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Chapter 10

"Okay," Nola said, arms crossed. My metal arm lay across the desk behind her, plates removed so she could get at its guts and fix what I'd doubtless jarred loose throwing it against the wall months ago. A bit of some unidentifiable green liquid stained her snout right next to her nose. She'd have looked cute, if not for the deadly glare she was giving me. "I'm a little lost."

"W-which part lost you?" I asked, though I suspected the answer already. "Editing the ledger, or getting off the ship?"

"I'm lost," Nola said, paws steepled as she leaned against her knees, eyes boring holes through my head, "where nutting inside our mother fits into this whole scheme."

My face heated, and I fidgeted my feet, but I didn't look away. She'd already grilled me three times today about it, and countless times in the last week, seeming to get angrier and angrier every time she brought it up. I'd already apologized, what more did she want? And frankly, why was I apologizing? We weren't exclusive! And she was my sister, so the fact that she was our mother shouldn't have even been a factor, lest she drown in hypocrisy.

"I'm not going over this again, Nola," I snapped. "Drop it."

Nola stood up, now eye to eye with me, and jabbed a finger into my chest. "She. Tried. To kill. Our babies!" She pushed me, hard. "I will not fucking drop it!"

"Were you not listening to me??" I yelled. "I told you why! She knew I had Sight! The twins are fine!"

"I don't give a fuck why," Nola snarled. "And they are not fine! Val is fucking blind!"

"I know that, asshole!" I balled my one paw into a fist, though I wasn't stupid or angry enough to use it. Even if I could get that angry at my sister--and it would take a lot--I would never use it. She was easily the better fighter of the two of us. Even with Sight, I'd be hard-pressed to find an advantage one-armed, and I couldn't know what memories it would cost me. The thought made me shiver. "But Val's blindness has nothing to do with Mom--"

"So she's 'Mom' now?" Nola said quietly. Her face--particularly her eyes--were much, much louder. "Not Geist? Makes sense. Sounded like she liked being called 'Mom' while you blew your load in her. Does she make you call her that every time, or just special occasions?"

I did look away at that. That had been weird. The fact that it turned me on had been weirder. "It was just the once, Nola. You _know_that. Fucking Hells."

"I don't know anything with you. You put your dick in the woman that tried to kill me, tried to kill our kittens. How could you?"

"She panicked, Nola," I said. The heat was out of me now. All that was left was shame. Shame, because I knew, deep down, she was right. I'd given a pass to the woman who nearly murdered our unborn children. "She was scared of Father's stupid prophecy." I looked back up at her. Nola's form wavered, and I blinked away tears. "Please just talk to her?"

Nola clenched her paws into fists, her limbs shaking with fury, her own eyes streaming tears. "No," she spat in a quivering voice. "I will not speak to that monster. I will not forgive her. And I will not forgive you. Go find another prison cell to sleep in. You're not welcome in this one."

My mouth fell open as something cold and jagged tore through my chest. "Nollie--please--I'm sorry! Don't--"

"Out!" she screamed. The twins immediately woke from their nap and began wailing fearfully. Nola swept them up into her arms with practiced ease, keeping her back to me. I take it as a credit to myself that I managed to keep from bawling until I got out and down into the cargo hold. I threw open the hatch to the bilges, but I didn't quite get it shut behind me before I started sobbing. As soon as I was in, I collapsed against the slimy, mildew-slicked walls and shook violently in the cold dark.

There were sixpeople I cared about more in the world than my own life. That was it. Just six, and two of them I'd never even met. Three of them were in a cabin sixty feet away as the crow flies, but might as well have been thousands of miles away, on the other side of the walls of the Pit, for all the good it did me. Nola had turned her back on me. In sixteen years, I don't remember her ever doing that. We'd argued before, but she'd always faced me when she did it. I felt like I was dead to her.

I wanted to be dead.

I deserved to be dead.

* * *

Whatever Nola thought was going on between Mom and me, she was wrong. After our tryst, Captain Geist couldn't even look me in the eye. It had become an open secret on the Fang what had happened--Mom hadn't exactly been quiet. My duties as bosun were still suspended, lumping more work on the already stretched-thin Itsuo. Half his gazes at me were pitying, the other half irritated that I'd repaid his kindness by sticking him with more work. I was kicked out of my cage by Nola, and Mom was not about to offer me her bed again, so I wound up sleeping in the cargo hold most nights with the rest of the crew. That was awkward as Hells, let me tell you. At least they all thought better of bringing the incident up, but it was hard to sleep most nights just from the uncomfortable silence among the crew in my presence. Twice I actually slept in the bilges; I felt like such spectacular shit that I decided I deserved to sleep among it.

Three weeks after Nola kicked me out, Mom finally approached me. "Clean up," she snapped, still not looking at me. She didn't look so hot herself --clothes rumpled, eyes bloodshot, one ear clean and upright while the other bent slightly and missed small patches of fur. And her beloved tricorne hat was missing. Still, I supposed I didn't look any better. "You smell like a corpse. Be at the map table in ten."

I blinked. I'd been staring morosely out over the placid waters, feeling a little queasy. We were stalled--the autumn air had fallen quiet across the sea, leaving us sitting nearly motionless. The lack of movement was weirding me out after a year of nearly incessant daily rocking. "Wh... what?"

Geist made eye contact, and I wished she hadn't. My pants tented slightly, and she bit her lip. "Map table," she breathed, turning away. The shame in her eyes mirrored my own. "Ten."

"Aye, captain," I mumbled, staring at my feet. Gods, I was the fucking worst.

I found a bucket and sponge and cleaned up as best I could. When I entered Geist's cabin, my M-steel arm rested in a chair by the door. My mother nodded to it. "She told Belle you left it," she said as coolly as she could. "Might as well wear it. You'll need it soon."

"Am I still a prisoner?" I asked, unable to hide my bitterness.

"Only if you still want to leave," Geist said nonchalantly.

I felt my teeth creak, I ground them so hard. But she was right about the arm. I would need it soon. She had no idea how much. I looked at it like a feral viper coiled to strike, but I finally plucked it out of the chair and attached it. The familiar hiss of escaping air made me recoil, until I came to my senses and remembered it wasn't_actually_ a feral viper.

Itsuo and Geist were already leaning over the table. Geist had small, heavy steel pieces set on the map table, and a rusty geometric compass in hand, markingout lines on the map with her finger and setting down metal pieces drawn from a heavy leather pouch nailed to the side of the table. One piece, crudely shaped like a double-mast ship, was the Sea Fang. According to the map, we were deep in the Kastigan Sea. The Cheronigon Ocean was easily three weeks away, meaning both the main Republic continents of Meridia and Verigos were at least two months' voyage from here. Only the sparsely populated and heavily fortified military bases lining the shores of Caspar to the south was anywhere near close. Somewhere along that shore was Hellmouth Harbor. I shuddered at the memory.

The thought of escaping to the Hephasian Republic after what I'd read on Mom's documents made me nauseous. The vile, dripping hypocrisy of them made me involuntarily clench my fists. All of Mender Agnes's books had made the Republic sound like a shining beacon of liberty compared to the many atrocities of the Autocracy. And I guess it was, technically. Certainly it was less heinous, but damned if the Autocracy didn't set a low fucking bar--which the Republic hardly managed to pass.

I sighed and shuffled up to the table, flexing my metal arm a few times to get used to it again. I hadn't worn it for months. It felt alien on me now, unwholesome. An interloper.

"What's up?" I asked. I didn't bother to sound deferential.

If Geist was bothered, she didn't show it. She pointed at a ship marker sitting along a bright red line marking its route. The lineswayedaroundknown eddies and whirlpools marked on the map, and stretched from the far northern reaches of Voseg City, all the way down the continent and east to Everflow: an Autocracy trade route. "That," she said, pointing to thelittlesingle-mast ship, "is a supply vessel called the Twilight Promise. Owned by some fat tiger fuck who supplies the mines in Everflow. He doesn't just bring them food and pickaxes, though. He also happens to supply slaves. We haven't been able to hit a slave ship in months, as you know." I nodded; some big naval battle up north, near Port Titania, had several of the trade routes mostly on lockdown, for both sides. That was over eight months ago. The ship in October had been the first and only slave ship we'd hit. "Last time we made landfall, scuttlebutt said it was still going on, but that was over a month ago. Either it's over and we're safe, or it's not and we need to hit these assholes anyway. I got bills to pay."

I snorted. Even in the confines of her own cabin, speaking only to two people, both of whom knew her secret, she wouldn't say it aloud. She really was paranoid.

I didn't mention that the Twilight Promise was the ship I'd edited in her books. It didn't carry slaves. It only carried dry goods and a small repository of cold, hard cash: six thousand crowns on average, enough to resupply the Sea Fang and getsome serious upgrades--what kind of pirate ship had no cannons? Six grand would cover the cost for sure, maybe even let her crew have a couple of good nights in port somewhere. I didn't want to leave them empty-handed. As to whether the Autocracy would come after her for hitting one of their ships, well... sounded to me like they were a little busy to go chasing pirates at the moment. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best I could offer them.

"According to my logs, the Promise should be right around... here," she pointed with the compass at a spot not far from us along the marked trade route, using a thin hooked stick to pull the miniature Twilight Promise to the indicated spot. "If we cut northeast and sail hard, we should catch it in three days' time. Normal naval patrols are here" she placed a smooth black stone pip along the trade route "and here." She handed another to Itsuo, who was closer, and pointed where to place it. "That gives us a pretty narrow window, but if we can reach it in three days, we should be able to hit it, at night, no Autocracy fleet in spitting distance to come save them. We'll have to hit them fast and haul ass, though. They're sure to send up a signal flare at the first sign of trouble. We'll need to be gone within the hour if we want to avoid backup."

Itsuo frowned. "Three days won't be possible with dead sails, captain," he said soberly. "Even with the rowing bays fully staffed--which we cannot do. Not with Ivan and Rip yet to be replaced."

The rowing bays were weird, narrow, cramped banks along the outside of the cargo hold. They'd been retrofitted--the ship hadn't originally had them, for some reason--and were a pain in the ass. When not rowing, they doubled as a gunnery deck, and held the four ballistae used to tether the Sea Fang to its prey during an attack. We'd only had to use them as rowing bays once, and thankfully only for a few hours before the sails picked up again. Not that we'd never hit still water previously, we just hadn't been in a hurry to get anywhere, so Geist hadn't bothered to put the crew through the brutal rigors of rowing a massive sailing ship. Normally there were six crewmen to a side, hauling massive long-handled oars to slog us lazily forward, with the first mate leading them with a whip and hard words to push them forward. Even the bosun had rowed, when Thrasher was alive, and he'd counted for two rowers thanks to his impressive strength, leaving six on one side and five on the other. But Thrasher, Ivan, and Rip were dead, leaving only eight other crew besides myself. It would be even slower going, now.

Geist scowled. "I'll row myself if I have to, but we need to get this fucking boat moving if we're going to hit the Promise. We lose this window, it'll be another week before we get another chance, and they'll be close enough to Everflow that rescue would be dangerously quick. Our window would be toosmall for my liking. And once they bank south around Cornugon Isle, that's it. We lost any chance. Those waters are way too heavily contested to even try."

Itsuo studied the captain for a long moment, then said quietly, "I don't think I can inspire the strength necessary to row for more than a day, captain."

Geist gave him a blank stare, but I knew from experience how dangerous that look was. "And why is that, Number One?" she asked quietly.

Itsuo knew what he was about to do to himself. He had to know. And yet he opened his big damn mouth and said it anyway. "Recent events have caused a... dip... in morale."

"Are you saying you've failed in your duties, Itsuo?" she growled quietly.

"I have done my best," Itsuo said matter-of-factly. Even though he knew serious ugliness was coming, he was unflappable. I wanted to kiss him. Instead, I flinched back from the oncoming storm and watched miserably as my lover was about to get spit-roasted. Itsuo followed up by putting the last nail in his coffin: "Your recent actions, while I hold no judgment on them myself, has left the crew less than enthused. There is tension in the ranks."

The vein in my mother's forehead pulsed hard enough to see it through her facial fur. I thought for a second that she might have an aneurysm. "So it's my fault?" she spat.

Itsuo raised his big, leathery black palms in a pacifying gesture. "As I said, I hold no judgment. But the crew talks. And despite my best efforts, they remain unhappy with what happened."

"Clearly," Geist snarled, "your 'best' isn't good enough. Maybe seeing what happens when they lose faith in their captain will set these fucking freeloaders straight. Hm? How does ten lashes sound?"

I finally found my voice. "Wait--Mom, you can't really be thinking of--"

She hissed and jabbed a finger at me, and the rest of my words died in my throat. "Time for my bosun to finally step up," she snarled. "You'll be delivering the whip. And if I think for one fucking second you're going soft on him just because he puts his dick in you, I'll put a bullet in hisskull and I'll whip you in his fucking place."

I heard a small but alarming clink-rrrk from the arm, and realized I was clenching it in a fist so hard I'd bent one of the M-steel plates in the palm. "Just when I think you couldn't go any lower," I growled.

There was a madness in her eyes, wide and furious and almost pure red in the sclera, they were so bloodshot. "I'm still captain of this fucking ship, and it's time you all remembered that." Her paw rested on the grip of her flintlock. There was nothing casual about the gesture. She was gonenow, I realized. And I also realized, with an all-too-familiar stab in my gut, that I'd been the one to show her the door.

If I'd said "no," if I'd just walked away from her cabin that night when she asked me to lie down with her, none of this would have happened. Sure, maybe I wouldn't have had the chance to edit the ledger, but my mother might still have her brain intact. I fucked her, and the shame had destroyed what grip remained on her sanity. She would absolutely shoot the most loyal Anthro she'd ever met in her life, just to maintain her mastery over the crew.

I looked pleadingly at Itsuo, but he wasn't looking at me. His head was bowed, eyes on the floor. He'd already accepted his fate. It wasn't fair. It was so fucking beyond unfair that I couldn't see the other side anymore. Shit, what even was fairness in this world? Did it fucking exist?

"Give me the whip," I said quietly.

Itsuo unsnapped it from the frog on his belt and tossed it to me without looking up. I caught it easily, then turned to my mother. "I hope you burn for this," I whispered bitterly. "I hope you die."

The worst part was, I didn't mean it. I knew she had lost her mind and that it was my fault, and so I couldn't hate her for this no matter how badly I wanted to. Sure as Hells hated myself, though. That came easy as breathing.

Geist pulled her flintlock and pointed it directly at Itsuo's head without taking her unsettling gaze off me. "Move," she barked.

I led the procession out the door. All eyes on the deck turned from their duties to stare in shock as the first mate stepped out behind me, followed by their fearless leader with her pistol to the back of Itsuo's skull. Even the elusive Lillian peeked out from the low foredeck, where the scullery was located, to watch the horrifying procession. I couldn't imagine what they must be thinking about me and the whip in my paw once more, but no matter the outcome of what was about to happen, I knew Geist had just lost her crew. Every one of them were now thinking the same thing: She's gone mad.

And she had. And I'd been the final straw.

Geist pointed the pistol at Dewdrop, the thick-necked Delphian, and motioned him over with the barrel. "Get rope. Lash the first mate to the mast for corporal punishment."

Dewdrop gulped, his long possum whiskers twitching anxiously. "C... cap'n? What--"

"Now, you worthless shit!" she screamed.

Hemanaged to keep his composure, but he still scurried off in a hurry to obey her command. Within minutes, Itsuo was lashed to the mainmast, shirtless with his back facing out. The soft brown fur, dappled with little glints of silver, waited for me to slice it open with the cruel tip of my whip. I'd carried the blood-soaked length of leather cord for so many months now, it felt like an extension of my arm. I didn't even have to work up to my duty after months of sabbatical, though I wanted to weep with every snap of the whip, with every sudden blooming line of red, exposed flesh under his fur, with the way the blood poured down his back and matted it all down into a thick, dark mess. I wanted this to be harder to do, but it was so fucking easy.

I was saving his life by torturing him. Simple math.

He screamed after the fourth lash. I'd never heard him scream like that. I placed the sound next to the image of the ragged meat that had once been Rip Marron, to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. He fell unconscious after the eighth strike.

Or, maybe I didn't have to remember this. Maybe I could just use the Sight over and over until I'd obliterated every waking memory, until nothing remained in my head, even my own name. No more dreams of those I'd hurt or murdered. No more worries about my children, or my sister or mother or Rika. No more pain, just the present moment. I wondered what that would do to me. Maybe I'd turn into a psychotic destroyer like my father. Not like I would care, if there was nothing left of me.

The attraction I felt toward the idea scared me so bad I finally did start crying. I sobbed as tears soaked my cheek fur, but Itsuo had two lashes left. I put all the force I could muster into them--better he live with grievous wounds than die here. Geist seemed satisfied, because she holstered her flintlock the moment Itsuo's back ripped open the tenth time. Blood poured across the deck as she turned her dead eyes to the rest of the crew.

"Does anyone else have objections to me fucking my son?"

I closed my eyes, unable to look at any of them. Not one word was spoken in objection. There wasn't even the lapping of water against the hull to break the silence; the sails still hung limp from the masts. I didn't open my eyes until I heard the sound of the captain's cabin door slamming shut behind her.

I turned away from my lover's ruined back to see Nola standing near the port walkway, kittens in her arms, staring in horror at what she'd witnessed. The twins nursed eagerly at her breasts, probably startled awake by Itsuo's screaming. I couldn't look at her, at the fear and pity on her face. I didn't deserve pity. This was all my fault.

I motioned to Dewdrop. "Help me get him down. I'll tend to him." The Delphian nodded silently. Together, we freed Itsuo from the mast and his heavy frame immediately collapsed into my arms. I dragged him belowdecks, and was mildly surprised to see my twin following me.

Down below, I gently lay the Simian on his stomach and dug around in one of the crates for salves. I pulled out a few herbs and poultices, staring at them uncertainly. I'd never tended a wound before. Nola spoke to me for the first time in a week, holding out the twins. "Here," she murmured gently. "Take them." They detached from their mother with a small pop, wriggling unhappily at being interrupted during a meal, but it had mostly been comfort food anyway. They fell asleep in my arms within moments. Holding them again, my sweet children, made me start sobbing again. I didn't want the look of guilt it drew from Nollie--she had nothing to feelguilty over--but I couldn't stop myself either. I hadn't realized how badly I'd missed them until they were back in my arms.

Nollie put a paw to my cheek, wiping some of the tears away, then took the supplies over to Itsuo and began throwing together a poultice. "Most of those alchemy books are mechanical in nature," she muttered, "but there were a couple chapters on basic alchemical first aid. He'll be okay. Heavy scarring, but I don't think you dealt any nerve damage."

I nearly threw up. I had no idea I could even do nerve damage to someone's back.

She looked up at me again, and said, "I'm so--"

"If you apologize I will chuck our children at you," I said hastily. "This is not your fault, Nola, none of this is. I don't even know how you could come to that conclusion. I did this. We both know it. So just... don't. Please."

She looked like she wanted to argue, but she snapped her mouth shut and returned to her work.

I watched her patch up my lover and continued weeping quietly, nuzzling my wet face against my sleeping babies, wondering if we'd survivemymother's madness long enough to escape this hellish boat.