FSE

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On days when it rained, we came here

To celebrate our mutual tainted destiny, under the secure embrace of old willow trees

To listen to the soft sound of the rain hitting leaves, to get away from all we feared

On days where clouds masked the sky, shutting most in their homes, we came here

Here where the sound of rain hitting the creek would drown out two souls' bonding

The warm smell of petrichor still reminds me of you

Leaning against the same willow's bark, these memories return to me

The centipedes that crawled our ankles as if they were hills

The chirping of crickets and birds, the illusion of time standing still

Oh lover, reflected now in the water

You are not really there

Such bitter sweetness fills my veins

The sour aftertaste of snowberries

I wish our hubris never caught up to us

I wish it hadn't rained that day

I seethed with hatred back then

Blood boiling from your transgressions

You forced blame on yourself

Such heinous self-righteousness

As if your very blood was made of light

I've since witnessed bitter coldness and blackened nights

I've seen the soft steam rise from nostrils and soft snow-covered boots

The more north I traveled, the more foreboding I felt

The aura of you remained

In the quiet emptiness of snow fields

In the howling of the wind

Pebbles suddenly rolling off the mountain struck me with fear

I came to the husk of a sanctuary

Begging to gain the knowledge for vengeance

The archmage saw something in my eyes

And allowed me sanctum for study

Each quiet night forced me awake; nightmares plaguing my mind

I awoke each time, shivered and gasping

My eyes focusing to see the slow snowfall instead of nostalgic rain

To see the familiar abyss that lie out the window, and something more

For the first time since your passing

I saw you once again

Drifting just outside the tall window

A thin, tattered tunic hypnotically wavering

No howling wind that night

Your eyes black as fresh script

Dripping with ink scented sorrow

I have seen colleague's flesh burn asunder

I have seen summons turn against their masters

These tragedies had lessons attached

Your death left me learning no such lesson

Your nightly visits soon found themselves commonplace

And with them came visions that betrayed memories

I toiled through those long quiet nights

All while you hung outside my window

Idle, with sunken eyes beckoning

My lessons were of emotional control

The fundamentals of bending others' will

Casting strings of invisible silk

To not rid the world of its permanent ink stain

But to change it to my own favorite hue

I devoted myself to the art

My brushes: each emotion

My strokes: omnipotence cultivated and steeped in dark desire

I sought sweet suffering for you

To cast those strings on those that dared touched you

To have them feel my concentrated pain

To watch as it eviscerated their mind

The man I called archmage saw this desire in my eyes

The man acted as a seer one night

"Desire has made you blind."

It was the same as all talented casters of illusion

"The desire for more control will consume you"

His eyes made his desires shine clear as diamonds

He saw a brilliant flame and proclaimed it a spark

A long quiet decade extinguished with single conversation

I had learned everything, and sought the creek's comfort once more

To bring you peace, I knew I had to travel back

Through the night I rushed as fast as I could

Seeking only to rest when I saw no snow

Alas, sunrise was coming soon

With its first ray, I sought refuge in an abandoned cabin

Darkness had made its home inside

In quiet contemplation I sat, with small rations aiding my survival

Abstract figures made themselves apparent in front of me

Dark ellipses and circles silently wavering with each twitch of my retina

The piercing quiet rang in my ears

The irregular shapes sought familiar form

You

You stared back at me, no emotion in your fake eyes

For the first time since your passing

I heard you speak once again

"The desire for more control will consume you"

The archmage's voice hissed through your closed mouth

Ink dripped onto the old wood, flaring my nostrils

I turned towards the ground

But the vision wouldn't vanish

"I enticed him! Threw myself onto him!"

No more a hiss

Now a familiar voice

"Lover?" my voice quivered

Head in my hands

You stared back

Both hands behind your waist

A laced frown

No words came out

My own quickening heartbeat

Pounding in my torso

"You're almost at peace!" I begged the apparition

"I'm scared...

but at least you're...

you're safe"

The voice stopped

The ink from your eyes spilling out faster

The soft patter against wood

The soft patter splashing into my eyes

Squinting didn't dilute the vision

My lungs pleaded for air

The stench of ink forcing me to cough and retch

Frantic arms explored the walls

Begging for a doorknob

When they did, my body was suddenly thankful for the cold snow-covered earth

Soft vapored breath barely veiled the sunset

The freshness of frigid air cleansing my lungs

Watery eyes were wiped

I only had wished you could've been more grateful

The roads south were dangerous for the weak

Invisible silk kept me safe

With the sleight of my hand

Both man and animal saw no one

Days passed, and mountains turned to hills

In a narrow mountain pass, I felt the first drop on my head

A more powerful placebic warmth has never been found

The rain showered, eased my heart, and seeped into my soul

I fell to my knees to embrace it fully

Uneventfulness filled the rest of the journey

A wide plane before the southern forest

Observing the sun's rays pierce the oaks and maples

My legs began to feel weak as I neared

Through the gate of the city known only for its graves

In a tavern I had learned all I needed to know

And then

The warm smell of petrichor choked my neck much like a noose

Stumbling outside, my lungs begged for air once again

I fell to my knees in sorrow, and the creek played its same subtle song

The willow with its wispy branches cradled me as a mother would her frightened child

Huddled, I succumbed to the grief and mourned for you

I wept in memory of our time there

For your tenderness that I no longer would find in anyone

I clutched the soft earth in anger, and pleaded for your return to me

Through stifled breaths I splashed the creeks water across my face

And the memories began to begrudgingly drift away

Now, I lean here in quiet rumination

My inner qualms fighting amongst themselves

He escaped me, lover

The one that caused you the worse pain

The Gods placed him next to you for eternity

His grave ornate marble, framed with bronze

Yours a stick, framed with twine

With centipedes crawling over both corpses

With eyes staring into infinite abysses

And ears filled with a piercing quiet

Someone took his life from me

Took your peace away from me

I understand your sorrow, lover

Your securing whispers granting me sanity

Yet driving me deeper into darkness

I peer into the creek, and see you once again

Hollowed eyes spilling ink

I watch as it flows down, poisoning the creek

Those eyes allure me, beckon me closer

Captivated, I lose myself to them

Embracing the intricacies of your mind

And through torrents of ink

I begin to see

Truly see you how I remember

The soft glint of your eyes

The infectious smile

But in a flash, it's gone

The husk is the only thing that stares back