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"BLEU" - Me'Zelf

Photo above:

"First Appearance, 20TH SEPTEMBER 2021"

I** INTRODUCTION:**

Me'Zelf (twisted from "myself" in Dutch). Can be called an "imaginary friend" or "spirit", whatever perceived by others. A wyvern that isn't really a wyvern (although he really tries hard to be one). A fragment of my personality. This writing was made as my act of self-discovery, a part of my self-redemption after neglecting my own true nature nearly the entirety of lifetime. He primarily represents my creativity and imagination, which details here close to fully fleshed out.

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CURRENT PERSONALITY DESCRIPTION:

His personality representation could be easily explained by the colour presented, because it was my genuine expression of colour choice during his creation. The traits below are existent in this fragment of my personality through different stages of life until this point. Take note that some have been suppressed (underlined) and others are dominant (bold) during this time of writing. Note that even suppressed traits will still rarely be expressed.

Purple: Authenticity , Selflessness, Quality, Respect , Balance , Creativity , Spirituality , Imagination , Truth , Introversion, Arrogance, Cynical,Aloofness, Delusional

Grey: Patience , Neutrality , Balance , Practicality , Professionalism, Conservation, Indecisiveness, Lack of Confidence, Distant, Depression, Isolation

Green: Balance , Optimism , Playfulness, Awareness , Adaptability , Vitality, Compassion , Self-reliance, Generosity, Truth , Reassurance, Naivete, Fatigue, Cautious, Stagnation

Black: Sophistication , Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment, Secretive, Depression, Aloofness, Sadness, Oppression, Menace, Withholding, Negativity

White: Sophistication , Clarity , Purity, Equality , Simplicity, Self-Sufficient, Distant, Isolation, Cautious, Critical, Emptiness, Sterility

BACKGROUND:

An ethereal entity that manifested as a shapeshifter in my mindscape, concentrated as a significant fragment of my personality. Something like an imaginary friend or spirit from the superficial viewpoint? The first one to be manifested after my personal reform, but he has been hanging around for my entire life without my notice. The first instance of creativity that I could remember, was digging lines in the sand on a beach. There were many memories following that, especially vivid ones with me scribbling on any paper with any pencil.

TIMELINE:

CHILDHOOD

Purple: Authenticity,Selflessness, Quality, Respect, Balance, Creativity , Spirituality , Imagination , Truth, Introversion, Arrogance ,Cynical, Aloofness, Delusional

Grey: Patience, Neutrality, Balance, Practicality, Professionalism, Conservation, Indecisiveness , Lack of Confidence, Distant, Depression, Isolation

Green: Balance, Optimism , Playfulness , Awareness, Adaptability , Vitality ,Compassion, Self-reliance, Generosity, Truth, Reassurance , Naivete , Fatigue, Cautious, Stagnation

Black: Sophistication,Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment, Secretive, Depression, Aloofness, Sadness, Oppression, Menace, Withholding, Negativity

White: Sophistication,Clarity, Purity, Equality, Simplicity, Self-Sufficient, Distant, Isolation, Cautious, Critical, Emptiness, Sterility

He was the most prominent during my childhood, driving my nature as a dominant personality. His prominent influence on my actions were acts of expression in the form of creativity, using any knowledge, memory or experience available. He longed to manifest himself into reality through these expressions, all this time without my notice. All thoughts of creativity were stemmed from him, ranging from drawing scribbles to playing imaginary games.

Due to the trait of playfulness combined with my dominant nature of always seeking freedom, I was oppressed by adults trying to control me. I had gone through many forms of punishment, but the nature of optimism pulled me through the toughest emotional stresses during my childhood. However, the stress did push my nature towards the darker side when the isolation and neglect amplified the negative impulses under this fragment of personality. It caused a slight behavioural shift when I entered my teens.

TEENS

Purple: Authenticity,Selflessness, Quality, Respect, Balance, Creativity , Spirituality, Imagination , Truth, Introversion, Arrogance, Cynical, Aloofness , Delusional

Grey: Patience, Neutrality, Balance, Practicality, Professionalism, Conservation, Indecisiveness , Lack of Confidence , Distant , Depression, Isolation

Green: Balance, Optimism, Playfulness , Awareness, Adaptability, Vitality, Compassion, Self-Reliance, Generosity, Truth, Reassurance, Naivete, Fatigue, Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication,Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment, Secretive, Depression, Aloofness , Sadness, Oppression , Menace , Withholding, Negativity

White: Sophistication,Clarity, Purity, Equality, Simplicity, Self-Sufficient, Distant , Isolation , Cautious , Critical, Emptiness, Sterility

Entering secondary school, and the dark side of this fragment of personality slowly took over a more significant portion of my nature. Some of the positive components faded away, replaced by more neutral tones. My compassion started developing and imaginations remained. I led a gang of younger kids with awkward backgrounds because these personalities tend to stick around with each other. I felt sympathy for them and took them in, but I wasn't aware of this quality during that age. I created imaginary games out of readily available resources, and played the neutral party when the kids played against each other.

Due to this awkward combination of causing trouble and silence to others brought in from childhood, it quickly gave an awkward position in class. I caused problems in class with childish and naughty pranks, but stayed silent when approached. The awkward social status also earned me neglect and abuse by bullying, added with more negativity from constant punishments. The sense of guilt often clashed with my delusional side, giving a constant unease. I felt most at peace when staring at my captured fish or insects for hours.

REBELLIOUS PHASE

Purple: Authenticity, Selflessness, Quality, Respect, Balance, Creativity, Spirituality,Imagination, Truth, Introversion , Arrogance, Cynical , Aloofness , Delusional

Grey: Patience, Neutrality, Balance, Practicality, Professionalism, Conservation, Indecisiveness , Lack of Confidence , Distance , Depression , Isolation

Green: Balance,Optimism, Playfulness, Awareness, Adaptability, Vitality, Compassion , Self-Reliance, Generosity, Truth, Reassurance, Naivete, Fatigue , Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication , Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment, Secretive , Depression , Aloofness , Sadness , Oppression , Menace , Withholding, Negativity

White: Sophistication , Clarity, Purity, Equality , Simplicity, Self-Sufficient, Distant , Isolation , Cautious , Critical, Emptiness, Sterility

The reality of society began to clash with these qualities further when I entered the rebellious phase. The cold and hard reality chewed away at my creativity, spirituality, imaginations, resourcefulness and practicality, replacing with cold and stiff ideals. It also clashed massively with my playfulness and other qualities, replacing them with blacks and whites. However, I did gain the sense of patience, equality, generosity, and balance.

The negative qualities caused massive trouble during my transition to high school. I had almost no friends due to my awkward social standing, and struggled in my studies due to the massive lack of confidence. These qualities were massively tested and often changed abruptly. It happened through a series of mental breakdowns I faced due to the stress build-up during my struggles through high school. Within this period, I took a liking of pterosaurs from comics and games. They were practical with their trade-off by swapping forelimbs for wings of freedom in flight. I did not know the reason why during that time.

The last mental breakdown in the final year of my school saw the most significant change in this personality fragment. I came out of it finally accepting the reality of society, but mostly the dark side of it. By this time, most of the positive traits were already gone, hidden under the darkness within my mindscape. I lost my creativity and imaginations, evident when I had stopped drawing completely. My patience became more pronounced along with neutrality. The bad news was, I kept most of the negative traits through the whole period before progressing to national service. Also lost all my expressive methods from this fragment too. I was a quiet person, but full of morals, equality, and respect.

Right before National service, was when I encountered wyverns after playing ARK: Survival Evolved for over a year, entering official servers. They were just majestic in comparison to pterosaurs, shaped by the diverse creativity of others. My buried creativity and imaginations reacted to this, hence Me'Zelf taking this form since then. Flying creatures were always my favourite, and wyverns just fitted this part of my personality so much that I did not understand why I couldn't change my preferences over the years. Because they were mythical creatures, they are free to be shaped by the creativity and imaginations of anyone. They were also very practical, trying to make full use of their "handicaps".

ENTERING ADULTHOOD

Purple: Authenticity, Selflessness , Quality , Respect , Balance , Creativity,Spirituality, Imagination, Truth , Introversion, Arrogance, Cynical, Aloofness, Delusional

Grey: Patience , Neutrality , Balance , Practicality , Professionalism , Conservation , Indecisiveness, Lack of Confidence, Distant ,Depression, Isolation

Green: Balance , Optimism, Playfulness, Awareness , Adaptability , Vitality , Compassion, Self-Reliance , Generosity, Truth , Reassurance, Naivete,Fatigue, Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication, Efficiency , Seriousness , Containment , Secretive, Depression, Aloofness, Sadness, Oppression, Menace, Withholding , Negativity

White: Sophistication, Clarity , Purity , Equality , Simplicity , Self-Sufficient, Distant, Isolation, Cautious , Critical , Emptiness, Sterility

Sadly, the newly sparked imaginations did not last long when National Service came. I voluntarily wiped my personality, to enter as a blank page during enlistment. Most of the positive traits were already gone, but I also manage to gain control over some of the negative traits. The traits of professionalism and practicality were actually forced out during training, and they remained until today. The introversion, indecisiveness, and lack of confidence were compensated with my rigidity to the military system, and nearly all the naivete was eliminated. I had to constantly deal with attention and people around, so it weakened my sense of isolation.

I recovered my adaptability and vitality due to the intense training that forced one through near-survival situations. It came in the form of resourcefulness and critical thinking. It also awakened my selfless quality, which followed through the entire service period. I usually put my responsibilities over personal gain, though often behind the scenes out of view. We were hard-wired by the system to respect it, with morals and values hammered into our mindset. I did get some benefits from it as a relief, as it backed up some self-confidence. It even brought back some of my optimism. However, there was always a sense of unease in case that my secrets got completely exposed.

This was also the period that my qualities were most dominated by blacks and whites, with only "yes" or "no", "give" or "take", "success" or "failure", even "good" or "bad". This gave a very straightforward and rigid personality on the surface, but with many heavily suppressed personal thoughts. The only one that I occasionally tried to bend, was the "good" or "bad" when I was faced with personal issues. Anyone that could break the ice and distance behind the quiet and rigid nature, usually find themselves dealing with a really soft personality.

UNIVERSITY

Purple: Authenticity, Selflessness , Quality , Respect , Balance , Creativity,Spirituality, Imagination, Truth, Introversion, Arrogance,Cynical, Aloofness, Delusional

Grey: Patience , Neutrality , Balance , Practicality , Professionalism , Conservation, Indecisiveness, Lack of Confidence, Distant, Depression, Isolation

Green: Balance , Optimism, Playfulness, Awareness, Adaptability, Vitality, Compassion , Self-Reliance , Generosity, Truth, Reassurance, Naivete, Fatigue, Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication , Efficiency , Seriousness , Containment , Secretive, Depression, Aloofness, Sadness, Oppression, Menace, Withholding , Negativity

White: Sophistication , Clarity , Purity, Equality , Simplicity , Self-Sufficient, Distant, Isolation, Cautious , Critical, Emptiness, Sterility

Some rigidity calmed down after National Service, but a significant portion remained integrated into my morals. I took many for university preparation due to their value in future society life, but was unaware of their drawbacks on my social health... I took these qualities into gaming, which transformed my already heavy commitment into taking up leadership roles as a veteran player. I kept the rigidity, but had to adapt to the rapidly building ignorance of social media with more ignorance. This inhibition of expression ended up with the darkness of social media gradually chipping away at my own personality while remaining unchanged on the surface.

Regardless, some of my positive traits did partially recover when entering university for the first term, during the second half of 2019. I never had any prior study life periods more enjoyable than those couple of months. I joined events that gave chances to expression, as well as mixing with fellow students for personal interactions. My creative side did not return though, the closest it got was prompting myself to question my somewhat weird attention on my mechanical pencil. I just focused on the future and working as hard as possible, to pursue studies.

A problem did arise after years of absence, procrastination. When I was stricken with stress due to deadlines, the indecisiveness and lack of confidence made it hard to make decisions. It nearly got me in trouble a couple of times, but I ultimately persevered and pulled through with optimism. I questioned it, but couldn't figure out the reason. The question was shoved aside to keep my focus on studies, as it didn't appear as a big problem until much later when the pandemic came... I also developed the sense of independence or even overdeveloped, that it contributed to my downfall as my voice to seek for personal help was silenced...

LATE 2020, RETURNING HOME

Purple: Authenticity, Selflessness , Quality, Respect, Balance, Creativity, Spirituality,Imagination, Truth, Introversion , Arrogance, Cynical , Aloofness , Delusional

Grey: Patience, Neutrality , Balance, Practicality , Professionalism , Conservation , Indecisiveness , Lack of Confidence , Distant , Depression , Isolation

Green: Balance,Optimism, Playfulness, Awareness, Adaptability, Vitality, Compassion, Self-Reliance , Generosity, Truth, Reassurance,Naivete, Fatigue , Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication, Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment , Secretive , Depression , Aloofness , Sadness , Oppression , Menace, Withholding , Negativity

White: Sophistication,Clarity, Purity, Equality, Simplicity , Self-Sufficient, Distant , Isolation , Cautious , Critical , Emptiness , Sterility

Things took a really dark turn when the pandemic came, stripping away my personality to a void through the course of an entire year of near total isolation. By the time I returned home to the embrace of family, it was already too late. There was a dark void within, nearly fully burying my creativity, expressions, emotion, motivation, optimism, and even self-awareness. The closest I've ever got to being nothing more than a lifeless machine.

The only elements that kept me moving were my morals and values. All the rigidity kept my footing against the darkness of social media and gaming communities, at the cost of wearing down my expressions further. The significant isolation and interpersonal distance limited my chances of expression down to null in the public, while being severely suppressed online too. My ideas and thoughts were increasingly limited to realistic approaches, rigid morals and values, along with respect for others. There was no freedom for my voice, or any form of sincere expression of my personality.

There were chances to bring the positive traits back through home cooking and family interaction, but it was again quickly silenced by my final attempt on the fourth study term. The second and third term significantly added to the stress and isolation, which the fourth term was no different. Everything felt rigid, lifeless, and social interaction was extremely limited through online studies. The sadness and disappointment due to the failure of the previous terms contributed further to the void building up within, further smothering any liveliness and self-awareness underneath.

By August 2021 after failing the fourth term, my parents fought hard and got another chance within a pinch. However, I was so enveloped in the void that I could not even bring myself to find the reason behind all these matters. At this point I have lost interest in basically everything I used to do, even hobbies. There was nearly no self-awareness, sincere emotions, or liveliness. Practically a living machine with no soul. The sense of unease that was plaguing me through the last couple of years was even buried so deep that it was almost unnoticeable. I entered a state of depression, that could not be noticed by myself.

SEPTEMBER 1st to 18th 2021

Purple: Authenticity, Selflessness , Quality, Respect, Balance, Creativity, Spirituality, Imagination , Truth, Introversion , Arrogance, Cynical , Aloofness , Delusional

Grey: Patience, Neutrality, Balance, Practicality, Professionalism, Conservation , Indecisiveness , Lack of Confidence , Distant , Depression , Isolation

Green: Balance,Optimism, Playfulness, Awareness, Adaptability, Vitality, Compassion, Self-Reliance , Generosity, Truth, Reassurance,Naivete, Fatigue , Cautious , Stagnation

Black: Sophistication, Efficiency, Seriousness, Containment , Secretive , Depression , Aloofness , Sadness , Oppression , Menace , Withholding , Negativity

White: Sophistication,Clarity, Purity, Equality, Simplicity , Self-Sufficient, Distant , Isolation , Cautious , Critical , Emptiness , Sterility

The spiral into the void continued, as even my morals and values began to fade. I was tired of everything, but unable to notice it. Basically, entering a nearly permanent state of procrastination and only acting when instructed by another. The void seemed limitless with no way out...

There was actually a way out. Within the void, my nature was trying to find a way to escape through any means. I could stare at the night sky past midnight for extended periods just by plainly looking up at the stars, as my stargazing interest manifested months before. It gave me a sense of calm, which I never bothered with asking the reason.

That was the start of my rapidly building imagination, as I quickly developed escapism in this perspective. However, our local weather is usually overcast at night during the middle months of the year. With the sky denied, I drifted into online media with my lingering interests on the topic of dragons and wyverns. This brought me into fantasy, which built up like an addiction. This pushed over the tipping point to bypass my morals and rigidity, bringing back my self-awareness for the first time in years. It marked the start of the most intense mental struggle I had all time, which eventually led to the experiences written in the previous 4 parts in this series. It ended with the discovery of this personality fragment, manifesting as Me'Zelf.

Due to my scattered personality fragments leaving my true self nothing more than a blank shell, he took the initial role of representing my identity online. His initial / original design differed from the current presented form with this reason, mostly reflected in the facial features. "The eyes are the windows to the soul". I have recognised my complete personality by the time this story series was written, so that burden will be lifted in the near future with his true expressions surfacing. It's likely to have a proper appearance when I choose to update his reference by New Year 2022. I'm also expecting my art techniques to be better by that time.

BASIC FEATURES:

The complicated combination of this personality was reflected in this character manifestation. It was done truthfully by the movement of spirit (Me'Zelf himself). The colours just manifested naturally, without a given thought. The name was decided in less than 2 hrs to use it as a reminder of my identity, along with a twist of my creativity to produce the current name.

• Species as a Shapeshifter : creativity is limitless, with no true form. The physically presented form is influenced by mind that created the image, and the one that expressed it.

• Gender : personality wise is male, but anatomy wise, there is no gender. That is due to my realism, truthfulness, and self-awareness. There is no regard to anatomical gender for the public, because I have a strong sense of physical privacy...

• Wyvern form : the symbol for "wings of freedom", but with a price. The price was in the cost of proper forelimbs in exchange, earning a "handicap". But the acceptance of the form was also due to a complicated combination of adaptability, optimism, balance, generosity, and self-reliance.

• Skittish Temperament : the natural combination of introverted, distant, cautious, and self-reliant traits, complemented by secretive and containment ones. There's a soft and understanding nature behind, but it is just difficult to close the initial distance...

DETAILED FEATURES:

Note: facial features are bound to change in the future as I recover his form closer to his original state. Currently his facial expressions are influenced by the burden of carrying my personality as a primary presented image. Most of the facial features do not change.

• Short smooth horns : simplicity, and an indication of young but unknown age. Complements with the rest of the anatomy for a highly dynamic oriented build.

• Nocturnal eyes : my night-oriented nature that brings calm, spirituality, imagination. The fully non reflective eye shades represent my dislike of strong lights, distraction, and being the centre of attention. It also relates to my generally nocturnal activity.

• Face markings : these were actually shaped like tear marks, representing pain and sadness from the past.

• Short-ish tongue : conservative from affection through physical contact, only for those that are fully trusted. Hides a good palette for cuisine though.

• Neck frills : really long frills that work like earlobes, signifying high cognitive awareness. Really good for eavesdropping...

• Long snout : Occasional trouble of talking too much when excited. Needs of control.

• Single jutting tooth : gives a "toothy smile", a slightly awkward and goofy expression. My inability of pulling a proper smile.

• 5 digits on all limbs : the closest relation I could get is because the design was originally from a human? The number was solidified instantly on the wings, the hind paw design was a slightly later modification (only 2 days) just to give the ability of holding simple tools due to his desire in art.

• "Skin" scales : a highly sophisticated adaptation to get the best out of both skin and scales. They provide better protection than bare skin, but function like it too with increased benefits that contribute to adaptability (waterproofing, insulation, regeneration, immunity to high temperatures). Often overlooked, but incredibly well detailed with diverse functions.

• "Armor" scales : highly glossy textures of black that reflect light, a representation of high sophistication. In fact, they also represent my worries, reservation, and physical privacy. Initially started like a spiky monster, the coverage decreased steadily with these concerns lifted as the design neared completion.

• Chest plate : the most protected region that covers the vitals, with physical privacy to the most important parts. The last barrier to fully understanding someone, which no more than a few individuals counted by fingers on both my hands ever achieved.

• Sharp claws : the tendency to cause trouble even if by mistake, but also can be delicately used for the highest detail. A double-edged sword, needs control.

• Wing claws : well developed thumbs that can be used with great control, and both can be used together to grip objects. Represent adaptability with whatever is in store, regardless of a "handicap".

• Flexible stature : originally a combined designed derived from a bird, pterosaur, raptor, and dog. Adaptability combined with creativity and diversity, making full use of everything available to get the most benefit.

• Spines on back : disallows riding on back, also as a focus point for Shadow Bending. Signifies freedom of burden and awareness of even behind.

• Long tail : realistically providing support for the body stature, but not prehensile enough to grip objects tightly. It's a small reminder of risks in stirring up trouble if not keep in check.

• Tail fin : inspired slightly by a thresher shark's tail, but not as pronounced. The uneven distribution and different tips symbolise imperfection.

• Blood : his blood is silvery white. It signifies purity and innocence. It is very well concealed, as he rarely allows himself to take physical injuries long enough for this to be exposed.

SHADOW BENDING ABILITY

Signifies creativity and spirituality itself, the potential is limitless. It was the first colour to be recovered in my mindscape after the breakdown. Due to the conflict of opposing qualities represented by blue and red. It originates from the core of the physical form as a normal shadow, and focused on the extremities when conjured.

Due to the spiritual properties, the ability bends reality. It can be focused to alter tangibility or for propulsion, to aid the physique of the wielder. It bypasses realism, allowing Me'Zelf to accomplish realistically impossible physical feats. The trade-off is his lack of "magical" breath attacks, but this is over-compensated by the flexibility the ability's application and reality bending properties.

The shadow ability itself is nothing but black flames with a dark purple tinge, signifying the immense power but also potentially overwhelming arrogance and menace associated. Hence, he doesn't like to use it often in the presence of other individuals, trying to act as normal as possible. It's a reminder of controlling arrogance. He uses it without holding back in the mindscape though...

The weakness is light, or "the light of attention". It complements his skittish temperament, making him incredibly slippery to get a hold onto. If he was actually fully cornered and exposed, there is a fragile soul hiding away under all that nearly endless cover of escapism.

CONCLUSION...?

There isn't really a need to fully explain the underlying personality of this fragment, because the colours expressed on my character already exposed them all. This character represents a significant fragment of my personality, but the details won't be fully exposed here unless someone really tries to fully understand it as a genuine seeker. A genuine seeker will actively search the answers.

The colours expressed are:

• Dark Grey (traces of dark body tone under near or under scales)

• Grey (general body tone)

• Pale Grey (light body tone, soft body)

• Black (shadow, scales, snout tip, eye shades)

• White (teeth, claws, horns, blood)

• Amethyst Purple (tinges on shadow, frills, wing undersides, tail fin, tongue tip)

• Lime Green (eyes)

• Jade Green (eye pupils)

The importance of this character is, as my "spirit" or "imagination". He influences my creativity and imaginations, and supporting my constant seek for the truth and wisdom in life. If someone tries to abuse it, I will have no respect for that ignorant individual. I will deal with those cases appropriately within the rules of the art world and society. Respect for respect in return.

I don't earn money, power or recognition with the manifestation of my personality, so I don't have anything to lose. The individuals that commit these atrocious acts will always have a darkness within the depths of their heart in the form of guilt or fake self-esteem. They can hide the truth away, but it will always be there to haunt them in the form of unease until breaking forth when they aren't in control in their worst possible nightmares.

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The end of:

"BLEU" - Me'Zelf