Luca's Story Ch. 3
For those of you who've been reading thus far, I want to thank you so much for the positive comments and support. I hope you enjoy this chapter, too. It is Luca's darkest chapter, and the one I feel the most caring about. This is not only something that hits close to home for people who are close to me in life, but hits close to home for myself, as well.
Chapter III-Daddy Troubles
The ending
That peace could grow inside of you
Inspite of me
Humanity
I hope youre out there somewhere
Right now im all alone
I feel my time has come
Embrace the ending
I cannot take this pain
I cannot take this shame
Save us from ourselves
Welcome the way that we
Embrace the ending
-Mushroomhead, "Embrace the Ending"
Dinner was as it always was that evening since Luca came out openly. Dead silent. Luca couldn't help but feel her father's accusatory eyes on her every time she looked at her plate. But when she tried to lift her gaze to meet his, he'd turn away. She knew not with what kinds of eyes he looked at her. Her younger sisters didn't dare say anything. The tension was palpable. Even a bomb squad carting nitro through the middle of the living room would fail to add to the situation.
"Pass the salt?" It was Ahelie, the youngest sister. She was only five, and her voice had a slight squeak to it. Luca's eyes went once more to her father, since he had the salt. He didn't look up as he passed it along. "Thank you," Ahelie half-whispered, eyes darting to Luca as she said it.
After what seemed an eternity, everyone finally seemed to be finishing up. Luca had eaten particularly slowly, making sure everyone else was outpacing her. She just wanted her father to be done and out of the room before she did her own Birkat Hamazon. He had stopped doing it aloud, which the all the girls enjoyed. When Ahelie first asked why they weren't all doing it together, Randal simply stated, "I think everyone here is old enough to do it on their own by now." Luca knew why, and so did everyone else, and she hated him for it. But she wasn't going to step away from the table first so long as she could help it. She knew her father would do it aloud for his girls.
Finally, everyone but Luca and her mother were left, and they began clearing and washing up.
"I don't know how much longer I can take this," Luca whispered, absent-mindedly scrubbing some hummus of a plate.
"What was that dear?" Susanne asked, stepping up alongside her daughter with a fresh stack of plates from the table.
"Nothing," Luca said, shaking her head and looking down at the plate with renewed concentration. There were tears plainly showing in her eyes.
Susanne laid her hand on Luca's forearm gently, giving a gentle squeeze. "Baby, you need to stop tormenting yourself like this. He'll come around."
"I'm not sure I want that anymore," Luca choked. "After the way he's treated me thus far. How can I accept him as my father?" She looked to Susanne, and the tears were running freely down her hot cheeks now.
"Shhhh Luca..." her mother cooed, lifting a hand and wiping what tears she could from the fur of her daughter's cheeks. "If it is tormenting you so badly, why not go talk to your father? I think he's in his study right now."
Luca bit her lip, her eyes darting towards the darkened hallway that branched off from the kitchen. Down there were the study and a spare bath, as well as the way to the back yard. Luca hadn't been down that way once since they moved in.
"Go to him. If he won't accept you as his daughter willingly, then make him. Whether he likes it or not, you sprang from his loins."
"Great way to put it," Luca said, trying to sound sarcastic in spite of the tears.
Susanne shrugged. "What? I'm not a Catholic," she said. It was her usual joke whenever someone criticized her less-than-subtle nature that came out from time to time. Luca couldn't help but giggle slightly.
"Alright, I'll go in a minute," she said, continuing to scrub the plate. Susanne grabbed it from her daughter's hands.
"No, now. Go while you still have some resolve left in you. I know how you get at the prospect of facing your father. If it's not right at that moment and right in his face, you cower and shrink away from him."
Luca sighed. Her mother was right. She wiped her hands off on a hand towel nearby, took one last nervous look at her mother, and went down the hall.
One knock.
Nothing.
Another knock.
Still nothing.
Luca tried the handle. It was unlocked. Pushing the polished brass piece downward, the heavy mahogany door parted for her. Inside was the most luxurious wood-paneled, high-shelved office she'd ever seen. No wonder her father settled on this one. A fireplace was to her right, cold and dark. It was still only late September, after all. Ahead was her father's desk, made very much in the same way of the rest of the room, with heavy mahogany panels along with a desktop glossed and polished so well you could see your reflection in it. Her father's high-backed leather chair was turned away, towards a family portrait that had been taken before Talya moved away to college. Luca couldn't help but wonder about how they couldn't just see that there was something wrong with her in that picture. Seeing herself was like looking at a stranger; a stranger who wanted to crawl right out of his own skin.
After closing the door behind her, Luca stepped in slowly. "Father?" she called out to him, her voice seeming to fall flat in this huge office. Beneath her socked feet, she could feel the plush rug. Had it been another time, she might have taken the fancy of simply removing the socks so she could really feel the wonderful textures of the rug.
Coming to a stop about five paces from her father's desk, she called his name out again. Finally, he turned around. Were those tears in his eyes? Luca could almost certainly say yes, but the lighting of the place was deceptive.
Randal made no gesture, made no sound. He simply stared her down. It was that same look of reproach and disappointment she had feared he would give her had she caught him looking.
"Daddy, why do you hate me?" She choked, wrapping her arms around her belly, hugging herself tight.
"Do not call me that," he said coldly, turning his gaze to some documents on his desk. He slid them off into a drawer and closed it.
"I know you're upset," she said, trying not to just burst into hysterical sobs. Especially not in front of him. "Especially with the scandal with that fraud case your partner was in. But please, I can't be blamed--"
Randal raised a hand, bringing Luca's words to a stop. "Is that what your mother told you?" he asked, sounding slightly incredulous. Or was that Luca's imagination? He looked about ready to laugh now. "You don't know the truth, do you?"
"Mom told me. It was because of that Rottweiler. The one with the corrupt firm?"
This time Randal's face of incredulousness turned to a slight smirk of triumph. It scared Luca more than the judgment that was in his eyes before.
"The firm broke up because of Ronnie's attempted suicide."
Luca gasped, her hand going to her mouth. Suddenly pieces started falling together that she should have seen sooner. The fact Ronnie wasn't in any of the classes they should have been sharing that term, the fact he wasn't at gym.
"He left this," Randal said. Luca could almost swear she heard a hint of satisfaction in his tone, but was too shocked to take much notice. She stepped forward as a crumpled note was slid across the desk to her. "Norm threw it at me when he came storming back into the firm after making sure his son was still alive at the hospital."
Luca looked at the note, and her heart sank. What was written there broke her heart more than anything has ever managed to do over the past couple weeks. Ronnie's scrawling handwriting, slightly smudged in places, was unmistakable. It read:
The boy I loved most in the world is dead. I'm sorry, mom and dad. Luke was all I had in the world, the only person I felt could understand and love me for who I am. I'm not the golden boy you think I am. I'm not going to marry some beautiful Jewish girl and have lots of buns. I'm a fag who has nobody now. Goodbye.
Luca couldn't say a word. She fell back against the floor, mercifully padded with the thick rug sprawled over much of the hardwood surface. She kicked back, crawling over the floor for a few moments before regaining her feet and bolting from the office.
It wasn't until she got to her room, locked the door, and dove face-first into her pillows that the screams started to come. It all made sense now. Every piece had fallen in place. Why Ronnie looked at her with such hatred. Why he wasn't seen again at school that day. Why the firm broke up. And worst of all, it was all her fault.
Luca screamed and screamed into her pillow until her throat was raw and bloody, and then she screamed some more. By the time she rolled onto her side, her chest, belly, and shoulders actually sore, there was a patch of blood on her white pillow in the shape her maw made as she stuffed her pillow into it to muffle her screams.
That same night, there was a fight downstairs. Susanne and Randal were screaming at each other. Plates and glasses were being broken. It was the first time that ever happened, and Luca knew exactly what was going on. Her mother found out that Randal had revealed the truth to Luca. In her numb state, staring blankly at the wall, the pain too immense to even feel anymore, Luca didn't blame her for lying. Susanne was wise enough to know how it would destroy Luca. Besides, Luca realized, the lies, the move, everything boiled down to her. Luca was the center of the impact crater. Luca was the reason so much pain and destruction had occurred.
It wasn't until very late that the fighting finally stopped and her parents went to bed. Luca had made up her mind by then.
"Luca?"
A loud knock.
"Luca honey? It's time to get up."
Louder knock.
"Luca, please, I know you're upset. Just come out and talk to me. You don't have to go to school today."
Worry sets in. Susanne starts knocking more frantically.
"Luca?! Come out baby. Please?"
After a few more moments of this, Randal actually makes an appearance.
"Open this door or I'll break this door this instant!" he barked through the door. Then there came a mumbling about how he knew it was a mistake to allow a lock on Luca's door.
Finally, Norm kicked the door right beside the knob. For a lapine of such minimal frame, he was surprisingly strong, and the door gave almost instantly.
What Luca's parents saw, however, made them both draw in breath in sharp, audible gasps.
On the bed, there lay their daughter, dressed up in her boy's uniform for Beth'el Jewish Community Center and High School. Her arms were spread out to either side, wrists turned upwards and pouring blood onto the sheets. Two large pools were forming on either side of her, and blood was still trickling from Luca's slit wrists. On the bedside was a vial of prescription heart medication from Randal's cabinet that contained blood thinners. Next to it was a knotted rope that had blood stains on it.
Susanne screamed and collapsed.
Randal dialed 911 as quickly as he could.