Coming Out

Story by douxdeer on SoFurry

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haven't published any of my writing since i was like 12 so hope this is ok! wanted to write something positive about coming out after personal experiences at whatnot, enjoy!

beta read by the wonderful https://twitter.com/El_Blitzhal !


It was a weird dare.

Maybe Harley was just being paranoid, an excess of worry accumulated over years of keeping a secret, but then again, the odds of someone saying something that on the nose was slim to none. They had to know more than they were letting on.

Why else would they dare him to ask out Oliver of all animals?

Harley had already been dating Oliver for a couple months, in secret, of course. It was Oliver, the bolder of the two, and the only one who was actually out, who asked him out in the first place; between being the only rams at the school and both of them being gay, Harley figured he'd give it a shot, and things had been smooth sailing since then. Or, at least they had been.

It happened during the last football practice of the season, and for Harley, since he was a senior, his last practice ever. Given the general inclinations of the types of players on the team, it quickly devolved into a chaotic mess of animals running around chasing each other, which Harley did his best to avoid. Not that he hated any of them, but a group of animals that practices tackling for five hours a day can become rather precarious when excited, and he wanted to avoid goring anyone with his horns on his last day with the team. Besides, he had a date with a certain someone later that night, so he had more important things on his mind.

As much as he enjoyed the time that he spent on the team, and the (hopefully lasting) friends he had made, it was also hard to feel genuinely close with any of them. They were all, for lack of a better term, very authentically and openly themselves. Crushes, dates, and everything in between was an open discussion rather than an open secret, and none of them had a drop of shame about it. Not that they were gross or predatory about it, rather they just shared a certain level of comfort with each other that lent itself towards that type of talk. A level of comfort that made Harley always feel like the elephant in the room. Whenever they'd try to include him in the conversation he would awkwardly skirt around a half-answer, or try to change the subject. He couldn't engage with them in the same way that they did with each other, and it always made him feel like an outsider with a team that was supposed to be like family.

The shitty part was that everyone on the team was surprisingly nice. It wasn't like they had made overt homophobic comments, or covertly homophobic ones for that matter, nor had they ever tried to shame or make fun of him when it was painfully clear that he couldn't relate to their experiences with women. For all he knew they would all accept him with open arms the minute he came out, but he figured it would still be better to wait to come out until after his final year was over. If it turned out everyone really was homophobic and hated him, he wouldn't have to endure that pain every practice just to keep his scholarship, and if they accepted him, then they could have closer friendships for the rest of the school year. Either way it seemed like a win, minus the four years of pain he suffered keeping his identity hidden from everyone.

One particularly rough night, when he had to leave a post-win celebration early because being with the team was just making him too disconsolate, Harley decided to finally talk with his boyfriend about maybe coming out. That was when they had come up with their so-called "plan", or more accurately, drunken agreement, on how Harley was going to come out to the team. At the end of football season it was a tradition to have two parties; one to celebrate just with the team, and then a second college-wide party the next night as their final farewell. The "plan" was for Harley to come out at the end of the first party, and then take Oliver as his date to the second. It was foolproof.

Until it wasn't.

Harley had been in the middle of changing, enjoying the relief of fresh clothes after an intense couple of hours of avoiding tackles. The rest of the team was talking about who they were bringing to the school-wide party (it was customary to go alone to the first party) when, out of the corner of his eye, Harley saw the fox next to him turn towards him. Harley felt his frame tense.

"Sooo... you bringing anyone?" The fox asked.

"Hadn't planned on it," Harley responded.

"Oh come on, let us set you up with someone. It can be our parting gift."

"If I'm getting gifts I think I'd prefer cash."

"Does that one ewe still go here? Sarah or whatever her name was." Another animal interjected.

"Really guys, I'm-"

"Nah, she graduated last year." A tiger from across the room said. "Pretty sure the only other ram that goes here is the photographer from the school paper. That guy who's always on the sidelines."

Harley felt the nervousness start to seep in. "Well I guess that settles that then."

"Would you go for a doe? I know a couple." The fox continued.

"I've been single as long as you guys have known me, why change it up now?"

"We've been trying to set you up with someone for four years now, if you graduate single then all of our work will have been for naught." The fox feigned his hand over his heart.

"Good luck with that then."

"What about the ram then?"

"What about him?"

"If you're not gonna take a real date, then what if we dare you to ask him? Like in the movies."

A couple of the teammates gave affirmations to the idea, and suddenly Harley was struggling to form a coherent sentence.

"That... seems a little cruel." Harley eventually said.

"I'd do it. Beats going alone, at least you get a little fun out of it then."

"What exactly is 'fun' about that?"

"I don't know dude. It's our last party together, I'm just saying, you could stand to do something fun."

"I think I'm okay."

"What, too chicken?"

"Hey. Drop it." The tiger hissed, glaring at the fox.

At first, Harley felt a little relief, that someone had saved him from having to continue that conversation. Until he realized the locker room was dead quiet, and everyone was pretending to stare at their clothes, or the ground, and a million thoughts started running through his head. Was the fox just being homophobic, and the tiger was just trying to be a decent animal by shutting him up? Were they secretly making fun of him, was the whole finding him a date thing just a big joke to them because they knew he was gay? Was he just being paranoid, and it was only awkward because the tiger lashed out?

Thankfully, the conversation moved on before he could think about it much longer, and he made his way out with an awkward goodbye and a few hugs.

He couldn't wait to see Oliver.

That was the part of their relationship that Harley realized he loved the most. The genuine bond that they shared together, the ability for them to be completely open with one another, tell each other their problems and try to find a solution together, or just vent anxieties. He had always kept everything bottled up before they met, not wanting to burden his friends with such personal stuff (not that he was out to any of his other friends anyway), and letting it all out with Oliver was like a million weights off his chest.

They had planned to go on their date around six, to give Harley an hour to wind down and freshen up after practice, but he knew he couldn't wait that long. The party was tomorrow, which gave them that night to figure out what to do, and he really didn't want to be alone for it.

He sent a quick text to Oliver.

'Can we meet up now?'

He got a response before he could even put his phone back in his pocket.

'yeah! see you soon <3'

Harley finally felt a bit of tension leave his body. At the very least, no matter what happened with the team, he knew he'd have Oliver. But it would be nice if things went well with them too.

It was only a five-minute walk from the practice field to Oliver's apartment. He felt a wave of comfort wash over him as he opened the door, seeing the familiar room; the tapestry up on the wall of Oliver's favorite band, the smell of the incense he always burned, the little pile of folded clothes on the chair in the corner that he was always too lazy to put away. He almost felt more comfortable there than in his own apartment, even if Oliver's was much smaller being just a studio.

"Hello?" Harley called out. The pile of haphazardly discarded pajamas outside the bathroom told him Oliver was likely changing.

"Just a minute!" Oliver called back. That familiar voice almost melted him into a puddle of love, that gentle timbre with a hint of deepness behind it. He almost forgot about everything that had happened.

He heard the bathroom door jiggle not long after, and out emerged the ram, dressed up in a nice sweater and jeans. As much as he looked stunning in the outfit, Harley desperately wanted a hug, and he quickly embraced his partner (while taking care to avoid getting stabbed in the eye by his horns).

"Aw, what's wrong?" Oliver asked.

"Who said there was anything wrong?"

"Me, two seconds ago."

"Geez, can't even let me get through a hug first?"

"Come on," He pushed away so they could make eye contact, "what's wrong?"

"I don't even know how to explain it."

"Well try."

"Fine," Harley flopped down on Oliver's bed, "so I was at practice today, and you know, all the guys were talking about who they were bringing to the party this Saturday."

Oliver nodded along with the story, eventually taking a seat at the edge of the bed as Harley recounted the horrors from that day's locker room talk.

Harley couldn't bring himself to look at Oliver when he finished the story. "He dared me to ask you out. Like, as a joke."

"He what?"

"I know."

"Why the hell would he say something like that?"

"He probably thought he was being funny or something, but still, it's weird. It's not like he has a history of saying things like that."

"Well, what do you want to do about it?"

"I came here to ask you the same thing."

"But you're the one who's coming out. It's really up to you, babe."

Harley felt his heart flutter at the last word. "I love you."

"Love you too."

"So, either the fox knows about us, or he's just homophobic, right?"

"Unless the team knows."

"But if the whole team knew I don't think they would've tried to set me up with a girl, right?"

"Maybe, if none of them were homophobic."

"So you're saying maybe all of them are homophobic?"

"No..."

"But?"

"But if we're talking hypotheticals..."

"Okay, well if some of them know, and they didn't care, then they would have said something, right? To let me know?"

"I don't know, some animals are awkward about that stuff."

"Okay, well at this rate we're not getting anywhere with this."

"I'm sorry..." Oliver started playing with his hair, which Harley recognized as a nervous habit. "I don't want to give you advice and you decide to do something, or not do something, and you end up regretting it. I've never even met most of those guys, and you know them way better than me. Whatever you feel is right, whatever you wanna do, I'll support you. One-hundred-percent, no question asked."

And somehow, that simple phrase made him feel better than all the advice in the world could've.

Harley took a deep breath. "I'm still coming out. If they hate me for it then they can hate me."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

The rest of their date went smoothly. Perfect, even. Harley barely even thought about everything that had happened, intent to enjoy their time together. He had already made up his mind, and all he could do now was enjoy his date with the person who would still be with him no matter what happened by the end of it all.

As much as it had felt like an impulsive decision, he realized later that night, when was finally alone in his own bed, that it was really far from one. His freshman year of high school he had decided he would come out the next year when he had a friend group and knew more kids at the school. Then, the next year, he decided he'd come out his senior year, when he was leaving, and there would be far fewer consequences. Then, his senior year, he decided he'd come out in college. He had broken up with his boyfriend since he was moving, and he only had a couple friends, so he may as well just wait, right? Once he was in college, and spending all his time split between practices, parties, and pretending to do classwork, he decided he'd do it later. He needed to keep the football scholarship, and he was having fun with his teammates even if he wasn't out, so why risk anything? Not that the school would rescind the scholarship, but he knew if the team received it poorly that the ostracization would hurt too much. Even when he met Oliver, and he was finally in another relationship, he put it off. Oliver was fine with him staying in the closet, and it wasn't like he had to announce his boyfriend to the world, so why not keep waiting?

His whole life, he had spent waiting, searching for the "perfect" moment to come out. When everyone would accept him, and it would be great, and nothing bad would happen, and he realized that wasn't how he wanted to live his life anymore. There wasn't ever going to be a perfect moment, something was always going to come up that would give him doubts. If not the fox's weird dare, then something, but he was sick of waiting. It was his senior year of college, the football season was over, and he was going to come out, whether anyone liked it or not.

He woke up the next morning happier than he had been in a while. Not that he was necessarily optimistic; he was ready whether things went south or went perfectly. But he was ready.

The party started smoothly, at a typical college-town pub as their "pre-game" (which Harley didn't quite understand, since everyone who would be at the party was at the pub). Animals showed up at various times, most late, and the conversation was relaxed, especially after everyone had a couple drinks. Harley was happy to participate, feeling more comfortable than he had in a while talking with everyone. Even if he hadn't come out yet, and even if he was becoming more and more nervous at the prospect, it was still a farewell party and he was going to enjoy himself.

After the pre-game, things moved to a house that a couple of the guys on the team rented together. For being shared between four football players, it was both surprisingly nice and clean, and they even set some more snacks out once everyone arrived. It was far more than Harley had ever expected, having known those guys for four years.

He realized early into the night that he was going to have to come out sometime soon. Between the animals getting increasingly intoxicated, and the fact that the party didn't really have a set end time, at some point he was going to have to go for it. As much as he had prepared for this moment, rehearsed what he was going to say, realized how much he wanted to do it, he still felt that lingering tingling in his arms. It was one thing to be sure of himself when he was with his boyfriend, but it was another thing to be sure of himself in front of the group of animals he actually had to come out to. The anxiety was near paralyzing.

"Wanna beer?"

Harley was snapped out of his spiral by a teammate, the tiger from yesterday, handing him a drink. Harley stared back at him, still stuck in his head.

"Is that a no?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll take one." Harley responded.

They both stood next to each other in silence, nursing their drinks as they watched the animals in the living room harass one another.

"So, got any plans for after college?" The tiger asked.

"Not really. Not quite sure what you're supposed to do with a degree in biology, but I guess I'll figure it out. You?"

"Oh I don't know, probably work for whatever company likes our team enough that they'll look past my GPA."

"That doesn't sound half bad, any office would be lucky to get a wide receiver half as good as you."

"You're damn right."

They both laughed, and Harley started to feel a little better.

"Can I ask you something a little weird?" Harley asked.

"Shoot."

"You remember yesterday, in the locker room, with that whole thing with that fox daring me to ask out the ram?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"What was that all about?"

"Hell if I know, he was probably just egging you on. You know how he is."

"But why'd you tell him to shut up?"

"I don't know."

"You've never done that before. You usually just let him go on."

"Look, what do you want me to say, kid's annoying, alright? Did I hurt his feelings or something?"

"No, sorry, I was just curious is all."

There was an awkward silence between them. If Harley hadn't been so preoccupied, he might've been worried that he hurt the tiger's feelings, but he had some more pressing thoughts on his mind. Mainly, that he knew he had an opportunity right then, and he knew he couldn't pass it up after all of those years of waiting and hiding. Even if it would hurt. He just needed a way to shift the conversation a little, make it less awkward.

"How do you feel about gay animals?" Harley asked, immediately realizing that was quite possibly the most awkward question he could've asked.

"What?"

"No, uh, sorry, I mean..."

"You mean?"

"I don't know."

The tiger looked down at his drink. "I think they're cool. Or whatever the right word is. Seems like a stupid thing to hate on, y'know?"

Harley just nodded, feeling his throat tighten, the hand holding the beer starting to tremble. It was the response he was hoping for, but somehow that just made it worse, because he knew he had to do it now. That this would be the best place to start, and if he didn't start now, then he never would.

Harley took a deep breath, trying desperately to steady his words, and spoke before he could stop himself.

"I'm gay." He said, quickly, feeling every single nerve in his body light up.

It felt like years before the tiger finally responded.

"Oh, really? That's cool bro, thanks for telling me."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. No skin off my back if you like dudes."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hope you're feeling a little better now."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you've been standing alone staring at everyone for half an hour. I assumed something was up."

"Oh. Thanks then."

"Like I said, no problem."

Harley was a bit in shock. He did it. He told someone. Not the whole team quite yet, but it was a start. The start. And it went about as good as it could have, all things considered. It was hard to believe that this was finally happening after waiting so long, but it felt nice finally being able to breathe again.

"I want to tell the whole team, you know, before tomorrow and stuff." Harley said.

"Okay, did you want my help with that or something?"

Harley paused. "Do you think it's a good idea? Coming out to everyone?"

"You're asking a straight guy for advice on coming out?"

"Maybe just a little reassurance."

"I think it's a great idea. Fuck anyone who says otherwise."

"Thanks."

Harley realized that was about as much reassurance as he was ever going to get from the tiger, and to be honest, it was as much as he needed. He was, for the second time, ready.

He approached the edge of the living room connecting to the kitchen, where he could see the whole team out in front of him. A sea of animals with drinks in hand, some pretending they knew how to dance, others smiling and laughing. He realized that shouting was probably his best option if he wanted anyone to actually listen.

"Hey, turn the music down!"

He watched as a wolf scrambled over to the speaker and hit the mute button.

The room was silent. All eyes were on him. He had their undivided attention.

"I just wanted to say, it's been a great season, and playing with you all these last couple years has been amazing. Best years of my life."

He got a couple of cheers from the crowd.

"Getting to know you guys more as animals, and really connect with you guys, it's been great. We're like a family, and I hope I still see all of you again, even now that I'm done with football."

Again, more cheers.

"But, there's something I need to tell you guys."

There weren't any cheers this time. The room stayed quiet. Harley could feel his heart in his throat. It was now or never.

"I'm gay."

There was another moment of silence, as everyone processed what he said. Harley scanned the crowd, desperately looking for anything that resembled a positive reaction.

"Finally!" He heard a voice in the crowd yell, followed by a round of cheers. Harley wasn't quite sure if that was the reaction he had been hoping for.

"Finally? What's finally?"

"Dude, we all know about you and that other ram. We just wanted you to tell us on your own terms." The fox said.

Oh. Well, that's something.

"We? You guys what?"

This time the tiger spoke up, and Harley realized what was happening. "We wanted to try to encourage you to tell us at the last practice. Guess we might have gone about it a bit wrong though." He said sheepishly.

"Sorry about that." The fox added.

"What? So are you guys are cool?" Harley asked.

"Of course man! We always got your back!" The fox said. "In fact..."

Before Harley could even protest, the team swarmed around him, seemingly split between trying to hug him and pat him on the back. Amid the crowd around him, the cheers for him, the pressure of coming out finally gone after years of holding it in, he felt the tears start welling up in his eyes.

He finally did it, and he couldn't have been happier.