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Chapter 10

"What's wrong with me?" Jayden asked his phone as it stopped ringing. It seemed like something you'd say in the middle of a conversation, perhaps when someone knew what you were talking about, but Jayden was crazy enough where he could ask out of the blue and no one would mind.

"I - uh, hi, Jayden, long time no talk. Err, what was that?" Paige stammered, sounding flustered as she tried to decipher what months old conversation she'd forgotten. Jayden hadn't talked to her in a while; perhaps several months, he didn't even care to keep track of the days as they bumped into each other, unsure when they began or where they ended.

He hadn't slept in maybe two days, but that was his own fault. Francis had been spending less and less time around Jayden, and the coming of a new year left Jayden alone in his room to the mercy of his apartment's broken heater. As he was alone more and more, he tried more and more to adjust to being by himself again. It was boring, and straining, and he was so attached to Francis despite the hell he'd caused that he couldn't sleep without him. The chills of January that seeped into the window numbed him as he tried to curl up under his covers, only increasing his unnatural need of someone else's warmth.

He'd always been alone. Always. After he started school, he never really had many friends and he never had his parents. Then, high school came along, thrusting everyone even further away from him as his darkest secret seeped out. As he began to love, he was lost to the constant tugging of his heart. He'd always been alone, so why was this any different?

Jayden had always likened what he had had with Francis to an oasis in a desert, and he could understand not wanting to leave the greenery to go back to everything that was parched and faded, but it wasn't like that anymore. Francis had thrown him back onto the sands, and now the wolf was trying his hardest to get back in, even though he knew the water was tainted.

"What's wrong with me, Paige?" Jayden asked again, slower this time, holding his phone to his ear as he looked at the blackness under the covers. It was past noon already, but he didn't care as he got lost in the warmth that flowed around underneath his sheets from his deep breaths. At nine in the morning, he'd gotten up and gotten dressed, but ended up retreating back to his bed, like he had everyday since he lost his job.

The Christmas season had come and gone, just like all the money he'd worked for, and even though they promised him a job when the winter was over, he'd never received the call back. So, too depressed to look for another job, he just laid in bed, because it's not like he went out enough to ever need any money.

"Uh, you forgot the basic dynamics of conventional conversation?" Paige said into the phone as Jayden sighed and sprawled out onto his back, covering his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at the ceiling again. He'd seen enough of it the night before and he was sure he'd counted every speckle at least a hundred times.

"I fell in love with a guy, knowing he'd break my heart, and then he broke my heart, and then I ditched my best friend because she cared about me, and now I'm apologizing for something I shouldn't have even done, asking why I agreed to go to Francis' baby's six-month party," Jayden rambled on, feeling like he was on the verge of becoming hysterical from all the things that were being thrown at him.

"Well, that is quite a story," Paige admitted, sounding like she was trying to understand everything that he was saying, even though his voice had gone so high it had squeaked at several points, "do you think you could possibly tell it again, a little slower?"

"I'm sorry that I just walked away from you like I did," Jayden apologized, sitting up in the bed, throwing the covers off of himself so he could feel the cold air wash away the heat on his face, "I was really stupid, and I really shouldn't have to apologize for a second time."

"Don't worry about it," Paige said lightly, as if through a smile and Jayden ruffled the fur on his head that his bed had styled clumsily. Feeling too lazy to get up and brush it, he leaned back to grab his hat from the bedside table, "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have ever realized how much I hurt people. So, I guess, I should say I'm sorry, too."

"You were just telling me the truth and I was too stubborn to see that," Jayden said as he pulled himself off the bed, looking at the dishes that had piled up, knowing that, this time, they were all his own. The spot where Francis' computer had rest was empty, leaving a clean spot amongst the surrounding dirt, "but I guess I really don't have to worry about him anymore."

"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?" Paige asked as Jayden walked into the bathroom to look at his tired eyes and knotted fur. As he looked down at the brush, he hoped it would sprout legs and start to detangle his pelt for him. Looking at his phone, he saw that he had about an hour until he had to leave. He put his phone on speaker as he picked up the brush.

"It started with me telling him how I felt, then it all went down hill until he came home stoned and told me he was straight again," Jayden said apathetically, grimacing as his fur was pulled out in painful clumps. This felt strangely reminiscent of the days after his grandmother had died; past a certain point, it felt so unreal that he didn't even hurt to tell it. He thought it odd that he could get over his grandmother, who had raised him for much of his childhood, but he couldn't get over Francis, a guy who used him and took advantage of him at every opportunity.

"Commitment issues?" Paige wondered aloud.

"I think it's just me. He ditched me for some chick and her friends, so you know what that probably means."

"Well, do you talk to him anymore?" Paige asked, partially concerned, partially trying to console him with her words. It wasn't lost on him, but he acted like he didn't catch her worry as he put down the brush and walked into the kitchen, beginning to make a cup of coffee because he knew just how long today would be.

"Of course," Jayden said lethargically. It was the truth, even though he didn't necessarily want it to be. It just felt like something he needed to do because he wasn't quite ready to move on, because he had nothing to move on to. Sure, Francis didn't cuddle up to him anymore when he slept over, but that just meant Jayden had to wait until he was asleep to lay on his chest. It was odd, and wrong, but it was the only thing that kept him from losing it completely.

"I'm not really sure what I can say, Jayden. I know what you want me to say, but, as your friend, I can't."

"I don't want you to tell me what I'm doing is right. I know it's not. I've known it's not. I want to stop talking to him, but I don't have the strength to since I have nothing to turn to. My writing feels all wrong because my feelings are all messed up, and my feelings are all messed up because Francis destroyed them. It's like I can't even think for myself anymore."

"Meaning?"

"He invited me to his daughter's six-month party. I don't even know why, since I'm obviously not important to him anymore. I guess he still cares about me, but not in a way that means anything.

"Jayden, I'm really sorry, but I'm at the point where there's nothing new I can add, because you already know what I'm going to say. You're already on the verge of accepting what I've said, but I'm not sure how I can push you into realizing that this will only end with you in pain. I don't know what you want me to do, Jayden."

Watching the coffee slowly drip into in the carafe, he felt his time slowly dripping away as he turned to look at the clock on the microwave. Time wasn't passing nearly as quickly as he had hoped, making him feel like he was trapped in the eternity before his almost certain hell. Too anxious to do anything else and too nervous too stop moving. If time was passing by this slowly now, he could only imagine what would happen when he was faced with all the things he was worried about.

"Having someone to relate to would help make things easier. This is usually where you share a story similar to mine, so I don't feel so alone in the world. Don't you watch any chick flicks? Tell me about a crappy boyfriend," Jayden said, pulling open the cabinet to grab a coffee cup. The thick noon sun illuminated the small flecks of dust that floated through the air, having been thrown about by the wolf's inane actions. His mother hadn't been home to dust, and Jayden hadn't cared enough to clean his room, let alone the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, Jayden, but I should just go now before I say something stupid. I'm not sure how I can be your friend without being at least a little mean, since you only take what I say to heart when I am."

Sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of black coffee, Jayden looked at the liquid direly, the dark color making his mouth twinge. Caffeine was probably one of his few pleasures left in the world, and now he had to drink it every hour to keep himself awake. He used to like it with more cream and sugar than actual coffee, but now he needed all the caffeine he could get. He didn't even care that Paige was getting frustrated with him, because it was well within her right. He was just hoping for someone to condone his mistakes so he didn't feel so alone in his decision.

"Fine, then, tell me what you actually think," Jayden said, taking a sip from the cup, repressing a shutter. The light flooding in from the large window behind him, throwing his darkened soul against the table and he studied the thin line between the darkness and the light.

"Jayden, I felt sorry for you at first. I really did, but now, you're just dragging it on and bringing it onto yourself. I know it's hard to get over someone you love, but he doesn't even love you. Just cut your losses, kick him from your life, and maybe everything will go back to normal, because if you don't, it'll just keep getting worse."

"Fair enough," Jayden mumbled, tossing his phone onto the table, not even bothering to end the call. Staring at the phone's screen desolately, he wrapped both his hands around the coffee cup, mentally preparing himself to down it, to avoid prolonging the taste of bitter medicine. The call ended and he grimaced, as he stood to place his cup in the dishwasher.

It already was turning out to be a perfect beginning to a perfect day. He pushed the tray in with a clatter and slammed the door shut, surprised by his own anger. Who did he have left? Leaning with his backside on the counter, he smoothed out his shirt and turned to his phone which was still on the table. Fifteen minutes.

Letting out a sigh, he snatched it up and walked out the apartment door, almost forgetting to lock the door. He could just wait downstairs to save himself that awkward five second conversation with Francis. The foyer was freezing, even more so than his bedroom, and he'd forgotten his jacket, but he didn't care. Francis would be here soon enough and the tangible discomfort would occupy his mind more than the winter air.

The faux leather seats placed around the table in the middle of the foyer were firm to the touch from the cold and chilled his body as he crossed his arms and looked out the glass doors to the portico. He still had time to turn around, turn off his phone, hide under his covers and forget about the world, just like he always used to do as a kid when he wanted to stay home from school. Francis had said he'd gotten his license, at least that's what Jayden thought he'd said. It'd been forever since they last spoke. Hopefully that meant that he wouldn't have to sit in a car with Tammy as well.

He'd have to see her soon enough, but he couldn't stand the thought of being trapped in a car with her and Francis. They'd probably be sickeningly romantic, since their daughter had just turned six months old. She wasn't even a year old, so why was Jayden being dragged to this? How was Francis expecting him to act like nothing had happened between them?

A raucous horn stole away his thoughts and he looked up to see a silver SUV idling on the asphalt. The passenger side was empty and Francis sat behind the wheel, looking out his window silently. Jayden headed to the car and opened the door, but the bear didn't even look at him until he shut the door with a slam.

"Hey," Francis said with a smile, like nothing had gone wrong. Jayden could feel the sting as his lips cracked open and he could see that cold shine emanating from Francis' eyes, taunting Jayden, telling him that nothing had changed. Jayden knew better, however, because nothing was still the same. He could feel his stomach churn at the sick pleasure of seeing him again and feeling complete again, despite the overwhelming desire to strangle him.

"Hey," Jayden replied, listening to the seatbelt click loudly in the silent car. The baby wasn't with him, obviously already at the party that Jayden didn't really find all that necessary. He looked out past the gloss of the window, onto the compacted snow and the shattered light of the ice crystals oddly reminding him of the night that brought around all this awkwardness. Jayden could barely remember the words uttered or the things he thought on that night, but the cold and memories of emptiness still resonated strongly within him.

"What's up?" Francis asked as they pulled out from underneath the portico and drove through the parking lot, everything returning to silence as Jayden breathed in. He wanted to yell at Francis, he wanted to tell him off for disappearing on him, he wanted to tell him everything that he'd done wrong, everything that he made him feel, but they were broken and nothing could fix them.

Reading between the lines, he knew that Francis didn't really care. It was all just small talk, and if he'd learned anything about people, it'd be that people only stay in relationships because they still got something out of the person they're with; why did he still need Jayden?

"Just kind of tired and nauseous, I guess," Jayden answered, clutching his seat belt as they pulled onto the main road. He knew that the supermarket would be coming up on his right in a minute, so he turned look at Francis again, ignoring the features that angered him so. Jayden didn't know which would bothered him more, since everything seemed to send him into fits of rage these days.

"You sick?" Francis continued as they took the onramp to the highway. Jayden had never been to Tammy's house, and he had hope he would never have to. Would Francis even stop if he undid his seatbelt and jumped out the passenger side door? Weighing the odds, he was pretty sure that a day or two in the hospital was better than five more minutes with Francis.

"Something like that," Jayden said as they fell back into a hush, so the wolf just watched the snow on the side of the road streak by the window. His face was so close to the window as he leaned his head into his hand that his breath was fogging up the window.

Francis reached over and Jayden looked up, but saw that he was only turning on music. Loud music, just like he'd always remembered him loving. Something that made the seats vibrate and the people on the other side of the glass hate them. At least they had both acknowledged that they didn't want to talk to each other anymore. Jayden couldn't even understand most of the words to the song, but at least that gave his idle mind something to do for the drive.

They pulled into the driveway of some monotonous gray house and without pause, Jayden let the belt recoil as he opened the door. Stepping into the wet and salted drive, he shut the door with an unnecessary strength as Francis walked around the car parked behind them. He walked up a small set of cement stairs while Jayden took his time passing by a small red coupe that he didn't recognize.

Assaulted by a breath of hot air as he walked through the storm door, Jayden smoothed back the fur on his head as he studied the small table of presents that lined the windows of the dreary sunroom. Ascending the single step, he walked into the living room, where both of Francis' parents were sitting on the couch, playing with the baby.

Two others sat on the love seat and Jayden assumed that they were Tammy's parents. He had yet to see Tammy, or Francis, as they were probably in the kitchen that was just past the tall arch.

"Hey, son," Francis' father said, and Jayden looked over to him against the thin slits of light bleeding through the blinds. Son was a term of endearment that Francis' father gave to everyone close to his family, and Jayden had always been the one to help them repair all of the electronics in their house, free of charge. It sometimes seemed that Francis' father had a higher regard for Jayden than his actual son.

"Hello, sir," Jayden said with a fake smile. Just stay on his good side; he'd done nothing wrong and he could be a useful ally someday. It wasn't his fault that his son was a manipulative ass.

"Francis said you might not be coming, but I'm glad you did. I hate to be a pain again, but do you think you could come look at my computer? Francis was tinkering around with it and now it always has some kind of error when I turn it on."

It was probably a simple error, Francis probably messed up the boot order while he was pretending he knew what the hell he was doing. It'd probably take him less than five minutes to fix it. It'd be a quick in and out; he wouldn't even have to see Francis if he didn't want to.

"Yea, sure, it shouldn't be a problem. Maybe I can drop by your house after the party, or something. It should only take about five minutes."

"Alright, sounds like a plan," the big bear said, holding out his hand and Jayden grasped it, feeling his hand crush underneath the immense pressure, "need me to pay you, or need a ride, or anything?"

"Nope," Jayden said with a smirk as he pulled his hand away, trying his hardest not to rub the pain away in front of Francis' father, "after all the times I've eaten at your house or bummed a ride, it's only fair that I do it for free. I wouldn't mind a ride though, my mother's out of town and it's supposed to go into the single digits tonight."

"How about this," Francis' father said as the baby was passed over to him and he held her to his chest, lulling her softly as the vibration of his chest began to send her to sleep, "after the party, I take you to get something to eat and then we stop by my house. I'll give you a ride home if Francis decides not to come home."

"I couldn't do that, sir," Jayden said as he looked at the baby bouncing on the bear's chest and his eyes drifted up to Francis' father's smile.

"I won't take no for an answer," came his burly voice and Jayden rubbed his neck as he looked back at the baby, wondering where Francis had gone to and how long he'd be able to avoid him. He really didn't want to have to put up with another car ride with Francis. He shouldn't have come; now he was going to be stuck going back to a house he hoped he'd never have to see again. The prospect made his heart flutter and some part of his mind drew him to it like a moth to a flame.

It would be a euphoria tinged with sorrow, and pain, and nostalgia. Memories of lying on smooth floorboards, staring up at those blue-gray eyes as roar of the outside world seemed to die down to an almost absolute nothingness. Nothing else had mattered when he was in that room; not even their pasts or futures. Maybe he could have that back again.

"Okay, thank you, sir. I'll have to drop by my house though, to get some things."

"Shouldn't be a problem," he growled and the baby squirmed, making Jayden smirk quietly to himself. Maybe the baby would be at Francis' house tonight. He always did like playing with her, listening to her funny noises or carefree giggles, "Do you want to hold her?"

"What was that?" Jayden asked, his attention snapping back to the bigger bear. He hadn't seen her or held her in ages and Jayden wasn't even sure she'd remember him. Looking around inconspicuously, he saw that Tammy's parents had left the room, leaving only Francis' parents while Tammy and Francis still remained hidden.

"You've been staring at her since you got here, like you're too afraid to ask," Francis' father said, and Jayden just looked between the two of them nervously. Why was this so awkward? He'd held her countless times and he'd played with her just as much, but now he was afraid.

"Yea, sure," Jayden returned quietly and both of Francis' parents stood. After handing him the baby, they both disappeared into the kitchen, leaving him alone to sit on the couch. Cradling her in the crook of his arm, he looked down at her blue-gray eyes, just like Francis'. Playing with her hand, she wrapped her fingers around his one as best she could.

He loved this baby like they were actually related, but he was nothing to her. All she was to him was a symbol that he could never have Francis, but he couldn't be mad at her. She was completely innocent in all of this. Francis and Jayden were the only ones who were at fault.

Blowing softly on her fur, she smiled and squeezed on his finger, making him feeling genuine happiness for the first time in ages. It was easy to forget pain when you held something so innocent in your arms. Looking up, he saw Tammy standing over him, smiling down at the baby, sending curiously dirty looks at Jayden when her eyes traveled over to his. He could feel his stomach fall, so he tried to nonchalantly return his gaze to the baby as she continued smile playfully.

"Hey," Tammy said and Jayden felt his neck twitch as he clamped his jaw. He'd never actually talked with her after all this time, and he had no idea how to stay calm or sincere without blurting out the fact that he'd slept with her fiancé on many occasions. Her death stare was digging into his skin, making it crawl painfully, like he'd just been stuck in an oven. What did he care if he ruined Francis' relationship, because he obviously wasn't important to him anymore. No, it wasn't his call to do that to their child.

"Hi," Jayden said as he stood up and held someone else's child to his chest, feeling incredibly misplaced. He didn't belong at this party, he wasn't family, or even a family friend. He was just Francis' secret past. Tammy's preying eyes stared into the side of his face as he watched the baby look around over his shoulder, "so, how's the baby been?"

"Same as most babies, even though she still refuses to sleep for more than a few hours straight at night," Tammy said, twitching her arm slightly, like she wasn't comfortable with Jayden holding her daughter.

"It must be a little easier, at least," Jayden stated, passing off the baby to Tammy as her round face shifted into a look of confusion, an eyebrow raised above her deep brown eyes. The baby settled right back onto her mother's shoulder without so much as a squeak and Jayden looked between the two of them, unsure of what to say.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I haven't seen Francis in weeks, so I figured he was staying with you, to help with the baby."

"You haven't seen him, huh?" Tammy said, obviously hiding how distraught she was as rubbed the baby's back softly, despite the fact that she had already fallen asleep in spite of the noise, "I'll have to ask him about that, but he's been saying he stays at your house at least three days a week."

"Oh, well -"

"I'm going to go put Rose down to take a nap, you can go find Francis wherever he is. I have no clue where he is, since I don't see him anymore and it's obvious he has to lie to me about everything."

Tammy turned and glided out of the room, her anger propelling her as she cut into the heavy air. Jayden just stood alone before the couch, running his hands through his headfur, wondering what the hell had just happened. He didn't know if it bothered him more that he'd just started even more turmoil between Tammy and Francis, or that Francis was staying at some third parties house.

Feeling that the emptiness would close in on him and trap him with his thoughts, he traversed the white shag rug to join everyone in the kitchen. Both sets of parents, and what Jayden assumed were a few cousins sat around a small table, but neither Francis nor his brothers were anywhere to be seen. His eyes skated across the room and he didn't know what to do, since he didn't feel comfortable enough to just go exploring. Would they notice if he just disappeared out the front door? He could probably find enough money on the side of the street to take a bus back home.

"He's in the basement with Ryan and Josh," Jayden heard Francis' father to his left, and, blinking quietly to himself, he forced a smile as he was directed to a small hall hidden beside the fridge. He passed by everyone as silently and stealthily as he could, looking away as Tammy passed by him once more, no longer carrying the baby.

A cold air clung to the linoleum in the hall as Jayden looked out the opened side door onto the iced snow as it glistened in the sun. The staircase to the cellar lay behind a closed door, and the winter chill strangled his senses as he descended. He heard the sounds of music reverberating in his ears and he sighed silently as he saw Francis, his two brothers and some girl he'd never seen before.

If Tammy was as keen as him, she'd have known instantly that this was probably the third party that had remained unknown to Jayden for so long. This was the girl that Francis had forsaken him for so long ago. Fighting the urge to vomit, Jayden sat down in the only empty seat far to the side of them, looking at this girl with as neutral of a gaze as he could muster.

He saw the white fur of the wolf and the green eyes beneath the defiant wisps of fur, everything about her content to stand close beside Francis as she stared at the television, a plastic guitar in her hand. No one had even noticed his entrance, not even Francis' brother Josh who sat unoccupied on a dilapidated recliner, his feet resting on the dusty cement ground.

How could all of them be so willing to ignore the obvious proximity between Francis and whoever the hell this girl was? Jayden hated her and he didn't even know her name. Odds were she didn't even know his, because he probably had never even spoken of Jayden to her. Why would he? It'd make it harder to cheat.

Not that Francis was really cheating on him, and not that he even had a point in getting angry, because the bear had made it clear that they were never an item. This was his new best friend, and everyone around him was fine with this. Even Ryan and Josh, both of whom he'd treated like brothers; helping them without reservation, setting up entertainment centers and rebuilding computers.

Francis sat behind a fake set of drums and Ryan held a fake microphone, singing a fake song, as everyone in the room pretended to be something they weren't, somewhere other than where they were. Even as the songs ended, Jayden's mouth had yet to move in a response to any sort of greeting, so he just rest his head in his hand, looking anywhere other than Francis and this mystery girl.

Minutes passed and Jayden idly fiddled with his phone, repeatedly checking his email, despite no longer having any friends. He had no messages on any of the stupid little websites he went on, his bank account hadn't mysteriously gained or lost any money, and he'd beat about ten games of solitaire by the time he heard Francis' mother voice call down the stairs.

Jayden didn't know what she said, but he didn't put away his phone as everyone else went up the stairs. Francis' hand pat his shoulder and all Jayden could think to do was raise an eyebrow as the bear walked up the stairs last. Shaking it off, he went back to some boring strategy game that was probably better suited for someone half his age; at least it was better then appearing lonely to the darkness.

"Hey, man," came Francis' voice and Jayden just grunted to his phone, hoping the bear would just abandon him again. The voice echoed around in his head, recalling the more painful things that Francis had said in the past. There was nothing he could say to redeem himself, so there was no reason for Jayden to hope he would, "Are you coming up?"

"For?"

"Rose is awake, so everyone else is going to have some cake."

"I'm still feeling sick, so I'm just going to stay down here a while," Jayden lied, not even bothering to look up from his phone. Insulting Francis was the last thing he cared about right now. To be honest, he was partly hoping that he was hurting his feelings, because at least he'd be working towards his revenge.

"You could come upstairs and say hi to the baby," Francis offered, adopting his mocking, condescending voice that was so full of sweetness that it made him sick. And, to think, he used to love it when Francis talked to him like this, because once upon a time, his words actually had some weight.

"My head is pounding, and, besides, I already held the baby for a while today," Jayden said, turning off his phone and standing to replace it into his pocket, shooting daggers at Francis with his eyes. Who did he think he was to ask anything of Jayden?

"When?"

"When I first got here and you ran off to join whatever her name is."

"Who?"

"Your other other lover."

"Audrey?" Francis asked, looking thoroughly confused as Jayden dug his hands into his back pockets, listening to the ruckus and the clatter of the small party going on upstairs. It was just loud enough to sink it's claws into his building migraine and blur the edges of his thoughts as he fought to find that words that meant what he wanted to express.

"I don't fucking know her name. You ditch me for her one night and I've barely seen you or your lying ass since," Jayden spat, flinging his arms out of his pockets and up into the air, trying to emote his anger. All he got for his show was a confused glance and a painful rush of blood to his head.

"Why are you getting all offensive?" Francis folding his arms in front of his chest, covering whatever vague lettering was printed across the deep red sweatshirt. His face was just as passive as ever, his eyes leeching on Jayden's resolve. A chorus of joyous singing shook the floorboards above them, echoing down the cement foundation walls. Everyone who meant anything to Francis was sitting upstairs, unaware of the fact that a large part of his past was always left unnoticed.

"Why the fuck do you think I'm on the offensive? I'm everything to you one day, and now I'm nothing more than an afterthought. I loved you, Francis, and then you fucked it up."

"Jayden, you are everything to me, but you know what I'm going through. What was I supposed to do? There's nothing I can do. If I were with you, then I'd never get to see Rose. You should be happy that I'm being responsible and spending time with my daughter."

"That is a fucking lie," Jayden shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Francis, easily throwing the guilt back at him. There was no way that he was going to let him get away with this without taking some responsibility for what he'd done, "I talked to Tammy. Apparently, you're staying at my house three days a week, at least?"

"I never told her that. I told her I was staying out. I never told her where."

"Well, that does make sense. It must be easier for her to be in denial that you're cheating on her with a guy than with some girl you met getting high," Jayden growled, stopping himself as he paced around the splintered wooden table. Rubbing the side of his head, he tried to force the pain clustering around his head to retreat, but the heat was rising in his face as the blood rushed through him, and he got lost in the sting.

"I told you, Jayden, she's just a friend," Francis pleaded, but Jayden didn't want to hear it. If she was just a friend, he wouldn't be getting so offended. And, it didn't matter, like his mother had always said, once a cheater, always a cheater.

"I really wish I could believe a word you say, Francis. I really wish I fucking could. What does she have that I don't? What does she do that I didn't? She looks just like me, it can't be that. What is it, Francis?" Jayden grunted, on the verge of tears, but he couldn't do it, he wouldn't do it. He could feel years of regret and months of rejection welling up behind his eyes, but Francis didn't deserve the tears.

"I don't know what you're getting so upset about, she isn't anything to me."

"So, that's what it is? She doesn't love you like I do? You can have your fun without anything to complicate it?"

"Jayden -"

"Just go upstairs. Your girlfriends must miss you."

Pulling out his phone, he collapsed back into the chair, once again checking his email as Francis loomed behind him. His long shadow was cast on the arm of the chair while Jayden scrolled up and down on his phone, trying to keep his head clear. He just wanted him to turn and leave like he always did. Footsteps receded up the steps and a door closed, allowing Jayden to drop his phone into his lap so he could finally bury his head into his hands.

He didn't cry. He didn't even want to cry. Someone had reached into his head and flipped a switch, making him unable to feel anything, to think anything. Why couldn't it just be like this everyday? It was like he'd been hurt so much that he'd raised his pain threshold to the point where nothing hurt anymore. He could feel the room spinning around his head, and he could hear the emotions electrifying the air around him, but it meant nothing to him. Why couldn't he be normal? Why couldn't he move past this? Why couldn't he just let go, just like everyone else?

Francis was clear in his intent to keep everything the same. Love was an accident to him. Love ruined the simplicity of life and it destroyed his chances of a cheap thrill. Love was all chocolates, and flowers, and B-grade movies. But, most of all, it was caring about someone else before yourself, and Francis wasn't capable of that.

Everything was dying down, returning the house to a quiet emptiness. He could hear the old pipes rattling and clanking as chairs were moved back around the house, trying to return everything to it's former calm. Now that Jayden could finally hear his thoughts, he wished they would just go away again. He just wanted to flip the switch, and return to his brighter past. He just wanted to push Francis up against the wall and kiss him until that's all he could feel. He just wanted to feel like everything was alright.

"My father wants to know if you're ready," Francis' voice came from the bottom of the stairs. Jayden hadn't even heard him descend, despite the complete silence.

"For what?" Jayden asked, picking up his head from his hands, his face instantly growing hot from a debilitating depression and pointless anger. No matter what emotion he felt, not one of them could fix this.

"He said he was giving you a ride," Francis answered quietly, his voice full of embarrassment and regret. He'd felt it before, he'd expressed it before, but he'd never meant it before. Why couldn't he just care like Jayden did? God, Jayden was getting sick of all these 'whens' and 'whys' and 'what ifs'.

"Oh, yea," Jayden mumbled, pulling himself up from the seat that had so comfortably molded to his tense body. He'd love to get lost in the cushion and never have to worry about moving again. In the dead air, he could hear Francis' quiet breath and feel the way it gently rocked the air, but Jayden just closed his eyes as the room continued to spin around him.

"Jayden," Francis muttered as he walked by him, but he tried his best to ignore the bear. He wouldn't be sucked into his lies again, not even as he used his fake sincerity and pretty words, "Jayden, please, will you just listen to me?"

Francis' hand brushed along the side of his forearm, making Jayden shutter as he stopped and bit his lip. He said he wouldn't do it, he said he wouldn't stop, but he was being drawn into Francis' empty eyes, even after everything he'd done to him.

"What, Francis?"

"I'm being honest, Jayden, I promise. She isn't anything to me. She'll never mean as much to me as you do," Francis said, pressing his folded arms against his chest as he shrugged weakly. Jayden shook his head weakly, his lip twitching as he stared past Francis' beautiful facade. All he was doing was manipulating him and Jayden didn't even understand why Francis still cared if he was around, "What can I do or say to make you believe that?"

"You fall out of love with me, then you disappear from my life, and now you expect a few words are going to make up for all of that?" Jayden said, looking between Francis' eyes as he bit his lip softly, letting his teeth run along the soft flesh that used to be pressed against the bear's. Back then, he never would have believed his mouth was capable of such lies.

"I never stopped loving you, and I didn't mean to disappear, I just don't know what to do. I just know that I don't want to lose you," Francis said slowly, but Jayden just smiled angrily with a slight laugh, shaking his head harshly at the words that passed through his ears.

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? Do you even have any idea how stupid you make me sound? Why do you even care what I do anymore?" Jayden said as he continued to laugh through the pain, trying his best to fight the feelings that were rushing in.

"I care because you're the best friend I've ever had and probably ever will have. I swear that if you give me another chance, things will change. I'll put you first, I promise," Francis muttered, looking at his thumbs as he twirled them around slowly.

"Francis, I'm the best friend you ever had. I'm done with you. I believed you the first time, but I'm not stupid enough to do it again," Jayden spat, turning to walk up the stairs, his final glance leaving Francis' shoulders to drop, his eyes dark in the faint basement light.

The daylight he'd seen when he first walked into the basement was disappearing below the horizon and Jayden walked through the side door with a sigh, hoping to completely avoid Tammy. A low creak filled the waxing darkness as the cold air surrounded him once again and he walked around to the front of the house, where Francis' father idled in the car. Everyone else had left and Jayden assumed that Francis' mother had left with her two other sons.

The door to the battered Century opened with a creak and Jayden sat on the torn seat with a faint smile. He didn't feel happy in the slightest, but all his years of acting and hiding behind his video games allowed him to pretend his was at peace, both for his sake and the sake of others. Another person sympathy was the last thing he needed right now, because all it would do is remind him that he just lost the biggest part of his life.

"I didn't see you the whole time we were here," Francis' father said as the car pulled onto the empty side road. Jayden felt the vibrations of the idling car run up his thighs and through his chest as Francis' father looked at him with a polite, yet concerned smile.

"I wasn't trying to be rude or anything, I'm just not feeling too good. It must have been something I ate this morning," Jayden lied, as he lowered his eyes to look at the dashboard, watching the change rattle and dance across. The setting sun was filtering through the trees to their back as they drove down the highway, and the further he got away from Francis, the more he felt his heart settle back in his chest.

"You're a horrible liar," he said as his eyes broke away from the road to look Jayden up and down as he sat strapped into the chair with nowhere to run, as he mentally prepared for what could be the most awkward game of twenty questions he'd ever had to endure, "I offered to take you out to eat because I knew you hadn't eaten yet."

"I really did eat this morning," Jayden said as he extended all his fingers to study them nervously, making Francis' father turn his eyes back to the road as he switched lane. He wasn't even sure if he was lying or not, because he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. It wasn't that he was starving himself, he just never had a hunger that he needed to sate.

"You wouldn't be shaking quite as bad as your are now, or your stomach wouldn't have growled quite as bad as it did earlier if you weren't hungry. Now, where do you want to eat?" Francis' father asked and Jayden looked up just in time to see a light grin split his muzzle. Rubbing his neck, the wolf averted his eyes and looked out the window, his mind unable to register the world outside. He could see the familiar store fronts outside his house, but the names didn't make any sense and his mouth couldn't even recall the taste of foods he'd eaten in the past.

"Any where's fine, I guess," Jayden mumbled and he felt the car tug him to the side as they turned into a parking lot. Leaning against the arm rest of the door, he saw the logo of a fast food restaurant he saw on television everyday. A few car's windshields glistened in the faint twilight and the frozen pavement shone with the light of the streetlights as Jayden stepped out of the car.

"So, what's been wrong with you today?" Francis' father asked as the low rumbling of his car died off, his question punctuated by the slamming of Jayden's door. Leaning against the trunk of the car, Jayden studied his own feet as he tried to come up with something to say, because he was sure he couldn't say that he was being bled dry by his son.

"I don't even know," Jayden mumbled as he walked through the door that was being held open for him. With a sigh, he felt the warm, pungent air of the room fill his lungs and, still lost in his thoughts, he blindly followed the bear into the empty line. The brightly colored menu glared down at him, but it may as well have been in a different language, because as he rest on the bar, he couldn't read a single thing it said.

"Well, it wasn't me you were avoiding, or my wife. And, it definitely wasn't the baby, because I saw the look in your eye when you held her. That leaves me with an idea of who it is."

"You'd probably be right," Jayden grumbled as he held his cup under the drink fountain. He had no idea what he'd been ordered to eat, but now that Francis' father was trying to get into such a personal matter, he had a feeling he wouldn't have to force himself to eat whatever it was. Not only would the food finally shut his stomach up, but it would be a good distraction when he didn't feel like answering questions.

"What'd my son do this time?"

"It's really stupid," Jayden mumbled as he lounged at the nearest table, waiting for their order to be done. They were the only ones here, but their food wasn't being made fast enough for his liking. He just wanted to eat and leave, because he never would have come if he knew that he'd end up explaining to Francis' father that he had been in a relationship with his son.

There was a long pause as Jayden insisted on walking to the counter to grab the meals that he hadn't paid for. No one had bought him anything in months and it felt wrong having to say thank you to someone. Francis' father handed him a burrito wrapped in yellow paper and Jayden accepted half-heartedly; his stomach knew he needed to eat, but even thinking of Francis, or the way he ignored him for Audrey, or the memory of his eyes as Jayden walked out of the house repressed even the faintest of desires to.

"Francis has always taken advantage of people, and I feel horrible saying that about my own son, but it's true. But, I guess that's what happens when you're the youngest of three boys and the only one you can relate to moves on and the other gets babied by your mother."

"There's nothing you could have done," Jayden said, mostly to himself as he finished chewing the burrito which had had poured half a hot sauce packet on. It's not that he didn't like the taste, it was that hot sauce had always made it easier for food to settle in his stomach, possibly because he couldn't taste what it was he was swallowing.

"It's probably more my fault than I like to admit, because I didn't try harder to be there for him and I left him to grow up alone. Hindsight is twenty-twenty though, isn't it?"

Jayden didn't respond as he continued the boring and repetitive motions of eating. He pretended to be thinking deeply, even though the words were running through his head as slowly as molasses. He was tired of thinking everything through from every angle, trying to find a lie that allowed him to cope with all his mistakes. For once, he wanted to make a mistake and learn from it.

But, he couldn't deny that Francis' father was probably right. Jayden knew as well as anyone that a bad childhood could fog up the glasses you used to see the world. He didn't have a father for much of his teenage years, and his mother was absent almost as much, so here he was obsessively trying to make someone who didn't want him anymore love him again. Why couldn't he have gotten Francis the first time, so he wouldn't have to fight with Tammy for his affection? Why couldn't the cards have been played a little differently, allowing him to win for once?

"I've been thinking a lot about Francis lately. About what he's doing with his life. Josh has a wife and his own house, Ryan is going to be living in my basement until he's forty and finally gets abducted by the mothership, but Francis, he's twenty with a kid and nowhere to go, emotionally or physically," Francis' father said as he watched Jayden fold up the wrapper his burrito came in, making sure each crease made a perfectly straight line.

This was the only person in the world who had ever talked to him like Francis actually had feelings; like Francis was actually someone with hopes, and dreams, and disappointments. Jayden had always been the one to argue that Francis was a good person and there was something hidden deep beneath his seemingly shallow skin, but now that the argument was being posed to him, he didn't know if he believed it.

Francis had a certain way about him, some undefinable allure that made Jayden feel like he was the only person in his world, even when all they were doing was fighting. It something that made him feel important despite all the mistakes he'd made along the way. But, he was a horrible friend. He lied, he manipulated, and he went into everything thinking about what he could possibly get out of it, be it a house to stay in, someone to sleep with, or someone to take money from. The thing that bothered Jayden the most about Francis was that there was never any sincerity in the way he apologized, be it the first time, or the last time.

"What do you mean?" Jayden asked, using the small rectangle to push his empty sauce packets around the tray as he felt a set of blue eyes bare down on him. He was sure that Francis' father meant well by what he was doing, but it felt even more awkward talking to Francis' father than it did talking to his own mother.

"You can't really talk to your brothers about your feelings, or to your parents about love, or your fiancée about your fears. His mother is too hard on him, and, I really shouldn't be telling you this, but Tammy yells at him so much that I wonder how or why they're still together."

"Yea," Jayden said, taking a sip from his soda as he felt his mouth turn dry. His heart told him to apologize to Francis, his head told him to forget him, and now Francis' father was hinting that Jayden needed to stay with him, while everyone else in his life hated the fact that he ever met Francis. His soda was watered down, but he really hadn't expected anything else from a run-down fast food place at the end of the day, "I already know all about him and Tammy."

"I know he asks a lot of you, but that's because you're the only one he can really lean on. I've tried to be there for him, but no one wants to talk to their father. When he finally told me he was bisexual, I truly didn't care, because, in secret, I hoped he could find someone who would truly understand him."

The heat in Jayden's face was rising as he leaned his elbows on the edge of the table and traced the small designs on the tray with his claw. He wanted to just get up and leave the conversation now, but he didn't want to be disrespectful to someone who had taken him in like another son. Jayden just didn't know where Francis' father got off asking him to stick with someone who didn't requite his love or even look at him as anything other than a bank account.

He did feel bad, though. For what he'd said to Francis, because it was a lie. He had been and still was his best friend, even if they'd both gotten lost along the way. Jayden just knew he'd never be able to separate all the feelings and be just friends, because his heart would always tell him to hold him, or kiss him, or love him. Francis' father was right, Jayden was all Francis really had, and, as screwed up as everything was, Francis was all Jayden had. Everyone else had abandoned them and they were stuck to flow along the river together. Could Francis still make him happy, or was he just deluding himself?

"I hope I'm not being pretentious," Francis' father continued as they sat at the silent table in the corner, not caring who overheard Jayden's complicated predicament. "You just make him the happiest I've ever seen him, even if he has a hard time showing it. And, as a parent, all I want is him to be happy, whatever that means. The first time you guys were friends, I thought you were together, but what happened?"

"He wasn't comfortable with liking guys, so he went after this girl named Grace. He kind of just pulled away from me and we stopped talking after that."

"You know, I secretly hoped you two were together. Even before he told me, I saw something different between you two. I love my son and I love my granddaughter more than anything, but I can't hide the fact that this isn't what I had hoped for him."

"I'm sorry, sir," Jayden said, looking up at Francis' father for the first time since they'd decided to sit at this dirty, rice covered table, "but I'm not really sure what you're expecting of me."

"I'm not expecting anything," Francis' father said with a grin that sent a slight anger shooting down his spine. He had no idea how much pain Francis had caused him, yet he was asking him to try and make his son happy? "I'm just trying to give an old bear's view on it with the hope that you'll do what's best for the both of you. I know Francis is stubborn, and more often than not, stupid, but I also know you're strong. I just don't want to see him miserable and stuck because of something he couldn't have seen coming."

Jayden slid himself from the rotating seat and ran his fingertips along the table, grabbing his drink so he could replace it onto the tray. He watched the ring of water spread along the paper napkins as he just stood there silently, not quite prepared to leave. It felt like he was propelling faster to something horrible, or painful, or that he felt he could postpone. But, the longer he waited, the more he hurt.

"I'm not trying to be rude, sir, but I've tried for almost a year now. He's just sure he's doing the right thing. I'm sorry, but I'm done."

With a sigh, Francis' father stacked Jayden's tray on top of his own and brought them to the garbage. He didn't like upset or angry, he actually looked more ashamed and confused, like he was unsure what he was doing asking someone to help his son cheat on his fiancée. Francis' father just hadn't come to the same acceptance that Jayden had, that Francis was no more with Tammy than Jayden was. It wasn't even that Francis cared about Tammy more than Jayden; it was that Francis didn't care about anyone, including himself.

"That's what I was afraid of. I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable or sound like a blundering fool, because you really are part of the family, Jayden, even if Francis doesn't think so. Maybe someday Francis will see how great of a guy you are."

"Maybe," Jayden mumbled, fighting the downward tug that he felt at the corner of his lips. The words didn't really mean anything to him, because, it finally fit. Jayden would never be anything, Francis would never see anything, and neither of them would ever feel the same way again. It was done, it was through. It was over.

They walked to the car after the restaurant door chimed shut and Jayden felt a hand clap on his shoulder as he went to the passenger side of the car. Everything in between the moment he sat down to the moment he got out of the car at Francis' house passed in a slow instant, even as he stopped at his house to grabbed his things. All the street lights and store fronts ran together into one big blur and Jayden wasn't even sure if it was because of his exhaustion, or if he was tearing up, but he didn't care anymore, because it was done. No matter how many times he repeated the words in his head, it always meant the same thing, regardless of how differently it sounded.

The same red car he'd seen at Tammy's house was parked in front of Francis' father and Jayden caressed it with his gaze as he made his way into the house. Audrey was here, and as he passed through the storm door, he could feel his heart sinking under the weight of the loud music thundering down the stairs. He exchanged a quiet, fleeting look with Francis' father, but he could see the slightest frown forming on the corner of his lips. They both felt horrible, but Jayden wasn't even sure why. It'd been coming to this point since it started.

Following the small streak of light that flooded from the kitchen into the dark living room, Jayden looked around the house like it was the memory of a life long since passed. It was all meaningless, because once again he felt so close Francis, yet so far away, and no matter what he'd try, he'd always feel that way. He looked at the big screen television with surround sound system that he'd set up for Francis' father, and then at the couch, making Jayden remember all the times he'd lain across it with his head in Francis' lap. In the far corner, resting atop a side table was a small urn and picture of an elderly looking women. He'd been there for that, too. He'd sat in the hospital waiting room while she lay dying, and he'd sat in Francis' bed, reminding him that there was still a tomorrow, no matter that happened today. He'd been there, even when Francis hadn't.

As he continued to look at the urn, Jayden began to think about his own grandmother, and everything that her death had taught him. Everyone deserved another chance to redeem themselves, no matter how bad they messed up, because sometimes that chance was the one that fixed everything. He wished he could still believe that.

How could they go through so much, but mean so little? Somewhere in there, he meant something and sometime ago, he'd felt something, but now, it was all lost in the swirling torrents.

Walking down the basement stairs, Jayden fought between the desire to go upstairs and apologize for the things he said, and to destroy the computer he'd built Francis, which was sitting right beside his father's. Kneeling with the speed of an elderly man, Jayden hit a quick succession of buttons on Francis' father's keyboard. With a faint beep, he saw the operating system's loading screen and he stood back up.

It'd been exactly the problem he'd thought it'd be, and, as such, he hadn't even needed to go home. The flash drive in his pocket was pointless, and the CDs in his hand were useless. Francis' father thanked him and commented about how fast he'd fixed it, but the words meant nothing. He'd quietly been hoping for a bigger problem that would distract him for at least an hour, but he had no such luck.

"Do you want a ride home?" Francis' father asked, and Jayden rubbed his palms together, his finger spread. Eventually stopping to lace his fingers, he opened his mouth to speak, but the words took a few seconds to form.

"I think I'll go ask Francis if he'll take me," Jayden said with a flicker of a smile, but Francis' father stood mute and his face remained blank. He didn't want to show his hope, or his concern, so Jayden just pretended he didn't see anything as he walked up the cellar stairs.

A warm air crowded the floor boards as he walked back through the living room. The pumping music that seeped out from under Francis' door and cascaded down the steps made Jayden's heart pound in his chest and the burrito rise in his stomach. His hand wrapped around the handrail and his finger quivered as it slid across the varnished wood while his feet went up one stair after another.

What sounded like low, muffled laughter filled the stairwell and Jayden brushed each finger across the other as he stood at the top of the stairs, three feet from Francis' half open door. What was he going to say if he even managed to get Francis by himself, without Audrey? I'm sorry I hate you and that I'm stuck on the fact that you don't love me anymore, and, by the way, I told Tammy that you've been lying to her the whole time. Why did Jayden even care, because would Francis even pay any attention?

Standing silhouetted in the doorway against the black backdrop of the empty hall and the low light from the overhead bulb, Jayden watched as Audrey rest her hand on Francis' thigh rubbing it gently. Her hand ran along the side of his muzzle, pulling his lips against hers and Jayden's heart sank like a weight, rooting him to the ground.

"At least you still have me," Audrey said in a faint whisper. They both opened their eyes as the wolf smiled, her green eyes staring into Francis', who seemed unable to remember when he'd used to kiss Jayden like that.

"Lucky for you, I got rid of him, so you don't have to worry about me trying to steal him back," Jayden spat, snapping out of the shock rather quickly as he turned his glare to Francis, who was scrambling to push Audrey off of him. She didn't try to stop him as she looked genuinely shocked herself.

"Jayden!" Francis shouted as he turned down the stairs, struggling to maintain his balance as the anger rushed to his head in a single painful moment. He didn't know what he was thinking that angered him, but he knew that he wanted to get as far away as possible. "Jayden! It's not what you're thinking, I swear! Jayden, please, you can trust me!"

"It's not what I think?" Jayden spat, spinning around on the hardwood step, fighting the feeling that dragged his head down toward the ground. Clutching the banister in his hand, he stared at Francis, maddened beyond comprehension by how easy it was for Francis to lie. He took a step back up the stairs and Francis cowered back slightly. "You've been pushing me further and further away, just for her, and now this? Do you honestly expect me to believe that this just happened out of chance? So, tell me, how the fuck is this not what I think it is?"

"Jayden, I don't like her like that, I told you. Please, believe me. Yes, I pushed you away for her. I didn't know what to do because I like you and there's nothing I can do, Jayden, she was just someone to talk to. You saw it, she came on to me, Jayden. You just walked in at the wrong time."

"What? Would you rather I had waited until you got your happy ending?" Jayden shouted, turning to go down the rest of the stairs, but he felt a hand clasp his arm to pull him back around. Pulling his arm out of Francis' grasp, he could see the bear shrinking under the deadly gaze.

"You have this all wrong. She followed me home because she was worried about me and didn't want me to do anything stupid. I don't know, I guess she thought kissing me would make me feel better, but it didn't mean anything to me, Jayden," Francis pleaded as Jayden studied the bears sunken, blood shot eyes and quivering muzzle, looking like he was on the verge of tears.

"Then tell me, Francis, what has her so worried about you? Was she afraid you were going to kill yourself? What possible reason could she have to be worried about you, when you're the one ruining everyone else's lives?"

"Tammy called off the engagement," Francis mumbled and Jayden just watched him, wishing his heart could believe Francis, wishing he could forgive him and take him back, but he'd lied one too many times.

"Francis, after everything you've done to us, your ass deserved to be dumped."

"Jayden -"

"Just drop it," Jayden growled, not even caring that Francis' parents would overhear him, because everything that was being said was true, and it was pointless to hide it, "you fucked up and I'm not going to forgive you for this one. Just do the world a favor and kill yourself; maybe that way I'll be the last one whose heart you can break."

Francis collapsed on the step behind him, and feeling no regret, or heartache, or emotion, he walked down the stairs but as he rest his hand on the cold doorknob, the frequent stitch of pain returned to his mind. Looking back up into the half darkness, he could see the bear's face pressed into the side wall, resisting the urge to cry.

"Jayden," Francis whispered as the door opened with a faint creak and the wolf looked up to him to see that he hadn't even lifted his head, but instead spoke to the wall, "I know you don't owe me anything, and you probably don't want to ever have to talk to me again, but, please, don't tell Tammy."

"If she's as stupid as I am, she wouldn't even believe me if I told her."

As he walked out the door and into the frozen world, he didn't know who had been lying all those months ago; be it Becca or Francis. Had Francis really made a move on her, or had she been trying to get Jayden out of the picture? No matter what way he looked at it, something didn't seem to fit right, and no matter what way he looked at it, Francis was cheating on him now and he had been cheating on him then.

Whatever had happened, he didn't care, because at least now, he had a reason to hate Francis, and a reason to move on. Finally, he could start to forget.