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Everybody has that one friend that they just say and do stupid shit together, and they laugh because that person is just someone you can be 100% unfiltered around. For me, back in elementary school, that was my best friend, whom we're going to call Garrett. Garrett and I didn't really have much in common; we just really enjoyed each other's company and we would make each other laugh sometimes. It helped that both of our parents got along as well. My parents knew his mom, whom we're going to call Shay. I don't know about Garrett's dad; I believe either they were divorced or he was in the military, I don't remember.

When I was in elementary school, me and Garrett got into the Cub Scouts together. To make things more interesting, Shay was the leader of the... I don't want to say "troop", but the group of Cub Scouts that always met together, whatever you'd call that. Shay was the adult leader of the group. Every Tuesday around six or seven at night, we'd all meet up in this building on Neal Avenue that doubles as a Church, and we would just do stuff together: we'd work on stuff in the handbooks, play games, eat delicious food, and sometimes run around in the parking lot. It was pretty fun, especially since I knew and liked most of the other kids there.

Eventually, I grew too old to be a Cub Scout, and after that, I didn't really feel like doing a lot of social activities. Fast forward to when I'm in the 5th grade and around 10-11 years old, I remember one day, my dad, tired of me being around the house so much on weekends, told me, "You know what? You're going back into scouting, and you're joining the local Boy Scout troop."

I had two issues with this. The first was that not only was my dad one of the leading adults in the troop, but my brother was also in that troop as well. Two of my least favorite people in the entire world, that I would be stuck with for an entire evening? Fuck no. The second thing is that I knew that Boy Scout troops went camping all the time, and I hate camping.

Do you people out there hear the venom in these words?? I HATE CAMPING!!! I don't like sleeping in tents. I don't like eating plants, or drinking river water. I don't like hikes. I don't like the annoying animals that wake you up when you're dead tired. I did not sign up to get my ass eaten by a bear in the middle of the night.

Unless it's the type of bear that I'm thinking about.

Now, luckily for me, Garret was in the troop that I was dragged into. So, it wasn't that bad at first. I also had another friend with me from school; we're gonna call him Drew. Also, luckily for me, Drew's dad -- who's name I forgot -- was also one of the adult leaders and he was mad cool. He used to genuinely make me laugh. Now that I've seen that I have three people there that I can situate myself around, I can handle this troop.

(I have tons of stories about this fucking troop, including one about one of the other adults, but I'm going to save those for a rainy day. Trust me, none of them are good. This one you're currently reading is pretty much my only positive scouting story that I'll ever have and that I'll ever tell people. Every other memory? Shitty. That should give you a clue to any parent out there looking to send their kid to any troop; just don't.)

Unfortunately, my dad, being the asshole-ish parent that he was, forced me to go to every single fucking camping trip while I was in that boy scout troop. Every single one; including one time I had the flu and he still made me go. One of the most frequent spots we camped at was a place called Camp Falling Rock, right outside of Newark.

The way the Camp was set up was this: if you get off the main road and enter the camp, there's this huge area where parents park their cars, and everyone sets up their tents to sleep in. On the right, there were a couple cabins that acted as meeting areas, there was a massive lake next to them, Lake Peewee (I wish I was making that up), and then to the left of the lake was a massive hill nicknamed Heart Attack Hill. Named so because that hill was inclined at fucking 50 degrees, no bullshit. Trying to climb up that hill was like carrying a bag of bricks up a dozen sets of stairs. Your heart starts hurting, it gets harder to breathe, and me, having asthma, it was a nightmare every time I had to make the climb.

Now that I've put that image in your mind, let's get to the funny stuff.

On one particular trip to Falling Rock, there were these two older teenagers -- I'd say aged 18 or 19, which was the upper limit to being an official Boy Scout -- that were there on a fall campout. One of the teens we're gonna name Alex, and the other one, Justin. I believe that Garrett and Drew weren't with me on this particular campout, but it was a long time ago so I could be wrong.

Sometimes during campouts, the older troop members and the adults liked to butt-heads a lot. Not in a serious way, but in a way like you'd trash talk an opponent only to shake their hand if they beat you in something. The teenagers and the adults, they would always try to make little bets and tasks to make certain campouts more interesting. Some of them were hit-or-miss, but the most entertaining instant was at a campout with Alex and Justin.

Now, I forgot what exactly it was that was going on at this particular campout. I was still new to the Boy Scout troop, I didn't have my friends there, so I didn't give a fuck about what was going on. The only thing I cared about was When was this going to end? I want to go home already, this is a waste of time!

During one evening of this trip, everyone gathered around at one of the amphitheaters. This one was located in the middle of Heart Attack Hill, tucked around a rock wall behind the lake. So, I'm already pissed off because I'm out of breath, and I got to be around every single person on the campground that I didn't like. There weren't even seats! They were fallen tree logs that we had to sit on. My pants were getting dirty and scratched up, and on top of that, they were uncomfortable as shit. But because my dad wouldn't let me leave, I was forced to sit through whatever was about to happen.

Maaaaaaaannnn... If only Iknew what was about to happen; I would've recorded this shit on camera.

So, on stage in this outdoor theater was Alex and Justin. The two were rambling on about something scout-related -- I don't know, I wasn't really paying any attention.

Then about halfway through their speech about "something", they bring out this large plate of 12 or more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, right? For those of you who know me, you know that PB+J sandwiches are my favorite. I saw the plate, and I'm immediately intrigued. First off, I'd only been living off of gruel and undercooked eggs for two days. So even something as small as a PB+J would absolutely be enough to get me through the weekend.

The two guys take one sandwich each. And right as I think they might start passing the plate around to the other boys, these motherfuckers start shoving these sandwiches under their armpits.

Everyone busts out laughing -- I'll admit, I cracked a smile as well.

These two dudes -- Alex and Justin -- they just sit there, rubbing these sandwiches all over their bodies. And they are getting it in all over themselves; they're getting peanut butter and jelly all over their clothes, their fucking biceps, and all around their faces. It wouldn't even surprise me if some of it got in their hair!

For like five to ten minutes, these guys just sit there, putting PB+J sandwiches everywhere that they can reach. Even shoveling some of them into their mouths. If you've ever seen the Vine of that baby covered head-to-toe with peanut butter; that's pretty much close to what was happening.

The funniest part about this whole bit, was the fact that they kept casually talking to each other while they were doing this. I don't remember exactly what the fuck they were saying, but I can imagine it sounded something like:

"So, Justin, you ever see that movie last week? Oh, careful, you don't want jelly on your chains again."

"Thanks, bro. Nah, I took my chick to see it but she feel asleep halfway through so I just dragged her ass back out to the car. Make sure you get some jelly behind your ears, bro."

Now, I didn't have a video camera, otherwise I would've recorded this going down and showed everyone that I knew. But, what I did have was a disposable camera and I did get a picture of the two guys in question in the middle of their -- er -- "performance". I'll probably post that on Twitter then link it to the story sometime after I publish this.

Alex, Justin, if you're out there and you somehow find this story, please, please just answer one question: Why? Why would you go to such lengths to make yourselves look crazy in front of the entire troop? Were you just trying to get a laugh out of everyone after a rough couple nights, or were you on the wrong side of a bet? I honestly believe it was the latter, because like I said earlier, the teenagers sometimes made wagers with the adults; those will be some different storytimes.

What's even worse is that I would see Alex around the camp for the rest of the weekend, and anytime my troop had to do any task with his supervision, I couldn't look him in the eyes without smirking because in my mind, homie had sandwich pits and I couldn't take him seriously.

Hope you guys enjoyed this story, lord knows I certainly did. Looking back, it was a weird thing to remember because I don't have many pleasant scouting memories, so this is one I could see myself cherishing as long as I remember it. And just so we're clear, this did not affect my love of PB+J to this day. In fact, I'm an even bigger connoisseur for sandwiches, not for any reason related to this story, but I felt like I had to make that point.

Don't forget to take a shower on the way out, and hopefully I'll see you in my next diary entry.

Toni Q. McAlister

April 27th, 2021

-May 5th, 2021