FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

A Fruitless Attempt at Transcending the Friendzone

---

As I bite, the soft flesh gives in under the pressure of my canines. The sweet red juice trickles down my muzzle. Why did I wait for the entire summer break to have a taste? The answer comes as soon as I open my eyes. Jack is looking at me, amusement clear on his muzzle. It's so much better to share this with him. But he's not merely smiling. Did I do something weird again?

"What's up?"

"You are being a messy eater, Legoshi."

Oh.

That spurs me to act, but one glance down and... well, there's not much I can do. My both hands are damp and sticky with juice. AND still busy holding my piece.

"Here."

And before I know it, the Labrador is rubbing my own muzzle clean.

"Hahaha, now this day I need to mark in my calendar. Legoshi, the Gray Wolf, ever armed with a spare handkerchief, finds himself in need of one!"

He's having a blast out of it; of course, he does. That makes me smile.

"I guess there's no eating a watermelon in a dignified way."

"Not with this long snout of yours, there's not!" He sings as he pokes me in the nose.

"Oh, is that it then?" I growl playfully. "Now you are having a go at your ancestor species?"

For some reason, that makes him pause. Did I scare you? Did I overdo it? No, he looks... surprised?

"You really did change," he chuckles. "You know that, right?" And then another chunk of his watermelon lands in his muzzle with ease.

We didn't make it far from the school grounds before we've spotted that small booth on the side of the road, nearby Gazura bridge. The stall was set up around a car, with a pile of watermelons in the open trunk. One glance at me, and the clerk, an old, cranky cat, bristled up as if I bared my fangs at him. There was no point in aggravating him with a big wolf's presence, so Jack handled that one. Maybe one canine at a time is enough? Or perhaps I am just terrible with felines? The scars on my back and forearm do not testify in my favor, however the watermelon is still as tasty as ever, so I don't let myself dwell on the subject.

Jack's remark, though... takes me back to our talk in the pool, after my little improvisation during the second Adler play. It's over three months already, but the memory still brings the pangs of guilt over my behavior. What was I thinking? Of course, Jack would be the one to see through Bill's theatrics and figure out it wasn't staged. But I remember what he's told me back then. That I'll be alright. What does it even mean? The realization strikes me out of nowhere, but it is also all too familiar. Yes. To be with Haru. This is the only alright I'll accept. I might have changed, but I haven't changed enough yet to deserve her.

"Legoshi?"

"Uh... w-what? I'm sorry."

"It's alright," says the dog, with nothing more than a knowing smirk. He wouldn't be one to point out my mind wandering, not after a decade of friendship.

"So," he says, "do I get to hear how your summer was? Now that you had a watermelon?"

"Oh, well... nothing special. After you and the guys left, 701 got really quiet and empty."

Jack says nothing to that, doesn't even spare me a glance, opting to take care of his fruit. But I can see from his body that something is bothering him in my answer. What is it about? I think I know... We already had that conversation in the bathroom today before our summer classes.

From time to time, especially during breaks, he keeps telling me I should go back home. Visit my grandfather. But... it isn't so simple, Jack. Cherryton is my home now. He himself said I should move here. After five years since... I don't think I even have the words to describe how it feels in my mind. We're practically strangers now. Would he even recognize me if we passed each other on the street? I don't want to think about it. And thankfully, my friend doesn't bring it up.

"Let me guess..." he says instead. "You've been sleeping in all the time, haven't you?"

My ears lay down in a split of a second. What's so wrong with that? But with my reaction, I must look as guilty as can be because Jack only shakes his head with a knowing smile.

"Come on, don't be like that," I plead. It IS summer break, after all. Literally. "There's not much to do. I can only chase bugs around the commons so much. And Durham took his console home when he was going." Not that I particularly wanted to play.

"What about... Uh... chasing bunnies? Did you get to spend some time with Haru?"

Something sounded funny about the way he asked that, but I'm probably imagining things.

"Oh, no, not really. She has left Cherryton just after the Meteor Festival. This morning was the first time I saw her since then."

When I think about it, she didn't text me she's returned to school. Why? I don't know if I should ask her. She was probably busy making herself at home. Hmm... Hold on! Jack was behaving strangely since the very morning today. Actually, he called me a pervy old guy when we met her.

"Jack," I turn to him, "so this was that big question you wanted to ask? I don't see why you were so nervous about it." He's my best friend, surely something like that shouldn't be difficult to talk about, right?

"Errm... kinda?" He mutters and clears his throat. I can smell his nervousness over the sweet scent of watermelons. What the heck is going on with you today? But then it dawns on me. Chasing bunnies...?

"Jack?" Damn it! "Did you just ask me about...?"

The Labrador fidgets, looking anywhere but at me. Are you for real?! Since when does he take lines from Bill's playbook? Oh, no, let's not go this way. I hate even thinking about it.

"Jack?" When I ask again, his nerves go crazy, and the next thing I see is him stuffing himself with watermelon until his eyes tear up. Buddy, that's way too much for your muzzle. I half expect it coming out through his ears like in some cartoon. Now you look like a sad squirrel. Ah... that's a very rude comparison!

Wait, what am I thinking? This reaction just confirms it! Is everyone going to be like that now? I can't let this happen. What would Haru think of me?

"That's a pretty pervy question coming from you, if you ask me," I say, scowling at my friend. Now that, finally, brings his gaze upward. But I must've hit the nerve because he is not ashamed or remorseful. Not at all. What I see is all too familiar belligerence of the clever canine as he overcomes the abundance of watermelon in his muzzle.

"Well, you don't find my Wild Kick porn mags around the room, do you?"

And in a spin of a second, I'm on the defensive. Searing heat spreads over my face, and it has nothing to do with the sun. Of course, I should have seen this coming. This is beyond cruel, Jack.

"Kill me."

"Hahaha, ease up, Legoshi. I'm just teasing you."

I roll my eyes with a grumble, but we speak not a single word until we're both finished with the fruit. Jack's muzzle is spotless, but I must look like a child now. Well, this time, I have my hands free to reach for my own handkerchief and fix myself up.

A happy sigh escapes me when I lay down, propping myself on my elbows. Jack follows me soon, and we're just lying there, on the pier, overlooking the deep blue sea.

The wind is warm but fresh, ruffles my fur pleasantly. With the seacoast just down the road from the school hill, it takes maybe a five-minute walk to get here. Maybe Haru would like to spend an afternoon here sometime?

"You know," Jack speaks again, the banter is gone from his voice, "to tell you the truth, I am being serious asking about this..."

Wait, so what is it in the end, he's not teasing?

"I mean, jokes aside, we had a talk with the guys."

"You did?" Oh no. And here I thought I was off the hook. My cheeks flush anew, the unavoidable embarrassment at the topic returning with all its might.

"It's a big deal, okay?" He continues. "We all agreed not to bring this up, we didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but when we've met her today on the corridor, you almost knocked me out with your tail!"

"Sorry!" Shoot, am I so obvious?

"Yes, and then, well... I really couldn't get it out of my head. Ack, this is terrible! I'm totally going against everything we've agreed on with the guys. I'm sorry, Legoshi, you are right. I shouldn't be asking you such embarrassing questions. It should be your choice whether to tell us."

I can't disagree with you on that. Would it be alright, I wonder? It shouldn't be anyone's business but mine and Haru's. On the other hand... Who else could I talk to about these things? He might have been teasing before, but he was so understanding when he found out. It's Jack, damn it! He's always there for me. I know he's asking out of care, not to gossip, so why is it so hard to talk about it...?

"It's alright," finally I muster the strength to begin. "But please, promise me this conversation will stay between us?"

"Of course, Legoshi," he puts his hand on my shoulder with a reassuring smile. "It goes without saying."

I let out a sigh. But how do I even begin? I know what's the big log blocking the river here, don't I? God, I hate this! I have to power through it, there's no other way.

"We didn't do anything," I blurt out before I change my mind.

"...Alright?" He says after a pause. Jack, you could at least feign a surprise. I feel like a loser right now. What else is new, huh?

"I mean, we... almost did... that night I was away."

"Mhm."

I tread carefully. The very mention still gets a rise out of Jack. I had worried him sick and got quite an earful once he came to pick me up from the infirmary with some spare clothes. That one time, I couldn't care less about the dorm mother's screams, but the talk I had with him... I've never seen him this mad.

Actually, despite Juno's twisted narration on the Meteor Festival, I never felt an ounce of heroism in all that. A lot of animals had been upset and worried about Louis and me.

I saved Haru. If not for that, that crazy night on the 30th of July would've been a complete disaster! Nobody else knows the full story. It is something between Haru and me. The memory of all that, what's transpired, will stay with me forever. The good and the bad. The clarity in my mind when I'd I let myself be driven in my fight with that lion. If this is true, if this was the conviction you've been talking about, Louis, then why I still saw her as my prey? In that hotel room, I just... went for it. The memory of my feelings from that moment has been burning me ever since. It's arousing and disgusting. How could I have been so reckless? So selfish?

Why did you leave it to me, Haru? 'You have to decide,' that's what you said. My hands were shaking; my throat went dry... I remember it all too well.

You seek equality for yourself, yet you let me, a carnivore, decide your fate just like that? Why would you do that, Haru? Would I have stopped if your instincts didn't do it for us? I don't want to know the answer.

"Legoshi, it's alright, you don't have to-"

"Something about it felt wrong," I interrupt him. Don't do it, Jack. Don't give me the chance to back out.

"Everything on that night was right. I knew what I was doing, and I knew why I was doing it." Did I? Then what's all that with my prey? "...until then. Until that very moment in the hotel room. She'd encouraged me... and that's where it wasn't right anymore. I would have done it, but at some point, it was like she had lost control over her own body. Pushed me back a-and... that was it."

"Oh."

I'm not telling him how she shoved her arm in my maw. Otherwise, I'd have to explain why it was significant. And there's no explaining that without going back to that evening by the fountain. I can't burden you with it, Jack.

The next moment, his warmth embraces me as the dog shuffles closer and hugs me from the left. In sheer reflex, my arm wraps around his lean shoulders, and Jack rests his muzzle in the crook of my neck. "That... had to hurt," he whispers. "I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted, Legoshi."

Even though I'm not sad about it, his touch is reassuring and welcome. We've always been comfortable with each other, some would say even beyond the canine thing.

"It's alright. Actually... it did. Really," I say. "It was not a good time, you know? A lot had happened. We were both very emotional. I don't believe we were ready for that."

As I say that, his tail sweeps the wooden boards in slow wags. There you go, no need to worry so much. These are my worries anyway.

"You sound so mature right now," he murmurs.

"I sound mature talking about failing to have sex for the first time in my life?"

He's trembling in a losing battle until his muzzle crooks in a smile against my neck fur, finally losing it and letting out a snort.

"Silly," he's chuckling, both of our tails now wagging in tandem. "You know what I'm talking about."

"Uh... do I?"

"It's good that you are taking it slowly. I mean, come on! You clearly care about her! I'm hardly the expert here, but I think if it's worth doing, it's worth doing it right."

Yeah, Jack. It's very true, and I can't help but meet his earnest smile with my own. But here, in the back of my mind, it is still nagging me. How do I know if I'm doing it right? The hotel room was an escalator and got me to the top in one night, but if skipping all the floors knocked me down to the very bottom, then am I mature... or just a coward?

Argh, I will go mental with all this if I don't talk to her! I fought a lion mafia boss, for sure, I can take on a dwarf rabbit I love. It reminds me of the promise I made to her before the bright face of the city's skyline. I remember the resolve that clenched my fists... And the memory keeps that smile on my muzzle.

Haru's sitting on the second step, so when I crouch down with my back to the wall, we're almost at eye level. Rays of the setting sun fall through the window beside me, casting an orange tint on everything. It catches her fur, painting her pretty white face coral and turning her eyes into glowing embers, a sight that genuinely mesmerizes me.

We're on the western staircase on the third floor, our new, convenient spot to meet each other. The views come with the place. She chose it, and I don't really understand why not the Gardening Club?

I'm sure I would get to watch you, Haru, in the rays of the setting sun, even more beautiful there than here, but I won't complain. Maybe for a small animal like her, it's too tiresome to go up the stairs there only to meet someone? I could still help her out with her errands in the club, though...

Since the last weekend, the crew of room 701 is back together, and we've been celebrating the reunion with the guys. It was great to see them back. The dorm room finally feels like home once more. Feels whole. But with the new trimester starting, it all kept me from seeing Haru. We've only exchanged a couple of brief texts over the week until I asked her to meet sometime.

And here I am, just happy to sit and listen to her going on about her vacations. It is like we're honoring the annual post-break tradition of every high school student. The recent days I've had a couple of conversations like this, not only the one with Jack. With her, it isn't exactly different, but at the same time... it is. I'm listening, but truth be told, it doesn't even matter that much what she's saying. With what happened between us this summer, I had this odd longing sensation always keeping me company. Except now, when I have her with me. It's like an itch, irritating, yet pleasant to scratch. The thought of not being able to scratch that itch is paralyzing.

A half-smirk on her round face suddenly pierces through my thoughts. What? Why... why are you smiling like that?

"Ahh..." I hesitate. "Is there something on my face?"

"Just your usual intense and creepy stare."

My hand freezes midway to my muzzle when it hits me. Shit! I totally spaced out! AGAIN.

"I-I'm sorry!"

"You know, you shouldn't be asking if you don't want to listen about my summer break," she scolds me. But she's not mad. She's amused. I don't know if I should feel better about making a fool of myself rather than annoying Haru.

"It's not that, I-I..." I've missed you.

I swallow the words back. What if she thinks it's too forward? I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

"I've been wondering," I say, "what happens with all the flowers when you're not around?"

She shoots me a long glance, skepticism oozing from her black eyes like pitch.

"Okaaay... that was random."

Yeah, I realize as much. All I'm doing right now is only making this even more awkward.

"You know... with you being the only student in the Gardening Club. Isn't this a problem?" I press the issue.

"Ah, so that's what you mean," she realizes. And I'm thankful to get the conversation away from my mind wandering.

"Normally, we would agree on different shifts during summer breaks, so we don't all leave at once, but you know," she lets out a chuckle, "that's not an issue since all our ghost members have loose holiday schedules."

"Do you think ghost students must still pay tuition?"

"Hehe... funny! They definitely should be, because when I'm not around or sick, school staff must tend to all their errands in the club."

"Isn't it weird?" I stroke my chin in wonder. "There are over three thousand students at Cherryton. It seems impossible that you alone take an interest in botany and gardening."

"Of course not. The others are just afraid."

"What?" I cock my head. Afraid of WHAT? She bursts with laughter at my expression.

"Look at the company I keep," she says, "a big, moody wolf and..."

But the words get caught in her throat. And with them, her smile dies too. The light mood of our late afternoon together is gone in a heartbeat.

You don't need to spell it out for me, Haru. It's awful, but I don't want to hear his name spoken by you. I don't want to relieve this. That hole growing in my stomach when his name, not mine, escaped your mouth with a sigh of relief after the blackout. It is too late, though. Seeing the look on your face right now, it's all coming back, opening like an old wound.

"He never answered my calls."

"You've been calling him?"

"Y-yeah. Several times. It just says unreachable..."

You never called me yet.

A thrill shots down my spine, bristling the fur along the way. Louis... even when you're gone, you're still taking away my...

Just like that, this disgusting reflection extends its claws through the rusted bars, I sealed it behind. The idea of her that had already poisoned my mind twice before. I hate this sensation, seething inside me, like greed. The greed of a predator. No. Control yourself, you idiot!

I steal a glance at Haru, dreading her reaction. But thank god, she isn't looking at me. I force myself to relax. Calm down. Breathe. Hide your teeth. Not a moment later, she finally looks my way.

"I'm sorry, Legoshi," she says. And the guilt in her voice and her eyes only frustrates me more. Ack, I can't take this!

"No!" I say, the words come out louder than I intended. With a sigh, I get closer, crouching in front of her. "I know he is important to you," I say. "I can understand that. You have every right to worry. I'm worried too."

And I mean it. I want to hug her so much. Take at least an ounce of that worry away. But some invisible power keeps me from doing it. That wouldn't be right. Seeing her so unsettled about him, I just... don't know anymore. That resolve I had - to talk things through - suddenly, my struggles with this relationship I have with Haru seem so childish.

Nothing justifies my anger. This last month, the thought that I'm probably responsible for Louis's disappearance was always nagging me in the back of my mind. Yes, I've been so disappointed with him, but losing control as I did with that one punch... I could've seriously hurt him.

He would hate me for thinking that, but it's true. If he went and something bad happened to him, I will always regret what I did before we parted our ways. And if I am worried, if guilt weighs down on me like this, even with him being my rival, how could Haru not be concerned? And how is it possible to worry about an upperclassman who was (is?) in a relationship with my... with the girl I love? So many questions and not a single answer.

I almost jump at a sudden warmth around my neck. She's the one who crosses the distance?! Haru... the warmth of your small body radiating through our clothes to add to my own, I can't resist it. I pull her closer to me. One of my hands is enough to embrace her entire back. She accepts and buries her face into the fur on my neck.

"Thank you," she says. Her voice is barely stronger than a whisper.

"Wh-... for what?"

"For understanding."

I let my head rest on the top of her own, in what I hope to be a reassuring gesture. It's not much, but I will take what I'm given. Even if she's hugging me for the reasons I don't wish she still had. And the more I think about it, the more my head is spinning. Something tells me that all this can only be resolved when Louis returns. If.

I don't know if I'm mature or a coward, Jack. The one thing I know--I am as clueless as ever.