Terminal Entry
Dear Diary.
You have no idea how my day was today. Of course, you don't know much of anything because you're an inanimate object. Still, even if you were alive, no matter who you were, you wouldn't know how I was feeling. It can't be put into words, though it's the most pain I've ever been in.
Remember Alex, my boyfriend? Of course you do. I talk about him each and every day. Looking back, I see how dreamy I was when I mentioned him. I was a fool, so focused on the moment I didn't think about the future. I didn't notice the obvious signs. I was worse than a fool.
Alex betrayed my trust. He betrayed every part of me, wholly and completely. I've never felt so full of hatred, of anger. I want him to die.
You must be getting confused, diary. Me driving myself into a rage without an explanation of any kind. You must forgive me, diary. I'll start from the beginning.
I went to Alex' house this morning, as I usually do. He didn't want to go out with me to the mall, or even to the park or elsewhere. He seemed plagued by my constant presence, he always has. I should have known. Still, I insisted I come inside and he let me. We watched TV together for a while, and talked a bit. Not about me, not about him. Insignificant things, trivial things, things that bore no importance on either of us. It's been like that a lot lately.
A commercial for a movie came up. I knew how he wanted to see that movie, and he even said so as we watched it. I asked him if he wanted to go see it with me tonight. I realize now he had no choice to say yes, but at the time it just made me happy that he wanted to spend time with me. The hockey game came back on and we sat together in silence.
I practically dragged Alex to the library this afternoon, looking for a few books I've been wanting. You know, better than anyone, I've always been something of a bookworm. This time around I wanted to read Dragonflight again, as well as A Modest Proposal. That's when I saw her...
She was reptilian. A lizard of some sort. Her body was dull grey-green and scaly. Her eyes were round, but her irises were orange and her pupils mere slits in the middle. She had no visible breasts, a quality typical to reptiles, and her wrists seemed to bend the wrong way. Even with all this, she had name-brand clothing of the most expensive kinds and that feminine charm. She was dazzling, beautiful.
Now, just to remind you, diary, I'm not ugly. I'm slim; I've got supple fat only where it counts. My hips are wide, my chest bounces, I have short hair... I'm the epitome of "pretty", and I know it.
Back to my story. I walked past the woman without saying anything. Alex, however, waved to her and she waved back. I turned to Alex once we had past and inquired further. I did NOT like the idea of Alex being acquainted with girls like that.
"What was that all about?" I had asked.
"Relax. I've never seen her before. Just a friendly gesture."
I was skeptical but I was quiet about it. We split off so he could find a few books of his own, I assumed. Of course it's rarely wise to assume, as I know now.
Alex had taken a seat at a chair opposite this reptile, who, even now, I don't know the name of. They were chatting together, each with a mug of coffee. I donned my hood and snuck in as best I could, sitting with my back to Alex almost directly behind him.
I have big ears, diary. Most foxes do. My parents do, my siblings do, Alex does... We foxes have big ears. And the basic function of these big ears is to hear. Let me tell you, I did not like what I heard then.
"What religion are you, may I ask?" Alex had said.
"Atheist..." The creature had something of a hiss to her voice. Not just the "s", but all letters hung over just a tad. I don't know what to call it.
"Me too!" Alex said, surprising me. "Hate those Christians and stuff always trying to impose their beliefs on you, you know? Fucking annoying."
"Yes. I agree." The reptile looked amused, if nothing else, at Alex's attitude.
I was Christian. I had imposed my beliefs on Alex before, and he had supposedly swayed. He'd come to my church with me, he had talked about his favorite passages of the bible, and he had seemed so honest, so sincere. I didn't know if I'd be more upset if he had been lying all that time or if he had been trying to impress that girl by agreeing with her. They talked about fifteen minutes, with me listening and getting angrier and angrier. Finally, he whispered something to her I couldn't hear, and stood up.
"I've got to find my girl, now. She's probably waiting for me somewhere. Haha, I can just imagine her tapping her foot, with her arms crossed, ready to blow up at me." I snuck off as he said this, hating my life. At the time I felt I was losing him, but I had one chance to win him back. The movie.
We went to the movie, afterwards, diary, and everything went to hell.
We found our seats, Alex and I. We sat together, enjoying the trailers together. He was in a good mood, and I thought we might have a chance after all. I realized how wrong I was quickly.
Fifteen minutes into the actual movie, Alex left. He told me he was getting popcorn, but no popcorn takes ten minutes to obtain, especially at a movie theater. I went to the snack bar, all the theaters, and even ducked into the men's bathroom for a second. He wasn't anywhere.
I ran out into the parking lot. His car was just pulling out of the space. He backed out, turned, and drove off, leaving me at the theater without a ride home. I have feet, however, and I ran after him as long as he was near a sidewalk. The traffic meant he was never out of my sight.
I had run about a half mile, following him to the best of my ability, as he drove on. I was exhausted but anger drove me beyond any desire to stop, furiously running. Finally, he pulled into a small... uh... I don't know the name of it, a little area where they have a bunch of small businesses and outlets in a little line. There was a cheap motel that he parked right outside.
Alex stepped out of his car. He walked up to the building and entered. All he had to do was go up to the guy at the counter and tell them who he was, and they gave him a key. He left, walked down the path, and stopped at room 15. He opened the door, stepped inside, and shut it behind him.
I spent the longest time wondering what to do, it seemed. It was probably only about ten minutes, but still... I felt, long before I saw, that I knew what he was doing.
I went up to the guy at the counter at the lobby, parting my hair and wishing my breasts were a little less pronounced. I put on my best impression of Alex and said I had locked myself out of my room, and needed a new key. I'm amazed, even now, that he fell for it.
I opened the door to room 15, stepping inside. Alex was lying on top of the reptile woman from earlier. He was screwing her... Like he screwed me.
"What is this!?" I think I screamed. The lizard turned to me, her eyes narrowing. Alex didn't miss a beat; he kept humping her as he had been.
"Oh. You. You must be the girlfriend, huh? Ex-girlfriend, now, I guess." He voice was so indifferent. I couldn't believe she was using such an indifferent voice to address me in such a situation. Hell, I'm surprised she couldn't keep the sex out of her voice. "Love your boyfriend." She said simply, reaching up to tussle his hair.
"ALEX! LOOK AT ME! WHO IS THIS!?" Alex didn't even turn to look at me. He just kept on going. I could hardly go up and pry him off. I swore a few times, drove myself into a rage, and ran out of the room crying.
I returned the key and walked home, feeling like a nothing. Even now, that I'm home, I feel like nothing. I thought it was love! He worked so hard to win my affection! He kissed me, he hugged me, he tended to me when I was sick... Alex showed me he cared for me, and then showed me he didn't. I don't know what to think. So many emotions going through my head I can barely write.
I loved Alex, and I cared deeply for him. But now, what? I gave him everything I could, and I'd do everything for him! And what did it all come to? He screwed me over. He took a beautiful reptile over true love.
I don't know who the reptile is but she's nothing. Scum. I don't know who Alex is either, anymore, but he's scum even more so. Thought he could play with my love, did he? Maybe he could...
Normally, diary, when I have a bad day I can just write in you and things will seem better. Today, I feel worse. I'm crying again, just from remembering. It was a mistake to know Alex. A mistake to care for him. A fatal mistake.
I'm taking my own life, diary. Tonight. My mind is made up. I'm going to press the family gun against the roof of my mouth and fire. In the tub, of course, so Mom doesn't have much to clean up. And maybe, diary, just this once, I'll leave you unlocked so people know why I did it. Ironic, diary, that on the first page I greeted you, and now I get to say goodbye.
So, goodbye, I guess. I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad. I love you, Alex, even now.