Pain
!!TRIGGER WARNING!! Somethings in this story may be triggering and upsetting to some readers.
This story was an experiment for me. It touched on a darker them and subject matter that I normally don't write about. This was also my second time trying out writing in first-person. The story has only been roughly edited. The story is still in a raw state.
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I laid motionless on the bed unable to move as he stood in front of it. He moved the cigarette from his muzzle as he looked me over. I wanted to say something to him, but my throat hurt with each breath I took. The person in front of me was a wolf in his late forties with gray in his lower muzzle. He had a look of disgust as he looked me up and down. I wanted nothing more than to cover my breast and my dick.
"Fucking tranny." The wolf tossed a cover over me as he started to get dressed. This was a sight I had seen too many times. I wanted to tell him not to call me that, but I couldn't get my voice to be more than raspy air that moved past my lips. He finished getting dressed, and when he got to the door, he threw a wad of money at me before he left the room. The room was dark except for the TV that played some late-night TV show. It was a few hours before I could move. I felt sorry for the cleaning crew who had to clean cum that dripped out of my ass. This was a meeting I have been having with this man once a week. From what I could tell, this was due to his daughter or as he wants to call her, his sissy son.
Once I was able to feel my legs, I stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower. He always made me feel dirty and the shower never fixed the feeling. No matter how hard I would wash, the feeling of being dirty would never go away. The shower did help my body feel a little better, but my throat was sore to the touch. I could still feel the weight of his hand pushing me down by the throat as he fucked me.
The motel shower was small, cramp, and had a smell of heavy cleaning solutions. It always made me wonder if I was dead and just living in my hell, but I knew I wasn't going to be that lucky. This was all very real. I walked back to the bed and picked up the money. Sixty dollars was all he would ever give me. Being choked and having your ass fucked, while also getting sixty dollars for it would be worth it. But he paid that much to keep me silent about him.
Leaving and heading home wasn't going to happen for a bit. I wasn't ready to face the real world and my life outside of being this man's fuck toy for when he was upset about his child. So, I just laid on the bed naked watching some show about how aliens visited in the past and did some shit. Time moves so slow when you just wish it would pass you by. It might have been by the second episode that I started to fall asleep, but my phone buzzed a few times on the nightstand. I didn't have to look to know who it was, it was Kylie. We have only been dating for a few months now, but she was the light in my life that made coming home worth wild.
The phone felt heavy as I picked it up from the nightstand. It showed that I had two text messages. One said to bring home some milk and eggs and the second was a picture with a text bar across it that said she loves me and misses me. There goes me just laying here and acting like I didn't have a life outside of this. As much as I wanted to just lay on the bed a little longer, I knew she would stay up until I got home. So, no time was wasted in getting dressed and checking out of the motel. I was lucky it was the same person who checked me in and out over the past year. She just gave me a warm smile and told me to have a wonderful night.
I wish I could say I remember the drive to the store and home, but it is all a fog to me. Being called ma'am once at the store made me smile for a bit. Now I find myself parked in my parking space outside my apartment. With a few deep breaths to realign with this side of my life, I got out of my car and made it to my unit. When I got inside, I found Kylie passed out on the couch wearing her cute little kitty PJ's. How could this part of my life be so happy? It only made the pain in my chest hurt more. I placed the milk and eggs in the fridge before I came back out to help her to bed.
"Welcome home, Misheru." Was all she could mumble as I laid her down in bed. As soon as her head touched the pillow, she was out. I made sure she was covered and turned off the light and closed the door as quietly as I could. Why was she with someone like me? I will never know. The trip down the hallway as quick as I wanted to make it to the living room and to the little spot where I kept a stash of bourbon. As soon as I had two bottles in my hands I went and locked myself in the bathroom.
I didn't plan on doing this tonight. It was just going to be me naked on a bed and some dumb TV show. But no, I had to come home before I could make the mental switch. I needed to feel numb. My back fell against the wall as I sat on the floor. The light from the little nightlight on the counter dances through one of the bottles. Without hesitation, I downed the first bottle as fast as I could. Before the last drop made it to my mouth, the burn became too much and caused me to cough. The bottle fell to the floor and I just watched it for a bit as my mind slowly started to feel fuzzy. I could not tell you how long I sat there on the floor before I grabbed the second bottle and downed it.
The world around me ebbed as I tried to get to my feet. Once I got to my feet I fell forward and caught myself on the counter. I looked in the mirror and I saw this guy look back at me. I couldn't place who he was at first, but a voice in the back of my mind whispered the answer.
"I am you. Those pills you've been downing every day haven't done shit for you. You are still that fucking guy who thought he was a girl." It was wrong, I am a girl. I was always a girl, I just got unlucky when I was born.
"Ha keep telling yourself that. We all know you just wanted attention because you grow up a loser. Think growing tits is going to help change that now?" The person in the mirror was acting out like it was the one saying those things. I felt a growl come to my throat.
"And don't get me started on that relationship with Kylie. How long do you think this one last? Two more months or dare I say a whole another year?" I could feel my nails dig into my pam as I tried not to lash out.
"You will never be a real mother." The growl turned into a snarl as I punched the mirror repeatedly. Each hit stronger than the last. Glass shattered and flew everywhere as I kept punching. My fist felt hot as blood began to pour from them. I could feel the glass dig deep into my fist and arms as I punched. Before long I fell to my hands and knees in the glass. The words it said were true. I came to my realization as well, why I let that man fuck me the way he does. To punish me for thinking that I could be a real girl in this world.
I looked up as I rolled to my back, the glass digging there now too. The world started to feel cold and darkness crawled closer. Was I seeing the world for what it truly was or was I dying and leaving it? Either way, I was just done with it all.
I came to wrap in bandages. Every part of my body had a dull ache to it. I tried to move my arm, but the best I could do was to raise it a bit before it dropped back down.
"Misheru, are you really awake?" I know that voice, Kylie. Why is she up? She should still be asleep in bed. I turned my head toward her and my heart broke. She looked like she hadn't been asleep in days and that she had been crying most of them. There was one thing that I wanted to do right now and that was to rub away the tears from her face. As I moved my arm, the ack went from dull to a thousand needles digging into it. But I didn't care, I had to and with tears in my eyes, I removed hers.
"Why are you crying?" The words hurt as they left. Why did my throat hurt? It hadn't hurt to speak since I started training my voice. She grabbed my hand and held it close to her cheek. I couldn't feel her warmth. I couldn't feel her at all. "Kylie, I can't feel your hand." The pain in her eyes felt like knives to my heart. What did I do?
"The doctor said this may happen. Some of the glass dug in deep into your hand and caused some nerve damage. Not enough to not use your hand but losing the feeling of touch was a possibility. Misheru, what happened in the bathroom?" She placed my hand back down and removed a tear that I didn't realize I had shed. The memory of that night flooded back to me. The guy anger fucking me in the motel, coming home early, and what I did to the mirror. How do I tell her just that little bit?
"I need help." That is all I could say before I started to cry.