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The door opens. And Jonas walks in. "Claude, are you ready to face Rory?" he asks. "Jonas, we need to talk first" Dad tells him. And they walk off. I sit on the bed and I pull myself together. I go wash up at the little sink in the room. I am distressed at how disheveled I look, I try to groom myself a bit as I think things out. . I want Rory still. I want him as he promised me he'd be. Dominant but thinking of me, and what I need. And I know he told me I had to make him my first priority always. I should have insisted he make me his first priority as well. I'm not getting what I want, because I either don't know what I want or can't ask for it. I have to take some of the responsibility for that. I start thinking of what I want from my life and my relationship with Rory.

I want to still play. I want Rory to play too, but I make him first in my life over and above who I fuck, or even my friends. He has to make me that too. I will not be second to anyone or anything where my Polar Bear is concerned. I have the right to ask that, he asked it of me. And I know he's only Ursine, Hell so am I. But our biggest strength as a couple is how well we know each other, we know one another's pains and joys, and how we have been since we were both little cubs. And he forgot how damaged inside I am about some things. I do have the right to ask him to try not to forget. And I have to be sensitive to his needs as well. He needs to feel he's the Boss, and that I'll cater to him. I have and I will. But he needs to earn that devotion too. And he has the right to ask of me what he will, and we can work it out. Rory and I have always been able to talk about anything. Well, except when he first came back from Iraq.

I feel better. I know he loves me now. And I love him. I am as ready to face him as I can be. And then he walks into the room. And I am surprised that he is alone. He looks heartbroken. Rory's crying hard. I hug him and he sags onto me weeping harder. I hold him tightly. "Baby, I know, we both hurt badly, and I know you never meant to hurt me" I say softly. "Claude, I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear I didn't, I meant what I said when I held you down on the bed, and you came and needed me, and were so hurt and angry, and I didn't have a chance to tell you what happened and beg for your forgiveness" Rory says sobbing. "You ran, please, don't ever run again, I can't take it, I was terrified, we didn't know where you were, and I just knew I'd hurt you so badly you might never come home to me again" Rory says holding me tightly now. "I cried in relief when Dad told me Jonas called and you were OK, I wanted to see you, but they wouldn't let me come to you, Claude" he says shaking hard. "And then I heard Jonas tell Dad he thought you were suicidal" Rory says crying even more. "I was terrified, you did try it before, and I can't bear the thought of having hurt you so much, that you didn't want to live anymore, Baby" Rory says through his copious tears. "I was so scared that you'd try to kill yourself again, Baby Grizzly" Rory says crying harder.

"I know I can't lose you, Little Grizzly, I can't take not having you love me" Rory says holding me so tightly I'm afraid I'll break. "I was wrong" he says. "I pray you'll forgive me one day" Rory says hugging me. "I do forgive you, Rory, we both had a paw in this" I say softly.

"I want one question answered right here and now" I tell him firmly as I gently push him away from me.. Rory nods. "Why did you keep fucking those Otters, even after you knew I'd run, and then you fussed at Nigel when he went to talk to you?" I ask. Rory looks at the floor. "Did they mean more to you than I do?" I ask firmly. Rory looks at me. "I always put you first, if you'd of come in I'd of stopped fucking Miguel, and gone to you, and I have put you first, I've obeyed you, and I was proud to belong to my Polar Bear, yet I wasn't important enough for you to stop fucking them" I snarl. "It isn't that you were fucking them that bothered me, but that you put them over me, and I won't have that, if you are my first priority, then I have to be yours or we have nothing" I say sharply. "You have put me first in the short time we've been together, Baby Grizzly" Rory says softly. "It's not too much to ask of me, since I asked it of you, I will, I swear" Rory says hugging me.

"Claude, it's no real excuse, but they gave me some sort of pill, I think they called it Cialis, and my dick just wouldn't go down, I'd fuck one of them and cum and it wouldn't even sag" Rory says looking at the floor. "I kept fucking them in turns, and I only stopped hours later when my dick finally went down, I was too sore and spent to fuck you, and I'm so sorry" Rory says."You did what I asked you to do, you came to me when you needed me, and I let you down" he says sadly. "I lost track of how often I did cum" Rory says sadly. "I'd never experienced anything like that before, I kind of lost track of everything else, Claude" he says hanging his head.

"I'd of exploded at you if you ignored me for someone who was just a trick fucking you" Rory says. "I'd of tried to explain it if you hadn't of run from me in anger, but I can't blame you, if you'd of told me you were too sore to take me after you'd had Miguel all night I'd of been mad too" Rory says looking down at the floor again. "Rory, you didn't even answer me when I talked to you, when I got dressed in our room" I tell him. "I'm sorry, I thought I heard you talking though I didn't know what you said, and I have no excuse" he says very sadly.

"I know of that medicine, and I can write you scripts for it, and I'd love to have you take it and work me over good" I say quietly. "You really got mad because I had fucked so much and had nothing left for you?" Rory asks. And I can see he's getting it. "I don't care what you do, as long as you have enough to keep me happy, I felt alone and unloved, I know I could have gone to the others in the house, but I wanted you" I say softly. "If I had of fucked you when you asked me to you'd of been fine, and this wouldn't have happened" he says weeping again. "I know it was just as much my fault, Poppa Bear, I didn't want to seem jealous, you were right about that, and I couldn't ask anyone to help me, I wanted to let them have what I wanted so much, to be alone with their mates on their first night together" I say looking at the floor. "You ignored me, Rory, that's why I got mad, you ignored me for them" I say softly. "I get it, Claude" he says softly. "We both were wrong, Rory, we should have been together" I say softly.

"Claude, we should have spent the first night of our relationship alone together, you were right and I see that now, I missed you, and I needed to know you were around me , it should have been either just the two of us or us and Teddy" Rory says softly. "I think we should set one or two nights a week for playing with others together or apart, and spend the rest of the time together, maybe fucking family members at most." Rory says kissing me. "I can be OK with that, Rory, I just felt like you would rather have been with them and not me" I say softly. "Claude, I thought about it as I was coming here, and if you'd of done the same to me, and completely ignored me for Miguel, I'd of gotten seriously pissed off" Rory says. "Poppa Bear, we learn and we go forwards" I say. Rory's hugging me tightly. "I don't want to lose you either, Poppa Bear" I say very quietly.

"Poppa Bear, I do owe you an apology though" I say meekly. Rory looks at me."I owe you several, Little Grizzly" he says. "I'm sorry that my old pains caused us so much trouble" I tell him. "And I am also sorry that they caused me not to trust you, I only trust Dad more than I trust you, Rory" I tell him. "Thank you, Claude, that means a lot to me" Rory says hugging me tighter. "I am so sorry, I should have made sure you were OK when you told me you'd fixed up Miguel, and I should have made you listen before you ran, I had no excuse" he says softly. "But please, don't run anymore, stay and fight it out, or just talk to me, I beg you, Claude" Rory says nuzzling my face. "I'll try, Poppa Bear, I swear I will" I say earnestly. "Baby, I am sorry, I will make this up to you" he says. "You remember what we talked about when I was holding you down?" he asks. "I do, Poppa Bear" I say meekly. "Do you want me back?" Rory asks. "I do, can you forgive me, and let me come home to you?" I ask. "I want you, I can't be without you, and I'm sorry, I didn't put you first" Rory says kissing me.

Dad and Jonas come in. "Claude, we were listening, Rory begged for a chance to settle this with you alone, and you did well, you and I need to see each other twice a week for a while." Jonas says smiling. "Rory, you need to come with him at least twice a month, but when ever you can" Jonas adds. I nod. Dad hugs us both. "My boys worked this out" he says. "Claude, I will let you go home now" Jonas says. And he goes to discharge me. Dad's got some clothes for me to wear. "Don't worry boys, I've talked to the others in the house, and they all know about Claude's breakdown and damage from Marty, Nigel already knew, and they won't hold it against either of you" Dad says softly.

I dress. "Come home with me?" Rory asks. Jonas brings me four prescriptions. "Claude, I want you back on these for now, and I'm giving you your Valium back" he says smiling. I whisper to Jonas. He grins. And he gives me a general University Hospital prescription pad from his desk. I write for Rory for some Cialis. I hand it to him, and he laughs. I explain it to Dad. He cracks up. "Write one for me too" he says grinning. I do. I have to stop and get mine filled anyway.

We go to a local pharmacy and I get mine filled and Rory and Dad get their Cialis filled. "I'm keeping the office closed, our patients have all been rescheduled, and I know Emil can use the time off too" I tell Rory. He grins. "Dad, I want a few days off too, I want to take Claude and hole up somewhere nice for a few days" Rory tells Dad on the drive home. Dad's laughing. "Take your pills and fuck him til he can't walk, sounds like a good vacation, Son" Dad says. "I'll cover week after this one so you can take Harry somewhere and do it too" Rory says softly. Dad's laughing. "You love Papa Harry like Claude does" Dad says grinning.

We get home. Nigel's looking concerned. Angus and Miguel hug me tightly between them. "Come to us, always, no matter what, mi amo" Miguel begs me. "I'm sorry guys, I have a lot of trouble asking for what I need" I say quietly. Nigel snorts. Teddy hugs me. "Jesse, we're keeping the office closed, spend the time with your loving Grizzly" I say softly. Teddy hugs me. "We'll fuck and he'll come to the Bear Den with me" Teddy says smiling. Nigel still looks angry.

I grab his paw and pull him out to the smoking area outside. I could use a pipe load as it is. We light our pipes. And Nigel's silent. "You just outright forgave him didn't you?" he snorts. "No, we worked it out with Jonas' help" I say softly. "Rory got reminded by you and Takeru that he can't treat me like everyone else, due to my having been so badly broken by Marty" I say softly. "He knows now why I was so upset, and so do I" I say firmly. "He wants to be my first priority always, so I have to be his, and he's not going to put others before me, and I promised to try not to run anymore, and to work with Jonas to be able to ask for what I need, when I figure it out that is" I say softly. "I hope you'll help me do that, like you always have tried to" I say hugging him. "Then one thing remains to be answered" Nigel says softening his tone of voice. "Yes" I ask. "Why did he keep fucking those Otters?" Nigel asks. So I tell him about the effect the Cialis had on Rory. Nigel cracks up. "I'll have to write for some for Angus, he had no trouble getting up and staying up for me, but I'd love to ride that Bull for hours" Nigel says laughing.

Teddy comes out with a cigar in his paw. "What's this Rory was telling us about those pills?"he asks me. I explain what they are and how they work. "I'll write a script for you, Big Grizzly" I tell him. He laughs. "I did for Rory and Dad" I say smiling. "I'll write one for Angus" Nigel says. Rory comes out. Teddy looks at him. "Don't hurt him again, I care about you both, but you hurt him again like that, and I'll fucking break you in half, Rory" Teddy growls. Rory laughs. "I won't, I forgot a lot of things I shouldn't have, but I faced the possibility of losing him for good, and to know he was almost suicidal because of me, well, I am humbled that he forgave me, and we've worked it out, Big Grizzly" Rory says quietly. Nigel smiles. "I think someone is very penitent." Nigel says. "Nigel, I can't lose him, I won't lose him" Rory says firmly. "He'd die without you too, Rory, he wasn't suicidal because of what you did, he was suicidal because he thought he'd lost your love" Nigel says calmly relighting his pipe.

"Is that true?" Rory asks. "I was terrified that you didn't love me, I told Jonas I didn't think I wanted to live anymore if you didn't still love me, Rory." I say quietly. Teddy smiles. "You must have been hurt so badly by that asshole jock Lion" Teddy says.

"He tried twice to kill himself, he had been publicly humiliated and he lost his love, who was abusive and controlling to begin with" Rory says angrily. "He not only publicly broke up with Claude, he had Claude beaten up in public by some of his big jock Football players." Rory says. "No one did anything, they all got away with it" I moan. Nigel nods, he's heard that story and seen newspaper reports when he and I had to go back to Alabama once. "Claude had to fight to get back into Medical School, he ended up suing and they had to let him back in" Rory says sadly. "Dad pulled all of CMK donations to the U of A because of that" I say softly. "It's why I came out here to finish my training" I say quietly. "We all came with him, well, I was still in Iraq, but came out here since Dad moved the business and moved in with Claude" Rory says smiling.

Teddy looks thoughtful. "You knew all of this, Jim said you came back from Iraq on leave to help Claude, and you took him as your mate anyway?" Teddy asks Rory. "I did, he was a broken Grizzly through no fault of his own, just loving the wrong male" Rory says quietly. "You must really love him, Rory, to take all of that on" Teddy says, sounding very impressed with Rory. "I try to move forward, and not think of it, but Jonas thinks my taking Rory, and being loved finally made me dig up all of the shame, and pain, and it was more than my damaged sense of security could cope with" I say looking at the ground.

"Claude was like a complete different Grizzly after all of that, he was still loving and caring to us, but he can feel unloved and isolated so quickly, Teddy, it's one reason I brought him to the Bear Den, he was fucking a few guys, and working, and that was his life" Rory says. "He was lonely and he needed to make more good friends, he's a very social Grizzly at heart" Rory says stroking my muzzle. "And as much as Nigel loves him, and has done for him, Claude needs to have a lot of reinforcement that he's loved, and worthy of being loved, his ego was shattered badly, and I know now, despite how confident he seems, it still is majorly damaged" Rory says sadly. "I'm so sorry I didn't see that, my Little Grizzly" Rory says leaning over to kiss me. "I was waiting to see how well you had healed before I came to you, Claude" Rory says softly.

"It's true, I know Nigel has done more for me, and knows me better than anyone else." I say hugging him. "Claude, I knew some of the story when we met, but I had no idea how bad it was til we went back to Alabama for Grandpa Warren" Nigel says. "Damn, I guess I should call him" I moan. "No, Dad did, and he knows you're home and a bit better" Rory says. "I called Takeru and he's aware of what happened, though you know he'll call you tomorrow" Nigel says smiling.

Teddy kisses Rory and I, and leaves. Nigel goes to find Angus. "Claude, I'm glad you still love me so much" Rory says pulling me to him. "I do, and I'll try not to get out of hand again, Poppa Bear" I say snuggling into him. "In a way it's not so bad, we know now how much we mean to one another, you broke down thinking you'd lost me, and I was faced with losing you, and now know I can't live without you" Rory says nuzzling me. We sit and look at the stars. "How do you feel, Claude?" Rory asks. "I feel like singing" I say laughing and I run inside with Rory hot on my heels. I sit at the piano and Rory gets his drums tuned up.

I play and sing. "It's Gonna Take Some Time This Time". And Rory smiles at me. "I Won't Last a Day Without" pours out of me next. Angus is sitting on the couch listening with rapt attention. "Your voice is so beautiful, Claude" Angus says. Rory nods. "He sings so well" Dad says smiling sitting down next to Angus with Harry on his arm. I look at Rory and I smile softly.

And I sing "I'll Meet You Halfway" and he tears up a bit. Nigel and Miguel come out with Jesse and Teddy right behind them. Mike sits down on the floor in front of the couch. Miguel leans down and puts his arms around Mike's neck. I do "Blue Clear Sky" next. Rory smiles. "I Don't Wanna Live Without You" comes out and Rory and I both tear up. We came way too close to finding out that we couldn't. I sing "No One In The World" and Rory smiles at me.

I think of a song, and I have to laugh, and I play "Bad Day" and Dad cracks up. "Hell of a bad day, Boy" he says laughing. "Claude, do...." and Nigel's whispering in my ear. And I sing "I Swear" and my guys tear up. Nigel helps me on the chorus. And I see Angus really tearing up now. I whisper to Nigel. And we launch into "Finish What We Started". And Rory's crying hard now. But then again so am I. I love that song. I think it's the best I've ever written. When we're done. I get up, and kiss Dad. I do feel better, I need to remember to work on my music and sing more. It's a good safety valve for my feelings. Miguel hugs me. "Mi amo, please come to the family that loves you when you need us" he says quietly. "I know you love me, Miguel, I know all of my family loves me" I say smiling. "I'm sorry, Miguel, I must have hurt you too when I went off" I say softly. "I am just glad you are better now, mi amo" he says softly.

I walk out to the kitchen and get a Diet Pepsi. Alfred walks up and hugs me tightly. And he weeps on my chest. "It was almost worth all of this, just to see my beloved Fox break his English reserve" I say stroking his hair. "Claude, I'm glad you're alright, I'd never recover if you were gone from us like that, I almost died when you...well....you know" he says. "Actually, I don't know" I tell him. "I split it off" I tell him. And Alfred sits me down and tells me the whole story. I am stunned.

Poor Alfred found me both times, after the pill overdose, and me cutting my wrists. I hug him tightly. "I'm sorry, my Fox father, I"d never mean to hurt you like that" I say sadly. "Your pain was so great, Claude, you were shattered, and it almost killed Jim and Harry, and Rory, and your Grandpa Warren was inconsolable, he would not leave your side for a long time" Alfred says quietly. "Why did no one ever tell me?" I ask. "We had no idea you didn't know, and just didn't want to remind you" Alfred says softly.

But I do remember now. Or at least one of them anyway. And I feel the pain and despair from then. And I know I was convinced my life was over and there was nothing for me to do but end it all. And I remember laying in my bathtub that was filling up with my blood, and seeing Alfred's terrified face and Dad's ashen face behind him. And hearing that same scream that I remembered in Jonas' office. And then passing out. I remember nothing more for a long time, and then I remember coming to weeks later in a hospital. I hug Alfred tightly. "I'm so sorry" I say crying on his shoulder. "You remember, Master Claude?" he asks. "I remember cutting my wrists, and feeling the pain of it, and seeing the bathtub fill with my blood and seeing the pain and agony on you and Dad's faces" I say feeling shame. I cry a bit.

Rory walks in. He runs to me and hugs me. "What's wrong, Baby" he says sounding scared. "He's remembered one of the suicide attempts, Master Rory" Alfred says. "Oh God" Rory moans. "We need to take you back, Claude" he says scared as hell. "No, I'm OK, I am sad, but I feel a release from the pain, you can't split off something like that without it coming out in other ways" I say hugging Rory tightly. "I mostly remember how bad I hurt Dad and Alfred" I tell him. "And you too, Rory, Teddy was right, it was a wonderful thing that you loved me and took me knowing full well how damaged I am" I say quietly. And I kiss him hard. Rory's teared up. "I did it because I love you so much, Claude" he says quietly.

I do feel better oddly enough. Rory's worried still. "Don't let him leave, Alfred" Rory says and he walks off. I know he's going to get Dad. "Alfred, seeing how much I hurt you and Dad, makes me realize I can't ever even think about doing that again, I'd be dead but I would hurt so many that did nothing worse than to love me" I say hugging him. "Quite right, Master Claude" he says. "I had nightmares about finding you like that for years, Claude" Alfred says. "I'm so sorry" I say hugging him tightly.

"Claude, no one has ever said much to you about it, but your poor mother had some of the same emotional problems you do, she was raped right before she married Jim, and it affected her, and she'd have trouble letting Jim close to her at times" Alfred says softly. I'm stunned. But I know Alfred had a reason for telling me, like he did with the suicide attempts. Surprisingly it makes me feel better quite a bit. I wish I had of known that I got my emotional fragility from Mom. I might have done a lot of things differently if I had of known.

And I know I'm finally starting to heal from the damage Marty left me with. It'll take a long time to heal completely, but I have to get better, I can see how much it upsets my Rory when I act the pains out. Dad's looking a bit worried. Rory's scared. I hug him. "I'm fine, Dad, I saw how badly I hurt you and Alfred, and it made me realize I could not do that again, I could not hurt those who love me so much like that ever again." I tell him. "Claude, I wanted to die seeing you like that, my baby cub, laying in a tub full of his own blood, and he had done it to himself" Dad says tearing up. "I'm sorry, Dad, but I swear I will never even remotely consider anything like that again." I say. "I'll go see Jonas like I should and we'll all get over this" I say hugging Dad. "I have way too much to live for" I say smiling.

Rory looks relieved. Dad's crying softly. Harry hugs me from behind. "They did almost lose you, Claude, you were dead for two minutes" Harry says weeping on my shoulder. Dad's crying harder now. "Walt refused to leave you, he stayed at your bedside for a couple of weeks while you were unconscious, Claude" Dad says. "But no one told me" I say softly. "We thought you knew but just didn't want to talk about it" Dad says softly. "Dad, I'm so sorry I put y'all through that" I say softly. Dad hugs me again.

Things are getting way too serious now. I feel better than I have in ages. And I took the pills Jonas gave me when I got home, but not all of them would kick in right away. I know though that I have always done well on Valium. Still, I know what we need to do. I hug Rory. "Big Bear, lets run away for a few days. we don't have to go far, we could even just get a fancy Hotel room here somewhere" I whisper to him. "We can wipe away the bad memories of this weekend for good, Poppa Bear" I tell him. Rory's smiling deeply. "Can we take our leathers and the pills you got me?" Rory asks with a bit of an evil grin. "I'd hope so, I need you in me, rather badly, Poppa Bear" I whisper in his ear, and then I lick it. Rory moans. Dad's smiling. "I've got a serious deficiency of Polar Bear cum in my system" I tease him. "Don't know how much my balls have built back up, but lets go see" Rory says grinning. I nod.

"We're going to go hole up at the Clarion, and rebond and put this awfulness behind us, Dad" I say smiling. Dad smiles. "Call me when you check in and let me know what room, and I'll call periodically, and I'll expect you to either answer or call me back quickly, we are not going to have to worry about how you're doing, Claude" Dad says firmly. "Yes Sir" I say meekly. Rory laughs. "He'll be that way for me one day, he rarely argues with his beloved Lion Dad" Rory says hugging Dad. Dad's grinning. "I'm gonna try one of those pills tonight, I haven't told Harry about them, and I hope to really surprise him" Dad whispers to Rory. Rory cracks up. Rory runs to pack.

And I go tell Nigel. He and Angus are curled up watching TV in their room. I quickly explain where we're going and why. "You look better, Claude, and a lot happier to boot" Nigel says grinning. "I do feel better" I say hugging Nigel. "Thanks by the way, I don't want to think how things might of gone without my best friend" I say hugging him tightly and kissing him. "Damn that's hot" Angus grunts. I hand Nigel a Cialis and tell him what's it is. "You do love me, Grizzly Boy" Nigel says laughing. "Looks like I'm going to have a fun night too" Nigel says. "I'll explain it to Angus and we'll see how it works" Nigel says kissing his Big Bull.

Angus looks so happy. I hug our Scots Bull. "I'm so glad you're so happy, Angus, and I'm so happy to have you here with us" I say stroking him between his horns. He moos, and looks embarrassed. "Don't worry, sexy Bull, Nige and I both took Bovine anatomy, we know what it means, and I love you too, Angus" I say kissing him. Angus grins. He's looking at Nigel with so much love. Nigel might not need the Cialis at all. Angus is a horny Bull at the very minimum. I kiss them both and run to our room. I start packing. Rory's so happy too. And I hug and kiss him when I'm done packing. I put together a small kit bag with my pills and mine and Rory's grooming supplies and I make sure his Cialis is in it too.

We go and we kiss Dad and Harry. "We've both got our cell phones Dad" I tell him. And I call and make reservations for a penthouse suite at the Downtown Clarion and Rory and I set off for there.

It'll be a great few days. And after the last few days we need it.