FSE

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Chapter 13

"I'm going to end things with Alan," Jayden said into the phone abruptly as he quickly grew tired of the small talk. He had called Paige about half an hour ago because he wanted some of her harsh insight, so he could make himself realize that he was doing the wrong thing, but as soon as she picked up the phone, that notion died rather quickly.

She'd want him to stay with Alan, even if he couldn't make him happy. She'd say that eventually, someday in the future, he'd wake up and realize that he wasn't really missing anything by getting rid of Francis. Well, that was good and all, but Jayden still wondered if Alan even had what it took to fill that void, especially with him leaving and all.

Jayden was sitting alone in his bedroom, twirling around listlessly in his computer chair, hoping that eventually something in his mind would fall back into place. After about an hour, all he really managed to do was give his breakfast a reason to fight the insides of his stomach. But, aside from the nausea and splitting headache, he felt as good as new.

He'd been trying too long to be something he wasn't, and the lies were starting to get to him. Ever since the night he called Francis, they'd been talking again, slowly. They'd make plans to hang out, but they would never end up happening. Either Francis would become busy with something seemingly random, or Jayden would get cold feet at the last moment.

Jayden wanted to like Francis, and trust him again, and when he couldn't see his face in his mind, he could do all those things. Sometimes, he'd even find himself wanting things back to the way they were. But, as soon as he could actually picture them doing anything together, like playing a game or just talking about everything that had happened, his resolve faded almost instantly and he became afraid. He knew that if he liked him, his heart would flutter, but his head would just remind him of all the pain that Francis had put him through.

Of course, Jayden never told Alan about any of this. Alan hadn't even asked him out again since Jayden had pretended to be asleep, so it's not like he was really doing anything wrong. Perhaps Alan knew he'd been feigning sleep, or perhaps he hadn't been thinking clearly when he asked Jayden out. For all he knew, Alan may have even know that Jayden was talking with Francis.

Jayden ended up lying to everyone, and it hurt him, but he really didn't know what else to do, because no one would accept his deepest thoughts, or fears, or desires. They'd just insist he was stupid and try to force feed some plan down his throat, then get frustrated when their ideas were ignored.

"What?" Paige blabbed, fishing Jayden from his shallow pool of thought. He stared out at the room as it spun around him, the force of gravity throwing him back into his seat as the colors blurred and faded, sickening his stomach even more.

"I think I'm just going to end it with Alan," Jayden said with an air of finality, hoping Paige wouldn't drag the conversation in the previously mentioned direction. But, the one downside to having friends is that they tend to know you just as well as you know yourself. She knew that he really wanted someone to talk him out of it, even though they both knew he probably wouldn't listen.

"You slept with him, didn't you?" Paige asked with a sigh.

Jayden had conveniently forgot to tell Paige that he'd slept with Alan about a month ago, mostly because he knew that she wouldn't approve. He was supposed to wait until they were completely sure they were being serious, but, with the rate of divorce these days, waiting would only ensure that everyone died a virgin. No one ever approved of the things Jayden did.

It was like the people that weren't involved in the situation could cast such a bright spotlight on everything, and illuminate every glaring flaw, just so they could throw it back in his face.

You shouldn't have slept with him, Jayden. You're going about this wrong, Jayden. Don't end it, Jayden. You don't know what you want, Jayden. Damn right he didn't know what he wanted, but no one ever did, and even the people who did know, don't want to. Jayden knew what he wanted and he knew what he needed, and that was happiness, or a break, but he didn't know how to get it, so he tried to revive the one thing that had made him feel somewhat complete.

Of course he knew that his relationship with Francis was dead and trying to bring it back would just kill him. He already knew that, why couldn't everyone else just see that he already knew that and accept it, so he could cut out all these inane, useless conversations? Alan didn't make him happy because he wasn't what he wanted right now. Maybe another time, maybe another place, maybe the future, like Alan had said. But, not right now.

"Yup. I slept with him, alright."

"I told you things go wrong with people when you sleep with them," Paige mumbled into the line as Jayden rolled his eyes, jerking himself to a stop as his foot caught on the edge of his bed. Jayden was absolutely positive that Paige had yet to sleep with her boyfriend after God knows how many years they'd been together.

"Well, lucky for me, things went wrong before I slept with him," Jayden said, suppressing a yawn that would more than likely make him vomit. He stood and felt the ground wobble slightly but he grabbed the edge of his desk before he fell to the floor.

"So, you slept with him, anyway?" Paige asked, her tone coming off a little more condescending than she was probably aiming for. She was his best friend, but sometimes he just had a hard time repressing his desires to strangle her with the cords from one of her innumerable game controllers.

"Ayup," Jayden enunciated as he walked out of his room, blinking in the light that came flooding in from the outside world. A sticky note on his door told him that his mother wouldn't be home until late tonight, if at all; she was out with her friends somewhere.

"Why, exactly?" Paige inquired meaningfully, unable to see Jayden as he rubbed his eyes in annoyance. It's hard to portray emotion on the phone, because you can't see their facial expressions, but, you also couldn't reach out and punch the person on the other end of the line, so it just about evened out.

"I have this thing in my pants that takes over my brain every once in while and I lose control," Jayden said with a dissatisfied grimace as he scratched his neck, looking for something in the fridge that his stomach could handle. Like usual, there was nothing so he mentally kicked himself because he didn't ask for money the night before.

"I meant, why did you sleep with him if you knew things were going down hill?" Paige asked, her seemingly omniscient voice filling his head with something oddly reminiscent of anger. Jayden grabbed a water bottle and kicked the door shut as he turned away to head towards the living room couch.

"I'm willing to make someone cheat on their fiancée, do you really think I'm above sleeping with someone just because I can?" Jayden said, his voice muffled as it flew out atop the pained grunt caused by him flopping onto the couch.

"Are you seriously still beating yourself up over that? Jayden, he was the one that lead you on, took your heart and batted it around. It's not your fault that he turned out the way he did."

Wasn't it? Maybe if Jayden wasn't so weak, or spineless. If it was Francis he was defending, he could stand up for what he believed in, and he could fight to the death, but if it was anything else? Well, he didn't really care. Someone called him weak, he accepted it, because he was. He couldn't even stand up against himself, because when he called himself a coward, he just agreed.

There was a sharp intake of breath as Paige continued her tangent, "Why did you do it, Jayden? That's not the guy I know. The guy I know wants someone to be happy with forever, not just someone to be happy with for a night."

"Turns out you were wrong. Turns out I was wrong," Jayden grumbled, as he laid with his back across the three couch cushions, his view dominated by the painfully white ceiling. The bottle of water sat forgotten on his chest, even though his dry throat begged him to drink it. He just didn't care.

"You can't just give up on him because he's not exactly what you want. What happened between you two, anyway? I haven't heard from you in weeks, and I didn't call because I thought things were going well."

"I don't want to make things work, Paige," Jayden grunted into the phone as he pressed his fingers into his eyes, trying his hardest to erase the emptiness that seemed to fill everything these days, "I want things to just work. I want something to feel right, without me making it feel right. I don't want the fear of failure following me around every corner."

"You can't just have everything handed to you, you know that. You're a writer, you have to work for the things you want, or else it won't feel as fulfilling in the end," Paige pressed as Jayden's arm fell to his side. He tried to calm down and think of how he could best explain this to her, because, obviously, getting frustrated wasn't going to help him any, since she would just assume he was being defensive.

"God, do I know that. But, if you spend all your time working on the details of each sentence, you forgot to look forward to the next paragraphs. If I keep working on everything, trying to make things feel natural, then will it ever just be natural? Will I ever have the chance to just sit back and look at it for the whole picture?"

There was a moment of silence, and Jayden filled it with his hurried thoughts, hoping he'd finally managed to get through to Paige. What he'd said was true, at least, he thought it was. If he had to keep trying to force himself to like Alan, then would he ever just like him?

"What happened between you two? You were both so happy when you first met," Paige said, sounding somewhat defeated when she realized that Jayden had managed to poke a hole in her logic. She still had that zest in her tone, though, like she wasn't quite done with this debate.

"He's going to leave, so what's the point?" Jayden said simply, completely forgetting that she didn't know what had happened. He didn't even know if he should bother telling her, because the one thing that always annoyed him about loss was the way that people tried to understand and the way they tried make you believe they felt what you felt.

"He's not Francis, you don't know that he's going to leave," Paige reprimanded, like she knew about some underhanded deal that Jayden had been conveniently left out of. He knew that she didn't know about Alan leaving for the army, but he couldn't help but be angered by the way she pretended she knew everything, even when she knew nothing.

"Actually, I do."

"That's what your problem with the relationship is, Jayden," Paige started as he pulled himself into a sitting position to brace himself for whatever stream of platitudes she had prepared for him, "You're not trying to move on, you're just trying to find Francis in someone else."

"That may very well be true," Jayden agreed, but his voice was apathetic, since he'd already known this for a while, "but that doesn't change the fact that I know he's leaving. He enrolled in the army and he leaves in a month for basic."

There was a silence as Jayden waited for the overused string of apologies to come pouring from her mouth. He'd brought it onto himself, though. He shouldn't have bothered telling her, because now she was going to want to hang out and try to make herself feel better, even if she knew it wasn't really her fault.

"I'm sorry, Jayden, I had no idea. I wouldn't have introduced you if I knew this was going to happen."

"Don't worry about it. Seriously," Jayden mumbled, "It really doesn't bother me that he's leaving."

"And nothing ever will if you don't let go of Francis," Paige said, masking her hostility with the quietness of her voice, "Oh well. Do you want to hang out today or anything? Me, you, and Alan, if you want?"

"I can't. I'm busy. I have to be somewhere in fifteen minutes, so I have to go," Jayden said, keeping his sentences short and to the point. They both knew he was lying, but he didn't care. He wasn't ready to defend himself, since his mental armor has already fallen a long time ago. And, on top of that, he didn't feel he needed to, since it was his life and his mistakes.

Playing with his lip thoughtfully, his finger hovered over Francis' name. Jayden was fighting so hard to defend Francis' place in his head, so that meant he still cared about him right? So, if that was true, he should want to see him, or spend time with him. He should probably call Alan though, since he hadn't heard from him the last few days. What's another day, Jayden thought to himself as he held his phone to his ear as he waited for Francis to pick up.

"Hello?" Francis asked quickly.

"Hey," Jayden said nervously. It felt like that first day he started talking to him; he had no idea what to say and he was afraid that anything he could or would say might upset him.

"Hey, man. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush, I can't really talk. What do you need?" Francis said, his voice becoming oddly muffled at time as if something was rubbing up against his phone. He was probably just getting changed.

"Oh," Jayden said softly, somewhat abashed that he'd taken the risk of calling, all for nothing, "I was just calling because I curious if you wanted to hang out, but I guess you can't."

"Yea, sorry," Francis muttered half-heartedly as Jayden pulled himself from the couch to walk back to the kitchen, ignoring the water bottle and his thirst as he crossed the threshold, "I have something important to do right now, but I don't think I'll have a ride afterwards. We can aim for next week if you want, though."

"Yea. Yea, that's cool. I'll call you then," Jayden uttered, trying to sound unfazed, but he felt his voice crack. Was all his lying really worth it for this?

He hung up the phone not bothering to say goodbye, but he knew that Francis probably didn't even care. Francis has chosen his priorities, and obviously Jayden wasn't one of them anymore. Back when this all began, he'd easily walk the distance for Jayden and not care, just because they'd get to see each other. Now, they had all this time and emotional distance between them, and he wondered, what was this all for?

Before he knew what he was doing, before he even became aware of his hands moving, he was holding his phone to his ear, trying to fill the certain emptiness with the voice of the one person he hadn't alienated yet. The words that flooded his mind were a small token, or a small prize that reminded him that he wasn't yet alone. It was bittersweet, like a gift given for the wrong intentions.

"Do you want to come over?" Jayden asked restlessly, searching quietly for some kind of benevolence to put behind his offer.

"Yea, sure, of course. I was actually about to call you," Alan said, picking up on the urgency that Jayden was trying to hard to ignore, "I'll be there in a few. Want to meet outside the mall?"

"Sounds good," Jayden bumbled as he stopped walking around in circles and actively set a course to his bedroom, retrieving his sweatshirt from behind the door. He didn't know how hot it was out, but he didn't really care. He just wanted to get out of his house, because it seemed to be plagued with all his nauseating memories, and thoughts that made the world spin, just like his chair had. They seemed to work their way into his core and make him do stupid things.

He was almost positive he heard Alan say he loved him, but he just hung up the phone, locking the door on the way out. Jumping down the steps two at a time, he ignored the warm air that fluttered around him in the stairwell. His skin crawled in response to the commanding sun, but his brain forgot to warn him as he heard the loud clang of the door shutting behind him.

The distance seemed a lot shorter to his frantic heart as the cement radiated it's heat through his pant legs. What did they expect him to do? What else could he do? It's not like he could just turn off his feelings and stop wanting everything that's been plaguing him for all these months. Didn't they realize that, after all this time, he would have stopped if he knew how?

As the cars passed him, the light glared in his eyes and the sun stung him, but still he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt. Alan could help him, somehow. He'd know what to do, how to solve all this, or at least he could help him forget, like he always did. One way or another.

The bear was standing out front of the food court doors, wearing some silly design on his short-sleeved gray shirt. He gave Jayden an odd look as he noticed that the wolf was panting in the heat, yet still wearing a sweatshirt. They hugged weakly and Jayden could feel his brain screaming from the mixture of sun and dehydration.

Alan went to try and kiss him, but Jayden evaded him, pretending he was just trying to take off his jacket. Something about the thought of kissing him again scared him to the point where he was debating running back home. His debilitating desire for closeness, or love, had turned into a painful fear of intimacy and even the thought of emotional contact sent his mind reeling.

"Hey," Alan said with a smile, and Jayden did the same as his sweatshirt lay draped over his arm. This wasn't helping at all.

"Hey, what've you been up to?" Jayden said as Alan led him through the glass doors. The cool air fell from the ceiling, embracing Jayden's overheating body comfortably. His head still throbbed from a never-ending migraine, and lips still stung, but at least those didn't make him look neurotic. That's all that really mattered, anyway, that he looked somewhat sane. He didn't want to scare Alan away, because he knew that, if he did, he'd have no one left.

"Nothing, really," Alan disclosed, ignoring the horribly decorated interior of the mall, from the hunter green runner to the sea foam colored tile. Thick, white plaster pillars held up the ceilings in an attempt to make the food court look bigger than it actually was, despite the fact that each table had less than four square feet of personal space, "Are you doing okay? You sounded a little upset on the phone."

"Yea, yea. I'm fine," Jayden muttered with a quick look and flash of his teeth. As soon as he met Alan's concerned gaze, his emotions faded away and he was drawn back to the train-wreck that was the mall's carpeting. Rubbing his neck slowly, he knew he was just making himself look even more insane, so he forced himself to look back at Alan.

"Well, what do you want to do?" he asked as his hand came to rest on Jayden's lower back, ushering him along softly. Jayden could feel his stomach clenching in response to Alan's slight touch, but he ignored it as he watched the arm of his sweatshirt drag along the dirty floors, "We could always go to the movies."

"I don't have any money," Jayden said with a frown as the bear's hand held him around the waist, stopping him mid-step and pulling him into some kind of loving hug, pressing their stomachs together. Alan's hands clasped behind Jayden's back and they looked at each other uncertainly, "I forgot to ask my mother for money last night."

"You know, I could pay for you," Alan said with a simper, which Jayden tried to return. Every smile was a lie and every grimace was one of the most truthful things he'd ever done, but no one knew that. They didn't really need to know, "It'd be a huge imposition, but I think I'll manage."

"Don't worry about it," Jayden said mendaciously, looking at all the people who passed around them. Not one of them was as happy as they tried to make themselves look, and he knew that for a fact, because all Jayden did was lie to himself about his contentment. The chatter rose around them as they stood in front of the dining families and the disgruntled fast food employees, but he didn't want to hear it, "we can just spend some time together, since you said money is tight."

"I guess that works, too," Alan returned and he could tell that he had been keen on being in a dark place with him for extended amounts of time, but Jayden was just too tired, "We can always go to the arcade. I mean, fifty cents a game isn't exactly big spending."

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me," Jayden said as he pulled away.

The walk was silent, despite the uproar of chatter, and laughter, and buzzing of bells from the games in the arcade. Everything was dark and bathed in crimson from the overhead neon lights, making him feel like he was in a low-budget horror flick. Alan led the way across the cracked floor that had been painted black to hide just how cheap this place was. As they stood beside one of numerous fighter games that lined the walls, Jayden looked around, through the gloom, and found something that part of him had expected, but all of him wanted to deny.

Standing out against the glare of the numerous screens, Francis stood behind a wolf that he remembered quite vividly. He could feel his heart drop and his mouth dry even more as he watched, transfixed by the way Francis was joking around with Audrey, like he didn't even care who he lied to. Francis had insisted numerous times that Jayden could trust him, so that must mean that Jayden was only seeing things. Francis had said he was busy, but, in his world, perhaps this was important. Perhaps he just liked the thrill of lying, or the idea of getting away with doing something wrong.

Jayden heard Alan put two quarters into the machine and press the start button, filling the air with a loud screeching of sound. Sneaking away, Jayden battled the stinging heat that had overtaken his face and licked his lips as he walked silently over to Francis. He tapped him on the shoulder lightly as he perked his eyebrow, sucking on his lip with an angry conviction.

"Wha - Oh," Francis stammered as both him and Audrey turned around with a look of confusion.

"Shocking, isn't it?" Jayden grumbled, throwing his stare between the both of them, seeing Francis' frown sink with each painful second, "The thing about people who think they're good at lying is that they also seem to think they can't get caught. Then, when they do, they have no idea what to do, because they stop making up a back up plan. Am I right?"

"Before you jump to any conclusions, we were just stopping by before I went to a job interview," Francis said and Jayden's lips curled malevolently, thoroughly enjoying the way Francis squirmed.

"Yes, because you'll definitely get the job dressed like that," Jayden commented as he looked at his torn jean shorts and distressed t-shirt. Turning to Audrey, he held out his hand and she stared at it curiously, unsure whether to take it or not, "Anyway, I'm Jayden. I believe the last time we met, you two were kissing. I'm Francis' other other other lover. Or, rather, I was, because, honestly, I have no idea what we are anymore."

"Uh, hi, I'm -"

"Audrey. I know," Jayden interrupted with a deranged smirk that was meant to intimidate her, but all it did was make Jayden worry about his own sanity, because they way it played across his lips felt too real. He could feel his heart speeding up as he resisted the urge to reach out and strangle Francis, but his thoughts slowed until all he could think about was the lost expression on the bear's face, "Back to what I was saying; I'm sure Francis has told you absolutely nothing about me, but that's fine, because it'll make this more impersonal. Since you seem to be his chauffeur, can you take him by my house sometime so he can get his fucking stuff, before I throw it all out?"

"I - Yea, sure," Audrey mumbled, her eyes wide with a mixture of fear and confusion. Jayden's maniacal aura probably suggested the one thing that he'd been fearing for months; that he'd finally stressed himself so much that he'd lost his mind. But, he couldn't be crazy, could he? Because, he'd always been told that crazy people didn't know they're crazy. Regardless, Audrey seemed to fear that Jayden would pull out a knife and attack them, so he just rolled his neck as he walked away.

Stalking out of the arcade, past Alan and Francis and Audrey, Jayden rubbed his eyes feverishly, trying to calm his racing heart and clenching jaw. His battered breathing didn't even reach his ears because all he could hear was a loud, incessant ringing that was bothering him even more then his encounter with Francis. He didn't even care about him anymore, he knew he didn't. He didn't care about anyone anymore, he just tried to because he wanted everything to go back to the way it had before.

But, now? It was all over, he didn't care. He knew he didn't. He accepted he didn't. He just wanted to be alone, and he just needed some time to figure out what had happened, or find out where he went wrong. He was too tired to pretend that none of this hurt, and he was to tired to fight the pain it caused him to attach all these fake smiles to face.

A hand wrapped around his upper arm and tried to pull him back, but he wrenched himself away as he spun around on the spot, ready to strike.

"Just leave me alone, Francis!" Jayden shouted as he stood, dazed and confused in the middle of the parking lot, feeling the sky bearing down on him, the light fogging up his eyes. He instantly felt naked, and completely lost as he looked into Alan's eyes frantically.

"Francis?" The bear muttered, furrowing his eyebrows, his concern digging into Jayden's skin, making it twinge. This was everything he had been trying to avoid; that moment where all the truth came out, and, just like he'd said to Francis, he didn't have a back up plan.

"It's nothing," Jayden said under his breath as he ran his hand through his headfur, pressing his ears against his skull fearfully, "I - I'm just not feeling too well, so I was going to head home."

"Without telling me?" Alan pressed, trying to study the whites of Jayden's eyes, but the wolf just looked away defensively, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Jayden said, turning back around to start heading towards his house, but Alan just followed close to his side, trying to break into his brain and study his thoughts, to try and figure out what he wasn't being told, "Just had a - I just wanted to go home, and you looked like you were having fun."

"Will you just tell me what happened? Was it your ex? I promise I won't be upset, just tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you," Alan rambled as Jayden cut across the street, barely paying attention to the cars that were passing feet from him.

"It's nothing. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to think about it. I just want to forget it," Jayden explained, forcing the syllables through the fog in his mind that was intent on sticking all his words to the roof of his mouth. It was true, he didn't want to think about it anymore. He couldn't think about it anymore. There was no point.

"Obviously you're having a hard time just forgetting about it," Alan pressed, once again stopping Jayden by the side of the road, holding him by his shoulders as he tried to find the true person behind the wolf's placid stare. Looking away, he accepted that he'd turned into a horrible person. With all his lying, and ducking, and dodging. Alan stared at the side of his face gravely as he continued, "I've known you for about two months now and the only thing I've gotten from you is sex. I know there's something more to you than that. You go from this cute, sweet, innocent guy to this sex-crazed loner who won't talk to me about anything. Hell, you won't even look at me and you barely let me touch you. I take one step forward, you take two steps back and you're always trying to keep at least five feet of space between us."

"I'm just going through some... things," Jayden said, shaking his head as he looked at the sidewalk, the grip on his arms weakening, "trying to forget is the best thing to do. There's no use thinking about it anymore."

"Forgetting it isn't the best thing to do," Alan rebutted forcefully, the strength of his voice drawing Jayden's gaze into his face, "trying to deal with the problem is the best thing to do. Because, how else are you supposed to learn? Why won't you talk to me about anything? I can't help you deal with it if you don't."

"Because I don't know what to say, or how to say it without people getting mad at me," Jayden replied softly, hearing Alan sigh loudly as his hands clasped the sides of his head tightly. His reproachful gaze hurt more than anything else he'd ever felt, because he could feel everything dwindling away into nothing.

"I really, truly do want to help you, Jayden. I want to try and make things easier for you, but you won't let me. I don't know what else I can do, it's like you don't even want to be with me!"

Everything became quiet as the thoughts in Jayden's mind slowly solidified, making everything make sense, despite everything being so complicated and confusing. It was so simple and it was the answer all along, and he'd known it, but he'd never thought he'd actually be able to say it or think it without his mind denying it.

"I - I don't. I don't want to be with you, not yet. Not now. Not while I know you're leaving," Jayden said, his dry throat barely letting a whisper through. Suddenly, the sound of cars and horns and tires broke into his head, driving out the fog. He heard Alan give a snort of laughter as he rubbed the small space in between his eyebrows.

"This isn't about me leaving. That's not even close to what this is about," Alan intoned as he shook his head, almost like he was in denial, "If you were really afraid of me leaving, you wouldn't have let this all start. You would've tried to end it sooner. This is about Francis, isn't it? Your ex? Every time I try to ask you about what happened between you two, you just evade the questions, or - or just pretend you didn't hear me."

"I don't tell you about him because I don't want it ruining what we have. This isn't about my ex, you can trust me. I swear," Jayden murmured indistinctly, breathing in deep as he shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to follow Alan's eyes as he looked away for once.

"What we have..." Alan chuckled almost inaudibly to himself before pursing his lips in Jayden's direction, "If that's not what this is about, then just tell me why you're so upset. Tell me why you insist on keeping a wall between us, now matter how much I try to break it down. Tell me why you can't love me the way I'm trying to love you!"

"It's because I don't love you!" Jayden shouted back, brushing past Alan as his face fell in shock, having finally had his fears acknowledged. Finally away from the main road and all the curious cars, Jayden stopped to look at Alan some feet away as he rubbed his mouth. Alan walked up to him slowly as Jayden returned his hands to his pockets once more, "I can't love you, Alan. I'm trying, but I can't. My head won't let me, no matter what I try. I look at you, and it hurts. I look at you, and I spend time with you, and all I can think about is the things I've done wrong, or - or the things I'm going to do wrong, or how the only thing I have to hold onto is the thought of you leaving! Just like him! I don't have enough left inside of me to deal with that all over again."

"Why do you care so much about the things you've done wrong?" Alan asked harshly, almost on the verge of going mad himself. He moved his hands frantically, as if it would somehow force his ideas into Jayden's head, despite his inability to hear him, even as he listened so intently, "I'm trying to give you a chance to start over and not care about your past. I just don't see why you can't accept that I'm not going to leave you. Sure, I won't be able to hold you, or kiss you, but, tell me, honestly, what's the difference? You barely let me do those things now!"

"Oh, please," Jayden sighed, wanting to lash out because he didn't need to be pushed back into another corner, "Don't start getting all self-righteous on me. You're throwing stones in a glass house yourself, Alan. You're not over your ex either, because if you were, you wouldn't be running away to do something you don't even want to do. You're just as afraid to move on as I am, and don't even try to deny it."

"You're right," Alan said, his voice dropping as he walked closer, his hands held up in surrender. Jayden didn't quite buy into it, because he could still feel the adrenaline rushing through his veins. For once, he had a legitimate reason to be angry, and an honest reason to argue, so he wanted to get as much of it out as he could, "I'm not over my ex. The difference between us is that I'm actually trying to get over her, and I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to be close to you. I'm trying to write an honest story so I can figure out what the hell happened and where we went wrong. I can list all the things I'm trying to do, but you? You're just keeping yourself stuck, trying to think that you still have a chance."

Even though Jayden had always known it to be true, it still felt like a slap across the face, because Alan was the closest Jayden had come to trying. He'd known the whole time that he really didn't like Alan as more than a friend, if he even liked him as that, but it had never occurred to him that he noticed.

"Don't start judging my relationships when you don't know anything about them," Jayden grumbled. He knew it was a lousy comeback, but he had no idea how to defend himself from the truth.

"See? You're still defending him!" Alan growled, and Jayden looked away feeling all his reason to fight disappear along with all of his anger. It seemed the truth was the worst weapon you could use to debilitate someone, "Just because you said that, I can guess more about your relationship then you'd ever tell me. You want to love him, but he keeps turning you down, right? Wanna know how I know? It's because you keep doing it to me. So, maybe, you two are a good couple after all."

"I'm trying to change, I just don't know how," Jayden said feebly, watching Alan roll his eyes. Jayden had always done that to Francis, every single time he lied, and every single time Francis had insisted he could be believed. Every single time he insisted that he could be trusted. And, even though Jayden knew he was only repeating Francis' past, he couldn't keep himself from lying.

"No, you're not," Alan stated definitively, and Jayden stared at his feet like he was broken, or beaten, or defeated. He wasn't even going to fight it anymore, because it was true. It was all true. "You know you need to change, but you're just trying to find reasons not to. I'm just going to leave now before this pointless debate goes on any longer."

Alan turned and left, leaving Jayden to watch him disappear around the corner. Everything Alan had said was right and everything Paige had said was right. He wasn't a good, or honest, or trustworthy person anymore. He was Francis.

At least one good thing came of his distance with Alan; this time he wouldn't have another bag of belongings to fill his closet.