It's Just a Cigarette
it's just a cigarette and it cannot be that bad....
I yawned deeply as I sat in my recliner, the bedroom TV was on playing some movie we had seen a hundred times. Aria, my wife; a bobcat anthro slept peacefully, a small smile on her muzzle as her quiet purrs filled the room above the muted TV. I had lied when I told her I wasn't tired enough to lay in bed with her; in truth I was dead tired, but I wanted to make sure she was alright through the night. I stared with a half-smile and a chuckle at my wife as she gave a small snort in her sleep. She always was adorable.
Her cancer was being managed; beaten if I was being optimistic, there was a high chance she survived. However the treatment was rough; she lost most of her fur at one point, couldn't eat anything for another. Now, she was just in pain; a constant pain that her meds didn't really stop, just made her kind of in a pained stupor. Aria's blanketed form shifted slightly, letting out a soft moan of discomfort. I leaned forward out of the chair, and rubbed her ears and hair softly; whispering to her.
"Shhhhush its ok love, I'm here.... it's ok...you're ok" I cooed softly, comforting the love of my life.
"Mmmm ok Anon" she murmured, snuggling a pillow to her with a small smile, nuzzling into it.
I sat back, letting my eyes close for a moment. Just a moment I swear; but in that moment I relived some of the worst parts of my life, and some of the best. Aria and I getting married, her tossing the bouquet and the laughs that ensued. When we bought our house together and I carried her bridal style into it. Her coughing and falling down the stairs. Aria, unconscious, with what looked like a dozen tubes down her throat as I watched helplessly. Her diagnosis...
They said it was a freak case that we had caught early enough and her chances of survival were high; but the pain meds did little. Aria was strong, too strong to let her pain show during the day. At night in her sleep though, she cried out for any kind of comfort, including her worst habits.
So I stayed up, watching her and making sure she was ok, always comforting her and giving her some cold water to help her feel better. The days were long of course, and the nights longer... but a man does what he must for his wife. I smiled and opened my eyes to the bedroom we had built over the past 6 years. The now empty bedroom. Panic ran through me as a jumped to my feet, wondering were Aria could've gone.
The bathroom? No luck.
The now useless nursery? Empty.
Down the stairs and in the living room? No trace of her.
I stumbled half asleep and half panicked into the kitchen where I finally found her; asleep with her head tucked in her folded arm, a still lit cigarette lazily smoldering between her paw pads. I had to give a small sigh of relief that I caught her this time, Aria was so hopped up on painkillers I doubt she would even recognize what was going on. Aria was proud she had quit smoking years ago, but now if you asked her about it now, she wouldn't even know she had quit.
Gently, I took the cigarette and flicked it into the sink; making sure it went out as I scooped her up. She weighed almost nothing in my arms as I carried her back to the bedroom, flicking off lights as I went. Gods, when did she get so small? I used to have to struggle to carry her.
"Mmmm A-Anon?" Aria must've woken from the slight jostling, her arms wrapping around me loosely.
"D-did I s-smoke again?" She asked, her green eyes barely focusing on me through the pain, tears forming between her words. I breathed in deep, closing my eyes and pulling her closer to me, my lower lip held between my teeth.
"Yea, you did, it's ok" I mumbled, wiping away tears with a thumb, "I got it for you, I put it out for you again. It's no big deal"
I could feel her trying to hug me closer, and I could tell the pain didn't let her.
"I-I'm sorry Anon" she murmured as I pulled her closer to me, using my shoulder to wipe away the tears on my face I couldn't allow to form or rather the ones I couldn't let her see.
"It's ok Aria, I got you, don't worry. We'll get through this" I answered mechanically, trying not to allow the flood of emotions I felt run rampant. She didn't need my emotions, Aria needed me to be a rock to anchor herself to. I stayed steady and carried her though our house to the bedroom.
"A-anon? D-do you s-still love m-me like you u-used to?" Aria managed to stammer out as I set her into the bed once more.
Those words caught me off guard, I was mentally prepared for so much with Aria. I was prepared to go through the worst chemo, the most experimental drug, bone marrow transplants and anything else doctors might cook up. But those words? I was NOT prepared for them. I broke. I broke HARD, tears running down my face even though I didn't want them to as I ran a hand down her cheek.
"O-of course I still love you Aria. Why wouldn't I?" I gasped, holding her paws gently yet firmly, looking her dead in the eyes. Her smile was cracked with pain as she studied my face.
"I-I can't give you cubs n-now, y-you always wanted cubs..." I kissed her to shut her up
"We talked about this love. We can adopt and miracles can happen"
She fretted in my arms for a moment, mumbling about "equivalent exchange". When I kisses her forehead softly, her mumbles stopped.
"I-I love you Anon" Aria moaned in the worst way as I laid down next to her.
"I love you Aria" I responded, holding her close. She shook in my arms for a while, her pain a dull but constant presence. I held her close, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her ears until I heard her snoring purrs. I snuggled closer to her and held her close. Nothing would change my love for this woman. I drifted off to sleep only thinking about how I could comfort her in the morning.