Recovery
#4 of Poetry
A sort of vent poem I wrote when I wasn't feeling too great. It has a lot of things I kinda just needed to tell myself in the moment.
They say it'll be easy
Or hard, I forget which one.
But one thing they didn't tell me
Is that the pain has just begun.
Sure, the self loathing was rough,
And the sleepless nights were lonely
The voices in my head were tough,
And my mind was breaking slowly.
I'd spend days hating myself
But continue to keep up the facade:
"I'm fine, how about yourself?
If you need anything, give me a nod."
But now I have the strength to be better,
Or at least the mindset to realize I had it.
But the addiction has had a long time to fester,
It won't stop just 'cause I want to quit.
I once heard a strange phrase:
"If you take the addiction from the addict,
they'll miraculously enter a clean phase,
Where they don't feel as derelict.
But once the addiction becomes available,
They'll drop back into their pit.
Recovery is only obtainable,
When you can hold it and still not take it."
It means that if you want things to change,
You can't hide from your struggles.
You need to get to a point where you can manage
To fight back against your troubles.
Now, this doesn't sound easy,
And trust me, it's not,
But if the mental battles make you queasy,
It's not the only problem you've got.
The biggest hit will be the void,
This complete lack of emotion
Leaving you feeling empty and devoid
Of everything except a notion.
A notion that your addiction could possibly
Help fill this hole in your chest,
That you won't feel so empty,
Or be as depressed.
But now you're back where you started,
Maybe feeling even worse than before.
You sit there broken hearted,
Saying you can't take it anymore.
But you can, and you did, don't you see?
All that progress you made isn't invalid.
If it was just a day, let it be.
You need to stop being so pallid.
Progress is progress, no matter how small
You still took an entire step forward.
And if I seem to recall
That's what you wanted, to move onward.
You'll have to fight your own thoughts
Because you are your own worst enemy
You know all your desires and wants
And how to rationalize things mentally.
Recovery is a process
A lot of trial and error.
It may cause a lot of stress,
But you don't have to be the only bearer.
You can rely on others, but not forever,
There are times you will be alone.
And its then you will need to be clever,
And show yourself that you have grown.
It's going to be painful
In more ways than one
But in time you will learn to be grateful
Of all the things you have done.
Because then you can share your story
Of how the chains didn't hold you back,
To inspire someone of your recovery
From when your world was cast in black.