid his seatbelt, feeling it recoil and slap against the inside of the car with a hollow thud. The warm air rushed in as he opened the door, paying no attention to Francis as he stepped out. He could hear them arguing, and he could hear the callous words being exchanged, but it didn't really concern him as he slammed the door shut.

Blinded by the light, he began to walk down the main road silently thinking to himself, his arms folded across his chest, trying to hide his fear and his shame away from everyone that drove by. For some reason, unknown to him, everything just seemed to coalesce. All the thoughts and the ideas and the feelings that he'd always known, but always denied, just seemed to fit together. All the puzzle pieces finally seemed to come together and all the different colors melded together to make this beautiful picture that he'd been to scared to see before.

Paige had been right, and this time he wasn't afraid to admit that. It was just like Occam's Razor. The simplest solution was the right one and there was no need to explain it any other way. He was afraid; they were all afraid. Jayden was afraid, and Alan was afraid, and Francis was afraid. Especially Francis, because he was the only one with nowhere to hide, or to turn. Most of all, he had no reason to be forgiven, because he had no intention of fixing the things that he'd ruined. Jayden didn't want to be like him; he wanted to fix himself and fix the things that lay in ruin around his feet.

The truth of the matter, and the simple solution, was that Francis had met a girl, got her pregnant and they ended up engaged. He had loved her at one point, and, now, perhaps he still loved her, perhaps he didn't, but that didn't really matter anymore. What did matter was that he had to stay with her to the very end, whether he wanted to or not. Both Jayden and Francis had known that all along, but they thought that, perhaps, they could somehow change everything by living out the past that they thought they deserved. But, it didn't work, and they got lost in between all the things that were and all the things that should have been until they didn't even know what they were anymore.

Jayden had loved Francis, just like Francis had loved him. He knew that, and he didn't even need to debate that anymore. He had seen it in him, that terrific and terrifying glint in his eye that Jayden had always said was just a trick of the light. If he thought it had always been just an illusion, then perhaps he wouldn't have to admit the significance of the fact that he no longer found it when he searched for it.

Whether they still loved each other, he could never be sure, because Jayden was never even really sure he knew what love was. Could you love someone with half a heart, or did it require your whole being? Or, was it possible to love only when you were sure no one else was watching?

Really, it all came down to fear. The things we do, they're just a mechanism, something our mind tells us to right the wrongs; something to make sense of the madness. But, often in our quest for understanding, we're led astray by our simplest of desire. To love and be loved, to accept and be accepted. We always end up forgetting the simplest answer, because when things seem to turn bad, we like to tell ourselves we still need our poison so we could still survive.

That's all Jayden had done; he'd taken the monster that was hiding underneath his bed and morphed it into something less terrifying, making it something that he could accept. Francis was his poison, and his guilty pleasure, but he made him out to be his savior, only because of that fear. He made him out to be that one thing that could take all that was wrong in his heart, and make it right, or make it meaningful.

One thing that had always confounded Jayden was why, sometimes, things fit together so perfectly, only to be torn apart. Maybe it was so the whole picture seemed that much more beautiful in the short time he actually got to see it for all it was.

He was only truly able to see everything when he had nowhere else to look but at that painting. He was only able to really see it when the problem was so close on the horizon that it consumed everything he saw, and knew, and felt. Now that Jayden had nothing with Francis, he was beginning to see it for what it was; a moment in time that had long since past.

Sometimes, it seemed that you needed to lose everything before you could gain anything. Or, perhaps, you just needed to feel like you've lost everything to clearly see just how much it was that you'd gained.

He'd never stop loving Francis in one way or another, but, at some point, it wouldn't even be a romantic love, or a feeling of yearning, but a sense of respect, or thanks.

It frightened him that he still adored Francis, despite everything he'd done, but Jayden had learned so much about himself, and people, and the world through the pain that he'd endured. What people wanted, and what people expected, and even what people needed, didn't seem to be as much of a mystery as it once had. Even though people's motivations were still sometimes cloudy, he knew that eventually he'd always be able to understand, and accept, and overcome.

Love wasn't something you fell into, or fell out of, but it was something that shifted, and flowed, and changed. You may love someone more at certain moments than you do at others, but that never meant it was gone for good, and it never meant it'd come back in the ways you expected, because even hate is a kind of love, or a kind of obsession. There are things in life that pull people apart and there are things in life that pull people closer together, but we can't be afraid to make our own ripples, and we can't be afraid to do what you know is right, even if it feels like it's the last thing you could possibly handle.

Maybe, the past had felt safe, and warm, and made his heart flutter in ways he was afraid he'd never feel again, but, like all things, those feelings had to end. But, just like there's a spring at the beginning of every year, there's always a new chapter waiting to unfold.

~

With his face pressed deep into his pillow, Jayden snored loudly, the one arm under his head giving him the slightest inclination. His headboard lit up with a bright light, filling the entire room with an ethereal glow and an incessant rattling battered his ears as they pressed flat against his skull. Licking his lips lazily, he tried to nestle his head into his sheets comfortably in a futile attempt to ignore the grating noise.

Peeking his eye open to look at the painfully bright light, he winced as it reflected off of the wood's veneer. With a grunt, he reached out with his tired hand to grab the phone and put it to his ear without bothering to look who was calling. Rolling onto his back and rubbing a hand down the side of his muzzle, he answered:

"Hello?"

"Hi, uh, can I come in?" Francis whispered hoarsely and Jayden sat up slowly, trying to remember what had happened the day before. His thoughts still came to him through his exhaustion, making everything hazy, and fuzzy, and different. Squinting at his phone as he pulled it from his ear, he saw it was nearing three in the morning. What could he possibly want this late at night? Didn't he understand that, by him getting up to leave, he'd turned him down and ended everything?

"Yea, sure, whatever," Jayden mumbled, his words bumping into each other as his light head rattled. Sliding to the edge of his bed, he ruffled his headfur thoughtfully, "Just let me put some pants on."

"Don't," Francis blurted and Jayden perked his eyebrow, looking down at his boxers curiously. Did he honestly call this early because he wanted to see him half naked? If he did, he had another thing coming, "I mean, I don't know. I'm already upstairs. Can you just open the door?"

"Fine, just give me a second," Jayden grumbled, stumbling blindly through his bedroom by the light of his cellphone. After dodging his clothes from the day before, he opened the door slowly, leaning on the handle needfully.

The hallway nightlight guided his heavy foot, his larger than life shadow following him towards the kitchen. His mother's door was open, meaning she hadn't come home after he'd fallen asleep and he was alone with Francis, once again. Opening the door slowly, he cringed as Francis collapsed against his silhouette, holding him across the chest for dear life. Jayden's eyelids flickered, his arms plastered by his side as he tried to figure out exactly what was happening.

All he could breathe was the sickening smell of vanilla and he pulled himself away from the bear to find tears rolling down his face. Jayden didn't know for a fact what had happened, but he had a very good idea given the circumstances on which they'd departed. Looking at him with a mixture of pity, and disgust, and thanks, Jayden sneered wordlessly.

He was happy to have been saved from this fate, because, thanks to Francis, he was finally able to see where he'd end up. No friends, no family, and no pride. What did you do when you had no one left? Who did you turn to? That's why Francis was here right now; for the exact same reason Jayden had run to him, because he had no idea where he had left to go.

Looking at his shattered expression, and puffy eyes, and sunken lips, Jayden wondered what it was that he'd been thinking when he'd told himself he could avoid this fate, when, really, he'd been careening towards it. The exhaustion in his eyes faded away rather quickly as he watched Francis wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, trying to find a scrap of dignity. At this given moment, Jayden had more pride than him, and he was standing in the doorway in his underwear.

"Tammy broke up with me," Francis sobbed in between his shallow breaths, rubbing his upper arm, showing just how vulnerable he felt. Jayden had a hard time warding off his vengeful thoughts, and an even harder time trying to find the smallest bit of humanity to show him.

"Again?" Jayden asked, his eyebrow still perked against the lighted brilliance outside the door. Closing it, he was captured by the darkness and began to walk back towards his room, not really caring as Francis turned to follow him like a lost and frightened child.

"Yes, again!" Francis sniveled and Jayden rolled his eyes. Just a day ago, he would have cared, and he would have wanted to hold him, and comfort him, but now, more than ever, seeing Francis felt like he was seeing himself in a looking glass. He'd save himself before he reached that level; he'd find some way to right all his wrongs.

Jayden sat on the edge of the bed and Francis collapsed beside him, burying his face in his hands pathetically. Running his hand along Francis' back in the blackness, Jayden wondered why he still bothered holding the bear's hand through his strife; a strife that he himself had created.

He still had some hope that one day Francis would see the light, and now Jayden knew that he'd always had that hope for him, but he also knew that he'd never gotten through to him before, so it wasn't likely to change anytime soon. Now, he only worried for Francis' future, for the sole fact of his daughter. He'd been through every life changing event Jayden could think of, like birth, or death, or loss, and he'd come through completely unchanged. What was left for him to experience? What was left out there that could change him?

Francis had lost Tammy, and Jayden, and Audrey, so now he was left by himself. The fact that he still came to Jayden showed he still cared, but it meant nothing. It had stopped meaning anything the minute Francis uttered his first lie, or broke his first promise. Removing his hand from the large of the bear's back, Jayden folded his hands in his lap solemnly.

"So, she called off the engagement?" Jayden asked, the detached way in which the words came out almost excited him. Of all the times he'd said he didn't care, this time, in his heart, it actually felt like he meant it.

"Yea," Francis said, sniffing loudly to try and strengthen his voice. Jayden had seen Francis cry several times, but nothing quite like this. He'd seen him through his ups and his down, his losses and his miracles, but never had his heart been so thoroughly shattered. Francis shook his head feebly as he tried to fight off the tears, but with a sharp intake of breath, he gave in to them, "I've never felt so empty."

"Emptiness is one of those feelings that doesn't really go away unless make it," Jayden said lightly, leaning back onto his bed, using his arms to hold him up as he crossed his ankles. He felt perfectly, and completely, and totally fine with everything right now. Perhaps it was the sick, and perverse feeling of revenge, or perhaps it was because he finally moved on, but not even the broken heart that was so much like his could bring him down.

"I'm so sorry," Francis sputtered as he swallowed, his tears staining Jayden's carpet, intermingling with all the other memories that plagued this room, good and bad alike. Hunched over and crying, Francis had never looked more beautiful, because this marked the first time that Jayden had ever seen real, undeniable emotion chiseled across his face, "I'm so, so sorry for everything I've put you through, Jayden. And, all the things I've done wrong, and all the times I've made you feel like you were nothing, or all the times I wasn't there. I'm so sorry. I don't know how else to apologize other than me saying, from the bottom of my heart, that I didn't know it felt so bad."

"I thought it sucked, too. For the longest time, it was all I thought about," Jayden sighed deeply, his joy mixed with his sorrow in ways that neither of them could truly understand. Neither of them had gotten to the point where they knew what true happiness felt like, but Jayden felt like he was making progress. He just couldn't help but think that Francis was a long way behind, "but, I eventually realized that I was looking at everything all wrong. Every door shut is a window, there's a good to every bad, every heads, a tails, every up, a down, and a ton of other clichés."

"I can't seem to think of the good side to this," Francis gulped, managing to control his tears again. His words were still as shallow as his breath, but something about his tone told a story of pain, and anguish, and loss, yet still managed to hint towards a happy ending.

"At least you still have your daughter," Jayden said, looking to Francis as his head fell and his loud crying filled the room again.

"I don't even know about that anymore," Francis whimpered, showing Jayden that fear that he had learned so much about, "Tammy is threatening to not let me see her, and we're not married as it is, so there's going to be the whole court thing, and -"

"Francis, stop," Jayden stated strongly, trying to hand Francis some of his confidence, even if he knew he wouldn't take it, "Calm down and answer this question: you know Tammy well, right?"

"Yes," Francis sighed.

"Would the Tammy you know do that to you, and more importantly, your daughter, all because of some stupid grudge?" Jayden asked and Francis looked at him with a tear-filled smile, showing that there was still hope for him.

"No."

"People don't change, Francis, but moods do," Jayden said, his voice sinking as he reached the end of his thought, "and, thankfully, I finally learned that."

"What?" Francis whispered, his eyes following Jayden as he sat up, staring at the floor contemplatively.

The words stuck to his tongue, making an emptiness rise up in him as he felt their story drawing to a close. Their book was full of every conceivable feeling, and every possible thought, but as he mentally prepared himself to write the last page, a lamenting sadness washed over him. He knew it wasn't the most beautiful story, or the most romantic, or even the happiest, but it was still his, and that had to mean something. But, from where he sat, right now, it all felt like a hollow victory.

"Francis," Jayden gulped, the name making his heart drop as it forced it's way passed the lump in his throat, "this friendship, this relationship, it died a long time ago, and I thought I could save it, but all I was doing was killing myself, because in the end, I was trying to do it all single-handedly. As long as I give in, and as long as I give you someone to run to, you'll never change."

"I'm trying to -"

"I've heard you mumble that a million times before, but it's always under your breath, like you don't even believe it yourself," Jayden interrupted, reminded of the things that Alan had said to him all those days ago. Just like everything in the universe, people had inertia; unless they needed to change, or made to move, they wouldn't. All Jayden was doing was protecting Francis from the impetus that was life.

"So, we're... over?" Francis croaked, searching Jayden's eyes for any sign of weakness, something that he could latch onto and burrow into, so he wouldn't have to accept that change eventually came to everyone, even the ones who thought they were infallible.

"We can't keep doing this," Jayden said firmly and Francis held his head in his hands, shielding himself as his last building block crumbled and he toppled to the absolute bottom, "I'm going to be the one to reject you for once, but I'm not going to be like you, Francis, I'm not going to take you back."

"But -"

"Please, don't fight it, Francis. We both knew this was coming. It'll hurt at first, but... you'll thank me eventually, because as long as I have you, I'll never truly have you. As long as I let you control me, I'll be letting you come and go as you please and I can't do that to myself. Not anymore."

"So, I should leave?" Francis asked, and Jayden pressed his fingers into his eyes with a scowl as he tried to remember how to fight for himself, how to fight for something he believed in. Something he knew was true, and right, and the only simple solution. Something that wasn't Francis.

"Yes," Jayden breathed, every possible mutation of every conceivable emotion making home in his chest, crushing his lungs, making it hard for him to breath, and strangling his heart, making it hard for him to sit upright. Deep inside, he knew Francis would never end up with any of them, because none of them would ever be content overlooking the delicate web of lies they'd woven themselves. But, there wouldn't be anymore plot twists, because this was their finale, the ultimatum of his vested months, and love's coup de grace, "and, please, take your stuff."

Just like there was a new chapter for Jayden, so there was for Francis. Maybe, someday, they'd cross paths again, but, hopefully, they'd both have their happy endings by then. As Francis left his room, Jayden could feel everything shift and change as he made his own ripple in time.