FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Looking out onto the faces of the passerby in the cool Alden air, Draven began to sweat. His face felt itchy, his eyes scrunched up randomly and his eyelids fluttered, his hands were clammy. Draven wanted to bury his head in embarrassment. He could only imagine what they were thinking. Disappointment? Unease? Fear? Even though he imagined, the raven didn't think he wanted to know. That would only make it worse. As these dead-end thoughts infested his mind, Draven flicked his eyes to the crying hybrid on his right.

Ramiro was in even worse shape. This was ugly crying, complete with snot running down his lips and the violent shaking of his shoulder. Draven handed him another paper towel before he accidentally swallowed more. The two looked like they had just come from a funeral. The only thing that suggested otherwise were the school uniforms under their jackets.

Draven had been trying to limit the number of times he needed to look up. However, as the duo were crossing a particularly busy intersection, he spotted the city's main park a few blocks away and came up with a new plan. Granted, he didn't really have a plan to begin with. But now the raven knew where they were going! Draven sped up his gait, pulling Ramiro along and almost tripping over his own legs in the process. Quickly they reached the entrance and went inside.

As the trees became denser and nature surrounded them, Ramiro started to wipe at his tears furiously. That combined with the rapid fire sniffling of his nose indicated that he was trying to make himself look more presentable. The theory was confirmed when the hybrid ran a hand through his long, brown hair, attempting to brush it out with his fingertips. After clearing his throat, Draven could almost pretend that his friend was fine.

"I think we need to go back." Ramiro said as he looked Draven in the eye, which gave the raven time to notice how red and puffy they were. "We're going to miss fifth period and I don't like being absent. Plus, this thing isn't that big of a deal."

Draven stopped dead in his tracks and Ramiro almost ran into him. With a sharp turn on his heel, Draven placed both of his hands on the hybrid's shoulders and gave Ramiro his full attention. The crying was a surprise but he could handle that. Why add lies on top of that?

"We both know that's not true. You wouldn't be bawling your eyes out if it was. Everyone was so confused." Ramiro looked down at the ground, not knowing how to respond to that. When silence threatened to cut the conversation short, Draven continued.

"Plus, what Donovan said to you was unacceptable. I never knew he was such a... prick. We won't hang out with him again." Ramiro scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Thanks."

"I'm serious! Look. I'm not as good at this 'knowing what to say' thing as you. I have all of these problems and you just... know what to say when I'm having a moment. I know you probably have your reasons but it hurts that you never talk about yourself. It feels like I'm the only one getting something out of this."

Ramiro looked away as his shoulders tensed up again. He brought a hand to his shoulder and rubbed it against his jacket. Instead of crying again, the hybrid let out a small laugh. Draven raised an eyebrow but Ramiro waved his hand.

"You really don't have a way with words- OW! Why'd you hit me?" Ramiro looked back at Draven. He was frowning.

"I'm trying to be serious right now."

"I know." Ramiro sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Sorry. Can we find somewhere to sit or something?" Instead of grabbing his arm, Draven grabbed his friend's hand this time. The raven gave him a smile and Ramiro cracked one back. This was more like it.

You couldn't even really call this place a park since it was more of a nature reserve. It was mostly open green space but further into the park were several winding trails through the two glens that lay at the center of Alden City. Taking long walks at night was a staple of Draven's life. When he was stressed, he liked to journey into the glen and lie among the flowers and trees. He knew the place like the back of his hand.

Well enough to know that through a specific patch of shrubbery deep into the glen, there was an opening which led to an old, wooden bench. The light slowed through the gaps in the leaves in tiny rays of sunshine, which felt good on their fur. Draven sat down and sunk into his seat, stretching out his arms and legs. Afterward, he patted a spot next to him.

"This used to be part of the tour they gave of the glen. I remember my dad taking me here when I was a kid." For a second, Draven looked out into the trees in some form of contemplation but he quickly looked back to the bench. "I don't know why it's not a part of the tour anymore. I think it's a beautiful spot," he said. Ramiro nodded and sat down on the bench a few feet away from Draven. The bench let out a soft creak as he sat, which complimented his tenser posture. His hands and legs were clasped together as if he was in strict prayer and his gaze was focused on the ground.

"So um..." Ramiro started, letting his fingers caress the petals of a perky, purple flower. "Sorry. It's not that I don't want to talk about these kinds of things." he paused for a second and Draven nodded at him encouragingly. "I just find it difficult."

"Why?" Draven asked. This only intensified the hybrid's stare, his brow furrowed in either concentration or annoyance. The only response he could come up with was a shrug of his shoulders.

"I don't know."

Both of the teens felt a sense of awkwardness flow through them as they sat there, feet apart, staring into the dense foliage in front of them. Even though this was supposed to be a tender moment, they seemed unsure of how to navigate this uncharted territory. Ramiro scratched the back off his head and turned his head away from Draven.

"Do you really want to know?" the hybrid asked and slowly exhaled. His shoulders fell, a mix of dejection and acceptance spread through his body. Maybe he thought that by telling someone, he could finally get this off his chest. He didn't know what that felt like. Right now, it was as if his heart was in knots, slowly asphyxiating itself whenever Ramiro got close to talking about these things.

Hearing that, Draven nodded and rested a hand on Ramiro's back. He didn't say anything but gave Ramiro the stage to vent any grievances that have been chaining him down all these years. With one final inhale, Ramiro began to speak, his words crisp within the silence of their isolated hideaway.

"I have these strange, recurring dreams where I spend my day trying to gain enough courage to steal a batch of hand saws from the product and design room. Once I'm finally able to slip them into my satchel, I run home to my room, both terrified and excited for what will happen next. When I take them out, they're used to saw off my tail. After that, in a grotesquely painful experience, I use tweezers to rip the teeth out of my mouth. I know it's because I'm desperately trying to remove any visible indication of my hybridness. However, once I'm lying there in a pool of my own blood, my teeth crushed from the force needed to wrangle them out, I realize that I'm still not satisfied. I start to worry if my hybridness can be seen through external factors. What if it's the way I walk? Or the way I talk? What if it's something more innate about me like my personality? Can I never be changed?"

"Why?" Draven interjected.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to remove that part of you so badly? You're fine the way you are." Draven tried to hug Ramiro, but his body tensed up again. Instead of relaxing, his body stayed tense and Draven eventually let him go, realizing that he was closing back up. Had he said the wrong thing?

Ramiro shifted on the bench and rubbed his eyes before speaking again.

"You may believe that but we both know that's not true. I don't know why you make such a big deal out of lying when you're lying to me right now. This," he gestured to himself, "is disgusting. I wish I could peel off my fur and start over again so I could make myself more... wanted."

Draven was looking down at the ground himself at this point, thinking about his own past and the way his family had talked about hybrids. He didn't know how to react but Ramiro gave him no time to.

"And it's not just the way I look. It's how I act. Everything I do comes with an asterisk. You heard what Donovan said. I've been trying to prove that hybrids can be just as smart as you guys. Just as talented, just as helpful, we've just never been given the chance to explain ourselves. I'm always at the top of my class, doing well in sports, friendly, approachable, what else do I have to do? All of that doesn't matter at the end of the day because of that asterisk. Donovan's not the first person to tell me that by the way. That I'm only succeeding because I'm a hybrid. It's not that I'm smart or sociable; it's because teachers don't want to be the one to give the poor hybrid kid a bad grade. I mean, he struggled so much to go to this school, if he wasn't spectacular then that'd be such an embarrassment, wouldn't it?"

Ramiro kicked the ground in front of them and rubbed his eyes. He was obviously trying to hold back tears at this point but his efforts were not working as he began to cry anyway. Draven sat there next to him, a hand reached out but was frozen mid air. His last attempt to comfort him ended so poorly and he didn't want that to happen again. So, he decided to speak instead.

"Donovan only said that because he was jealous you were outperforming him."

"Does it fucking matter?"

Instantly looking away, Draven interlaced his fingers, trying to keep calm. He had never heard Ramiro speak with such venom. Had he always been this angry? Was the friendly and goofy Ramrio he knew a lie? It was scaring him.

"I'll tell you right now: it doesn't. Because even if Donovan said that to me out of spite or jealousy, that doesn't change the fact that he legitimately thinks like that. And if he does, then many other people do too. I don't see the point of even trying anymore if this is going to be the response I receive every time. I will never be more than a dumb, useless hybrid that is better off dead in the eyes of everyone. I even lost all my friends from lower education because they think of me as some kind of traitor now that I attend this school. Like, what's the po- OW Can you stop fucking hitting me?"

"Sorry, this is all just... it's making me frustrated." Draven's fists were clenched as he stared at Ramiro.

"Making you frustrated, huh? How about you learn to find some way to deal with your frustration that doesn't involve you lashing out at people?"

"Like how you've bottled all of this anger and pain inside of you for seemingly forever? That doesn't seem to be going well for you now, is it?"

"Is that- FUCK!" Ramiro stomped on the ground harder, his anger exploding into the ground. Draven flinched as his hands started to shake.

The hybrid sighed and slumped back into the bench. The same defeated pose from earlier took on a different meaning now.

"Sorry, I'm just tired of all this," he said and looked at Draven who eventually unclenched his fists.

"Same. And um, sorry as well. I want to help you but I didn't think you were going to be this deep." Draven sighed as well and sat up straight, making sure to place his hands and his pockets. Before things got too quiet between them, which would doom the conversation to restart, Draven spoke again.

"I thought that I could be happy if you succeeded. I know I'm not gifted in academics or athletics like you are. I'm only going to this school because my parents had enough money to convince the admissions people that I was worthy. I won't be able to make my parents proud of me like your mom is with you. I'm not really good at anything." Draven had to take off his glasses to wipe at his eyes as well. Why was he crying now?

"Don't say that."

"No no, you're right. What is the point? Why are we making ourselves miserable like this? It's now clear that we're both suffering. Why are we doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. Going to school? All of this pressure seems to be coming from there. That's one of the sources at least."

"What do you want us to do? Drop out?"

"No, but..."

Ramiro shifted his gaze to the ground for a few seconds before meeting Draven's again. As their eyes met, they both could see the poison that ran through their subconscious, deteriorating their bodies and souls from the background. Something had to be done.