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My cell chirps. I have a text message. "Claude, you should come home" it says. It's from Nigel. "I'm surprised that anyone has even noticed or cared that I'm gone?" I text back and I turn it off.

I'm angry, but I know I'm still too emotional, Takeru's right I need to calm down and then talk this out with my Polar Bear. I sit a while and drink coffee. And I try to calm myself down. I am embarrassed by my own reaction. I'm not jealous, I have never been jealous before. And I know in my heart it wasn't that Rory was fucking those two Otters. It was that he was totally ignoring me for them. And I know if he'd of come in while I was fucking Miguel that I would have acknowledged him and asked him to stay with us at the very least.

I had the crazy notion that we should have been together on our first night as a couple. And it's just as much my fault for taking Miguel home and telling Rory to go play. I don't regret Miguel at all. I loved his fucking and I'm glad I set him up with Mike. And I remember Rory telling me he wanted to spend all day Sunday curled up with me. Just the two of us. But it doesn't comfort me anymore. I can't quite understand why I'm reacting so strongly to all of this. I wouldn't have kept fucking Miguel without acknowledging my Rory. I'd of stopped and we'd of at least asked him to watch if not join us. He didn't even ask me to stay and watch or even talk after he told me they'd come here because the Otter's roommate was being a pain.

What the Hell is wrong with me? As usual I didn't know what I wanted, nor am I sure what it was I did want. I hate sleeping alone, even though I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. We have extra rooms I could have gone and slept in. Is it like Takeru said, everyone else was fucking and I was the odd animal out? Am I that sensitive now? I'm lost in thought. And I am so angry that Marty keeps popping up in my mind.

"Little Grizzly, what's wrong?" I hear. I turn towards the voice. Angus? "Nigel said you'd be here, and he asked me to come talk to you, Claude" Angus says quietly. "I'll be OK" I say sadly. "No, babe, something upset you last night, and we're gonna help you, Nigel got a call from some Japanese guy, and they talked a while, and Nigel asked me to come find you, and he went to talk to Rory" Angus says. "Why did Rory come home anyway?" Angus asks. "He said that the Otters' roommate was being a pain, so he brought them back here" I tell him. "But he knew you were supposed to be fucking Miguel, that seems odd, Claude, and he went right to your bedroom according to Alfred, what did he think he'd do ?" Angus muses.

"Claude, Nigel thinks it was because you were left to be alone when all of us were fucking" Angus says taking my paw in his hand. "Why didn't you come to us, we both love you, we'd of taken you in and comforted you?" Angus asks. "Angus, I couldn't, you and Nigel and Teddy and Jesse, and Miguel and Mike, you were all on your first night as couples, I couldn't impose" I say softly.

"I know you're not jealous, Claude, but I don't understand why Rory did what he did," Angus says softly. "Did he think he'd interrupt you and Miguel" he asks. "He has the right to play, and I do too" I say looking at the floor. "But he knew you were alone, I'm sure you told him about Miguel's bonding Mike" Angus says softly. "He did what I told him he could do" I say trying not to cry. "Did he even speak to you when you went in?" Angus asks. "He just told me they'd come here because of the Otters' roommate being a pain" I say. "And then they went back to their fucking" I tell him. "He wouldn't even look at me, Angus" I say fighting tears.

"He wasn't being very sensitive to his mate, and I assume he didn't ask you to stay and at least watch?" Angus asks quietly. "Or did he at least tell you to come to me and Nigel or your Dad and his mate?" Angus asks. I nod no. And I break down and cry. "I don't have the right to tell him not to fuck others, or even to have asked him to stay with me, I told him he could go home and fuck that one Otter" I tell Angus through my tears. Angus strokes my muzzle. "Yes, you did, you had the right to tell him you needed him, Nigel thinks you didn't even know how much you needed him until you cried in the hot tub, Alfred told us he saw you sit and soak and cry for a long time" Angus says quietly. I nod.. "Claude, maybe he brought them home because he missed you" Angus says. "Strange that he didn't even notice me in the room, then" I snort. And Angus doesn't look happy now. I hear him muttering, he doesn't know of my sensitive hearing I know. "He had to know you were hurting and alone." he growls to himself.

Angus' cell phone rings. And he's talking to Nigel. I feel crappier. I had to drag them into this. I can hear Rory yelling in the back ground. He's not happy. "He's got his phone off, he always does that when he's hiding," I hear Rory holler. He's right, he does know me. I'd call Grandpa but I'd need to turn my phone back on to do it. Not even remotely gonna do it.

I get up and I kiss Angus' head and I go and pay the check. And I'm going to my car. "Going home, Little Grizzly?" Angus asks. "No, I have no idea where I'm going but I'm not going home." I tell him. I hug him and I cry on his big shoulder. "Thank you for coming to me, Angus" I say softly.

"Claude, Rory's mad because you're running from him, and won't come home, he's being a bit of an asshole now" Angus says. "He went off on Nigel for coming to talk to him, and interrupting his fucking, so I'm not happy with him either right now, Claude" Angus says. "Can this get any worse, I don't know why I felt so bad, nor do I know what I'm feeling now, Angus" I say softly.

"Don't run, I don't think you should go home to Rory, but go home, don't run away, Claude, we love you, so many of us love you, don't come home because Rory's demanding it, but come home to the family you built who love you" Angus says stroking the side of my face. "You should have come to us" Angus says. "Any of us would have taken you to us for the night, even just to thank you for what you've done" Angus says. "Nigel says you get to feeling unloved and isolated very quickly and I can see it" Angus says.

I nod. And I get in my car and I follow Angus home. I park and go in. I go in to Dad's study. He looks up at me. "Takeru called me, Claude, that Spectacled Bear is very worried for you, I know he talked to Nigel" Dad says softly. "I should ask you why you didn't come to me and Harry, but I know my boy, you knew we were playing with Jeremy, and you probably were too embarrassed to admit, even to yourself how needy you felt" Dad says softly. I nod. "Angus fussed at me for not coming to him and Nigel, and I know Miguel and Mike would have welcomed me as would Teddy and Jesse" I say softly.

"Claude, it's a big weakness of yours, you feel alone, and you quickly feel isolated and abandoned, it's been really bad since Marty wrecked your life" Dad says. "I think you need to go back to that Psychiatrist, Dr White" he says. I nod. "I'll call next week, Dad" I say softly. "Claude, I don't like bringing this up, but Marty torpedoed your self esteem and your sense of security, now you've got Rory and it's easy for me to see how it flared up" Dad says. "He came home, and played, knowing you'd sacrificed your time with Miguel to get him Mike" Dad says. "And he left you alone, and didn't even make sure you were not hurting, he knows better, Boy, he came home from Iraq, and helped us put you back together" Dad says softly. I nod. I hate knowing I have Demons that recur. But when I don't remember and cope, they come back and bite me in the ass. And I kind of feel a lot of teeth marks on my ass right now.

There's a knock at the door. I pray it's not Rory, I couldn't cope yet. It's Teddy. He hugs me. "My poor Little Grizzly" he says hugging me. "I'd ask why you didn't come to me and Jesse, but I've been told about what happened to you back in Alabama, and I think I know why you couldn't" he says hugging me tightly. "We're here for you always, Claude, Miguel and Angus and I would do anything for you, just like your Dad would" Teddy says stroking my muzzle. Dad smiles. "He's still pretty raw emotionally, he gets triggered by certain things, and Rory knows what they are, he had to know better" Dad says sounding a bit gruff. "Claude, I was OK with you two bonding because I know how badly you got hurt, and I know Rory knew, and I figured he'd know how to help you, or keep you from being triggered again, but I guess I was wrong" Dad says sadly.

"Claude, he's hurting too, Nigel and that Takeru guy took him to task pretty badly" Teddy says. "He's sorry, but he's afraid to ask for your forgiveness, Claude, you both need to talk when you can" Teddy says. Dad smiles. "Onii-Chan can be pretty fierce when it comes to our Boy, he's been like a second Daddy to Claude almost since he was born" Dad says smiling. "Papa-San loves me for sure, Dad" I say softly. Dad quickly explains to Teddy who Takeru is and our history. Teddy's smiling. "Your Dad, your Grandpa, this Takeru, no wonder you're such a good Daddy's boy, Claude" Teddy says kissing me. Dad laughs. "Son, you need to go talk to Rory, I know you're still raw inside, but you two need to get this behind you" Dad says quietly. "Daddy, I can't face him yet, I'm too raw still" I say trying not to cry again.

Dad puts his paw on my shoulder. "Claude, I know you, you felt bad and needy but you kept telling yourself that you shouldn't feel this way, and you had told him to play, and you probably felt ashamed at even remotely seeming jealous, and you couldn't even think about what you wanted or needed" Dad says. "As much as you resemble Grandpa Warren, you're so much like your Mother inside, she couldn't either" Dad says. "Always the giving and loving mate, Rory will have to learn to cope with that too, you give and give and give even though you will hurt inside, and feel empty, you keep giving, and then it blows up in your face and you'll do something horribly self destructive, you come by it honestly, Martha was that way too" Dad says softly. "You needed Rory so badly, but instead of asking for his help, or for help anyone in this house would have given you, instead you denied yourself what you needed most, granted you thought you had a reason, but they'd not have cared" Dad says. "We wouldn't have cared, Claude, we'd of loved to have you with us"Teddy says softly.

"You further punished yourself by running, you went to that diner, but you went away from those who love you most, you just had to hurt yourself more, Little Grizzly" Dad says softly. "I know you, and only Angus or Teddy could have got you to come home, you know without a doubt that they care for you, and you trust them" Dad says quietly. "He does?" Teddy asks. "He does, he knows you care, and he respects you, Teddy" Dad says smiling. Teddy nuzzles me.

"Go talk to Rory" Dad says. I kiss him. And I go to our room reluctantly. I"m still way too raw for this. Rory's sitting on the edge of the bed, with his muzzle in his paws. He's been crying. I sit on the other side of the bed also on the edge. We sit there for a long time, Unable to talk to each other or look at each other even.

I finally break. I throw myself on his leg and I whine and cry. "I'm such an unholy mess of a Grizzly, I'm so sorry Rory" I say breaking down. "Claude, I'm so sorry, I know you can't help it, you were so broken by that bastard Lion" Rory says holding my head to his chest tightly. "I should have stopped what we were doing, or at least asked you to stay, would you have stayed and been OK with me fucking them" Rory says. I nod. "I wasn't upset by your fucking those Otters, but I was surprised you brought them right here, you knew Miguel and I were supposed to be fucking" I say softly. "Little Grizzly, I missed you so much, I wanted to fuck them, but I missed you so, and I wanted to watch Miguel fuck you too" Rory says kissing me.

"If you missed me, then why didn't you ask me to stay or tell me that you missed me when I came in?" I ask. "I don't know, I didn't think of it, I did miss you Claude, it's why I came home, but being here and knowing you were here made it ease a lot" Rory says sadly. I look at the floor.

"You wouldn't even look at me, Rory, or answer me when I spoke to you" I say crying again. "Claude, you're embarrassed by still being raw about these things, don't, please, you just make it worse, you probably were embarrassed in the tub, it's why you wouldn't go to those you knew would love you enough to help you, and you couldn't come to me, you'd be afraid of being thought jealous" Rory says stroking my muzzle. I nod. And I cry harder. "You wouldn't even look at me, Rory, once you told me why you'd brought them home, and I'd told you Miguel got mated, you went back to your fucking like I wasn't even there" I say feeling raw inside. Rory looks ashamed, but he says nothing for long moments.

"If I ever get my paws on that rat bastard, Marty Collins, I'll kill him" Rory growls. "He almost cost us you, Claude, I know you don't remember but you tried twice to kill yourself, Little Grizzly" Rory says kissing me. "I did" I say softly. "I don't remember it at all" I say sadly. "Dr Wallace said you split it off" Rory says quietly. I know from the concept of splitting. And I'm more embarrassed now that I know I probably did try to kill myself. I cry harder. For the moment I've forgotten how angry I am at his having ignored me. Rory holds me to him and he kisses me gently. Rory picks me up and puts me in his lap. And he rocks me like Dad used to. I calm down quickly. "I'm glad to see you'll let me comfort you, you used to fight us when we tried" Rory says petting my head. "I love you, Rory, and I'm sorry I'm such a messed up Bear" I say quietly.

"Claude, you need to remember something always" Rory says firmly. "I remember it all, I knew how you got damaged, I was there, and I know how hard you fight it day to day, I knew all of that, and I still wanted you, I love you, and I'll do what I can to help you, now that you'll let me, you really do love me" Rory says quietly. I put my arms around his neck, and try to stop crying. "Nigel knows too, Dad talked to him about it all, a while back, he knows you so well, and he's been trying to help" Rory says stroking my back. "He knew you were mad at me deep inside, and even though you and I needed to talk, Nigel sent Angus to get you, he knew you two care for each other, and you'd listen to Angus" Rory says. "He'd of sent Teddy but Teddy wasn't awake yet" Rory says soothingly.

"Takeru knew too, he chided me for not remembering any of it, and that it would set you off" Rory says. "He's not mad at me, he just needed me to know how badly I had failed you, Claude" Rory says. "You didn't fail me" I say. "I'm just too flawed inside" I say softly. "Claude, you'll never be totally healed from this, I made it worse, I came home with those guys, I was here, and it was our first night together, I'm sure you didn't go to the others, because they were on their first night too, and it just reminded you of how much you needed me, and I wasn't there for you" Rory says stroking my muzzle. "It was a bad situation, we should have spent our first night together or just you and me and Teddy" Rory says. "But I wouldn't have been able to set them up" I moan.

"Claude, damn it, that's what I mean, you did good for them, but it was at the expense of your own feelings, you can't see that, you never can" Rory says calmly. "God, you're so much like Aunt Martha at times" Rory says sounding annoyed. I glare at him. "Claude, ask Dad, she couldn't ask for what she needed either, she'd do for those she loved until she just couldn't anymore, and then she'd hurt and break down." Rory says. I cry. "My mom loved us all, I am just like her," I snarl. "I'm proud of being like my Momma" I snap, baring my teeth.

I want to run again. And I start to get up. Rory grabs me and holds on to me tightly. "You will not run from me anymore, Claude" Rory growls. He rolls me over onto my back on the bed. And he holds my arms above my head, but presses them down onto the bed. "Stop this, Little Grizzly" Rory growls. "Poppa Bear demands you stop this, you will not run from me anymore, I'll fight anything, including you, to help my baby" he growls gruffly. I relax. He's not going to let go of me. And he's firm about this. he means what he's said. He loves me and he accepts how damaged I am. I cry, but it's not from sadness.

Rory leans down and kisses me. "I do love you , Claude, I know I wasn't as sensitive to you as I should have been, but I love you, and we'll get past this" Rory says. "I'm so sorry, Poppa Bear, I'll try to not run from you, I forget how well you do know me" I say softly. "I do, Claude, I forgot some very important things, and I too will try to keep it in mind how you get triggered" he says softly. "I swore I'd keep you and your needs in mind always, Baby Grizzly" Rory says soothingly. "I know how badly I let my Little Grizzly down" Rory says sadly. (My mind has blanked out how mad I was that he ignored me and I'm calming down.)

"We should have stayed together, even if we were going to fuck others, I did miss you, I could have fucked them while you fucked Miguel, I know you had to enjoy him" Rory says smiling. "I did, and it made me realize who'd be perfect for him" I say gently. Rory grins. "So you, you had fun with him, and you wanted him loved, and wanted, Claude, you know you're mine, and you knew you could have loved him, if life was meant that way, you cared enough to want him bonded" Rory says. "You do know me" I say laughing. "I do, Little Grizzly, just like you know me, you did let me play, and you were so determined to not mess things up, but you only hurt yourself more" Rory says quietly.

"Claude, we move on, I should have kept you with me, even fucking others, especially on our first night together, we'll still play, and I don't think you'll have this problem again with me now" Rory says quietly. "Our first night only comes once, and I swear I'll make it up to my Little Grizzly" Rory says. I feel like he punched me in the gut by saying that. But still I say nothing.

"Just one last thing you need to know, Claude" Rory says firmly. "If you need me, no matter why, or no matter what I may be doing, come to me, let me know you need me somehow, and I swear to you, I'll make sure you know how much I love you" he says emphatically. "I know how hard it is for you, it's not your fault, Baby Grizzly, but please, for me, try" Rory says. I kiss him. "I will try, Rory, I will" I say quietly. "That's all I can ask" he says. "You can't help it, Claude" Rory says. "Do you still love your Poppa Bear?" Rory asks. "I do" I say kissing him. (I love him so much I've already forgiven him for the moment, but it'll quickly flare up and be worse because we didn't really work it out, he wouldn't address having ignored me.)

He lets me up. I sit up on the bed. Rory sits by me. "We go on from here?" I ask. "We do, I will make it up to you, Claude, and I know you love me, you hurt so last night because you do, and you came home, and you came to me" he says. "Dad told me to" I say softly. "I can't take credit for it" I say softly. Rory laughs. "You always did listen to Dad" he says happily. "He was right, you should always come to me, you'll learn soon, I love you, and you love me, we know each other better than almost anyone else" Rory says. I nod. Rory kisses me, and he gets up and goes to shower. I still feel raw. I hurt inside. But I have hope now. But I still feel alone in some strange way. And I can still hear some nagging questions in the back of my head. But I try to ignore them and move on.

I go down the hall and I sit in the living room. Nigel sits down by me. "I thought you two would be making up" he says quietly. "Thanks for sending Angus, he was able to get through to me" I tell Nigel, not wanting to think about why we didn't have make up sex.. (In my heart though, I know why.) "Did Rory fuck you?" Nigel asks bluntly. "No" I say quietly. "Hmmm" Nigel says looking at me oddly. "What Hmmm?" I ask gruffly. "He's probably worn out, he didn't even want to stop fucking them for me to talk to him" Nigel snorts. "He yelled at me to mind my own business, and let him fuck." Nigel says angrily. I feel so frustrated. I did need him. I had hoped we'd have make up sex. But I don't know what to think now. And I keep flashing on Marty, and I feel totally unloved. Rory didn't care enough to want to stop fucking long enough to make sure I was OK. He didn't stop to make sure I was OK when he knew I was alone last night either. He doesn't care if it gets in the way of what he wants to do. And I am furious suddenly without quite understanding why. And he ignored me. The one thing I can't get past or forgive him for.

I stomp out of the room. And I go into our bedroom. Rory's drying off. "Fuck me?" I ask. Rory looks sad now. "I need you, Rory, please, you said you'd help me if I came to you" I beg softly. Rory looks horribly embarrassed now. "Claude, please, can't this wait for a while?" he asks. "I knew it" I snarl "Say anything to get me to calm down, but you don't really love me" I snarl louder. And I turn and leave quickly. I run to my car and I drive off again. I had turned my cell back on when I got home. It chirps at me. Text message. "Claude, I do love you, please come home, baby, talk to me" it says. And it's from Rory. I turn my phone off. I know I'm breaking down now, I can't cope and I need Jonas or God only knows what I might do. I can feel my self control is almost gone. And I'm scared now. If I split off suicide attempts in the past I might just do it again.

I go to a pay phone, and I call Dr White, and I beg him to see me. I tell him I can feel my self control slipping and I'm afraid for myself, or for what I might do now. "I"m not really loved by him, and I can't live knowing that" I whine. He tells me to meet him at his office in an hour, and to go to the Hospital ER if I can't hang on that long.. I drive to his office building, and I wait.

I sit in my car and I cry. I don't know why I feel so lost. I feel unwanted and lied to by the one I always thought I could trust. He fucked them to the point he couldn't fuck anymore. And he didn't want to tell me. And he didn't care about me, not even enough to worry, even though he knew I'd run off. He wouldn't even talk to me, or even let me know he knew I was there. I want to just go and die now.

He said to come to him and he'd make sure I knew I was loved. "Can't it wait for a while?" keeps ringing through my mind. If he'd of told me the truth, and held me, I'd of still been comforted. I feel hurt, and angry, and horribly betrayed now. "Nothing left to live for" keeps spiraling through my brain. "Do it, no one will care that you're gone anyway" I hear in the back of my head. And I'm really, really scared, in fact, I can never remember being this terrified before. My brain is telling me to kill myself. And I'm trying hard not to listen, but wonder how long I can keep from obeying it. And for some reason in my head I hear an agonized scream and it's Alfred's voice. I'm really scared, and I pray Jonas hurries while I can still resist that voice in my head.

Dr White drives into the lot, and he goes to his office. I run after him. Dr Jonas White is a big St Bernard, he's sexy and he's very English and very professional. He lets me into his office. I lay on his big couch and I cry. And it all comes spilling out of me. I spend a long time sobbing and telling Jonas what happened. He's looking more and more worried as I go on.

"Claude, you should be a bit upset, I understand how and why you reacted as you did, and Rory tried to calm you down, but he should have told you he'd worn himself out sexually." he says. "Nigel told me, he was still fucking them when he went to talk to him, he knew I'd left, he knew I was upset enough to run, and still he kept fucking those Otters" I say crying hysterically. "Jonas, I don't think I want to live anymore, my mate doesn't want me and I'm unloved again" I wail. "Claude, you're not going home, I'm too afraid for you, you're in the middle of another breakdown, and definitely suicidal, and I'm going to call Jim and put you inpatient for a while" Jonas says fighting tears himself. I nod. And I can't stop crying. Jonas does care about me. He put me back together when Marty broke me, and Dad brought us to California.. He was so kind and caring, and he's got a big heart. He's afraid for me now, and that scares me even more. But I feel safe with him, I know he'll not let me do anything bad to myself. I am almost relaxing.

I can hear Jonas on the phone with Dad, and Jonas sounds really worried for me. "No, don't bring him, he's why Claude's breaking down now, he's lost Claude's trust, as he wasn't honest with Claude, and he didn't comfort him as he swore he would, so he'll only upset Claude more, my advice is to have him get therapy" Jonas says. "He needs some help understanding what Claude needs, before I'll let Claude come home to him, Jim" Jonas says. "I won't let Claude go back home while things are the way they are now, I won't take a risk on what Claude might do, and we don't want to lose him, Jim." Jonas says softly. "Claude is a potential danger to himself, he's hanging on only by the skin of his claws, Jim" Jonas says. "Thank God he still trusts me, and stayed together long enough to come to me" Jonas says softly. "It would have killed Alfred to find him that way again" Jonas says quietly. I'm puzzled as Hell by that comment. "Rory should have known better than to treat Claude as he did, he was here when we pieced poor Claude back together" Jonas says contemptuously. And he hangs up with Dad.

And he helps me up, and he puts me in his car and we drive to the University Hospital. Jonas takes me up to the 5th floor, the inpatient Psych unit. And checks me in. I am too raw to do or say much and I just sit and watch TV for a long time. I'm silently crying all of the time too. I take the meds they hand me and I just sit and veg out. There is a big Bull orderly with me all of the time, so I know I'm on suicide watch. I'm numb inside and have pretty much shut down. Yet, I cannot stop the tears sliding down my cheeks. I know I'm totaled inside, the orderly is one hot and sexy Bull, exactly my type, and I'm completely oblivious to it. About ten PM I go to bed and I cry myself to sleep. The big Bull just watches me silently, but he'll get tears in his eyes at times too. I wonder how much about me he knows. I can see it in his eyes how shattered I am, and he's feeling sorry for me at the bare minimum.

I get woken up at 7AM. I'm not happy, I would rather have just slept all day. Anything to make the pain stop for just a bit. They give me more pills and I get told to go to get breakfast. I slept in the clothes they gave me when I came in. I am not hungry, but I know I'll only get food at certain times. So I go eat. I'm not allowed to have coffee as they don't want me to have any caffeine, so I know it's going to be even more of a long day. It's Sunday morning. And I think of Rory's promise to spend all day Sunday curled up with me alone, just the two of us to make up for not spending our first night together, and I cry again. It hasn't calmed me as it did at first, it's tearing me apart. Instead of having my Polar Bear wrapped around me, I'm locked up here. Broken down, suicidal, and completely miserable. It's kind of the last straw for my self control, and I break down finally. I'm screaming and kicking hysterically. Another big Bull orderly holds me down gently, while a Nurse sedates me. "He's already suicidal, he needs to be restrained" I hear the Nurse say as I drift off.

I wake up and I'm in four point leather restraints. I cry at how badly my life went down the drain so suddenly. I found my predestined mate, my life should be great, and I should be so happy. And I'm in a psych ward tied to a bed, because I'm suicidal... I look up at the window of my room. As if things weren't bad enough, I see Dad's face, he's crying as hard as I am. I feel so God awful now. They let him in once they know I'm awake. I fight to stay calm. Dad's crying so hard.

"Claude, what happened with you and Rory" Dad asks unable to stop crying either.. I cry harder. "Dad I don't know, he fucked them, and he doesn't really care, he said a lot of things, and I thought he loved me, but he didn't care, he knew I'd left hurt and he kept fucking them" I say crying harder. "I'm not important to him" I whine. "Why doesn't he love me like he said he did?" I whine. "Claude, he does love you, he made a mistake, is all" Dad says trying to calm down. "I made the mistake of believing him when he said he loved me" I say crying hard. "No one can love me, I'm unlovable, I must be" I whine. "Claude, stop this, now!" Dad says angrily. I am silent now. Dad's really upset. I can see it in his eyes. He loves me but he's Rory's Dad too. He has to be really torn here.

"I've talked to Nigel, I know most of what happened, Claude" Dad says softly, trying to change the subject.. "He was wrong and he knows it" Dad says. "He said he was wrong before, and he didn't mean it, he only said what he thought would calm me down." I say sadly. "Claude, what happened to upset you so much?" Dad asks. So I tell him, how I went to Rory after he told me to, and what we talked about, and then going out and talking to Nigel while Rory showered. And then confronting Rory. And running, yet knowing I was on the edge and desperately calling for Jonas' help.

"Claude, I don't know what to say here, you have gotten so upset, but I knew you were still raw inside, Rory did wrong, but I don't know why it made you break down again." Dad says. "He's upset because they won't let him see you, they won't let anyone but me see you, Claude" Dad says stroking my muzzle. "Jonas is firm about him not seeing you and making you worse" Dad says. I look into Dad's eyes. "I'm glad you came, I need my Daddy now, nobody really loves me except my Daddy" I say crying harder, and I feel totally ashamed now. Dad looks like he's barely coping. "You've done so well, but I was worried about this, you love Rory and it brought it all back, my Grizzly son is still so damaged inside" Dad says softly. "It's not your fault, Baby Cub" Dad says holding me as tight as he can since I'm tied down still. I'm calming down. My Daddy loves me, and he seems to understand, and he's not ashamed of me. Knowing how much he loves me starts to ease my pains.

"Jesse has called Emil, and they've called your patients, your office will be closed til Thursday" Dad says. I nod. I don't care about my office now.. I just want my life back, and I want to be like I was before Marty ruined my life and broke me, maybe he really did break me for good. I can't live like this. I can't be terrified of breaking down the minute Rory and I disagree. I feel so wounded and unworthy of being loved. I want to just die now. More so than earlier.

My poor Lion Daddy, forced to come once more to see his Grizzly son in the nut bin.....trussed up in restraints and a haggard and pathetic looking Bear at that. I briefly struggle against the restraints and when they hold me still, I lay my head down and I moan.

"Dad, I'm so sorry that I'm such a messed up Bear" I say meekly. "Claude it's not your fault, we know that" Dad says softly. "I hurt so much, Daddy, help me, please, I can't stand this anymore" I beg him. "Claude, you can deal, you're a good Bear, you're stronger than this, use the part of me that's in you" Dad begs me. And I stop thinking for a minute. I listen to my pained heart. And it begs me not to throw my love for Rory away. And not to keep hurting my Daddy. And I start calming down again. I feel a strong urge to find a way back to my Polar Bear. It can't be too late for us. I need him so much, I don't wanna live without my Polar Bear. But I know I cannot yet face him.

"My poor boy was victimized, he's not to blame" Dad says gently stroking my muzzle. "Dad, I hurt so badly and feel broken inside, but I don't think I'm crazy anymore" I say softly. "I'll talk to Jonas, I'll see if or when we can get you out of here, or at least out of these restraints." Dad says softly. "Dad, I'm so sorry" I say trying to stop crying. "Claude, this isn't your fault, we all know it, Marty broke your spirit so badly, and you may never be truly healed, Rory knows it, he's said as much, he knows how badly he screwed up, and he's so sorry for it, son" Dad says.

"Forgive him, or break your bond with him, those are your only choices, but if you do break up you may never be loved again, you have a better chance to get through this at his side, he loves you, and he was there, and he knows how you are" Dad says sounding frustrated. "Forgive him, and try to move on together, Boy." Dad says. "Don't throw his love away no matter how badly you hurt, Claude" Dad says sadly. I nod. Dad kisses me and leaves. I snuggle back into bed. I think about what Dad said. He's right. Rory does care, why things happened the way they did I have no idea. But we have to figure a way to get back together and get beyond this. I"m sure of that now.

Jonas comes in to see me after a while. "Jim wants to take you home, can you handle it, Claude?" Jonas asks. "I'd consider it if you're not still suicidal, Claude" he adds. "I don't think so, but Jonas, can we all talk, I need your help, I want you to get me and Rory in a session, with Dad too, and help us work this out, I don't want to lose Rory's love to my craziness" I say weeping gently. "Claude, you were damaged so badly, we know that, you need to keep seeing me, we shouldn't have stopped your therapy" Jonas says calmly. "Rory loves you, I know that, and he ought to have known being in love would make you over sensitive at first, and he should have been more considerate of you, Claude, but you are processing better now, you are more worried about losing him than whether he really does love you, and you don't think you're unlovable anymore, that's a big step towards healing this." Jonas says softly. I nod.

"But you are not crazy, you did decompensate badly over this, and I was scared you'd hurt yourself, but you're not suicidal anymore, and you're processing things much more rationally than you were last night." Jonas says quietly. "Jim is still here, waiting on me to talk to you and make a decision, we'll get Rory here and we'll all sit down and talk" Jonas says quietly. "How it goes will determine whether I let you go tonight or keep you a few days like I planned" Jonas says quietly. "I'm going to sedate you again for a few hours til we can get Rory here" Jonas says softly. "You need to let go of the pain and the guilt, you were badly abused and wounded by that Coach, you can't help this, we need to keep doing therapy and a few joint sessions with you and Rory are in order too" Jonas adds. "You were correct, you all need guidance to get past this, Rory's feeling massive guilt for triggering your break down this time" Jonas says. "Your little family at home is worried for you, and they all know now, no one will blame you or think badly of you, so let go of the guilt" Jonas says. And he gives me a shot and I drop off to sleep. At least my mind stops when I sleep.

I wake up and I'm unrestrained. Dad's sitting by me looking rather concerned still. "Dad?" I ask quietly. "Rory's talking to Jonas now, he's so upset, Claude, I hope you two can find your way out of this, and stay together." Dad says. "It started out such a good night, and I ruined everything" I say trying not to cry again. "No, Boy, you can't help this, Rory knows he was wrong to make you feel unloved and unwanted, and he is not sure why he kept fucking those guys instead of trying to make sure you were OK, he's hurting too, Claude" Dad says. "Try to see this through Rory's eyes, Claude" Dad says quietly. I nod.

"He's only Ursine, Claude, he made a mistake, and he's wanting to make it up to you, you ran from him, before he had a chance to talk to you" Dad says. "He was wrong for several things, but you were wrong to have run, you owed him a chance to explain, you know you have that problem of running when hurt, he would have begged your forgiveness for not responding to you" Dad says. "I love you, Claude, you know that, but I love Rory too, and you were wrong to run like you did" Dad says quietly. "I know, Dad, but I felt he didn't care" I say softly. "He was ashamed, Claude, you should understand that much" Dad says softly.

"Claude, he came running to me when you left, you ran too fast for him to even get dressed and come after you, and we couldn't find you, Rory broke down too" Dad says. "Teddy took Nigel and they went everywhere Nigel thought you might have run to" Dad says. "We didn't know where you were for hours, until Jonas called me, and then he wouldn't let Rory come see you, and Rory was devastated even more" Dad says. "Claude, he loves you, I know you love him, but if you two can't move past this, you're done as a couple" Dad says firmly. I nod.

I've been hurt but I'm not crazy, and I know I don't want to lose Rory. How do we get back together, how can I keep this from happening again and ease his pains? And he's got to be worried now, if he doesn't know where I am will he think I've run again?

Damn this. I wish Takeru was here. I love Dad, but he doesn't understand how I think like Papa-San does. And I realize something, while Grandpa is a genius and passed that to me, Takeru understands me because he's an even smarter Bear than Grandpa and I. Takeru once said he was good friends with Walt because they understood the level at which each other thinks. Do I just think differently than the rest of my family? I know I"m smart, but when my emotions get stirred up, my smarts are pretty damned useless. But my pragmatic Dad doesn't always understand how I think, like Grandpa or Papa-San do. Though I am afraid if I called Papa-San he'd run here from Tokyo to tend me.

"Before the four of us sit down and try to talk, you have to decide what you want right here and now." Dad says firmly. "I know what I want, what I wanted when I asked Jonas to have us all sit down and talk, I want Rory back, I want to know he loves me, and I want to spend my life with him, I was so happy when I got him and for most of last night" I say tears rolling silently down my cheeks. "My poor boy" Dad says hugging me. "I needed him, and he swore if I just let him know I needed him, he'd let me know how much I was loved, and then he didn't, I have to find out why and get past it" I say emphatically to Dad. "Dad, I do trust him, like I trust you, but things went so badly, and I have to find out why" I say sounding pained. "Always have to figure out why, just like Walt" Dad muses softly.

"Claude, it's not too late, you two do need to talk, you need to forgive him and forgive yourself, Rory needs to forgive himself too, and you both need to move on, you love each other so much," Dad says. "I know Dad, but I feel such guilt, normal animals get through so much more without breaking down" I say trying not to sound as whiny as I feel. "Claude, you were victimized by that rat bastard Lion, he broke you, he damaged you so much inside, you have very little sense of security when it comes to feeling loved, you don't help it by not knowing what you want, if you'd of gone to any of us for comfort, or even asked Rory if you could stay with them, it would have been different, you'd of felt the love we gave you." Dad says. "He wouldn't stop fucking them even when he knew I'd fixed up Miguel, he wouldn't even look at me when I was talking to him. " I moan. "Claude, you have to let go of that, you're looking for reasons to hurt" Dad says simply and firmly. "You are jealous now?" Dad asks. "No, I needed him, and he didn't care" I moan. "He was caught up in hot sex, he didn't know you needed him, he should have, but he made a mistake, let it go, Claude" Dad roars at me. I lower my head. "You know you fucked Miguel, you loved it, according to Miguel, and you fixed him up," Dad mutters. "I would have stopped for him at least to talk about it, and I'd of asked him to stay with us" I say quietly. Dad's silent now. And I see he's thinking hard. And he shakes his mane. And I can see from his eyes he's figured something out. I get that same look when I do too.

"I see it now, Claude, you cared for Miguel and before you let that affect your feelings for Rory, you set him up with Mike, you were being loyal in your way to Rory, but he wouldn't stop fucking those Otters, not to talk to you, or later to Nigel, not to make sure you were OK, and he wore himself out sexually, and had nothing left for you." Dad says. "You know you don't care what he does, as long as you get what you need from him too" Dad says smiling. "You're so much like Harry at times, Boy" Dad says grinning. "I can see how you must have felt, Son" Dad says. I nod. Nice that at least Dad knows why I freaked out, I didn't until he just told me.

"He didn't put you first like you did him" Dad says sadly. I nod. "Claude, I don't think he sees it yet" Dad adds. "I'm surprised I didn't see it until now, Claude" Dad muses. "You wouldn't care if he fucked others, as long as he showed you his love and put you first, and it was your first day together" Dad says softly. "No wonder you felt so unloved, Boy" Dad says quietly. "You both made the first mistake, you should have stayed together on your first night, maybe taking Teddy with you would have been fine, but you needed him as much as he needed you, and you both ignored that" Dad says softly.