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Back in high school, I somehow managed to cultivate friendships with the lowerclassmen. It happened every year; when I was a sophomore, I made friends with the freshmen. When I was a junior, those freshmen became sophomores and I made friends with the new freshmen. I never had any close friends in my own class, at least until I was a senior.

During my high school days, particularly my junior and senior years, I developed a bit of a reputation for being the guy that always brought card games to school. In particular, Cards Against Humanity. The teachers absolutely hated the fact that I would always break the game out before school and during lunch hours because it was an adult game. But, weirdly enough, I never got in any trouble for it; not even with the Dean.

Anyways, my last year of high school was very weird. They were trying out different ways to break up the bell schedule. In my first three years, every period was exactly 45 minutes with 5 minutes in between the bells. For my senior year, they did something different. In the middle of the day, there was a 2-hour allocated block for lunch. One hour was dedicated to a regular class period; 45 minutes of lecture, and 15 minutes where we'd stay in the classroom, but it was basically a small study hall. At the same time, there would be two 30-minute blocks for lunch for a set group of students. When the first hour was up, it would reverse; the students that had a lunch period would go to their next class, and those that were in class would go to one of the set lunch periods. (Yeah, I don't understand why they did this either.)

My schedule was as follows: For the first hour, I'd have my English class, which would last 45 minutes, then we'd spend the other 15 minutes doing anything else. When the second hour hit, I would immediately go to lunch, which would last 30 minutes. When that was over, I had to go to a class called "Intervention", which was a fancy word for "Study Hall".

In my Intervention class, for the first semester, I would sit at a table in the corner with the Harvey twins and some Asian girl whose name I forgot. I didn't know them well, so I would just listen to music on my phone while the class went on.

During the second semester, I somehow made some friends with this group of girls that sat in the middle of the class. One of them was short, but she had a mean streak. We're gonna call her Kristy. The thing with Kristy was that she was a nice person, but occasionally she would just take your shit and just hit you with it, especially if she was mad. Another girl, whom we're gonna call Tessa, she wore glasses, she was a junior, and she was the girl that I went to my graduation party with (which will be another storytime). Another girl, we'll call her Kelly; this lady was obsessed with the remake of Beauty & the Beast and coloring. She loved to color and sketch. And finally, this one girl who we'll refer to as Myra. This girl mostly stayed to herself; she worked on her homework a lot, but she would join our conversations now and then.

Now, we get to the friend who's the main subject of this story. He's a guy. I forget how I met him; I'd like to believe I met him through a mutual friend of ours. This guy was short, he was a junior, and like me, he was bisexual. We're gonna call this guy DJ.

Oh... fucking DJ...

This guy was absolutely batshit crazy. But he was hilarious, too. He would always crack jokes and tell these convoluted stories that you just couldn't help but laugh, or at the very least look at him sideways like, "... the fuck?" One of his infamous stories was that he legitimately said to my face that he once had sex with a trash bag. I'll say it again in case you thought you may have read that wrong.

This motherfucker had sex with a trash bag!

And not just any trash bag; his fucking laundry bag! Of course, when I heard this story, I busted out laughing. Not only did he stoop low in order to satisfy his... "urges", but then he had the nerve to go and tell people about it. I certainly wouldn't tell people that I fucked a plastic bag. There was another story that he took his homecoming date and they had sex in one of the science labs.

Needless to say, me and the girls usually poked fun at him because of the stories that he would tell. Nothing too crazy, but just little, itty-bitty shit. "Hey DJ, look, they're changing out that trash bag; but you're already thinking about that, huh?" I know, we were ain't-shit people in high school.

Now, sometime after Christmas break, the box I used for Cards Against Humanity fell apart and I could no longer bring the game to school. So over the next few weeks, I would bring over games to play with my friends during our downtime. Eventually, we settled on a game called Rory's Story Cubes. The premise is that you roll a bunch of pictured dice and you have to make up a story that uses every picture rolled. It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to use all the pictures.

I showed this game to the girls in my Intervention class, and next thing you know, we were playing that game all the time. Sometime in the second semester, DJ switched his Intervention class to be in the same one as mine. As a result, he would join a lot of our games as well.

One day, we were playing a game, and DJ rolled a picture of a key. He told a good story, but he couldn't figure out how to incorporate the key into the ending of his story. Me, being the little jackass I am, said, "It would probably end with the key being shoved up your butt."

The girls busted out laughing, but only after DJ agreed with me. He was bisexual, and he told us once before that he experimented with putting things in the backdoor. Of course, after this, every time we rolled the picture of a key, we would set it aside until the very end, and we would always finish the story with, "... And DJ shoves this key up his ass."

This joke never got old. For the rest of the semester, we would absolutely tease him about shoving keys up his asshole. DJ did start to get annoyed with it, but that just somehow made it even funnier, seeing him pissed off; probably because he was the one that partly created this joke, saying that he wasn't against butt play. He didn't have to agree with me; that's all I'm saying!

Fast forward a month or so. One day, I woke up with back spasms. Which meant that trying to talk around, or sit or stand for too long was going to be painful, and it sucked even worse that it was a two mile walk to the school. Throughout the day, my back was killing me. It was hard getting up and down the stairs, trying to walk down the long hallway, and standing up from a sitting position.

When I get to my Intervention class, I break out the Story Cube game with the group of girls and DJ. Sure enough, once or twice, the picture of the key came up and we would save it for last to make our ending punchline.

Towards the end of the Intervention class, we're hanging around the door, ready to leave once the bell rang. A couple of the girls are talking, and I'm talking with DJ. I was showing him a new keychain I had gotten from my sister the Christmas prior to this. He took a closer look, and while he does this, I jokingly state, "Just careful about my house keys; I don't want them being shoved up your ass, too."

This made him mad. He stepped up to me and said, "Oh, you think that's so funny?" And before he does anything else, he jumps up onto my back and tries to grab me around my shoulders.

The first thing I remember was pain; a sharp pain shot up my back and I loudly groaned, "Aaaah!"

Here's my dilemma; even though DJ was tough, I was a lot bigger and stronger than him. If we ever got into an actual fistfight, I could easily take him down, no questions asked. But, we're in the middle of our Intervention class; the teacher is literally five feet away sitting at his desk. If I fought this guy, I would get into major trouble with the school, and that was the last thing I needed when I was so close to graduation night.

I don't want to get into a fight, but I needed to think of a way to get this clinging junior off my back (quite literally). In the few seconds I had to think, I decided to spin the situation around and try to make this guy laugh again.

I stopped trying to throw him off of me, I held out my arms and I said, "Woah, woah, woah, stop... wait... I think you fixed my back, man."

DJ was confused for a second, so I explained to him that my back was sore all day, but after he jumped on top of me, I couldn't feel anything anymore.

Weirdly enough, it works. DJ gets off of me, and starts laughing, saying, "Well, I didn't intend to do that." After that, nothing else happened. The bell rang, we left the classroom. It was only 1pm, but since I was a senior and didn't have any classes the rest of the day, I was allowed to go straight home. Of course, during the walk home, I'm wincing and cursing to myself because my back was in fact in even more pain after this guy jumped me.

I suppose I did deserve it for making jokes like that, but at the same time, the whole ridiculousness of the situation still made it hilarious to all of us. After this happened, we'd still bring up the key joke, but he didn't get so butthurt about it.

I actually forgot all this really even happened up until a few weeks ago. I've seen DJ around Newark because he worked at a local supermarket. Every time I was there, he would come up to me and we would talk for a few minutes. We wouldn't joke around as much since we were around complete strangers, but he still had that chaotic energy about him. Last I heard from him, he met up with this chick from London and that they were going to find an apartment together and try to move out of Ohio. I haven't seen him since; I do not know if he actually did leave Ohio or who this British lady was.

That's my story for the week, hope you guys got a laugh out of it. Lord knows I certainly did; I broke out in laughter several times writing this transcript. The moral of this story is, if you don't want to be teased about something for a good while, then don't tell people about it. Until then, don't forget to leave the keys where we can all see them on the way out, and I'll see you guys on the next entry.

Toni Q. McAlister

March 8th, 2021